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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSS moving in for 3 months

188 replies

Timeandthymeagain · 10/01/2023 20:26

We are ex pats and live overseas. DSS's mum wants to take a job in another part of the country for 3 months so she can retrain and leave DSS with us. He can walk to and from school from his mum's and ours it's a 20 minute drive each way to a bus stop. This has literally been dropped on us, as she wants to move next month. My parents are coming to stay for 6 weeks during the time she wants and we've already got trips booked (during school days) that we'd need to cancel, or me hire a car and go alone with my parents and leave DH here. Plus we'd feel pretty guilty doing anything adult only and leaving DSS at home, but I've only seen my parents once since COVID when I managed to negotiate a 'work trip' to get my back to the uk for a week. DH is travelling with work during that time too, so I'd need to negotiate flexibility with work to get him to and from school, I'm not asking my parents to get a grumpy 15 year old out of bed at 7am or be at home by 4 to collect him. We are both happy to look at any other 3 month period this year. Just not her suggested dates. Is that fair?

OP posts:
Menomenon · 10/01/2023 20:27

Just suck it up - that’s parenting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2023 20:32

The mum isn’t sucking it up. But nice try. She was happy being the resident parent till she got a better offer and now wants to dump her kid for 3 months with almost no notice.

OP, his dad is already away with work so he can’t accommodate mum going away and having DSS for this period. She’s not in hospital or dealing with an emergency, she wants to work somewhere else. Just say no.

If she wants to discuss changing residency for months at a time she needs to discuss it with your husband with adequate notice and not commit to work until she’s arranged suitable childcare.

supersonicginandtonic · 10/01/2023 20:36

If she's doing something that will better her career, also benefiting her son. I would definitely help out and support.

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 10/01/2023 20:41

We are willing to help and support. I should add - this isn't a once in a lifetime opportunity. She can take a job in the same city, but she is choosing to do one in another state. She needs to get her qualifications up to date. Which can be done here. Which she has done previously but didn't complete the hours of training needed, so needs to redo.

OP posts:
fastandthecurious1 · 10/01/2023 20:43

You deserve a decent amount of notice so no I wouldn't miss fine with my parents. If DH wants it to go ahead he had better sort his schedule to accommodate his child so you don't have to or say no for this current time and allow you more time to be free to help

Namechange828492 · 10/01/2023 20:47

Can you not just pay for a taxi for the bus trip? I agree you shouldnt change your plans but DH might need to.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 10/01/2023 20:48

Surely this should be a discussion.
Ie does it work for evryone including the child beofre accepting.
I'd say no or at very least I'm nto changing plans and dp and ex need to sort their child.
Also as rp is changing I'm assuming she will be paying you maintenace during this time (I know I'll get flamed but that's the rules and it's for the child to pay for their needs!) or at the very very minimum at least maintenance from you would cease.

Kanaloa · 10/01/2023 20:49

You don’t need to cancel your days out. Your husband can parent his child appropriately and you can still go for a day out! No problem really.

Kanaloa · 10/01/2023 20:51

Also, if your husband appropriately parents his child I’m not sure why you’d have to get a babysitter to get him out of bed and be at home to babysit him after school. He is 15. He should be perfectly capable of getting himself home from school and spending a few hours without direct care.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 10/01/2023 20:53

My ds moved in full time at an hour's notice. It was my dh who collected him and his stuff.

Your dss should be more than welcome

Justcallmebebes · 10/01/2023 21:07

He's your husband's son. Of course you should accommodate him for 3 months if needs be.

What would you do if his mother was hospitalised suddenly, or worse?

Hadtochangeforthisone · 10/01/2023 21:33

Nothing wrong with DSS coming to your home. However, the issues and logistics associated to this move sit ENTIRELY with your husband !!! Why are you even involved ? You are not default childcare in his mothers absence. Husband is !!

Take yourself out of this equation. Then your husband can ask himself. 'What life changes can I make to accommodate this.' ?
Your life should not be impacted at all.

Having 'benefit of penis' does not exempt you from parenting your child .

