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Original poster

Step kids want to live with us full time.

1000 replies

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 22/08/2023 02:30

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

OP posts:
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BodegaSushi · 22/08/2023 08:30

RaceToTheMiddle · 22/08/2023 08:25

Seems like you don’t speak to eachother about normal day to day stuff?? This is odd to me!!
for example one partner says to other

Partner A- “ Washing is building up, I’ll stick a load on “
Partner B— “oh yeah so it is, I’ll hang it out before I go to the supermarket “
Partner A— “ok cheers”

Like the whole Monday morning thing, have you not chatted about this over the weekend?

Yes and OP says they regularly go to school in dirty uniform when with them. Clearly their dad doesn't know about it. Wonder why OP has neglected to mention this to him

Growlybear83 · 22/08/2023 08:32

MrsWhites · 22/08/2023 07:52

I’m sorry OP but if you don’t want to treat your husbands children equally to your own then they definitely shouldn’t be living with you and you need to reassess whether it works for you to be in a relationship with someone with children.

Whether they are with you and their dad for a weekend or for longer they are being treated as second class citizens. How can you think it’s acceptable to admit as a step mother that you won’t wash their clothes or make their lunches because you’ll only do that for your own children? That of course goes both ways, I would expect your DH to clean and care for your child in the same way, all of the parenting duties should be split between both ‘parents’ for all of the children. That’s how a blended family should be!

I agree completely. With two children of your own, presumably you are washing clothes regularly so why would you not just stick their school clothes in with your other washing over the weekend? And as for packed lunches, it would take less than five minutes to prepare a basic packed lunch for both of the children, even less if you're already preparing your own children's lunches.

mycoffeecup · 22/08/2023 08:32

Leaving aside the issue of why on earth did you have a child with a man who can't parent his own kids properly, you need to put your foot down. He parents his kids, you parent yours, you jointly parent the one you have together. I'd suggest you start by going away with your child for a few weekends when his are here.

Mrsjayy · 22/08/2023 08:32

CurlewKate · 22/08/2023 06:02

Whatever happens, the kids shouldn't be pawns in the game. Sending them to school in dirty clothes and with no lunch to prove a point?

This, op I get it you don't want to look after them make lunches etc but I think that they are better looked after by their mum sadly I wouldn't entertain 50/50 because your husband is neglectful and you are happy to go along with that.

thereisnotachance · 22/08/2023 08:33

This is where the 'fun house' approach falls apart. If they live with you full time (or mostly) they need structure/boundaries/practical hands on support - the things that can be let slip on a weekend but day in day out need to be regulated. If you know their dad won't step up and you refuse to do it then I don't see how this can work.

I'm surprised the mother is contemplating this.

Daisiesunderblueskies · 22/08/2023 08:33

I think you should say to the child’s mother that their father let them go to school without lunch and in dirty uniform so she is in full receipt of the facts before agreeing to allow the children to move in with you. Then let her decide if this is in the best interests of the children. Absolutely don’t pick up the slack. He isn’t a ‘Disney’ Dad. He’s a disgrace.

Genevieva · 22/08/2023 08:34
  1. Ask their mum directly what she wants most. Make it clear to her that you do not want her feeling that you are taking her kids away from her.
  2. This will inevitably impact you, so you do need to be able to communicate what the limits on your willingness to accommodate them are. Eg if your maximum is 5 nights a fortnight combined with DH doing laundry, school runs, homework support, supper and lights out, then say so now.
  3. There are many compromise situations. Eg say they spend 3 nights a fortnight with you now (Fri, Sat, Sun) then this could increase to 4 nights a fortnight, either by adding the Thursday night or by adding a Tuesday or Wednesday every other week. See how that goes before increasing to 50:50 (7 nights a fortnight).
  4. Tell the parents they need to explain to the kids that it won’t be all fun and games. Daddy on a school night will have different expectations. Are they sure they want that?
Whattheflipflap · 22/08/2023 08:34

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 22/08/2023 05:19

I already leave everything for DH when the kids are here. They often go to school on a Monday in the dirty uniform they came here in on the Friday. DH used to just leave for work at Monday and just assume I was going to get the step kids ready and take them to school. I told them to put the uniform on and left them at school and told them to go into the before school care room and stay there. They had no lunch etc so he got a bill for canteen and before school care.

This is just shitty behaviour- surely you were already doing a wash and prepareing lunch for your own kids?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 22/08/2023 08:34

Well? Why wouldn’t they want to live with you (their Dad, half/step-sibling and step-mum)?

seems like you get the fun, don’t have to deal with discipline, enforcing chores, home work, responsibility and the mother gets stuck with all these bits.

if I was her? I probably wouldn’t mind switching the roles around, getting to be the fun parent…!!

Dee9409 · 22/08/2023 08:35

Sorry but I couldn’t function at work knowing that these kids have been sent into school with old uniform from the week before that is sickening and awful, who does that? I mean it’s not your responsibility but why can’t you let your DH know to pop the uniform through the wash on a Friday night. It’s not like you don’t know about what kids require as a basic human right- clean clothes, you have your own, don’t know how you sleep at night. That is a clear sign of child neglect at school. I am surprised they haven’t phoned home to check what’s been happening. Just awful and sad.

