Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

It is, isn’t it?

And - even if OP was a SAHM - it’s generally thought on MN that the WOHP should do their share on weekends and holidays. Such as bunging a wash on and making some sandwiches on Sunday nights!

Washing clothes is hardly a chore

I mean, that's literally what it is...

My washing machine plays a little tune when it starts and finishes, so it’s practically a disco 😀😀

Sorry, posted too soon. The fact that one adult is too lazy/disorganised to do that doesn't negate the responsibility any adult has to children in their care to make sure these basic things are done,

If you consider sticking sone washing on and taking it out an hour later as something difficult, you must live a privileged life. The kids/DH can hang it out. Pressing a button on a machine is the easiest thing in the world, unless you think she's scrubbing the clothes by hand.

Well, yes the OP works but it is not the same because she is a woman. She doesn't have a BIG IMPORTANT MAN JOB and so she is not lofty and important enough to be spared such mundanities as packed lunches and clean clothes.

Besides, everyone knows that woman have a really important skill that men don't. They can literally split themselves in two. The "wo-" part stays home and cooks, cleans and looks after children, while the "-man" part goes to work and earns money. They're only a "-" man so they don't do it so well, obviously, but at least they can earn some pin money and pay for the odd holiday.

So it's therefore completely fair that the OP should have two jobs in the family while her husband only has one.

If you consider sticking sone washing on and taking it out an hour later as something difficult, you must live a privileged life. The kids/DH can hang it out. Pressing a button on a machine is the easiest thing in the world, unless you think she's scrubbing the clothes by hand.

You didn't say difficult, you said a chore. It might not be difficult, but it is a chore. That is undeniable.

And it isn't just "pressing a button" is it. It can be gathering the clothes from wherever the children have dropped them, then washing them, then drying them one way or another, then (possibly) ironing them, then putting them where they need to go. Again, not difficult, but pretty much the definition of a chore.

It’s not difficult, but it IS a chore. If you made a list of chores, it would go cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing, hoovering etc

😀😀

If the kids/DH can hang it out, they can obviously wash it in the first place, can't they. The point is they don't think to do it or respond to being prompted, the hanging it out bit is not going to be any different.

It’s not difficult, but it IS a chore. If you made a list of chores, it would go cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing, hoovering etc Now you are being deliberately obtuse, as you know “it’s hardly chore” is a turn of phrase to mean it isn’t something difficult.

*a chore

The filling in of blanks by people who are high on their own self righteousness has been hilarious. OP packed the kids lunches, she did other washes, Social Services are going to get involved, hypothetical court proceedings... the shit people make up so they can stick the boot in.

There's a few more steps than that, logically, aren't there?

If I pressed a button on my machine without first remembering that the uniforms needed washed, stripping the clothes from the children, going round the house and making up a load, sorting colours, doing a dark load, emptying the machine, doing lights etc., then I'd be washing empty air.

It always amazes me how easy and straightforward things are when women do them, but they become insurmountable issues when men are asked to do them.

If I pressed a button on my machine without first remembering that the uniforms needed washed, stripping the clothes from the children, going round the house and making up a load, sorting colours, doing a dark load, emptying the machine, doing lights etc., then I'd be washing empty air. Did you really need me to list step by step how a wash works. Uniforms need to be washed weekly, so it's hardly difficult to remember. Children can be told to leave dirty clothes by the machine/in a laundry basket, which one would assume would have other clothes of said couloirs ready to be washed. You are making out washing to be an arduous exercise that it isn't. Hanging out and ironing are the hassle. I'm living with seven people at the moment for the summer and by far the easiest task is putting a wash on, compared to all the other more racing household chores.

The husband should be doing all of this. The fact is he isn't. It's really down to whether you could have a child in your care and just ignore/refuse to do the necessary things because your DH is too lazy/disorganised. I couldn't. Sounds like you and the OP wouldn't have a problem with it, which is where we differ.

*mundane, not racing lol

Samsung?

No one thinks this should become the OPs job or that her h isn't a complete arse.
But the OP had a choice - she could either send them to school in dirty uniforms with no lunch money or not. She made the wrong call and went with the former.The children paid for the fact their father is a lazy twat, when there was an adult in the house who could have spared them that embarrassment. Instead it was more important to her to passive aggressively make a point to her h, that he probably won't get or care about anyway! And that adult is still passively staying out of the decision making knowing how this is likely to turn out for those children. That's what she's doing wrong.

OP needs to be getting fully involved in saying no to the kids moving in. And fighting for their right to be cared for properly - step parent or not, the children we come into contact with regularly are people we should advocate for, when they cannot do it for themselves. On some level child welfare is everyone's responsibility. Even a stepmother's!

Shes just letting this shit storm unfold around her.

Next time, call their mum or drop them off at your husbands place of work and have the argument about him taking the absolute piss. But don't let the children go to school embarrassed and dirty. That hit was on you too.

I'm not sone Mother Earth either. I fucking loathe housework of any kind, but I would feel a sense of responsibility to those kids to look after them. I would with any child. I'd also be seriously questioning my relationship with a man who didn't.

Agreed

Ah, another one who hasn't bothered taking into consideration OP needing to get to work and has no idea whether either of their parents would actually have been available. Honestly, the sheer invention on this thread is something else.

You need to find out more about the actual logistics before sticking the boot in.

That was to both of you, by the way. The one who made the assumptions, and the one who told her she was right to do so.

Children don't always do things just because you've asked them to. I've asked my DSS to put his washing in the laundry basket many times, he's never once done it of his own volition.

And if drying/ironing are the hassle, what on Earth makes you think he will magically think to do this, but it's just the washing stage that is beyond him? That part of the process would clearly be exactly the same, so if OP didn't do the part that was a hassle, all they would have is wet clothes in the machine come monday, which is actually less useful than dirty clothes they could at least wear.

Most chores aren't difficult in themselves. They're boring, time-consuming and cumulative. It's the latter than makes them difficult. If all I had to do in my afternoon was some washing, then clearly it would be easy. Remembering it and fitting it in with all the other shit is the difficult part.

Do some washing - easy-peasy.

Pick up older ones from school, pick up little one from nursery, get everyone home, referee arguments, tell kids to stop hitting/shouting/moaning, get snacks, organise homework, referee TV battles, drag everyone out to child's activity, back home, chop vegetables, dinner on, change toddler, mind toddler, pay bills, order new clothes for toddler, sort return of shoes that didn't fit, order new kit for children's clubs, wrap present for weekend birthday party, get kids to write card, get everyone to sit and eat dinner at the table, clean up, load dishwasher, run bath, toddler in bath, toddler out of bath, round up escaped toddler and wrestle into pyjamas, toddler bedtime, go downstairs, wipe surfaces, unload dishwasher, put everything away, interact with older children, get older children to bed, check work emails etc. - suddenly, not so easy.

In OPs case, the husband doesn't do things just because he's been asked to either! But people haven't let that get in the way of the things they've made up to stick the boot into OP.