Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

I think you definitely need to be involved here.

Make it clear you love the kids, but won't be taking over the increased parenting or housework load etc. and how are they going to manage the evenings when your DH isn't home.

Please be honest about your concerns now, OP, or you could end up in a very difficult situation.

If your DH works late, how is he planning to parent his children during the day, for example? How will they get to/from school, clubs, hobbies, childcare during school holidays, etc.?

All this needs to be discussed now before it’s unceremoniously dumped on you…because it easily could be.
Yes, you’re their SM and you care about them, but their parents are ultimately responsible for them, not you.

Thanks. I have asked them how it’s going to work but was fobbed off with oh we will work it out. The thing is I won’t do it, and the kids will miss out. Then I will be the bad guy. I think I will just spell it out.

Tell him that you will not be stepping up. Tell him that this means he will have to continually take time off work to attend school things, look after sick kids, dr & dentist appointments. Spell it all out. You are parenting your two, but not his. You won’t be ferrying them to part time jobs, etc, etc

Tell your dh bluntly, that he will need to reduce his working hours if he is serious.

If he wants his dcs to live with him full time, he will be doing their washing, ironing, parenting, taking them to clubs and friends, helping them with homework, cleaning and tidying up after them. Organising school holidays and managing Christmases and birthdays. That's in addition to doing his share with your shared children.

You don't say what their mum's attitude is to their planned change of residence, but I suggest you get her involved, as only she can explain how much time these children actually take up.

Does she still do school run? Do they need chasing over homework. Will your dh need to cook and shop for them? Do they need ferrying to clubs?

You could have a trial run. Have them to stay for a week. Leave everything, and I mean EVERYTHING to your dh. If possible leave him with yours as well, and go and stay with your parents or a friend. 🙂

Watching with huge interest as I feel I'm. Being backed into a corner with this too

The kids still need a lot of driving around. Their mum doesn’t want them here full time, but is happy with 50/50. I sent them both a message saying I am happy to go with go with what ever they decide, but they need to consider how it’s going to work without my involvement.
I think a trial is a good idea.

I already leave everything for DH when the kids are here. They often go to school on a Monday in the dirty uniform they came here in on the Friday. DH used to just leave for work at Monday and just assume I was going to get the step kids ready and take them to school. I told them to put the uniform on and left them at school and told them to go into the before school care room and stay there. They had no lunch etc so he got a bill for canteen and before school care.

Is your DH any better at parenting your shared child? He sounds useless from what you've just written. He absolutely cannot have his older kids 50:50 unless he reduces his hours.

I would tell him that he cannot have the kids full-time because, from what you've written, you'll end up reporting him to social services for neglect.

maybe the compromise could be having them each weekend? It’s good you’ve asked them how it will work without your involvement.

They would be hugely unreasonable to go ahead with any plans to move the kids in without your total buy in but it does strike me as strange that you don’t parent them at all - does your DH help to parent your child day to day? If you choose a partner with children surely you accept some level of parental responsibility for those children?
Why weren’t their uniforms thrown in the wash with the rest of the household laundry over the weekend? It sounds like your home has too much of a fun house/Disney dad mentality hence why things like uniform and lunches are missed.

Why weren’t their uniforms thrown in the wash with the rest of the household laundry over the weekend?

By who? The laundry fairy?

I feel sorry for their mum here, who you say is the reason why the kids are so lovely. She’s clearly done a good job at raising them so why do they suddenly want to stay at your house full time? Is it because they think the ‘fun’ house will be fun all of the time with less boundaries?

Perhaps either ‘parent’ in this situation, they have a blended family - surely between Friday and Monday it wouldn’t be too much trouble for someone to throw a wash on?

Is your DH equally as useless with the two children that live with you already?

Your husband will need to look after his children, end of.

However, you know he doesn’t. How can you be with a man like that. Do you not find him completely repulsive? I understand you not wanting to parent his children, but I would go a step further and I wouldn’t want any part of such a man awful man. Poor kids and their poor mum.

The kids don’t get to decide.
And letting the nonresident parent, which the DM will become, decide is ludicrous and more so if you have no say.

Whatever happens, the kids shouldn't be pawns in the game. Sending them to school in dirty clothes and with no lunch to prove a point?

It's lovely they want to spend more time with their dad but yes he would need to adjust his hours or pay for childcare if you do not want to increase your parenting of them. Maybe they could do a couple of nights a week in the week and he works a shorter day those days and they go to school club? I cant massively see the benefit to the kids if they will barely see their dad.

And I would be absolutely clear about not taking on the extra responsibility.

I am in shock that any adult would drop off step kids in dirty school uniforms without a lunch on a Monday morning.
By all means, have the biggest of arguments with your DH but I couldn’t leave them to tell the teacher no-one made a lunch while sitting in a dirty uniform. How did they feel about it?
Sorry but the kids can’t come to you both without a drop in their care standards. You’re not able or prepared to parent them which is your choice and your DH isn’t stepping up either. They’re better as they are.

The problem with relationships like this is you'd rather punish the kids than have an actual honest and frank conversation with your partner.

This is neglect and if you will lose your kids too if they live with you f/t and the school reports to social services - regardless of how you much you spell out that you aren’t involved.

How is the relationship between your children and their step siblings? And how old are the step siblings, OP? If the children are going to be living with you 50/50, I don't see how you can carry on with simply not parenting them.

If they were to live with you 50/50, and you were to insist on continuing with the "I don't parent them approach," then moving forward this would surely be a disaster.

As a family, can you afford for your DH to reduce his hours as a few posters have suggested?

What is your DH's parenting approach towards your shared child, and your DC from a previous relationship?

Then their mum (who it seems is the only adult in their lives who actually cares) won’t have any fun time with them at all. This is OP and her DH’s problem to solve - what they’re currently doing is neglect