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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSS moving in for 3 months

188 replies

Timeandthymeagain · 10/01/2023 20:26

We are ex pats and live overseas. DSS's mum wants to take a job in another part of the country for 3 months so she can retrain and leave DSS with us. He can walk to and from school from his mum's and ours it's a 20 minute drive each way to a bus stop. This has literally been dropped on us, as she wants to move next month. My parents are coming to stay for 6 weeks during the time she wants and we've already got trips booked (during school days) that we'd need to cancel, or me hire a car and go alone with my parents and leave DH here. Plus we'd feel pretty guilty doing anything adult only and leaving DSS at home, but I've only seen my parents once since COVID when I managed to negotiate a 'work trip' to get my back to the uk for a week. DH is travelling with work during that time too, so I'd need to negotiate flexibility with work to get him to and from school, I'm not asking my parents to get a grumpy 15 year old out of bed at 7am or be at home by 4 to collect him. We are both happy to look at any other 3 month period this year. Just not her suggested dates. Is that fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 12/01/2023 11:28

Yes it's usual.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 12/01/2023 11:34

What has it actually got to do with you & your parents? Why are you even being brought into the conversation? I feel like perhaps your husband has mentioned that in turning her down but actually you shouldn’t even be coming into it. It’s his child.

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:39

I think given that the dads not there a lot of the time it's not unreasonable to say it's not possible and to ask her to take the next opportunity instead in order to give more notice so that dad can clear his calendar of overseas trips.

MeridianB · 12/01/2023 11:41

Kanaloa · 12/01/2023 11:34

What has it actually got to do with you & your parents? Why are you even being brought into the conversation? I feel like perhaps your husband has mentioned that in turning her down but actually you shouldn’t even be coming into it. It’s his child.

This is true. I guess he said it's not a good time and she asked why. But she sounds so explosive and unreasonable anyway, I'd be worried what she is like with DSS.

Has DH ever consider becoming NRP to give DSS more stability?

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:44

hartytype · 11/01/2023 07:49

He's part of your family. A fact you were aware of from day one. He's not a child so will be mostly independent when he stays with you.
He should be welcome in your home unconditionally ( regardless of how thoughtless or otherwise his mother might be. That's irrelevant) It IS his home. He should take priority over visiting guests.
You need to make this work

He can't be mostly independent when it's a 40 minute round car trip to get him to and from his school bus twice a day 5 days a week!

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 12/01/2023 11:44

She basically said Time and her parents obviously don't love DSS if they can't accommodate him. They don't see him as family.
Been with DH 15 years, married 10. I've done SO much for both of them, but I'm exhausted by still being abused all these years on.
Not OW, they were never married, short fling, broke up after a few dates.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 12/01/2023 11:46

He's 15? He doesn't need minding snd probably would not enjoy going out with you guys much anyway.
Of course he should stay - he's your stepson but your parters child.
My stepsons both moved in, one at 14 one at 16. They left at 18. But neither required any minding snd I even got them to do their own laundry!

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 12/01/2023 11:48

@mondaytosunday how do I get him to and from school whilst DH is away?

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 12/01/2023 11:50

@mondaytosunday - what do we do when we've already booked trips (2 nights, 3 days) away mid-week, which we've paid for as gifts for my parents?

OP posts:
euff · 12/01/2023 11:52

There's nothing wrong in saying no here. She sounds very unpleasant. You've told her that you can accommodate it another time if she gives you the ability to plan it in. She is unreasonable to want to change things at short notice when your DH will be away a third of the time and you have holidays booked.

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:56

mondaytosunday · 12/01/2023 11:46

He's 15? He doesn't need minding snd probably would not enjoy going out with you guys much anyway.
Of course he should stay - he's your stepson but your parters child.
My stepsons both moved in, one at 14 one at 16. They left at 18. But neither required any minding snd I even got them to do their own laundry!

