Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

I suspect they will have clothes at their dads for weekends etc.

Many posters on this thread need to stop the hyperbolic comments. It's laughable that 'social services will get involved' because kids are having school dinners instead of packed lunches every other Monday and their dad hasn't washed their uniform. It's also their dad's responsibility to parent his children, not OP's, so no, she is not 'disgusting' for not shouldering his basic parenting jobs. She doesn't exist to be delegated this man's responsibilities. Hence her message to him and his ex wife making it clear that she will not make his responsibilities her responsibilities.

Course they want to to live with you as it's a the fun house - you don't even make them tidy up ffs

You say yourself dh is a Disney dad

Sending kids to school is dirty uniform and no lunch is horrible

Did no one wash at all over the weekend or have their own uniform at yours ?

Why did they split up ? He sounds totally useless as a dad - poor Kim. You say she is lovely so why don't you support her and get kids to do at yours what they would do at theirs

Tidy up for one thing

Absolutely this.

This is giving me flashbacks to my own childhood. I absolutely depended on my parents’ partners treating me with kindness when my parents were putting me in the middle.

I’m of course not saying that you should be doing all the parenting, but exactly what is the situation? If their mother is lovely, why do they want to live full time with you?

I'm all for standing your ground, but I would have too much self respect to turn out dirty kids who don't have lunch provided alongside my own presumably clean, fed ones. No it isn't your job, but I would have done this for unrelated dc who were just with mine for a playdate. You have a problem with your dh, he sees childcare as women's work, but the fact is you both treated the children badly - him because he couldn't be bothered and you because you stood your ground.

I presume the posters criticising the OP for the dirty uniform think that the OP should have realised the uniform needed to be washed and arranged this over the weekend so there would be clean uniform on Monday (i.e. assumed the mental load relating to this task).

I can imagine this mistake being made once (dad is used to dumping on the OP and thinks normal household duties are for lesser beings, OP doesn't pick up this particular task). But unfortunately it does sound from the OP's post that this is a frequent occurrence - they're 'often' sent in dirty clothes. So the dad hasn't learnt from his behaviour and still thinks caring for children is 'wimmin's business'.

Absolutely be clear that you are happy with the current arrangement and if it is changed you will not be doing pick ups and drop offs for school, making packed lunches, doing the additional childcare in holidays /evenings of taking over if they are sick. You will do what you do now and no more. Be firm in your boundaries and stick to your guns. You can easily end uo being put upon to bear the brunt and the very fact you are not being included in the discussions so far or asked for your opinion says it all really!

That's harsch, unless you are a troll?
Deep down they know that you don't like them being there... actions speak louder than words.

How old are they? Can they get dressed by themselves? Put dirty clothing in the washing basket, make a sandwich?

If the children are with you, you are naturally involved in their care.

You need to be a team with your DH, caring and parenting for all DC together.

Especially if the SDCs time at your home is increased.

Their mother, who does their laundry and does everything else for them 11 days out of 14?
Its scraping the bare minimum to make sure the kids have clean uniform on Monday.
Those poor kids. OP, I’m shocked you and your husband can ‘often’ allow this to happen. Obviously your husband is neglectful to allow this to happen, but you are standing by and watching it happen too.
Those kids must be so embarrassed and stressed on a Monday, knowing they’re dirty.

Does he at least plan for them to have school dinners, or do those poor kids have to tell a teacher they have no lunch, and then they do the walk of shame to ask to have school dinners?

That is exactly what they expect!

The glaring issue to me here is the lack of communication between you and your DH. You need to have a conversation about this and discuss what you will and won't do. It's unclear from your post if your DH is leaving all the childcare to you unfairly or if you work less hours and therefore are the one doing school runs etc, so it's perhaps more reasonable to think you might help with the step kids too. Either way your DH has unspoken expectations of you and you have vaguely said you won't do them. A conversation along the lines of 'how would Jo get to football on Wed nights?', 'will you be able to come home earlier to see them?'

A secondary issue seems to be the kids want to stay at the fun house, but it will likely not be so fun if they are there more doing homework etc. This might need addressing with them!

How old are these children and how long have you been with your oh?

