Page 37 | Step kids want to live with us full time.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 2023-08-22T01:30:32+00:00

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together. Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them. I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them. Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me. The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

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Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 21:12

There's a few people who are insisting on straw man arguments.

I don't think anyone is a cheerleader for the dad.

I don't think, given the OP's posts, that anyone thinks the OP should agree to having the kids full time.

We just feel bad for the stepkids and think no one is looking out for them. There's really nothing to argue about here.

sidesplittinglol · 22/08/2023 21:15

CurlewKate · 22/08/2023 06:02

Whatever happens, the kids shouldn't be pawns in the game. Sending them to school in dirty clothes and with no lunch to prove a point?

I agree.

I get where you're coming from op but you don't sound very caring.

Does DH help parent and care for your child that's not his? If he did this to them, how would you feel/think?

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/08/2023 21:19

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 20:16

Why are you deliberately refusing to acknowledge that it's not just one 30 minute wash?
Is that all it takes to look after your children? "Just" is never the end of it. Look at everything OP currently does and is dismissed as nothing more than a neighbour would do for any random child.
To answer your question, washing is "allowed" any day (another weird comment) but it's not part of OPs plans or routine at the weekend, in common with many other posters.

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Because it takes 30 mins to make sure they have clean school clothes twice a month? As I've already said, if your child got dirty and you had to wash something so it didn't stain, would you not bother because it wasn't part of your routine?

You refuse to acknowledge the point I'm trying to make, which is if she thinks such a basic thing is too much to do for children then step parent isn't the right word. Nor is the children living with them in their best interests when neither can be arsed doing something so little. She barely does anything else for them so no idea why you think she'd be raising all 4 children on her own when she refuses to do more as much as the minimum right now.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/08/2023 21:26

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/08/2023 21:19

Because it takes 30 mins to make sure they have clean school clothes twice a month? As I've already said, if your child got dirty and you had to wash something so it didn't stain, would you not bother because it wasn't part of your routine?

You refuse to acknowledge the point I'm trying to make, which is if she thinks such a basic thing is too much to do for children then step parent isn't the right word. Nor is the children living with them in their best interests when neither can be arsed doing something so little. She barely does anything else for them so no idea why you think she'd be raising all 4 children on her own when she refuses to do more as much as the minimum right now.

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It’s not just 30 minutes as an isolated thing. It’s 30 minutes on top of: full-time work; then for the stepchildren, feeding them, reminding them to do homework, helping them if asked, picking them up on Fridays, dropping them off on Mondays, taking them to places such as sports, sometimes but not always staying to watch, and reminding her DH that washing needs doing and their lunch needs making (all of which is more than the minimum); plus for her own children, all the sport, running around, homework, reading, all the “boring bits” her DH doesn’t do. Of the two of them each weekend, the one who doesn’t do all the boring bits likely has more time and bandwidth to throw on a wash.

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 21:28

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/08/2023 21:19

Because it takes 30 mins to make sure they have clean school clothes twice a month? As I've already said, if your child got dirty and you had to wash something so it didn't stain, would you not bother because it wasn't part of your routine?

You refuse to acknowledge the point I'm trying to make, which is if she thinks such a basic thing is too much to do for children then step parent isn't the right word. Nor is the children living with them in their best interests when neither can be arsed doing something so little. She barely does anything else for them so no idea why you think she'd be raising all 4 children on her own when she refuses to do more as much as the minimum right now.

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I think OP was pretty clear at the start that she doesn't want to parent the children, in fact she credits her good relationship with the kids to the lack of parenting. Step parent isn't always the word, no.
I hav been known to put emergency washes on over the weekend, yes, but never have I ever gone into DSDs room to pick through the piles on her floor to determine what needs washed. Whatevers in the basket on Friday night gets washed, regardless of who it belongs to. After that, I'm not interested. So now you know.
OP has also said that the reason she thinks it will all fall to her is that her DB is useless currently and also isn't around much during the week. Many people on here seem to agree that it should fall to her, by virtue of being the nearest adult. He's made his position pretty clear, too.

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 21:32

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/08/2023 21:26

It’s not just 30 minutes as an isolated thing. It’s 30 minutes on top of: full-time work; then for the stepchildren, feeding them, reminding them to do homework, helping them if asked, picking them up on Fridays, dropping them off on Mondays, taking them to places such as sports, sometimes but not always staying to watch, and reminding her DH that washing needs doing and their lunch needs making (all of which is more than the minimum); plus for her own children, all the sport, running around, homework, reading, all the “boring bits” her DH doesn’t do. Of the two of them each weekend, the one who doesn’t do all the boring bits likely has more time and bandwidth to throw on a wash.

