Not taking step children on holiday

[Sparklyflipflop]

Hi all,

I know there’s plenty of threads about step children and holidays but finding it hard to find one in a similar situation and am looking for advice.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years and We live together. He has 2 children, I have none. We are discussing holidays for next year - the children are quite young 4 and 6. I love a beach holiday and boyfriend is not fussed if we go or not, if he was on his own he would not take the children abroad. I would like a holiday every year just the 2 of us however, bf is now insisting he wants to take the children on holiday abroad with us, which is fine with me as long as we have a week abroad alone as it will be a completely different sort of holiday for me (not relaxing) he has also said in conversation if we took them most of his time would be taken up entertaining them/looking after them etc - which again is fine but is why I feel we need a holiday alone as well.
Every year he does a uk holiday with family- I don’t know if this would happen if we were to take the children away abroad but either way they will get a holiday with dad.
Usual setup is every other weekend and one night in the week - I am around most of the time for this and we always do fun things with the kids while here.
I feel that if we book a holiday with the children there will be always be excuses why we can’t go on another one alone eg saving

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

AIBU to want a holiday alone with boyfriend if we can only go on one abroad holiday?

Yes, I think a lot of the ‘you knew what you signed up for when you got with him’ brigade genuinely believe this.

@bluewaxcrayon - if you only go on ONE, then yes, it does.

Do the DSC go on holiday with their mum or mum’s family too OP?
If so could you arrange to go as a couple then? That way you could take them away for a week and then have a week when they go with mum. Everyone benefits

I don't think it's unreasonable to have one holiday just the two of you and one with the kids.

That's not the set up in this instance though, is it? No one is being asked to go on their ONE holiday without their kids.

His kids are still quite young too, so I don't think it's unfair to do an uk holiday with them and go abroad without them, if they don't travel well they'll probably enjoy uk more anyway.
Take them abroad when they're older

@aperolspritzbasicbitch

Maybe I read it wrong, or it's been updates since, I'm skimming at work, but this was the op...

'AIBU to want a holiday alone with boyfriend if we can only go on one abroad holiday?'

Oh, sorry - she seems to have said both the above, and that they can go on multiple holidays a year.

Maybe he just doesn't want to be away from them for a full week. I did it when mine was 6, and it was hard.

But have you actually discussed the adult only week away. Your post reads to me like you're anticipating what he'll say/do as opposed to what he's actually said about a second holiday.

If he agrees, id just make sure to book both at once. If he doesn't want to go away without them, id just go with a friend. Only you know it it's a dealbreaker not to have that week together longer term.

I couldn’t date a man with children for reasons like this.

You have to understand that children come first and there is an element of guilt if you don’t include them in the nice things you do for yourself.

A good dad will prioritise his children at your expense. This will not change, but get harder to deal with as the children get older and more demanding.

In your 20’s and child free, you deserve to be a little selfish. You’re not going to get this chance again, so why give that up for a man who you know is not going to be able to give you 100% all of the time.

Personally, I’d tell him ‘this is what I want’ and if he’s not willing to accommodate you as well as his children, then I’d knock it on the head and look for someone without the same level of commitments.

Why should they have to go in the school holidays though if they're not taking kids with them?

Confusion about the one/multiple holidays a year - he would ideally do one a year but realistically could afford 2.

mum takes them on holiday in term time.

Is this one a year on top of the family uk break they go on? Do you go on that?

I don't see that it is any worse than a couple having a holiday together and leaving their children with grandparents. The OP sounds a good stepmum but wants to have a break with just her partner from time to time. Nothing wrong with that.

I would say taking them once a year either Uk or Abroad and then trying to go away your two selves when the DC are on holiday with mum seems very reasonable.

Honestly, all this "a good dad will always put his kids first and you will always come second" is bullshit. My DH is a great dad yet I have never felt like I come second to them.

A good dad will be secure enough in his relationship with his kids to go on kid-free holidays without worrying that the kids will be upset. It's healthy for kids to learn that the entire world does not revolve around them and their parents are allowed a life outside of them. In this case there is no reason why OPs DP can't do both but he's choosing not to. He wants to holiday with the kids but not with her alone. Tells you exactly where his priorities lie and unfortunately it doesn't sound like OP is a priority to him.

My stepkids have never batted an eyelid when we've gone away without them. We've had lots of trips they weren't even aware of because they were at their mum's. They know they get to do plenty of fun things when they're with us and they get holidays too so we've never had any issues with them being jealous that we've gone somewhere without them.

Most people would agree that in a couple (incl with your own dcs in the mix - no divorce), it’s pretty healthy to have a Hols away on your own.
So on that pov I’d agree with you even though usually that time away is more a weekend (or a long weekend) rather than a week long.

I have more issue with the fact he seems to be up for taking the kids when someone else is around - basically wanting/needing someone to do some of the work for him.
Or if the issue with taking his dcs away abroad is because he can’t be bothered to organise things and basically is delegating the mental load to you.

I’m not sure whether the OP goes on the hols in the U.K. in relevant to the question tbh.

I don't know why people are homing in on him not taking the kids away solo. It doesn't mean he's not capable of it but tbh it doesn't sound like much fun and if he's taking them with other members of his family it means they all get quality time 🤷🏼

My partner doesn't get much time off in the hols so I always take DD away with friends or family. Don't fancy being sole adult when it's my holiday too. No reflection on whether I'm a good parent.

Anyway, I digress. His kids are important to him and he should definitely bring them abroad especially as he wants to. I don't see it as a straight "you knew he had kids, he knew you didn't compromise" because this isn't simply a question of balancing the wants of two individuals. His commitment to his kids should be greater than his commitment to acting child-free with OP, the compromise is accepting that part's a given and deciding how to proceed from there.

@Illpickthatup Same here, and it's never been an issue for us. It's always refreshing to see your posts which do often echo my sentiments about my 'place' in the family.

He also takes DSDs away without me so they can have much needed time together going feral without boring stepmum suggesting things like washing and eating some fruit 🤣

@DullFanFiction it could be relevant. If she doesn't go, that would show her that he's aware of the importance of spending time apart to focus on his kids and family, whilst being ignorant of the fact that it's also important to spend time focusing on his relationship with OP.

I think dating a man with children is very curtailing and will be even harder if you progress. Once they are older they might choose to move in, or spend more time at your place. He is doing the rock bottom bare minimum now as far as I can see. I think you should consider how much more this is going to impact you.

In your place short of not dumping him and having the young fun life I would prefer. Assuming he really won’t compromise then I would do a U.K. holiday with the kids and choose a fun friend for a week overseas. I would never choose a holiday abroad with that age group when they are not your dc - it’s so much work op. Genuinely hard work and not a holiday by any stretch.

I think one week abroad just the two of you is a reasonable request tbh.

He already takes them on a family holiday with wider family and then if you add a week away at a centre parks or coastline I think that's fair, but he sounds really reluctant to compromise and take your wants into consideration and I don't think you're asking for much.

Essentially you aren't compatible, I would look at what this relationship means to you and if you think it's worth sacrificing the things you want in life that nake you happy.

Why get into a relationship with a man with children if this is how you feel? They're his children of course he will want to take them on holiday. They were in his life before you.

If you want a holiday without him then go with friends. But he sounds like a good dad and I don't think he would go on holiday with just you. He would just be miserable and wishing his children were there.

Go on holiday with your girlfriends, thats what friends are for. The men in our lives can't meet ALL our needs.