I'm sorry but you say you care for them and the blended family works well.... but it cant can it if you aren't treating the children equally?? Does your oh treat your child from previous relationship indifferently too?

Even though they have a mum and dad and yes their dad should be doing more when they are with you... if you are already doing the washing for your kids, how hard is it to wash two extra uniforms?? Yea you don't have to but why should the kids suffer? Surely it's just going to make the poor kids feel crap going to school grubby and with no lunch and they could get bullied all because you wanted to prove a point?

I suggest if you aren't going to treat them equally to your own kids and their dad is at work anyway it's much better they stay with their mum!

True!

This

Exactly its very sad. @ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what would you do if you came home one day and your dh had given your joint dc their dinner but not your sole dc?

Fucking hell, the number of women who are suggesting the OP should just take on the wife work with no comlaints is astounding.

I dunno, OP, I get that you need to put your foot down. But I'm thinking about how it must feel to be a child, going into school extra early with no lunch and and unclean uniform. Of course it's your husband who should be sorting this, but they're humans with feelings, not there to facilitate a point you want to make about childcare. Talk to your husband, yell if you have to, but always treat others' children the way you'd like people to treat yours.

They did have lunch and were cared for, the op didn't go to work and leave the dc at home. She dropped them off at school and they got lunch, just happens that her dh had to pay for it all.

The dc have two parents, why is the op responsible for making sure they have clean clothes and a packed lunch?

@Floofydawg no, posters are just shocked they the kids are being treated like shit by all the adults.
@ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm assuming your dh follows your stance and does absolutely nothing for your sole dc?

The kids want to come to you because you provide the "fun" house and don't get involved with the actual parenting. That's fine for EOW and the fact that dh is a disney dad isn't your problem (it's shit parenting but that's on him not you) but having the stepkids there more than EOW would destroy the functioning dynamic you have.

This terrible idea, and absolutely you need to be more involved in the discussion because your own children's lives will be massively affected.

You cannot and shoukd not be expected to double your parenting and household management workload without your consent, and if you don't do so and DH doesn't totally revolutionise his worklife balance and parenting style (and you know he won't) then it will be impossible to maintain your current standards and activities with your own 2 DC while the other 2 are there.

I think you need to be clear that if the SC arrangements are changed then you and your 2 kids will be moving out and dh can be disney dad to them EOW instead.

Disney dad parenting only works if it's only 2 days out of 14 and a proper grownup is picking up the slack the other 12 days. If that's not going to be you then it won't get done and it will be a total disaster.

How do you get on with the mum?

I think that you ought to have a private conversation with her about dh’s poor parenting.

In this situation as mum I would prefer to be the baddy and say to the kids “no you can’t go to dads more “ than for them to realise how little he cares about them when he chooses not to look after them.

The worst scenario here is that they change to 50/50 and it makes their lives a lot worse. Anxiey because of going to school without uniform, dropping grades because no homework help, no play dates because dad doesn’t know their friends, less healthy because dad doesn’t cook etc etc.

Why is their dad so shite at sorting them out?

This. Rather than a vague text about not getting involved, ask your DH some specific questions. "How will x get to their activity on Wed night?" "Who will be doing the school run?" "What if they want to have a friend over?"

Sending kids to school on purpose without lunch? That’s nasty as hell, plain and simple
you have such a lack of respect for them.
if you partner goes to work long hours to pay for you and your two ‘real kids’ to be home then why won’t you also prepare their lunch?

lots of kids would be really mortified to tell a teacher they don’t have lunch

you describe their clothes being ‘dirty’ too? Shame on both you and your husband.
the fact he neglects them, and the fact you spitefully let them go to school with no lunch ( let’s be honest, it’s pretty damn easy to make a packed lunch).

sounds super dysfunctional

I think you need to keep your boundaries. I wouldn't listen to wet word your husband says about it working out. What he really means is that he thinks you will cave and look after his children. Being a Disney dad might be fine for short periods of time but I can't see it being healthy for children full-time. One of my colleague's stepson decided to move in with dear old dad on the basis that his dad was very laidback - the stepson got the shock of his life that his father then insisted on him going to school, doing his homework and being home by a curfew. Anyway, not your children, not your responsibility when they turn into rude little couch potatoes.