DSS moving in for 3 months

[Timeandthymeagain]

We are ex pats and live overseas. DSS's mum wants to take a job in another part of the country for 3 months so she can retrain and leave DSS with us. He can walk to and from school from his mum's and ours it's a 20 minute drive each way to a bus stop. This has literally been dropped on us, as she wants to move next month. My parents are coming to stay for 6 weeks during the time she wants and we've already got trips booked (during school days) that we'd need to cancel, or me hire a car and go alone with my parents and leave DH here. Plus we'd feel pretty guilty doing anything adult only and leaving DSS at home, but I've only seen my parents once since COVID when I managed to negotiate a 'work trip' to get my back to the uk for a week. DH is travelling with work during that time too, so I'd need to negotiate flexibility with work to get him to and from school, I'm not asking my parents to get a grumpy 15 year old out of bed at 7am or be at home by 4 to collect him. We are both happy to look at any other 3 month period this year. Just not her suggested dates. Is that fair?

Hire an au pair type person to live in for a week or housekeeper

It s just one werk put of 3 months
Use that time to teach him to feed himself too

One week out of

Who's lying the 100's of taxi fares for school?

She has decided to take him out of school, be Home schooled for 3 months because we won't accommodate her demands.

Do you mean she is going to homeschool him or expects you to?

How is this possibly in the best interests of DSS?

I’m amazed schools let parents even do this.

She is moving him interstate, meaning he can't be schooled in person.

I expect what’s happened is an amazing opportunity has come up. Mum wants to take it because she’s had to turn down everything over the last 15 years to look after her son because his dad has minimal input. His dad really should step up but doesn’t want to alter his life to accommodate his child. He needs to replan his trips, people with children have to do that all the time. He can pay out for taxis, live in nanny, it could be done. It’s a small amount of time in his sons life that he’s being asked to cover. It’s not up to you to sort it out. If he won’t then homeschooling is potentially the only option because he can’t change school for 3 months. I don’t know where you are, some countries have good provision for home school. It sounds like the boy May be struggling at school if he’s playing truant so perhaps he wants to home school?

@BungleandGeorge
Categorically this is not what happened.

@Timeandthymeagain that's totally throwing her rattle out of the pram and not putting him first at all....

She basically isn't budging, either she is taking him out of school or he is to come to us for 3 months. She is categorically not giving us any other options.

Is she proposing to take him out of school to go with her? I'd call her bluff if I were you. Isn't he at GCSE age? What parent would really do that?

I'm sorry, I don't see that this is parenting, or that you have to adjust everything you have planned for this. This isn't an emergency, in which case you'd change your plans. This is her making plans at the last minute you're expected to fall in with, that don't need to happen. I don't understand why you as the SM have to adjust everything and bend over, but she as the mother go gets to swan off last minute in a course that isn't a necessity. Bollocks to that. I would say no, as you have. And I don't see how anyone can say that's a selfish or unfair decision!

And if she wants to pull him out of school for three months, rather than complete the course, which she previously hasn't bothered completing in your home state, then that's on her. Not you. If she'd broached the idea with enough time to look into properly with you guys, the answer may have been different, but this is a last minute spring. She knew this had to be done, long before now. These course don't just 'happen' I'd stand firm and if she wants to pull her son out, so be it. That's on her.

I wanted to call her bluff, but she is already feeding the narrative that time and your GP's (my parents) don't want you there.

So? Why is that your problem @Timeandthymeagain? You have plans. Her recent plans don't trump yours. End of.

DH is being made to feel that by saying no, he is rejecting his son (a child), and that me as an adult should understand that. However it's making me feel rejected and unwanted by DH and l this happens a lot. So it's going to cause irreparable damage to our marriage, unfortunately.

He’s not being made to feel anything. He’s choosing to be manipulated by his ex. If he’s so bloody bothered he’s welcome to cancel or postpone his work trip and facilitate having his son to stay.

If he’s not prepared to do that I wouldn’t be entertaining any further discussion.

@AnneLovesGilbert
You've hit the nail on the head. He's told me he won't travel, but frankly I don't believe him. Our last round of IVF failed on the Friday and he was on a flight on the Monday with me completely beside myself.

I honestly don't think I could stay in a marriage like that. He's taking you for a mug and the ex is expecting you to dance to her tune. Fuck that.

@AnneLovesGilbert has it right. DH is happy to throw you and your plans under the bus to assuage his guilt, so long as he can carry on in his little man-vacuum of a life.

That’s neither partnership nor parenting.

Meanwhile, the ex shouts loudest and plays the emotional blackmail card.

All of this would make me even more inclined to say no.

I'm booking another trip for me and my parents midweek, one he had previously suggested not to plan anything because he might be away.
Fuck that. This is also a trip that involves taking our car. Spiteful- yes, but also massively helping my mental health.

Do not give in to her or she is going to keep doing this. If your oh gives in, take NO part in it. Don’t rearrange your work or your trips or anything. This is not your responsibility.

Your DH is a parent, he needs to parent and not abdicate responsibility to his ex or you.

If he only does EOW etc..then his ex has been picking up his slack for years. He needs to step up and you need to see that rather than implying the ex is the problem.

Well he can do school work from his dm's hotel then
.