Not taking step children on holiday

[Sparklyflipflop]

Hi all,

I know there’s plenty of threads about step children and holidays but finding it hard to find one in a similar situation and am looking for advice.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years and We live together. He has 2 children, I have none. We are discussing holidays for next year - the children are quite young 4 and 6. I love a beach holiday and boyfriend is not fussed if we go or not, if he was on his own he would not take the children abroad. I would like a holiday every year just the 2 of us however, bf is now insisting he wants to take the children on holiday abroad with us, which is fine with me as long as we have a week abroad alone as it will be a completely different sort of holiday for me (not relaxing) he has also said in conversation if we took them most of his time would be taken up entertaining them/looking after them etc - which again is fine but is why I feel we need a holiday alone as well.
Every year he does a uk holiday with family- I don’t know if this would happen if we were to take the children away abroad but either way they will get a holiday with dad.
Usual setup is every other weekend and one night in the week - I am around most of the time for this and we always do fun things with the kids while here.
I feel that if we book a holiday with the children there will be always be excuses why we can’t go on another one alone eg saving

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

AIBU to want a holiday alone with boyfriend if we can only go on one abroad holiday?

I would pay for my share, he would pay for himself and the kids. He would do most of the parenting I think it would just be quite a stressful holiday as they don’t like being in the car for half hour let alone a plane?

Honestly it's easier to find one without children. No such dilemmas.

That could easily change though. We read it all the time on here about stepparents who go form seeing their partners kids EOW to half the week or even the whole week as in the case of my friend who married a man with an older son who had to move in with them shortly after she married him. You need to be prepared for this.

I agree with the poster who said many if not most are not cut out to be stepparents.

I’d let this one go and find someone more compatible for your sake and the children’s sake too. Don’t be tied down by kids which aren’t yours.

@Sparklyflipflop these are young children you’re talking about!! Jesus wept, if you’re planning on having your own you’ll look back on this and cringe, (I would hope)

People with their own biological dc do take trips alone. Nurturing your relationship is important to the adults and the dc.. If he is telling you he isn't interested in doing that it's time to call it a day.

OP are you a lot younger than your boyfriend?
I mean this kindly. His number one responsibility is to his children. You will ALWAYS come second, and rightly so.
If/When you you have children of your own, you will understand this.

I would suggest (again) he takes his children away on his own, and the two of you have a holiday together.

YANBU to want it but you’ve chosen a man with children so that doesn’t mean you’re going to get it.

Your boyfriend is not obliged to pay for two holidays so that you get one without his children being present and if he went abroad but only ever took his children on UK holidays, that would make him a shit.

Either accept to have to make sacrifices and compromises, or don’t be with a bloke who’s first responsibility is to his kids.

May not be relevant to him, but does he not want to be far away from his children? I didn't when mine were small and wouldn't have been impressed by a partner insisting that I should for a holiday alone.

The difference here is he can only afford one. I don't think many parents would choose alone if it meant their dc didn't go at all. I think the usual budgeting route would be family first, then me time.

Your post is why many people don't want to date someone with DC. Because the DC (rightly) come first. And who the hell wants to play second fiddle in their relationship to DC they're not related to?

i would not be going on a holiday if it wasn't going to be fun and relaxing. Life with children that age is often not fun and relaxing, especially a holiday. And he is right - his priority will be the children. That means no romantic sunset beach walks, no romantic dinners for two, none of it.

In your shoes? i would ask if he wants to come on a holiday with me (of the type you want) but just the two of you. If he says that is never going to be on the cards - then you may want to rethink the relationship, or get used to going on holiday alone. If you have DCs together he will probably expect they join all holidays.

This exactly! I agree, personally I don’t want to be second to a man’s kid unless they’re mine too of course, so I’ve made the decision not to date men with kids. Simple.

And if I did date a man with kids and he put me ahead of his children that would be a complete turn off for me, because I believe his first responsibility is to his kids. So it’s a lose-lose situation 😂

he would not go abroad if I don’t suggest it because he is just not fussed by holidays in general - he is an amazing dad and does plenty of things just the children it just happens that I am there most of the time and has a big family close by so tend to do lots of things together. The uk holiday is arranged by other family and is a group thing that everyone enjoys

I have suggested this - my post is probably worded badly because I don’t mind taking the kids on holiday but I would like reassurance we will have holidays alone. Money isn’t the issue really - we could afford 2 holidays a year but because he isn’t fussed by them he will say a second one is not a priority

Have previously suggested this!

YANBU

So many parents go on family holidays, it's not a luxury.

f we took them most of his time would be taken up entertaining them/looking after them realistically, ALL his time will be taken by them! 4 years old especially are exhausting and so demanding.

He sounds like a good guy, it's important to prioritise your own kids You have to decide if it will work out for you. There's no right or wrong answer, I am a mum, but I wouldn't have turn my own life around someone's else kids.

If you decide to go, do not try to replicate an adult beach holiday. I LOVE holidays with my kids, always had from the time they were babies, but entire holiday planned around them - for example renting a flat so adults can have a glass of wine in the evening outside when kids are asleep or playing, as opposed to being crowded in a hotel room when it's too hot outside...

But they’re not 🤣 it’s clear as a bell what’s going on here - he’ll happily go on holiday if either his parents and/or OP are there to sort it all, and if they ARE sorting it then WHAM the kids have to come! (no point in missing out on brownie points if he’s got someone else lined up to do the parenting!)

Take his kids on holiday himself because he puts them first always and they would love a holiday? Aw come on noooo can’t be aaaarsed 🤣

we could afford 2 holidays a year but because he isn’t fussed by them he will say a second one is not a priority

that would worry me. Fair enough his kids are his priorities, but he should make efforts for what is important for YOU as well.

I think that f he can only afford one holiday then you alternate years - be ear with his dc abroad and one ear without. N child was ever considered t be deprived because they don't get a foreign holiday every year!

If he can afford a UK holiday and a foreign one, I'd say he should alternate these with his kids so he only does me holiday with them each year and one holiday with you alone.

As much as you have chosen a man with children, he has chosen a woman without them and he owes it to you to compromise and spend some holiday time alone with you.

Re the holidays with the kids - please make sure he is paying the bulk of this and doing the majority of the care. Help him for sure, but don't spend the whole time never doing anything nice for yourself because you are too busy minding the children.

what a stupid post.

I am a mum, I really don't want to take a 4 and 6 years old alone on holiday if I can avoid it. How many couples chose to go on holiday with parents to have help with kids?

Even going to the loo at the airport is easier with 2 adults. No one needs to be a martyr and have a crap time.

If you can afford it then you should definitely do both

If you can't afford two holidays, in your position I'd alternate - one year holiday alone, next year holiday with the kids. One Does their mom take them on an abroad holidays too? But besides the point, kids don't need an abroad holiday every single year!

Neither of you are unreasonable.

Yanbu to want some adult only holidays.

He is not unreasonable to not want adult only holidays.

OP I think your position is perfectly valid, and so is his, but honestly, just find another bloke without kids. Find someone who hasn't got such a huge commitment in their life, plenty of other good men out there. You say they don't impact your life 99% of the time and that just means something is wrong; either you're in for a big shock in future, or he's actually not a good dad and thus not a good guy.

Maybe you aren't compatible. He doesn't see a holiday with his partner as a priority and you do. You have to weigh up if that's deal breaking or not. It would be for me in the earlier stages of having a partner, I'd want someone who wants to see the world with me.

YANBU at all.

Was he taking them on an overseas holiday before now?

If no, why not?

If yes, why is he objecting to one family and one couple’s break?