The age is irrelevant, as above, he needs driving a 40 min round trip twice a day for the school bus. How can that happen if OP is out? It's not that you don't want to accommodate dss, simply that you cannot on this occasion. Id word it like that and say you are happy to do it another time with more notice or at a time where dp is more available but unfortunately it's not possible on this occasion

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 11:56

Sorry posted to soon. Meant to end with, and leave it at that.

JanusTheFirst · 12/01/2023 11:58

Just tell her it isn't happening and it's her turn to suck it up. Selfish woman.

YukoandHiro · 12/01/2023 12:05

He's 15! He can't just live alone for 3 months.

What do people expect when they become a step parent?!

arethereanyleftatall · 12/01/2023 12:08

Would her side of the story be that she (or you) have facilitated the fathers work trips and career in his first fifteen years and she's thinking, fuck this, it's my turn now?

The short notice isn't great, but it sounds like thanks to you and the mum, the father has just carried on his life as if he didn't have a child.

YukoandHiro · 12/01/2023 12:08

What @arethereanyleftatall said. Almost certainly.

JanusTheFirst · 12/01/2023 12:11

arethereanyleftatall · 12/01/2023 12:08

Would her side of the story be that she (or you) have facilitated the fathers work trips and career in his first fifteen years and she's thinking, fuck this, it's my turn now?

The short notice isn't great, but it sounds like thanks to you and the mum, the father has just carried on his life as if he didn't have a child.

Perhaps that's true - but it still isn't OP's problem. His father can't have him so the mother will have to - not try to force OP to.

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 12:15

Would her side of the story be that she (or you) have facilitated the fathers work trips and career in his first fifteen years and she's thinking, fuck this, it's my turn now?

Which they are happy to do with a bit of notice, which is a fair thing to ask for in the circumstances

NameChangePoP · 12/01/2023 12:19

Could you say to her that it's only possible if she covers the cost of the Taxi's to and from school for DSS each day, as well as pay the cost of adding him to your planned trips away?
Present it to her as the only viable option within those dates so it's that or nothing.

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 12/01/2023 12:22

That's $4,200 in taxis to and from school for 3 months.
We can't take him on the trips as it would mean missing 6 days of term.

OP posts:
Scalottia · 12/01/2023 12:28

hartytype · 11/01/2023 07:49

He's part of your family. A fact you were aware of from day one. He's not a child so will be mostly independent when he stays with you.
He should be welcome in your home unconditionally ( regardless of how thoughtless or otherwise his mother might be. That's irrelevant) It IS his home. He should take priority over visiting guests.
You need to make this work

Wrong. My step child would never be my priority over my own parents.

It's not OP's job to pick up the slack - step child has 2 parents, they need to deal with it.

gingerhamster · 12/01/2023 12:33

I all honesty, I wouldn't be asking if she's got alternative dates, I'd be saying "No, we can't do that on those dates, but we could do X dates". End of. You shouldn't be having to change loads of your plans to accommodate hers.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 12/01/2023 12:33

YukoandHiro · 12/01/2023 12:05

He's 15! He can't just live alone for 3 months.

What do people expect when they become a step parent?!

Their mother to not relinquish all responsibility for three months unnecessarily and out of the blue?

Presumably she knew what she was getting herself into when she decided to have a child?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2023 12:49

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 12/01/2023 12:33

Their mother to not relinquish all responsibility for three months unnecessarily and out of the blue?

Presumably she knew what she was getting herself into when she decided to have a child?

Show quote history

This with massive fucking bells on.

NoDairyNoProblem · 12/01/2023 12:50

I’m not a step mum but I do t think it’s unreasonable for you to not drop all your plans to accommodate SS on his DM’s whim.
Your parents are not responsible for babysitting either.

I would be looking at:
Ex changing her dates ( that should never have been scheduled without prior agreement).
Her parents helping.
Her siblings helping.
DH’s parents helping.

I wouldn’t cancel pre planned trips for work but nor would I be opposed to DS missing a few days of school to join you on the vacation.