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But everything OP is currently doing for the kids is nothing, apparently.
This is honestly the attitude that makes it so important for SMs to have strong boundaries. You can never do enough and you can never do it right, so you might as well just focus on sorting yourself and your kids and leave the rest of them to it.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 21:36

If the DH gave proper respect to the work
Of parenting, there’s no way he would be encouraging the kids to increase their time at his place, without thinking about who was going to do what when. He would not want the parenting to happen by someone (OP) who doesn’t want to do it as she has enough going on.

The very fact he is giving it an airy “oh, it’ll work out” means he does not respect parenting and should not have the kids any more time than he already does, regardless of whether OP was a millionaire hedge fund manager or a SAHM.

funinthesun19 · 22/08/2023 21:48

The kids shouldn’t be allowed to pick where they want to live based on which house is more fun.

Of course the dad is more than willing. He gets to play amazing parent while doing fuck all for them. plus won’t have to pay maintenance anymore, plus has a potential live in nanny and maid. And he’ll get all the credit for everything. The mum is the boring parent who enforces rules who the kids don’t want to be with and the dad is the laid back cool one who can’t even be arsed doing a laundry wash for them.

The women lose again.

Yuck.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 22/08/2023 22:31

It's not about putting a wash on, it's the PRINCIPLE 🙄

uneffingbelievable · 22/08/2023 23:17

50/50 trial definitely seems the right first step.

Allows them t realise that the "fun" house isn't fun when homework needs to be done and the drudge of the week is the same here as with mum.

Good that the parents are talking but if your DH is as useless as he seems - the DCs will get tired of dirty clothes especailly if one is a girl and heading to teenage years.

I think you need to stick to your guns and have a trial in term time and see what happens. REality may make them realise what Mum does for them!

Good Luck

LadyBird1973 · 22/08/2023 23:47

I think 50/50 will result in the kids doing no homework at dad's, then mum frantically trying to get it all done during her time.

The best thing OP and her dh could do for these kids is to tell them that mummy does a better job of looking after them and they are going to stay there ! Children shouldn't be choosing where they live anyway, certainly not on the basis that one house is more fun than the other. Parents should decide where the children live, in the basis of who can care for them the best. It clearly isn't their father so they should be the end of it!

Rainbowqueeen · 23/08/2023 09:14

I would not agree to a 50-50 trial. The trial should be your DH parenting properly during the current contact time. A trial of 50-50is doomed to fail and puts immense pressure and guilt on the DC when it fails. That’s not fair on them.

Mrsjayy · 23/08/2023 09:20

Rainbowqueeen · 23/08/2023 09:14

I would not agree to a 50-50 trial. The trial should be your DH parenting properly during the current contact time. A trial of 50-50is doomed to fail and puts immense pressure and guilt on the DC when it fails. That’s not fair on them.

I mean this, imagine the kids disappointment and hurt when it doesn't work out because their mum will be the bad guy when she puts her foot down and says that's enough .

Uptoyou34 · 23/08/2023 10:25

Why do people think that if you get involved with someone who has kids, you take on some of the parenting role? It's madness. The DSC, 99% of the time have 2 parents to do that. The only issue here is with the Dad, he needs to step up.

I didn't have kids when I met my DP, still don't but have a DSD 10. He is the one who does school runs, books her into breakfast club if need be before school, packs her school lunches, makes sure she does her homework, calls her up on manners etc and make sure her school uniform is ready for Monday. These are not things that are on my mind when we have DSD because my DP is a good Dad.

Sure, I ask him what things to add for the food shop (he transfers me money), sure I help with what clothes to buys her (to ensure she isn't dressed head to toe in Marvel! ) and sure if I'm doing a wash I pick up everything in the wash bin and that may include DSD's clothes, but I'm not actively looking for them or thinking 'oh I must do a wash ready for school on Monday'.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 23/08/2023 11:01

I have two close friends who are SMs. One was very clear from the beginning that she wanted nothing to do with her SDC. She told her DH and she told their DM. She had a very clear boundary from the beginning. The other treats her SDC the same way she treats her own DC.
OP has always had a choice. But expecting her DH to communicate the lack of care the SDC receive in his house is not dealing with the reality of who her DH is. OP doesn't need to do anything for the SDC except be honest to their DM about the lack of care and prioritisation they do, and will, receive when they are at their DF's. If their DM also doesn't care that they are receiving substandard care at their DF's, then OP has a choice about reporting to safeguarding lead at the SDC's school. But as I pointed out previously, that will be awkward for OP to explain that her DC and her joint DC with her DH receive a completely different standard of care from the SDC.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/08/2023 12:15

@Uptoyou34 - that sounds like a good set-up - good communication between you and your dh, and he is being a proper parent, not an oblivious Disney dad like the OP's dh.

