Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

Comments ref social services are just silly. They wouldn't give a stuff.

OP is it possible you could take on more of a parent role if your partner gave more to support you. For example - homework and consequences re homework not being done are his responsibility. I don't think it's fair that you have to do it all without him doing more also. I do feel sorry for the kids. There may be good reason they want to be with you more than just funtime Frankie. Their dad absolutely has to do more to help.

My child has a stepmum so I'm trying not to just jump on you for not treating them the same. In reality you won't and that's real life I guess, but I find it really sad you can't find a bit more love and care to be interested in their lives and outcomes. Maybe this is partly resentment towards your partner for unrealistic expectations he puts on you? You need to talk to him about that in general when it comes to parenting his kids

This is indeed what people would do that are being coerced by relatives or strangers

Coerced as in physically threatening?

Apologies commented above on wrong thread!

@SheilaFentiman the dad could of washed the clothes.. the smum could of washed the clothes. The mum.is treating the dsc different as I doubt her own 2 children has dirty clothes. I must of been a caring step mum. Mine dss came to stay for a weekend after a row with his mum, and left 7 years later, when he moved into a house with his mates.

I agree with this. The children should not be deciding where they live (especially as this seems to be based on a weekend every second week where they aren't expected to eat their vegetables or do their homework etc).

OP's DH is a poor parent. Clearly he does none of the actual boring parenting for his child with the OP either. He has 2 women actually rearing his children for him and his children thinking he is great. And loads of women on MN blaming the latest woman for not doing enough for his children. I often wonder what it would be like to be a man. It is like an alternative universe

You need to be crystal clear with your partner, and with the kids Mum. You only signed up to actively parent your own two children, and to hands off step-parent their two children every other weekend. You have not, and do not, and will not sign up to actively parent all four children full time.

When mine moved in I was the one who essentially became mum and did everything for them along with my own. Did I resent it? Nope! Do I think back now and think that was mental…yes I do! However, I don’t get the washing of clothes and making a couple of pack lunches being an issue.
if this happens, which it sounds like 50/50 will then you’ll all have to adjust - make that VERY clear to them all, Oh & all kids. They live there, they help clear up dinner, they keep their rooms tidy, they adjust. It’s no longer a “visit” it’s a live at home and rules will be in place, things like bedtimes etc too. Set every rule you want for everyone and stick to them! Oh, well he has to adjust his work to accommodate the clubs they attend, come home and make lunches with them etc.

we had rules and for the most part they were listened too but the school runs, the washing, the mundane mum life was left to me and I don’t think it’s right!! With two other kids at home then everyone adjusts but more so your oh who must step up for ALL of you in the home! He could take charge of lunches for all for example whether that’s make them or pay them all, take that off your brain.
good luck with your quest to get things running like clockwork but without you having to do it all!

Your DH needs to step up for sure. But I find it really sad to think that you and your DH have not bothered to have a chat about kids uniforms and lunches and decide who would be in charge on a regular basis. After all, surely all the kids in the household need washed and ironed clothes for school and either a packed lunch or lunch money in their parent pay school account. You are a family, does your DH treat your DC different from your shared DC? I think chores have to be divided between adults and older kids in the family. This your kid/my kid stuff is ridiculous! Why marry someone with kids if you can’t treat their kids like your own!

But you for your Stepkids dad to be a full time dad to your kid, how would you feel, if he decided, he doesn't want your kid there anymore double standards.

What a lovely step mum you obviously are. The children are very lucky. I suspect however that the relationship would(have to) change if it became a permanent situation. You need to speak up ...now.

When I read threads like this I realise how lucky I am with DP. He treats DD like his own. I find these kind of threads a real eye-opener as to how so many step-children are treated so differently to their siblings. It does pose the question whether blended families actually work on the whole.

OP sounds a bit like Mark from Peep Show: "I'll send the other kids to school dirty...so I WIN!!"

The kids mother needs to be supported better, she is the one doing the lion share of the work into parenting, and it sounds like ‘Disney Dad’ is undermining her by making his time all fun - which makes the Mum look like ‘bad cop’.

Of course it’s never going to work the kids living there more, of course the OP will turn into ‘mum’ and the kids will resent that, its’ what they moved to get away from, and their Dad will just stand back and do same as to his Ex, remain detached and ‘fun’ which means - he won’t actually parent them.

Put your foot down asap and stand up for yourself! Otherwise you will be the doormat for his kids while they both decide what you are doing!

Here Here!!
surely when they put on a load of their own washing they can chuck in the children’s uniform!

OP isn't not doing the step kids washing.
She's not doing any washing over the weekend, not picking theirs out the basket and only washing for her own kids.
It's been explained repeatedly.

Yes, this.

Been here done that, it didnt work, sadly fun house was worse than living with mum it was awful, ex was hell, turning up at the door every time i tried to parent, ended up with you cant tell me what to do your not my mum ect, it actually split our marriage up, be very very careful.

Why did you get together with a man who already had kids?

This seems odd to me. Surely you don’t separate SC’s washing from the other kids etc. plus Op’s own child from another partner lives with them - presumably DH doesn’t treat the two that live with him differently?

But surely whoever does packed lunch for the other two would do theirs? And wash their uniforms! How would you feel if DH made your shared child a packed lunch but sent your own DC without one.
They are less important to you that your other two children but do you need to make it quite so obvious to them?
I REALLY hope that they stay with their mother.

If they come. Get an Alexa, and set up up with reminders for your DH. You can set weekly, so every Friday 7pm, washing. Saturday midday - reminder for washing. Sunday evening - ironing (if you bother, I don’t now). Monday morning - make packed lunch (and Sunday 2pm, packed lunch items!). I must admit I use a lot of reminder, not for basic stuff like this; but to remind me to do stuff. No way should you do it

Oh behave! OP no it doesn't sound like that at all. The dad is responsible for HIS kids and HE isn't washing their clothes and looking after them so HIS kids go to school in dirty clothes...which btw won't kill them or concern social services one little bit.
U know if u don't act now, u will be left doing everything by default.
I'd insist DH actually does the work part of raising his kids during the time they are currently with you all, before u will consider extending the time.
Ur right to be worried. Red flags!

RTFT.

You need to say no. Tell them you are not willing to put yourself or the children in that situation. Use your words.