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 10/01/2023 21:47

DH has already 2 week long overseas trips booked with clients, they can't be moved.
During those weeks what's the solution? Walk to and from the bus to school? (1 hour) $40 in taxi's a day?
He has form of 'walking to school' then going home to bed at his mum's - I'm not leaving my parents to deal with that.
I leave for work before 7 and get back at around 6:30 so would need to WFH for 2 weeks which won't make me very popular at work.
We are happy to look at any other 3 month period but not this one. This isn't an emergency, she isn't unwell, she is choosing to take a role elsewhere. We couldn't / wouldn't move interstate for 3 months because 'we fancied a change whist upskilling at work'

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 10/01/2023 22:03

The solution is that the child’s father organises him. What would he usually do for childcare while he’s on a two week long overseas trip? Surely he’s already organised something for that time as he would of course still be having contact with his son anyway?

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 10/01/2023 22:08

I usually do it. But he isn't with us for weeks at a time, he is EOW, plus one night a week, plus sports training (which he gets another team mate to help with if he's away, if I can't)

OP posts:
HamBone · 10/01/2023 22:13

OK, so this isn’t an emergency situation, and she could do this training later in the year?

i think she’s being unfair giving you so little notice, especially as your DH is already booked to go on overseas work trips. One parent needs to be responsible for their son during those three months and it sounds as if she has flexibility to change her training dates.

Your DH needs to sit down with her and work out a feasible three-month period. The one she’s proposing isn’t going to work.

Parents who are together also have to do this. I’m going on a 10-day work trip at the end of the month and DH can’t also leave to do some training elsewhere.

cestlavielife · 10/01/2023 22:15

He s 15 not 5
Get him taxi bus whatever

Stomacharmeleon · 10/01/2023 22:18

Agree but ask mum to organise the extra travel eg from your house to bus etc.
if she is desperate to do it ask her to make the logistics work!

HamBone · 10/01/2023 22:20

It’s pretty obvious that both parents are expecting you to pick up the slack, OP. You can’t and neither can your parents. Your DH and his ex will have to sort this out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2023 22:52

What’s DH saying OP? You’re not available, he’s literally away for two weeks, it can’t be done.

If DH was planning to bail on contact for 3 months for a non essential work trip people would be clear in their condemnation of his selfishness what with him being a parent and being obligated to put seeing his child first. Everyone would say it’s up to him to arrange cover for his contact time and his work isn’t his ex’s responsibility.

Kanaloa · 10/01/2023 23:22

Timeandthymeagain · 10/01/2023 22:08

I usually do it. But he isn't with us for weeks at a time, he is EOW, plus one night a week, plus sports training (which he gets another team mate to help with if he's away, if I can't)

Right, so he usually cares for his child a day a week, plus every second weekend. A tiny amount. And then shoves that tiny amount of responsibility onto you when it suits him.

So sick of mums & step kids being villainised because people don’t want to admit their husband is just a rubbish dad. He hardly ever cares for his child. He’s presumably had years of looking after him for the equivalent of one week out of the month. Let him figure out how to get his son to school and back.

Kanaloa · 10/01/2023 23:22

And all this time presumably the mother having the child the overwhelming majority of the time has facilitated him going on all these week long work trips. So now he’s repaying her.

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 10/01/2023 23:24

DH wants to help (as do I) but admits that the timing is far from ideal. He know that I need to 'agree to it' because it's me that will need to make it work. He planned his work trips whilst my parents are here so I got quality time with them, and so I wouldn't be home alone. He did FIFO for years and I hated it. But now that's all being turned on it's head, at a whim by her which feels unfair and she has a habit of doing this, It isn't the first time. He's going to ask if there is an alternative 3 month period we could do even if it was a mid March start to avoid some of his travel, then will be in school holidays so less of an issue getting to a school which is 40km away in the opposite direction of where I work.

OP posts:
Geppili · 10/01/2023 23:28

Supposing, god forbid, she was seriously ill or was killed. How would your DH deal with that?

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 10/01/2023 23:45

@Geppili
She was unwell 18 months ago and we had DSS and her Ddog for weeks. No problem.
That isn't the case in this situation.

OP posts:
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