Honeychickpea · 23/08/2023 15:07

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 23/08/2023 11:01

I have two close friends who are SMs. One was very clear from the beginning that she wanted nothing to do with her SDC. She told her DH and she told their DM. She had a very clear boundary from the beginning. The other treats her SDC the same way she treats her own DC.
OP has always had a choice. But expecting her DH to communicate the lack of care the SDC receive in his house is not dealing with the reality of who her DH is. OP doesn't need to do anything for the SDC except be honest to their DM about the lack of care and prioritisation they do, and will, receive when they are at their DF's. If their DM also doesn't care that they are receiving substandard care at their DF's, then OP has a choice about reporting to safeguarding lead at the SDC's school. But as I pointed out previously, that will be awkward for OP to explain that her DC and her joint DC with her DH receive a completely different standard of care from the SDC.

I suspect that their mother doesn't give much of a rat's either.

SeahorsesRock · 23/08/2023 18:03

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 22/08/2023 05:19

I already leave everything for DH when the kids are here. They often go to school on a Monday in the dirty uniform they came here in on the Friday. DH used to just leave for work at Monday and just assume I was going to get the step kids ready and take them to school. I told them to put the uniform on and left them at school and told them to go into the before school care room and stay there. They had no lunch etc so he got a bill for canteen and before school care.

I wouldnt have the heart to leave any child step or otherwise especially ones that I am meant to "care about" in school in dirty uniforms with no lunch.just to prove the point that it isnt my job to look after them. Surely if you dont want to be lumbered with other peoples offspring you shouldn't start the relationships in the first place.

Notreallyhappy · 23/08/2023 18:36

Surely when anyone gets into blended family territory, all children are treated equal. My son is equal to my dss to me and visa versa with my dh.. my ds doesn't see his biological father for the very reason, he was treated as an extra by his step mother against him from day 1 and all for her dd..

SheilaFentiman · 23/08/2023 18:44

Notreallyhappy · 23/08/2023 18:36

Surely when anyone gets into blended family territory, all children are treated equal. My son is equal to my dss to me and visa versa with my dh.. my ds doesn't see his biological father for the very reason, he was treated as an extra by his step mother against him from day 1 and all for her dd..

Well, the DH is treating all the children equally by not doing laundry for any of them. Is that what you meant?

Snowpaw · 23/08/2023 18:46

I have a school mum friend who essentially is what you might become. She strikes me as an extremely frazzled, stressed out person and most of our conversations involve her venting and ranting at me about how angry she is with her DH because of XYZ thing that he has done that has left her in the lurch with his children (they have 2 kids together and 2 older kids of his). E.g. he would go to work with the kids' car seats in his car, so she had no way of getting all 4 children to school and they would be late as a result. Or he would go off on holiday with his mates for long weekends without a thought for her. Or he would just feed the kids sweets and not do any housework if she went out, so everything is still left for her if she takes some "me time" etc. Her life sounds very stressful and I am always thankful I don't have that set up when I go back to my home!!

Mrsgreen100 · 23/08/2023 18:51

What on earth are you thinking , how can you have them to live with you and treat them differently, unless you are prepared to treat all the children with the same love and care and rules
it’s not fair
how to mess up kids from an already broken home
completely irresponsible as a parent and and adult

Quitelikeit · 23/08/2023 19:05

I’ve read all ops posts. It’s concerning that their father doesn’t see the merit in washing their school uniform!

This has got disaster written all over it

Pres11 · 23/08/2023 19:09

Wow, so you will wash your child’s uniform / clothes but not theirs?! That’s just horrible. They can’t exactly do it for themselves. Yes your husband should do it but i wouldn’t let any bodies child that was staying at my home not go to school on a Monday with clean uniform!

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 23/08/2023 19:09

TBH as a stepmum I am quite shocked!

surely when you take on a partner with children you work together so that the children have lots of great influence in their lives and learn so much form the involvement of more people. it takes a village….

I am clear with my SS that I am not him mum, I am his stepmum and I love him dearly and I would do anything for him in my power, but he has two loving parents, just like as sure his stepdad is with him, but I know that both his stepdad and I are involved in washing for him, cooking for him, parenting him, enjoying spending time with him doing fun stuff and generally involved in his upbringing.

I doubt he will ever live with us as he feels happy and secure at mums even though he has the same arrangement with us as this situation and more time in the holidays, but he will certainly be able to come and go as he pleases as he gets older I am sure.

By all means if you have no interest then spell that out to mum and dad and I totally understand telling dad that he needs to do what’s necessary when parenting them, but I just can’t get my head around not chucking their stuff in the wash and things….