Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

How old are the children?

If they are to live with you and their Dad 50/50 or full time there needs to be proper rules in place for them and their Dad needs to step up and do some proper parenting.

I feel sorry for the children in all this, if you are a blended family all of the children need to be treated equally by both you and your husband. Were they the only ones without clean clothes ready for the Monday? I'm not saying it is your sole responsibility, their Dad should be checking they have everything they need or buying a set or two of uniform to keep at your house for them.

Dad needs to pull his finger out and start washing clothes for his kids. The lunch isn't really an issue if he's giving them money. This is no way OPs responsibility just because she has two X chromosomes.

Does he do any parenting towards your child? As in, yours not your shared child?

I'm amazed the mother is contemplating increasing your husband's custody time when he's that incompetent and selfish.

No lunch, dirty uniforms, no arrangements for how they will get to and from school...

What is he like with your shared children?

They got told to walk into wrap around care provision where they weren’t expected and, presumably, had to explain why they were there unannounced.

They then had to explain at the canteen that they didn’t have a packed lunch or any money. That’s a horrible feeling as a child. I understand that accidents happen and packed lunches are forgotten but to force that situation intentionally is horrible.

The OP could have gone in with the children and explained the situation to the wraparound care provider and emailed/ contacted the school about the missing packed lunches. Or given them money for a canteen lunch and asked for it back from H. That way she still ‘proves her point’ but the children aren’t put in an awkward position. (This is assuming SC aren’t 16+!)

I would assume OP dropped them at school knowing that before school club was on and knowing that there is an option to be given school lunch. That’s not neglect.

I agree Sheila.

But this is DH job to organise/book etc for his children, why isn’t he doing that?

Good on you for standing your ground OP, so many men want to avoid paying cm but expect the woman in their life to do the free childcare. But leaving kids with dirty uniform and no lunch makes you complicit in neglect if kids turn up to school like this, especially more than once, someone has taken note of it if they have noticed, you stood back and said ‘not my problem’. If some random kid is in a ‘bad’ way, it’s not your responsibility generally but in that moment it is, in that moment you do what you can for them as the person responsible for them has failed and then alert the appropriate person. We all have a duty. In this case quickly sort or their lunch or uniform he’s forced you to do it you don’t want to but you know that’s the decent thing to do, whatever you can sort out that will maintain their dignity but have it out with your Dh. But honestly if my Dh did that he’d be out of the door. I would also tell their mother as she has a right to know if she doesn’t already. I’m sure he’s a shit dad to your shared kid as well. Why put up with it and stand back while sc are neglected. Itll be your shared kid in the near future it happens to if you’re not there. I mean it’s really not cool to allow that to happen under your nose.

That poor mum - she loves them, makes sure they are properly cared for, makes them do their homework and they want to bugger off and live with 'fun' dad, who can't be fucked to even put their clothes in a washing machine! You both owe it to her not to allow this change to take place. And tell the kids that mummy looks after them better because dad is a lazy bastard at work a lot!

And absolute shame on you for sending those children to school in dirty clothes and with no food!

Op is not neglectful and not wrong to make the point. The dad is neglectful for just assuming a step mum who says she doesn't have responsibility will step up.

I very much suspect that's what he's doing again now.

I'd say he's fun because he's crap dad. The poor mum being rejected for parenting well.

If he's this crap with your shared child I'd be tackling that before moving step kids in

@Roomsharing yes the OP could have done all those things, but so could the father, he could have washed the uniforms and prepared a pack lunch, even gone into work late. The mother could have dropped a clean uniform round along with a packed lunch and called the school to confirm wrap around care and lunch. There are two other adults who are the dc parents to do this.

Does your DH go to work in dirty clothes and have to embarrass himself by having to explain he has no way to get himself lunch? I'm not expecting you to do it but personally I would have sorted it and told DH what a piece of shit he was for putting the kids in that position and under no circumstances would I be picking his slack up again.

Not wanting to parent and being honest is good but I’m shocked that you made your point using the children.
How much do you work? If dad needs to reduce his hours to fully look after his children without any support from you there will be a reduction in household income. You can’t have it both ways. Those are the consequences when you choose to be in a relationship with a man with children.

