Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

Ah, so it’s her fault he’s a lazy git and only does the fun stuff - because she’s ‘allowed’ him to !! The OP has already made it very clear what the situation is, and instead of answering the question she’s asked, once again it’s a critique of her parenting skills - and this time to his children, ignoring the fact that he can’t be arsed with anything that isn’t entertaining.

Single mums are expected to manage work around their kids. Why shouldn't dad's?

What else can he do for when he's working long hours? He needs to arrange care apparently -- that is what a single mum who worked long hours would do. They very often hire a nanny. What is your suggestion? He should quit his job?

This. And to all those posters saying ‘those poor kids’ - they’re so neglected that they’ve actually asked to be with the OP and their dad more than they are now !!

@AaaaaandBreathe if she was putting a wash on anyway perhaps she would. But if you have two people at home of a weekend, one of whose responsibility it is to make sure their children have clean clothes, why would the other person in that scenario take it upon themselves to do it? I would more than happily put a quick wash on if DH asked me to, for whatever reason. I'd peg out, I'd tumble, I'd iron. But I wouldn't take on the mental task of identifying whether one was specifically needed, be it for his work clothes, or SDCs uniform or whatever. That's on him. I do the washing when there's a load there, in the laundry basket, ready to do. Usually weekdays so I don't spend my precious weekend time doing it. Anything anyone wants me to do outside of that, they ask.

And there we have it right there, proving my point yet again.
Thin end of the wedge. If she "just" does this and "just" does that, then "just" does all the related bits and bobs to the thing she "just" did, before you know it she's the proverbial boiled frog.
No she isn't a skivvy now, because she refused to be one. But she also doesn't want the children to miss out if they move in. There Dad CBA to put a wash on for them now so it's not such a leap of logic to guess that he won't be doing it if they move in, either.
I'd say this guy wasn't cut out to be a Dad and probably chose the wrong woman if he wanted someone to uncomplaining pick up all of his slack. And even if he did have a wife/employee like that, it would still be poor kids as their own dad can't be bothered to actually parent them.

Yes because no one is disciplining them, making them do their homework, eat vegetables, read books or do their sports activities when their SM doesn't want to take them (I know some kids who would love this).

This would get old fast, especially the not doing their homework, if they lived their full-time.

If they move in he will be receiving instead of paying child maintenance, plus child benefit, so maybe he can drop his hours back to be with the kids?

No, of course he shouldn’t quit his job. But he shouldn’t be negotiating his children spending more time with himself and the OP if his long hours mean that more of the burden falls on her - and certainly not without involving the OP in the negotiations. Having ‘fun’ every other weekend isn’t the same as 50/50 shared care and involves both the OP and her DH being up for it. If one of them isn’t it won’t work.

Sure, but does anyone think he'll actually do more if he's around more? He seems to be very selective about what he likes doing for his kids, much like the OP. It's a dysfunctional setup. Maybe counselling at this point to try and sort out roles and responsibilities and really drive home to the DH that he can't just do the fun bits of parenting.

I think OP, you need to say to your DH that if you’re going to go from a 2-child household to a full-time 4-child household the current division of Labour won’t work for you so you need to sit
down and work out a new solution.

Some jobs it makes sense for one person to do for all everyone - washing, meal planning, cooking, household jobs, cleaning. Those need to split fairly equally between you and DH.

Some jobs can be split by days - school pick ups and drop offs, evening ferrying. You will need to see what flex you can each have from work to do this.

Some jobs can be split by child - buying birthday presents, watching their sports, going to school presentations, plays, Christmas assembly, parents evenings, helping with homework

Some jobs you both need to do for all kids - enforcing house rules, contributing to household expenses etc

Go through it all with him. See if you can get to a split you think is fair. It’s a mindset change for you too but the other options are he overrides you and you either do everything or step kids or will have to watch their dad neglect him, or you’re the mean bad SM who said he couldn’t see his kids more.

I know my stance makes me seem like I expect the OP to do everything but I don't. I really don't! He is rubbish.

But I do not understand people saying it's a huge mental load to think, maybe SC need clean uniform? Even if it's just saying to DH, 'have you got the uniforms sorted?' I really do not get it.

You know and expect your DH to ask you if he needed something, that's how it should be. Her DH is not bothered and she's aware of it. She hasn't forgotten that kids need clean clothes and meals, she is not bothered enough about them to care.

And that's my point. It should be him but he's not doing it. She wants to stay with him as he is so thinks this is ok. I mean, what?? It's literally something so basic and easy. Everyone has to pile on him (deservedly so) even when she does the same. It's supposed to be a family. If you don't care about other peoples kids then don't be in their lives. It's a disgusting thing to do to any child.

