Not taking step children on holiday

[Sparklyflipflop]

Hi all,

I know there’s plenty of threads about step children and holidays but finding it hard to find one in a similar situation and am looking for advice.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years and We live together. He has 2 children, I have none. We are discussing holidays for next year - the children are quite young 4 and 6. I love a beach holiday and boyfriend is not fussed if we go or not, if he was on his own he would not take the children abroad. I would like a holiday every year just the 2 of us however, bf is now insisting he wants to take the children on holiday abroad with us, which is fine with me as long as we have a week abroad alone as it will be a completely different sort of holiday for me (not relaxing) he has also said in conversation if we took them most of his time would be taken up entertaining them/looking after them etc - which again is fine but is why I feel we need a holiday alone as well.
Every year he does a uk holiday with family- I don’t know if this would happen if we were to take the children away abroad but either way they will get a holiday with dad.
Usual setup is every other weekend and one night in the week - I am around most of the time for this and we always do fun things with the kids while here.
I feel that if we book a holiday with the children there will be always be excuses why we can’t go on another one alone eg saving

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

AIBU to want a holiday alone with boyfriend if we can only go on one abroad holiday?

@Iaskedyouthrice
It's because so many of us here get to see it from the other side. We see it from the pov of our children, who in their mind, get left behind. Kids don't know who pays for what.

🎯 yes I noticed how young they were too. And he jumped right into another relationship.

I totally get that @arethereanyleftatall and don't think I tar everyone with the same brush. It is obvious when posters are speaking from painful experience. That was an absolute batshit suggestion and deserves ridicule. There is zero point in suggesting something so daft. If you get to the point where you think that is the solution then you need to seek help.

Edited for spelling and also to say, perhaps it's a good idea to start telling the kids who pays for what. Seems silly to let them be hurt when they could be told the simple truth.

@Scampinfries

Noticed what exactly?

For all any of us know, they could have split before the mum even knew she was pregnant with the second child.

Oh give over! She's not saying he shouldn't take his kids on holiday she's simply asking him to make time for her too. God forbid she asks for time with her partner while the kids are at their mum's.

Please explain what’s a huge red flag?

OP. You are getting a hard time. When I met my husband I had children. He didn't. We went on holiday with the kids and without the kids. You don't always need to take the kids. Plenty of couples go on holiday without their own kids.
We took my kids on holiday and then went alone when they went on holiday with their dad.
Does their mum take them away? If so it's a good time to go then.

It is fine for you to have a holiday as a couple, no children. It’s only a problem if you want to exclude them from all holidays.

Did I read he has the kids every other weekend and once in the week? So how is he going to meet that responsibility if he is abroad for a week? It's only ok if mum doesn't mind picking up the slack it shouldn't be assumed that she is. Maybe he should be offering to have the kids for a week while mum gets a child free holiday in return.

It doesn't come across really in your comments but I would be worried that he won't take them away by himself yet expects them to come away with you because he is relying on you for childcare? Think long and hard about this I used to think my ex was a really great father an really involved because he had his kids so much but now I look back and see we were always doing things together and he found the parenting easier because i was there- had I not been there they would have been sat at home on screens. I became the live in housekeeper and didn't notice for a long time because i was already doing all the things my own children needed like cooking cleaning and washing. It took me a long time to realise he wasn't as amazing a father I thought and he was using me for child entertainment housework and sex. The same situation has played out with my childrens father their step mum does the bulk of parenting, she no doubt enjoys it as it's not full time and just the odd weekend and as they go out as a family she's not noticing he does so little. but she thinks he's a great dad because he has them every other week..... except he doesn't have them she does. So is your partner actually doing all the parenting or do you take some of that on? In which case I would end the relationship. If the reality is he is doing the parenting I would think twice about throwing him back if you want children with him yourself- a good father is worth an awful lot in my opinion.

If he's doing all the parenting and not using you then it's reasonable he would want his kids on his holidays. It may not be what you want but this is the man you have so you need to decide if you accept it and if not then leave. But again think about if you are having your own children because then this desire for child free holidays becomes a moot point anyway

I can answer on behalf of that poster I think... you are a huge red flag because you have wants and needs like any other woman in a relationship. Some posters on mumsnet absolutely believe that anyone who gets with a man with kids shouldn't have either and should dedicate their own lives to that man's children. Even when you have your own.
It's not personal so dont take it that way, it's their own insecurities shining through. You are easy pickings.
Do not be afraid of telling him exactly what you want and need from a relationship. If he can't give you any of it then it's your choice to stay or go.

