Page 36 | Step kids want to live with us full time.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 2023-08-22T01:30:32+00:00

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together. Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them. I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them. Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me. The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

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Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 20:10

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 19:50

I have heard it but I don't agree with it. The person doing the bad thing is definitely worse.

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Watching is bad as well. Sounds like there is no responsible adults living in the house they are all children.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 20:10

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 19:50

I have heard it but I don't agree with it. The person doing the bad thing is definitely worse.

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Watching is bad as well. Sounds like there is no responsible adults living in the house they are all children.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 22/08/2023 20:11

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/08/2023 20:05

No, I personally think she should wash them if he refuses the first time so they are still clean.

Then tell the Mum that neither are prepared to keep them clean going forward who will, if she's any decent parent at all, refuse to let them stay over until there is a responsible adult looking after them.

If none of the three of them care then yeah, the poor kids have significantly bigger problems!

All this mental load stuff is ridiculous for one 30 min wash. God knows what you all do if your child accidentally spills something on a light outfit and you have to stick it straight in the wash so it doesn't stain and it's on a Saturday or Sunday when no washing is allowed.

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Again, whether you think the way OP organises her washing is ridiculous or not does not matter. You place too much reliance on your personal feelings about washing. They're unimportant here.

Anyway, I'm glad you've spelled out that you think OP should do it. I suspected as much. You've no idea what their DM will think either. So let's say she doesn't decide to refuse to allow the DC to stay over (and it's not her unilateral choice, incidentally, she has no more rights than their father). What then, does this become OPs job indefinitely?

Redpepperss · 22/08/2023 20:12

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 19:50

I have heard it but I don't agree with it. The person doing the bad thing is definitely worse.

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I said learn.... perhaps you should. This shit man is the same father to her own kid too. You and others are speaking as though it's not beneficial for her to give this man a good kick up the arse. What does OP gain from this man behaving like this?

Cauliflowersfloofy · 22/08/2023 20:13

He's not going to refuse outright though is he? He's going to go yeah yeah I'll do it later. And then not do it, so it's then 10pm on a Sunday and she ends up having to put a wash on specifically, and wait up for it to finish, and hang it up....

So in order to avoid that she has to push the issue earlier in the day, then keep an eye out to see if he's doing it, then intervene at a point early enough in the evening that it's not a total faff at bedtime. No thanks.

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 20:16

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/08/2023 20:05

No, I personally think she should wash them if he refuses the first time so they are still clean.

Then tell the Mum that neither are prepared to keep them clean going forward who will, if she's any decent parent at all, refuse to let them stay over until there is a responsible adult looking after them.

If none of the three of them care then yeah, the poor kids have significantly bigger problems!

All this mental load stuff is ridiculous for one 30 min wash. God knows what you all do if your child accidentally spills something on a light outfit and you have to stick it straight in the wash so it doesn't stain and it's on a Saturday or Sunday when no washing is allowed.

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Why are you deliberately refusing to acknowledge that it's not just one 30 minute wash?
Is that all it takes to look after your children? "Just" is never the end of it. Look at everything OP currently does and is dismissed as nothing more than a neighbour would do for any random child.
To answer your question, washing is "allowed" any day (another weird comment) but it's not part of OPs plans or routine at the weekend, in common with many other posters.

LadyBird1973 · 22/08/2023 20:17

@Louoby that's nasty. Shame on you both!

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 20:18

I said learn.... perhaps you should. This shit man is the same father to her own kid too. You and others are speaking as though it's not beneficial for her to give this man a good kick up the arse. What does OP gain from this man behaving like this?

I've repeatedly said she should give him a kick up the arse, actually. What I've said she shouldn't have to do is just do it for him if he doesn't listen.

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 20:20

This thread is making me think some people just look at a stepchild as a job that isn't theirs to do.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 20:21

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 20:20

This thread is making me think some people just look at a stepchild as a job that isn't theirs to do.

Well the nitty gritty of raising them is.

excelledyourself · 22/08/2023 20:22

You're right not to take it all on, OP.

But genuinely, how do men who can't look after their first children even manage to have any more? Was he always this way?

PinkCherryBlossoms · 22/08/2023 20:29

excelledyourself · 22/08/2023 20:22

You're right not to take it all on, OP.

But genuinely, how do men who can't look after their first children even manage to have any more? Was he always this way?

Yeah this sort of man would dry my fanny right up, frankly.

LadyBird1973 · 22/08/2023 20:30

@excelledyourself it seems the bar for men is very low. So many women seem to think it's okay to partner with someone who neglects their children's basic needs. In fact, it's so okay, that it doesn't deter them from having more babies with this gem of a man!
Mind, there are some callous women on here too.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 20:33

Flopsythebunny · 22/08/2023 19:53

She said it happens regularly

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Nope.