The dad who they were staying with could have done washing. My DSS’s would come to us straight from school on a Friday and go home Sunday afternoon. They would be sent home with Friday’s uniform washed and dried. Either DH or I would wash it with our clothes.

Sorry I haven’t explained the situation very well. The kids are cared for. When I say I don’t parent them it means I don’t make sure the washing is done, I assume their dad has organised care in the morning when we both have to work and I have already got 2 kids to get ready. I feed them but don’t argue about eating vegetables. I reminded them to do their homework and help if asked but I don’t make sure they do it. I pick them up on a Friday after school when they are here. I sometimes take them places they need to go like sport, but I don’t always stay and watch. If my kids have something on that will always take priority.

I don’t do all the things I do for my kids because I just don’t have time. If they live here they will often not have their lunch packed or clean uniform. They will miss out on their activities because my kids have something on or because I don’t want to drag my youngest out yet again. Despite their dads good intentions it will all get left to me and I won’t do it and they aren’t listening to me.

Their dad isn’t useless, but definitely a Disney dad. He does a lot with them, but the little one important stuff gets missed.

Who won't be interested.

Their dad isn’t useless

He is and he’s neglectful too. Vile.

This.

I can see this thread is just going to be a massive pile on with more and more wild accusations being thrown at the OP.

I predict the end point will be that she actually kept the stepkids locked up with no food in a cold, wet cellar over the weekend, then made them walk to school barefoot and wearing rags while cackling and beating them with a stick.

I was going to ask this. It just seems so bizarre if you literally will not do any caring for them. Of course they aren't your children but refusing to do basics just seems odd. There is a long way between doing everything for them and doing nothing for them that should be managed by healthy conversations between you and your DH.

I dont think it is fair at all to have them more in a house where the attitudes are almost like they are possessions, so if they are yours, you will look after them but otherwise not.

Christ, those poor children. Being sent to school in dirty uniforms without lunch. Am wondering why the hell they want to live with you.

I’m sorry OP but if you don’t want to treat your husbands children equally to your own then they definitely shouldn’t be living with you and you need to reassess whether it works for you to be in a relationship with someone with children.

Whether they are with you and their dad for a weekend or for longer they are being treated as second class citizens. How can you think it’s acceptable to admit as a step mother that you won’t wash their clothes or make their lunches because you’ll only do that for your own children? That of course goes both ways, I would expect your DH to clean and care for your child in the same way, all of the parenting duties should be split between both ‘parents’ for all of the children. That’s how a blended family should be!

Can a family be described as 'blended' if when the step-children are there you do no parenting at all? Your husband doesn't do much either from what you say but that's a different matter.

You say you're the fun house - that's all well and good but it's not much fun to be sent to school in last Friday's clothes and no lunch. You wouldn't even know if they wore the same underwear and socks from Friday to Monday, which is neglectful. A blended family surely means that the step-parent takes a bit of interest in the practicalities of clothing.

I hope for the children's sake that things get sorted and they stay with their mum.

What do you mean you don't have time to do some of the things? Some of us are raising 4+ children, all with activities and clothes to wash, and manage to find the time. I'm not saying you should be defaulting into the traditional mother role but you create time. Does your DH never do a thing for your child that is not also his?

I don't feel so bad about the kids having to get a school dinner. They will be fed, their father gets the bill. I just couldn't send them to school in dirty uniforms. How much effort does it take to throw them in the wash with a normal load? Those kids deserve dignity and not to feel like an inconvenience.

Why do they want to live with you? Are they trying to win their Dad's love and attention more? Have they said? I feel for their mother who does all the hard yards and is being rejected like this. The kids will also be in for a wake up call when it's different day to day than what they are used to.

I have already got 2 kids to get ready.
So you'll make up 2 dcs lunch and not the others?

they are being treated as second class citizens.

Quite they opposite - the OP doesn't discipline them as it's left quite rightly to DF but unfortunatey he is a Disney Dad - so it's all day party time when they are there. Which might be the reason they want to stay more.