Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

It seems that you have set out your stall. I think you need a clear discussion with everyone if you can. It would be good to include the kids in that and make sure that everyone is really clear where your lines are. So living with dad will mean the kids doing their own washing and packed lunches etc. That they will need to pick up the slack of their Dad.

We have 50:50 with DSC and my kids full time. When we merged the family I did all the lifting at home and all the massive school paperwork. DSC both have additional education needs. DH works in the same town as school so he did all the school runs.

It felt fair because DH helped so much with anything I asked and does a lot of the farm work and always does the heavy lifting with my sheep. He does all the garden too. Over the years I've pushed back on school admin for his kids.

DSC Mum has done less than the bare minimum over the years and has had a very negative impact on my DC. We actively detest her. But her kids at 15 & 17 want to keep doing 50:50.

Before I came along DH did it all but no one had spotted the learning issues. I have no idea how.

It sounds like their mum does a good job with them since you said they're a credit to her. Of course they want to live with you full time though if that's the fun house. But it won't be when it's full time.

If you DH wants to have them more then he has to facilitate that and no just expect you to be default childcare.

"We'll work it out" is code for "ahhhh will do it". Any working out should be done before any changes are made. Stand firm with this. The step-parenting forum is constantly full of stressed out stepmums who have been dumped with the childcare while dad goes about his business as usual.

I love how no-one is having a go at the father for wanting his children full time, but who won't parent them.

But let's have a go at the step mother because she won't take on the extra parenting of two children who aren't hers.

The step children have two parents, who need to step up...not leave it to the step parent.

Probably. But the children have 2 parents, so it's not the OPs responsibility to do the wife work for the 2 parents, plus she already has 2 other children to parent, presuming Disney dad doesn't pull his weight with them either.

If op’s children are going to pre school day care, they may not need lunch if it is part of the service. Or she is getting them ready for toddler football or whatever bad will bring them home for lunch. Or they have school lunch.

The DH left the house! Without finding out the arrangements for his kids or checking that OP could get them to school. That’s far closer to neglect.

I’m sure many of us have had a bad weekend - illness or family visiting or just plain forgot to pick dirty clothes up from a child’s bedroom floor - meaning a child was wearing Friday’s uniform. It’s not anything social services would care about.

”You wouldn't even know if they wore the same underwear and socks from Friday to Monday, which is neglectful.”

Well, this is pure hyperbole. I assume the dsc’s are junior school age if they have homework and a before school club. I didn’t check my 8 year old changed his pants if there were some in the drawer.

Can you not put their uniform in the wash at the same time as your children's? Same with the lunch, if you're making it already, why can't you do theirs? How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? You and you dh should be supporting each other, not point scoring. I'm sure once you have the conversation and make it clear you won't make their lunches or wash their clothes to the mother and the father, I'm sure they will decide its best not for them to have any other extended time with you.

Yes Disney dad could have done the washing. It's not ops responsibility to parent kids who already have 2 parents. I expect if Disney dad pulled his weight with all the kids he donated sperms for, op might be more obliging on occasion.

I already leave everything for DH when the kids are here. They often go to school on a Monday in the dirty uniform they came here in on the Friday. DH used to just leave for work at Monday and just assume I was going to get the step kids ready and take them to school. I told them to put the uniform on and left them at school and told them to go into the before school care room and stay there. They had no lunch etc so he got a bill for canteen and before school care.

You seem positively proud!! You are purposefully neglecting basic care for
2 children living in your home to prove a point?
I assume the children you birthed have a clean uniform?

"Yes Disney dad could have done the washing. It's not ops responsibility to parent kids who already have 2 parents."

Of course he could. Of course he should. And I think it would be a huge mistake for the OP to agree to them living full time without MASSIVE discussion and firm undertakings about arrangements in place, which I suspect aren't going to happen. But in a house with 4 children, two went to school in dirty uniforms with no lunch. To prove a point.

How old are they ?
And how old is your own older child ?

You definitely need to communicate your feelings here. If your DH works late then how can he not be involving you when it’s going to fall to you to take care of them / cook extra dinner every night etc.

I totally agree with your stance OP. It does sound like you are not being heard by DH. He sounds pretty shit tbh.

Can you talk to the DSS mum about it all?

This would be a deal breaker for me.

I can't believe you're being attacked for not parenting his kids when he blatantly left it to you without consultation.

I had a very different relationship with my SK's probably because I am not a mother and there was no blending involved of any kind. I struggled like hell and although DH was a Disney Dad he did the vast majority of parenting when they were with us. Although I cooked, cleaned and made sure they were in no way disadvantaged, I had no desire to be a parent.

To all of those blaming OP for neglect, please please take a look at the very many posts about step mothers being attacked for doing too much / caring too much. The OP is not neglectful - she is not responsible for them.

Agree. Punishing children to make a point is beyond petty.

You don’t want this, the mum doesn’t want it and the dad won’t help facilitate it

so just say no and get done proper discipline and boundaries in place at the weekend before your children resent it

@Needanewnamebeingwatched " love how no-one is having a go at the father for wanting his children full time, but who won't parent them."

I am and I have. I think he's a dick.
I think the OP is absolutely right not to want the children full time because he's obviously not begun to consider the practicalities. But children should not be pawns in parental battles.Ever.

The children want to come live with you because they aren't expected to muck in and do jobs like clearing the table, keeping their room tidy etc. So they see your home as an easier gig than being with their mum.
You need to start insisting that they help out e.g. if they need a packed lunch they make them, while you're doing the washing or making dinner or whatever. They need to bring their dirty clothes and put them in the washing basket etc. Life skills that their dad should be teaching them but it's not part of being a 'fun' dad so he doesn't think to do it (also traditional wife work...)
Because if they come to live with you full time or even 50/50, that's what they'll have to do, same as what your other two do. Once they realise that they have to contribute to keeping the show on the road and can't just sit around while you do everything, they might change their minds about wanting to move out of their mum's.

No she shouldn't.

She isn't there parent and so has no parental responsibility for them.

The school should rightly and they did contact their parent, their father, they were staying with over this.

"I sent them both a message saying I am happy to go with go with what ever they decide, but they need to consider how it’s going to work without my involvement".

Exactly this

Seems like you don’t speak to eachother about normal day to day stuff?? This is odd to me!!
for example one partner says to other

Partner A- “ Washing is building up, I’ll stick a load on “
Partner B— “oh yeah so it is, I’ll hang it out before I go to the supermarket “
Partner A— “ok cheers”

Like the whole Monday morning thing, have you not chatted about this over the weekend?

Hi @ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

They should not come live with you if you won't show up. You need to be clear that you will nit parent or support them. I saw you'd said it to the DD and DM that you're not going to be involved but they won't believe you. How can you not be involved?

Sending them to school in dirty uniform with no lunch etc is plain cruel.

Be honest, say you want it to stay like it is. Explain why - I think the strongest explanation is that the kids get fun time at yours and if they stay longer they'll lose that. Ie lose lose all round.

None of us should ever feel we are forced to do something we fundamentally disagree with. But that means we have to make a stand and fight our corner when we need to.

Good luck.

Have you not read the thread? Multiple posters have called him useless and neglectful. Drama.

Wow. Just fuckin wow.

They weren't punished.

If they were the OP wouldn't have taken them to school where she knew they would be fed, looked after before hand and educated.

Oddly some households don't do their washing like that - I know it is shocking!