Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

Their mother could have given them a clean uniform on Friday, it would have been fine for a second day on Monday.

@ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh your text them then is pointlessly and ridiculously vague. Disney Dad obviously has zero idea what’s involved so it’s 100% your job to spell out the things you won’t be doing.
Since kids Mum doesn’t want you to have them 100% then you should put this on the group chat.
Also if it’s 50/50 do not accept fri-Mon every week, that’s not 50/50. In the same way he needs to think about how he’ll get them home from school, maybe they’ll have to stay on and he pays for wrap around care?

Agree with this.

I was actually nodding along with you OP until I read this. Just nasty to send kids into school with dirty clothes and no lunch. I wouldn't treat a stranger's kids like that let alone my own DC's siblings. Shame on you and your DH.

But in answer to your OP, you need to stop the shilly-shallying and say it won't work as you're not prepared to step up. And it won't work as your DH works long hours. I love it when people say that the DH should quit his job or go PT. The OP's going to love that isn't she with a massively reduced household income!

But then if you are not prepared to look after his DCs, why did you marry a man with DCs? What if the DM died?

Then they've got the message. Stick to your word.

Good luck

It’s not just uniform. I doubt OP and her DH do any washing. So they’re probably wearing dirty pants / socks too

I think that is very mean and unpleasant to send the children to school in dirty uniform just to be petty.

I get you dont want to pick up full time parenting of these children but ensuring they are clean and adequately fed is a basic thing and you come across as almost proud that you do nothing to ensure that they start the week in a positive manner.

Please leave the children with their mum as they are, if you are not willing to do more as I presume you are able to, you just won't.

They definitely haven’t got the message as DH will have zero idea what it is that OP won’t be doing!

Why is it her responsibility to get his children ready. We always want to blame the woman don’t we, he is their Dad but she is not their Mum, do the responsibility is his, especially if she points all this out very clearly before any decision is made

Why should their mother do it? She puts the kids in school on Friday in a clean uniform presumably- it’s not too much to expect their father to wash their clothes and feed them surely.

The issue is that the children’s father doesn’t parent the kids and their step mother doesn’t want to - this isn’t acceptable, especially if considering 50/50 care.

I’m not saying the OP should take the responsibility for the kids but a conversation needs to happen here - they can’t spend every weekend being ‘Disney’ parents and essentially neglecting the kids basic needs!

He’s a father who neglects his children. OP is willing to be with a man who does that. Both disgusting.

Honestly this is just awful. These are your dc's siblings OP and you don't care to see them neglected to make a point? They need to stay with their mother 100% of the time, sounds as if their father cba either.

Sounds like OP doesn't get a choice to leave them with their mum

Could you get some sort of written contract signed to say if he neglects his kids or leaves it to you you will leave and report him to social services?

I'm a bit shocked by this.
I totally understand you shouldn't have to take on parental responsibility for two additional children full time BUT
The kids need lunch and they need to be cared for. How would you feel as a child if you had been dropped off in dirty clothes with no lunch.
As others have said you are neglecting children rather than speaking to your husband, you are the two adults and you need to sort this out so the children have a good standard of care. The same as you would want for your own children.

He works long hours to subsidise her time at home. She needs to do the parenting or go to work f/t and let him reduce his hours. OP can’t have it all ways

In a dysfunctional family setting such as that you describe (your house) your own children will also be assessed by social services. So if the step kids won't be fed and go to school in dirty uniform because your dh won't do it, your own children may also be put on an at risk register.

Maybe you and the kids should move out

If you have to sign a contract to not neglect your children you're a scumbag. And I'd LTB anyway. I assume he wants them there to avoid CS.

I was thinking exactly this.

Don't be fobbed off OP. If your DH can't even be arsed to wash his kids school uniform, how on earth is he going to make it work without relying massively on you to take on the extra load?

Problem is if an honest and frank conversation means the DH makes promises he doesn't keep. He is already a Disney Dad.
But I agree the OP needs to state her wishes and not be pushed into something she doesn't want - if their house is the Disney home where no demands are made no wonder they want to stay more often.

Perhaps she did and it got dirty on Friday. No clean uniform on Monday is very much the DH’s responsibility not the mother’s when she wasn’t anywhere near the uniform to wash it. She shouldn’t have to preempt that her useless ex-husband will do nothing all weekend.

Where does it say she’s part time or at home?

You say you are a blended family and it works well but the kids wear dirty uniform and have no lunch because you don't think you should arrange that? I think you need to give you're head a wobble here. It shouldn't be down to just your dh to care, you as their step mum should care too. I think you should tell them mum that you send them in dirty clothes and don't make them lunch because you don't feel you should have.

Can I just point out that children going to school in a uniform that was worn once before and having a school lunch in a canteen are not things that are going to put them on an 'at risk' register. (Which is not actually something that exists anyway).

I might be missing the point of the thread here, but how many of you can wash/dry uniform in a matter of minutes once you realise it’s dirty on a Monday morning whilst getting two other children ready to rush out the house?

Also breakfast club and a school dinner instead of a packed lunch is not neglect. It proved a point to her DP that she would not be a skivvy and hopefully he didn’t repeat the behaviour, if he did then I think the OP should have had stern words and seriously considered what sort of man she was with.

👏