DSS moving in for 3 months

[Timeandthymeagain]

We are ex pats and live overseas. DSS's mum wants to take a job in another part of the country for 3 months so she can retrain and leave DSS with us. He can walk to and from school from his mum's and ours it's a 20 minute drive each way to a bus stop. This has literally been dropped on us, as she wants to move next month. My parents are coming to stay for 6 weeks during the time she wants and we've already got trips booked (during school days) that we'd need to cancel, or me hire a car and go alone with my parents and leave DH here. Plus we'd feel pretty guilty doing anything adult only and leaving DSS at home, but I've only seen my parents once since COVID when I managed to negotiate a 'work trip' to get my back to the uk for a week. DH is travelling with work during that time too, so I'd need to negotiate flexibility with work to get him to and from school, I'm not asking my parents to get a grumpy 15 year old out of bed at 7am or be at home by 4 to collect him. We are both happy to look at any other 3 month period this year. Just not her suggested dates. Is that fair?

A medical emergency is completely different from one parent deciding to do something in another city that means she is not parenting her own ds.

Why are people dumping on the OP with regards her partner's parenting when it's the ds's mother who has abandoned her patenting responsibilities without communication properly and negotiating a proper plan

No. The solution is that the RP doesn't abandon her responsibilities in the first place.

If he only does EOW etc..then his ex has been picking up his slack for years. He needs to step up and you need to see that rather than implying the ex is the problem.

You say this like it was solely his decision and not an arrangement that worked for his ex. Loads of resident parents think EOW is acceptable though they wouldn’t accept it themselves. There’s no suggestion at all that she’s some poor put upon woman being forced to care for her own son the majority of the time. The DH will be paying child support in line with the amount of contact he’s had.

If she was interested in increasing contact between the DS and his dad and improving their relationship the time to do that was before trying to dump the kid on his dad at very short notice when his dad is already due to be away.

I think OP’s DH is a selfish arsehole who’s treating OP and her parents appallingly but let’s not pretend his ex is any sort of victim. She’s a crap parent who’s being equally selfish and now actively trying to sabotage her son’s relationship with his other family which makes her an absolute bitch.

By not planning properly the RP (mother) has created the problem. This is not an emergency. It is an elected trip away for the RP. The father has work trips that involve other people during this time. The OP is away. Had the RP involved the father in the planning this whole scenario would have been avoided.

We've always wanted more access and always denied.
We pay private education and a large CM, I saw we because it's family money. Plus everything else that comes with kids in terms of a financial commitment.
We are happy to explore every other option, just not for the full time my parents are here.
In additional context and not to drip feed I had a recent mental breakdown. I don't need the additional pressure, I'm still not back to work full time and my doc has told me to
Avoid additional stress.

If he does come I'll be interested by her reaction of suddenly losing 5k in CM payments.

The father has been abandoning his responsibility all these work trips. So no, the solution is that his parents organise the care of their child.

@Kanaloa the fatter has not been abandoning his responsibilities. He and the ds's mother decided upon an arrangement that suited then BOTH. It's not up to you to determine whether that arrangement is right or not

That poor child. What a dreadful selfish mother.

Please stop being a gravy train and give her the minimum you can. Her son needs to see what she is.

Vile woman.

No. It’s up to his parents. Who should organise the care of their child between themselves.

I was originally in favour off making his mother stay. But if she literally won't, and is willing to fuck up his education, I think you need to mentally write her off as a responsible parent. DSS needs responsible adults in his life, it's not his fault, I think you and DH need to step up in his best interests. Not as a favour to his mother, who deserves nothing, but because his mother is so awful that he needs your help.

No. Once again, his father can step up but OP doesn’t have to do anything.

No she didn't have to, and the responsibility lies with her dh. But personally I wouldn't stand by and watch a child I care about being neglected, even if they're not mine.

@MMMarmite

No she didn't have to, and the responsibility lies with her dh. But personally I wouldn't stand by and watch a child I care about being neglected, even if they're not mine

Wholeheartedly agree with this

We are at a complete stalemate and have argued all week about it. I've suggested going to counselling at the weekend to talk it through with an impartial person. Good or bad idea?

Is DH saying he will just bring DSS to yours and then go off on his work trip/s?

If he’s determined to capitulate to his ex then he’s unlikely to respect the guidance of a counsellor if they go against him - he’ll probably claim they are biased. Or refuse to go.

Have you said you will keep your travel plans regardless?

Why can't your dh change his work trip and sort childcare like the rest of us parents have to? Not right if the mother to do what's she's done but as dad has been so minimally involved surely he could step up just once? Just thinking of the child. It's definitely not your issue abd I wouldn't change your plans but would expect dh too. For your holiday I'm sure at 15 he could split the time between 2 friends it's only a week!

He's saying either he'll cancel his work trips (a lie), or DSS can walk to and from the bus (again won't happen it's way to far) That I should continue the trips with my parents, or move them to the weekend to include DSS.

So dh is lying when he says he'll cancel work trips for his son? Wow sounds like you have a lot on your plate. For me he would need to cancel the trips and look after his son, poor son with 2 parents who can't be arsed to put him first.

Why do you think your husband is lying to you? If you don't trust him, reasonably or not, that seems a dysfunctional relationship.

Why is lying? Why can't he cancel his work trip to look after his own child?

Why are people having a go at the DF? It's the selfish mother causing the problem.

OP honestly I don't think you can ban your partner from having his child in your shared home. You can insist you won't do the work of looking after him. But if I were a parent whose partner wouldn't let my kids stay, I'd not be remaining living together much longer.

Because while the mother is wrong full stop, the father is wrong in how he’s reacting to it and treating op.

Op I think you need to call the mums bluff and let her get on with it, or these incidences will keep happening. If your oh insists he’s coming then you need to completely step back from care. Carry on with your plans, don’t rearrange your work, don’t put yourself out at all. Obviously you should still be friendly and lovely to dss but none of the care. Your oh does it/sorts it and plans it all with no help from you. If he can step all over your opinions and feelings then he does not deserve your help and support. Yes the mum is wrong, and I have no doubt when she’s pulled this it’s after many many things before, but your oh has allowed it to happen.

I agree with @ijustneedanamefgs

Welcome DSS when he's there, as usual. DH is either there or he's not, but he risks leaving his child alone and truanting.