The fact she still wants to be with her DH when he's so awful says it all really. She only mentioned his shortcomings as another reason not to have them to live with her because she doesn't care. Probably never thought that there was a chance his own children would be full time in there lives, only her children.

And to PP, of course the kids want to live there. They are only there a few days a month so not much effort is required and they don't realise yet how little effort that is! No one has suggested they're being starved and beaten ffs.

But they will realise how differently they are treated and basic needs aren't met, believe me, especially if they go 50/50.

They are better off with their Mum as she is the only one with their best interests at heart.

Of course they want to live with you, you are the "fun house" but this doesn't exist when they there full time.
I do nothing for my step children either. I feed my own and don't make their dinner, I used too but they fussy and tbh cooking for 5 kids was just too much e especially as they don't eat what mine eat. They often don't eat til 8-9pm when their dad finally does it. Bed sheets don't get washed for months. I don't burden myself with their needs. They have a dad who is more than capable. I work full time and have 3 children of my own.
I appreciate your thoughts OP. I would absolutely make it clear that you will not do anything for them. If your partner thinks you will take on his children and do everything for them then he needs to realise he is mistaken. Why should your children's clubs all of a sudden stop. Absolutely, your step children have two parents who are more than capable. Stand your ground and be very clear with them both.

The kids might be having a great time at the eow fun dad house of course they are. That doesn't mean they know what's best for them.

Quite evidently the children are unable to see that this set up isn't normal. So I wouldn't be surprised that they can't tell what neglect is either. OP doesn't even seem to know and she's a grown adult so don't put that responsibility onto the kids.

But I do not understand people saying it's a huge mental load to think, maybe SC need clean uniform? Even if it's just saying to DH, 'have you got the uniforms sorted?' I really do not get it.

I don't recall anyone using the word 'huge'. They just pointed out that it's a mental load. Which it is.

And also that, as DH often refuses even a direct request to do something and says he'll do it later, then fails, it's not even a solution to the issue. What should happen if OP does start asking him to get the uniforms ready and then he doesn't?

And the fact you can't decorate the house by sticking up a few banners and blowing some balloons for SC in their other family home at their birthday is low. Honestly, of all the excuses 'I have 2 kids how could I ever possibly find the time'. Get a grip. IF you had 3 or 4 kids you'd manage it. You don't do it because you don't want to and they'll always remember it.

It’s not OPs job to facilitate her partners relationship with his kids. If he’s a shit, neglectful, terrible father and that somehow makes OP just as bad for ‘allowing it, then it also makes the kids mother just as bad for sending them, it’s not OPs job to parent so that he can still have them stay. Sounds like the kids should stop coming until this grown man can learn how to be a father.

I ask my family if they need anything washed. It has never stressed me. It's quickly shoving something in the washing machine then pressing a button. Taking out and hanging up even little kids can do, as can men of course but some won't. So don't be with them but don't be as bad as them.

If he doesn't do it after the first time and you refuse to ever do it then you speak to their Mum to explain that their basic needs aren't being met at that other house. That allows her to make the decision whether it's the best place for her DC to go. It's really that simple.

@Naunet didn't you learn the saying.... "If you stand by watching someone doing wrong doing you are just as bad". I'm not sure why posters can't see OP is in the wrong for standing by she is conding this herself as a mother. This thread is truly bonkers.

I have heard it but I don't agree with it. The person doing the bad thing is definitely worse.

She said it happens regularly

Your way of doing things is irrelevant, as are your stress levels. OP doesn't do washing at weekend generally, because it doesn't work for her. That means her taking on the task of reminding DH is mental load. There really isn't any way round that.

So just to clarify then, you think the solution is OP taking on the mental load, then when DH fails they should what, go into school in the dirty clothes again at least once and possibly indefinitely depending on how their mother reacts? Careful, you'll have the neglect brigade bearing down on you!

No, I personally think she should wash them if he refuses the first time so they are still clean.

Then tell the Mum that neither are prepared to keep them clean going forward who will, if she's any decent parent at all, refuse to let them stay over until there is a responsible adult looking after them.

If none of the three of them care then yeah, the poor kids have significantly bigger problems!

All this mental load stuff is ridiculous for one 30 min wash. God knows what you all do if your child accidentally spills something on a light outfit and you have to stick it straight in the wash so it doesn't stain and it's on a Saturday or Sunday when no washing is allowed.

The fact they are with their father and step-mother for 6 days a month and a wash can’t be put on whilst they’re there is really poor. It sounds like they finish school Friday and return to their Mum’s house on Monday in the same clothes from 3 days previously and none of their clothing washed.