Fairydustxox · 22/08/2023 08:35

From my experience I would say don't do it. I had a bond with my step kids until they moved in full time and it was HARD.
I left the parenting to him but I did all the washing cleaning looking after them while he worked late, tried to deal with issues with his child that weren't so apparent before they moved in. If you're unsure I would say don't do it

smilesup · 22/08/2023 08:36

Goldbar · 22/08/2023 05:25

I would tell him that he cannot have the kids full-time because, from what you've written, you'll end up reporting him to social services for neglect.

Social services won't be notified over this! Jesus I have had to beg them to get involved with serious neglect (child not eating anything, no bed, etc) and abuse (sexual abuse disclosed no action for weeks).

GabriellaMontez · 22/08/2023 08:36

How old are they?

You should make your feelings very clear now.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 22/08/2023 08:38

thereisnotachance · 22/08/2023 08:33

This is where the 'fun house' approach falls apart. If they live with you full time (or mostly) they need structure/boundaries/practical hands on support - the things that can be let slip on a weekend but day in day out need to be regulated. If you know their dad won't step up and you refuse to do it then I don't see how this can work.

I'm surprised the mother is contemplating this.

I would have guessed that this is why the mother is contemplating it/agreeing with it.

right now she’s stuck with all the serious, gritty bits of parenting whilst her ex and OP get to be the fun house.

50/50 would mean that the father actually shares some of the serious work. But will still give her enough time with her kids / access etc. to check whether he’s actually doing it (or neglecting them).

GabriellaMontez · 22/08/2023 08:38

Wenfy · 22/08/2023 06:10

This is neglect and if you will lose your kids too if they live with you f/t and the school reports to social services - regardless of how you much you spell out that you aren’t involved.

Show quote history

Several levels of bullshit here. Why do people make stuff up like this?

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 08:40

Everyone saying “surely op was already doing a wash” - well, not necessarily, laundry may be the DH’s job in their house. Or it may be that a wash was done on Thursday which left enough clothes for the residents of the house. The issue here is that the kids, presumably, don’t have spare uniform at the house (up to DH to buy some, perhaps) and thus presumably arrive on Friday in one school shirt and put the same one in on Monday.

grumpycow1 · 22/08/2023 08:40

Why would you not have just washed their dirty uniforms while you were washing everything else? Literally takes 2 extra minutes. Sounds like it will be a REALLY bad idea for them to go 50/50 if you already begrudge doing normal stuff while they are with you.

Ragwort · 22/08/2023 08:41

I don't know how you can love and respect a man who treats his DC like this, I agree you don't need to be a martyr but just living with a man and sharing his bed who can't even ensure his DC have clean clothes and a packed lunch would be seriously off putting. Sounds like a totally dysfunctional household and as usual, it's the SC who suffer. I am a SC myself but am so grateful that I was never treated any differently to my half siblings.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 08:41

grumpycow1 · 22/08/2023 08:40

Why would you not have just washed their dirty uniforms while you were washing everything else? Literally takes 2 extra minutes. Sounds like it will be a REALLY bad idea for them to go 50/50 if you already begrudge doing normal stuff while they are with you.

Why would DH not have washed their dirty uniforms when he was doing the Saturday laundry as part of a fair split of weekend tasks?

Fixed that for ya.

Spreadbed · 22/08/2023 08:43

I do get what you are saying but I just don’t understand why you got involved with a man with kids if this was your attitude. What if their mother dies - will you do this full time when there’s no other choice? It’s not their fault their dad is useless.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 08:43

If she "just does it" he will take that as the green light to leave everything to her and she will end up responsible for two more kids. People need to stop downplaying it, it's a huge deal.

YANBU, but you need to be very blunt with him. "I will not be looking after them for you so you will need to completely work your job around them if you want to facilitate this".

TakeNoNoticeoftheNoise · 22/08/2023 08:43

The fun house analogy is so far from the truth. As a step mother who had SK's EOW I can say there was nothing fun about it!

I have friends and due to our ages we have a real mix of blended families and step parenting stories. Without exception, not a single one of them enjoys being a step parent.

TakeNoNoticeoftheNoise · 22/08/2023 08:43

Spreadbed · 22/08/2023 08:43

I do get what you are saying but I just don’t understand why you got involved with a man with kids if this was your attitude. What if their mother dies - will you do this full time when there’s no other choice? It’s not their fault their dad is useless.

Step mum bingo - I call line!

Tourist29 · 22/08/2023 08:43

Does your own child go to their father for the weekend? Not mentioned so I presume not and they feel secure and equal to their half sibling. The step siblings aren’t treated equally. Fun house is a complete misnomer - I hope they stay with their mum.

WhamBamThankU · 22/08/2023 08:43

You knew he had kids when you got together, so to purposefully exclude making them lunches or washing their clothes at the same time you do your own DCs I just can't get my head round. Do you wash your husbands clothes or do you all do a separate wash? 🥴

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