”The lunch and just being left at school early has only happened a couple of times”

Redpepperss · 22/08/2023 20:34

@PinkCherryBlossoms literally LOLing! I was thinking similar. Some comments are neither here or there arguing about what day of the week OP chooses to turn on the washer.

I don't even know how OP can even continue to lie down with a man like this it's a poor example she is setting to the first child she has who isn't the father to them.

excelledyourself · 22/08/2023 20:37

@SheilaFentiman

She also predicts this:

If they live here they will often not have their lunch packed or clean uniform.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 20:39

excelledyourself · 22/08/2023 20:37

@SheilaFentiman

She also predicts this:

If they live here they will often not have their lunch packed or clean uniform.

Well, yes - going on past experience!

Redpepperss · 22/08/2023 20:43

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NotNowGertrude · 22/08/2023 20:45

I don't understand how you could have a conversation about this, he's not changed his behaviour, yet you want to stay with him?

I couldn't find a man who behaves like this attractive, he's not partner or father material, just expects the women in his life to deal with it all

Crunchingleaf · 22/08/2023 20:50

On the other side I this my DH is not the father of my eldest DC. My eldest has two parents (DC and his father are not on speaking terms). DH is more like an uncle to DC than a parental figure.
We now have two more DC together. DH can and will step in as needed but it’s not his responsibility to keep track of everything to do with his stepson.
No one expects stepdads to be a skivvy for the step kids why should SM.
You can be kind, welcoming and be a really positive person in the childrens lives but the grunt work should be done by the parents.
Disney dads are pathetic. How did they manage before they met their now wives.

OP. Two extra children is a lot. Make it clear from the outset the extra work is for your DH and him only. Tell the ex this also. Your shared DC doesn’t have three parents to run around after them so the DSC will be fine without you driving them around. If your DH wants to step up and be a parent then fair play to him but I don’t think you’re wrong to set boundaries here.

excelledyourself · 22/08/2023 20:52

@SheilaFentiman I'm sorry, I'm not understanding.

You appear to minimising the lack of lunch by saying OP said it had only happened a couple of times.

I'm saying OP seems to know it will more likely a be regular occurrence if the kids are there 50/50.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 20:53

@excelledyourself probably because I was responding to a poster who claimed OP has said the lunch thing happened regularly.

HTH.

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/08/2023 21:00

PinkCherryBlossoms · 22/08/2023 20:11

Again, whether you think the way OP organises her washing is ridiculous or not does not matter. You place too much reliance on your personal feelings about washing. They're unimportant here.

Anyway, I'm glad you've spelled out that you think OP should do it. I suspected as much. You've no idea what their DM will think either. So let's say she doesn't decide to refuse to allow the DC to stay over (and it's not her unilateral choice, incidentally, she has no more rights than their father). What then, does this become OPs job indefinitely?

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It's not her unilateral choice only if a court decides it's not, both have parental responsibility but that's only enforced through court if she's the main carer unless he refuses to send them home. And if it came to that I think she'd have a strong argument why they shouldn't be allowed. The counter argument that the step mother would have a breakdown because an extra load of clothes twice a month because Dad is too lazy or busy working would strengthen that point.

Anyway, I get it. You don't like doing washing at the weekend and would refuse to do any for step children.

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 21:07

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/08/2023 21:00

It's not her unilateral choice only if a court decides it's not, both have parental responsibility but that's only enforced through court if she's the main carer unless he refuses to send them home. And if it came to that I think she'd have a strong argument why they shouldn't be allowed. The counter argument that the step mother would have a breakdown because an extra load of clothes twice a month because Dad is too lazy or busy working would strengthen that point.

Anyway, I get it. You don't like doing washing at the weekend and would refuse to do any for step children.

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A load of washing twice a month isn't going to cause a breakdown, chill out.

Suddenly doubling the number of children OP has to do all the thinking and planning and organising and feeding and cleaning and washing and running around for (when she only actually has parental authority over half of them, no less), along with her job, might just though.
The washing is an indicator of how it would go if the kids were 50/50 or full time. It's a give an inch and he'll take a mile scenario, and he's got plenty of cheerleaders on here to do just that.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 22/08/2023 21:07

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/08/2023 21:00

It's not her unilateral choice only if a court decides it's not, both have parental responsibility but that's only enforced through court if she's the main carer unless he refuses to send them home. And if it came to that I think she'd have a strong argument why they shouldn't be allowed. The counter argument that the step mother would have a breakdown because an extra load of clothes twice a month because Dad is too lazy or busy working would strengthen that point.

Anyway, I get it. You don't like doing washing at the weekend and would refuse to do any for step children.

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It's not her unilateral choice full stop. The rest of what you said was redundant, particularly because you still have no idea what their DM would think.

Interesting that you haven't told explained whether you think OP should take on the job permanently if their DM still wishes them to have overnight contact. Says a lot.