If dad can’t go away because of access arrangements it also means mum can’t ever take them away for a week either then?

I know plenty of parents who have been on child free holidays. There was a thread on here recently where someone had taken 2 small children abroad and what a terrible time she was after. Lots of small children do much better on holiday in the U.K.

taking the children away somewhere that suits them and then going away yourself is fine. The fact he won’t do it says a lot. Yes his children are a priority but you have to have a life when they aren’t there as well, and yes if it was so important to him then he could do it himself.

I bet if you say took them to Butlins for a week, mum went to Spain for a week with a friend, how many would complain about her doing something without them.

If OP and her OH went on holiday for a week the kids mum would have to pick up one night in the week so long as they planned it over the weekend they didn't have the kids. And OP already said the kids have a UK holiday with his family and he wants to take them abroad as well so their mum would get those weeks off to have a kid-free holidays should she wants one.

OP is not saying she doesn't want the kids to come on holiday she simply wants to have a child free holiday in addition. Her OH is keen to have a holiday abroad with the kids but not fussed about them having a couples holiday abroad. OP has explained that money or annual leave isn't an issues it's just that her OH isn't really interested in a holiday aboard just the two of them.

I think a lot of people are being a bit ridiculous.
its absolutely fine to have some holidays with kids and some without.
growing up in 90/00s I went on yearly holidays abroad and used to ask my parents if we could go on shorter ones in the UK or close by in France/spain. I can’t remember any before about age 8.
so kids as young as his won’t remember/care of their holiday, aged 6, was in the UK or abroad.
its important quality time is spent with them, but it doesn’t matter if that’s in the UK or abroad.
my parents used to go on short trips abroad once every few years without us kids (as young kids and teens etc) and we did not bat an eyelid at it!

overall, as long as you’re not excluding them from holiday time (you’re not!) then it’s fine to holiday separately/in the UK.

Please remember that at some stage he may be the resident parent, potentially full time - things happen, sad things happen. Could you cope with that? If not don't date a parent

You shouldn't have chosen a boyfriend with children. Once you have kids they are your life.

Think about it - if you had kids, would you go on holiday without them? I'd do this maybe as a one off for a special anniversary, but definitely not if it meant my kids wouldn't get a holiday abroad too that year.

It is nice to hear a father who wants to spend his holiday with his kids, especially when he only see them one day during the week and every other weekend. He doesn't spend a huge amount of time, so I applauded if he wants to spend all his holiday with them

Oh OP I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I'm a step parent (granted SS older and has his own life now) but my holidays were my holidays and partner wanted an adult only holidays together too.

We would have two week abroad holidays alone but also took SS away for shorter breaks abroad & centreparcs etc, also paid for holidays so he could go away with his mum abroad too for two weeks.

It's called compromise. If he's not budging I'd just go with a girl friend away for 2 weeks in the sunshine. You'd have more fun 💗

It's tough being a step-parent and you'll get dragged on here for wanting some time alone with him 🙄

Just go on holiday with a friend instead.. much easier 🤣

That didn’t occur to me tbh.

Maybe he should stay single then if he only has the time for his kids.

Honestly, he's right to put his kids first and I wouldn't live my partner as much as I do if he didn't do the same.

We plan holidays with the kids and both love spending time with them. My children are older than his but he would do the same with mine.

We do what we can to spend together and go away for short breaks a couple of times a year but if we didn't, I'd be ok with that.

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

He’s expecting you to be a family…and to want to be a family. What you’re asking him to do is live two lives with two families.

This is a bigger problem than the holiday. You need to have a discussion around how you both see family life.

Of course it's fine to not to take them. We're going on holiday and not taking my step children, but shock horror, we're also not taking mine!

I am concerned my ex is going to try this. Would never attempt to take them away on his own, hasn't had them longer than 1 night ever but is insisting his girlfriend and him are taking them abroad this summer. They haven't booked anything yet but past experience tells me that he will be drunk the whole time and she will be left looking after the kids, when she has none of her own. My kids are challenging at the best of times, let alone with tiredness, the heat etc.

Id insist on trialling a long weekend first OP. Make sure you aren't left doing everything.