Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

When we had the youngest we had a daily nanny for them ( as we both work full time) and she collected the 3 teenagers from school coaches, made them dinner, ensured home work and music practice got started. May be hiring someone so you can return to full time work that your husband and you and the step children's mothers pays is the answer. We also had a cleaner. (We are not a blended family)

Without understanding your exact set up it's hard to say if this could work but even as an outsider it's clear that you can't just carry on as you have been doing but for more days.
It's all well and good voicing your concerns but ultimately if both the parents and yhe children are up for it can where would you stand? I'm presuming when you first got together the deal was you and your child come as a package. He may not have strictly split parenting down the middle but presumably he's been OK with your child living with you both fulltime and he's contributed financially one way or another. This is one of the reasons I don't think I'd date someone with children....anything could change.
You're right to voice your concerns and make it clear that he'll need to step up with the hands on parenting. Presumably his child support will stop. After paying for the children's 'keep'will you be financially better off. Could you use that money maybe for taxis, convenience (but healthy) meals? Incidently, with mum still claim CB? Will she be responsible for buying clothing, etc. There's just sooo much to consider.
I agree with others, suggest a trial then take it from there.

Do the step children, or any of the children for that matter, know how to use a washing machine, make a sandwich, cook basic meals, tidy their mess, change bed linen, etc etc? If not, time they were taught.

I had a 10yo school friend who cooked dinner for her younger siblings when both parents worked shifts. Not impossible for kids to do this stuff, if taught to. It's not child exploitation, it's life skills.

Absolutely you should be part of this decision. I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you to express your opinion and no disrespect but for a mother to even be considering this….does she need help? Is this a short term ask until she gets back on her feet etc?!

I already leave everything for DH when the kids are here. They often go to school on a Monday in the dirty uniform they came here in on the Friday. DH used to just leave for work at Monday and just assume I was going to get the step kids ready and take them to school.

This is the nastiest, saddest thing I've read all day.

Why the hell didn't you wash your clothes for them? Not because you're their mum, but because you're a decent human being who doesn't want to neglect children living in their house. You should be ashamed of yourself frankly. Grow up.

I wonder if she washed uniforms & packed lunches for her own two children. Seems a bit damaging to treat children so differently…
However I am not saying she should take on the sole parenting of two extra children.

I would also add, why the hell did you get involved with a man who already had kids, if you were simply going to say, this one is my kid before you, this one is my kid with you, but those two - fuck them, I've got no time to sort their things out. I'm not doing their washing, or cleaning, or cheering for them at their sports events because they're nothing to do with me.

Unbelievably cruel. Blended family my arse.

I take better care of my own children's friends who live round the corner than you do of your OWN CHILDREN"S SIBLINGS.

If you are wondering this, I have a great solution.

Read the thread.

Why the hell did he have kids if he was just going to say "fuck you, you're the problem if the nearest vagina"?
Why the hell did he bother getting a wife if he had no intention of treating her with respect or pulling his weight for the family?

Sing it, sister.

Your posts are so sad - poor kids. Is it really that much effort to do, as you put it, the small but important things for them as you do for your own. I honestly despair of people sometimes. Yes, yes, it’s their dad’s responsibility but which decent person could stand by and take the active decision not to give these kids some care and attention.

I know we say it takes a village but those children are the responsibility of their parents and it's not anyone else's job to parent their kids for them.

Place the responsibility where it belongs.

With their father while he has custody of them.

Yes it is very sad. Is it really that much effort for their dad to do the small but important things he does for his child with the OP? --- oh wait, he doesn't do those small but important things for his third child either. Very very sad.

Like you said, what decent person - what decent father even - could stand by and take the active decision not to give these kids some care and attention instead of just choosing the nice bits of parenting. very sad indeed.

What planet are you on?! OP has to do his thinking for him now too? He's got eyes in his head. He can notice for himself that the DC have no clean uniform, he's got a voice too to ask them with. OP doesn't have to notice things and mention them to him! She's not his substitute brain for when his own brain is too busy with things he actually cares about which sadly isn't his DC.

All these people having a go at OP for not doing all the parenting when he dumped the DC on her without warning or agreement. Does it not occur to any of you that she had to go to work and woke up with the usual amount of time to get her own DC ready and herself, time which didn't include parenting two extra DC and running round after them? She did the bare minimum necessary for those DC welfare, which is more than she had to do. If she'd wanted to prove a point she could have left them on the front step when she went to work and called them in a taxi to take them to his workplace and left him to pay the fare at his end. That would have taught him a lesson he'd not forget in a hurry. But she didn't, she went out of her way to take them to their school and for all we know she could have made herself late for work doing it.

Poor kids. How difficult is it to chuck washing into a washing machine to have their uniform ready for Monday. It shows a complete lack of care. Poor kids treated as second class citizens 😓

@mindbogglingmaths

You and your ilk want OP to run around filling in for the children's father in everything he neglects to do, so do you also think she might have a say in whether or not the children move in full-time, or should she mind her own business as she is not their parent?

He's got eyes in his head. He can notice for himself that the DC have no clean uniform, he's got a voice too to ask them with.

He can notice when he’s at work? All PP’s saying ‘you want her to do all the parenting’ no, but some would be nice. It is ‘blended’ family after all. OP has made it very clear she does nothing.

OP has made it very clear she does nothing.

Ah well she might as well stop cooking for them, taking them to clubs and taking them to school, then, since it's nothing.

He's at work 24/7, is he? So no time off at all?

How do single working parents (particularly those without that useful household appliance known as the "wife") manage to make sure their children have clean clothes for school?

OP also works.

And the kids arrive on Friday in their uniforms and need to leave on Monday in those same uniforms. Unless he’s posted to an oil rig, the DH is home over the weekend to do this.

I don't think their mother should have to pay for a nanny on dad's time. I know if my stepkids mum asked my DH to pay for a nanny on her time because she had to work he'd laugh in her face. The mum's already managing her work around her kids. Why should she have to foot the bill because dad can't do the same.

It’s incredible the number of posters who’ve imagined OP as a SAHM and referred to her DH as facilitating her staying at home, insinuated she should be caring for the stepchildren to earn her keep, suggested she go back to work, completely ignored the information in her posts. It’s odd.

And even if he did work all weekend, he could order a spare set of uniform so that one could stay at his house to be washed during the week.

I understand that OP wants her DH to step up and do his bit, as he should. That’s an issue that needs to be addressed. However, whether I usually did washing at the weekend or not, I would wash their clothes if I saw it hasn’t been done. Washing clothes is hardly a chore. Wash them and tell him to iron them. Ask him in the evening if he’s done their lunches. You shouldn’t have to, but neither should the kids be in dirty clothes or without lunch. I just couldn’t let that happen. I would do that basic stuff, or make sure someone had done it for any child in my care.

*hadn’t