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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSS moving in for 3 months

188 replies

Timeandthymeagain · 10/01/2023 20:26

We are ex pats and live overseas. DSS's mum wants to take a job in another part of the country for 3 months so she can retrain and leave DSS with us. He can walk to and from school from his mum's and ours it's a 20 minute drive each way to a bus stop. This has literally been dropped on us, as she wants to move next month. My parents are coming to stay for 6 weeks during the time she wants and we've already got trips booked (during school days) that we'd need to cancel, or me hire a car and go alone with my parents and leave DH here. Plus we'd feel pretty guilty doing anything adult only and leaving DSS at home, but I've only seen my parents once since COVID when I managed to negotiate a 'work trip' to get my back to the uk for a week. DH is travelling with work during that time too, so I'd need to negotiate flexibility with work to get him to and from school, I'm not asking my parents to get a grumpy 15 year old out of bed at 7am or be at home by 4 to collect him. We are both happy to look at any other 3 month period this year. Just not her suggested dates. Is that fair?

OP posts:
HamBone · 10/01/2023 23:48

Geppili · 10/01/2023 23:28

Supposing, god forbid, she was seriously ill or was killed. How would your DH deal with that?

That's an emergency situation, @Geppili and the DH would obviously have to adapt. This isn't an emergency at all, it's a choice to do some training that could be rescheduled as far as the OP is aware.

If it turns out that the training genuinely can't be rescheduled, that's different.

Geppili · 10/01/2023 23:51

I do see the difference. Why is it you posting about this? Why isn't he dealing with it straight away by simply saying that she hasn't given you enough notice?

HandbagsnGladrags · 11/01/2023 05:06

It would be a no from me given your circumstances. Not convenient at this time. All the grunt work will fall to you. Yet another man who leaves it all to the new wife.

hoppityscotch · 11/01/2023 06:33

Timeandthymeagain · 10/01/2023 21:47

DH has already 2 week long overseas trips booked with clients, they can't be moved.
During those weeks what's the solution? Walk to and from the bus to school? (1 hour) $40 in taxi's a day?
He has form of 'walking to school' then going home to bed at his mum's - I'm not leaving my parents to deal with that.
I leave for work before 7 and get back at around 6:30 so would need to WFH for 2 weeks which won't make me very popular at work.
We are happy to look at any other 3 month period but not this one. This isn't an emergency, she isn't unwell, she is choosing to take a role elsewhere. We couldn't / wouldn't move interstate for 3 months because 'we fancied a change whist upskilling at work'

Not your problem. It's DH's problem. If he cant sort out those 2 week trips then no way should you be having to change your work for his son.

MeridianB · 11/01/2023 07:49

HamBone · 10/01/2023 22:13

OK, so this isn’t an emergency situation, and she could do this training later in the year?

i think she’s being unfair giving you so little notice, especially as your DH is already booked to go on overseas work trips. One parent needs to be responsible for their son during those three months and it sounds as if she has flexibility to change her training dates.

Your DH needs to sit down with her and work out a feasible three-month period. The one she’s proposing isn’t going to work.

Parents who are together also have to do this. I’m going on a 10-day work trip at the end of the month and DH can’t also leave to do some training elsewhere.

I agree with @HamBone He needs to explain that he can't support with such short notice and ex needs to suggest alternatives times for discussion.

hartytype · 11/01/2023 07:49

He's part of your family. A fact you were aware of from day one. He's not a child so will be mostly independent when he stays with you.
He should be welcome in your home unconditionally ( regardless of how thoughtless or otherwise his mother might be. That's irrelevant) It IS his home. He should take priority over visiting guests.
You need to make this work

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2023 07:57

No she doesn’t. He has two parents. They need to make it work and they can’t when one of them makes unilateral decisions to benefit only herself and expects her ex to accommodate her.

This woman has a son, she knew that meant making sacrifices, he lives in her home most of the time which is presumably what she wants, so she should think of her responsibilities to him first and put herself second. You know, she knew what she was getting into when she became a parent and split with her child’s other parent….

hoppityscotch · 11/01/2023 09:23

hartytype · 11/01/2023 07:49

He's part of your family. A fact you were aware of from day one. He's not a child so will be mostly independent when he stays with you.
He should be welcome in your home unconditionally ( regardless of how thoughtless or otherwise his mother might be. That's irrelevant) It IS his home. He should take priority over visiting guests.
You need to make this work

No she doesn't. It's her husbands responsibility to make it work. Why are you dumping all this on OP. She has no obligation to this child. They have two parents already. A lot of family's manage with two parents.

hoppityscotch · 11/01/2023 09:24

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/01/2023 07:57

No she doesn’t. He has two parents. They need to make it work and they can’t when one of them makes unilateral decisions to benefit only herself and expects her ex to accommodate her.

This woman has a son, she knew that meant making sacrifices, he lives in her home most of the time which is presumably what she wants, so she should think of her responsibilities to him first and put herself second. You know, she knew what she was getting into when she became a parent and split with her child’s other parent….

I agree. The parents knew the deal when they split. They have to step up for their own child now.

leelan · 11/01/2023 11:20

I agree your husband needs to step up and have his son stay. He could also decide he wants to permanently stay at one point. However, I also think that she should of consulted you in regards to timings. I would explain that you have lots going on and can he come once your parents have finished visiting.

Kanaloa · 11/01/2023 12:15

Again, what was your husband’s plan for the days he was responsible for his son during his weeks away? Surely he can extend those plans?

Or was his plan simply to dump the responsibility on you?

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 11/01/2023 22:47

He's messaged her asking if there are alternative dates and she's ignoring him!

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 11/01/2023 22:55

I'd say no to facilitating anything. This isn't a necessity, it's a big short notice favour, and it just doesn't work for you.

Let your husband and his ex figure out a solution between themselves.

SandyY2K · 12/01/2023 01:07

He's messaged her asking if there are alternative dates and she's ignoring him!

The next message should be it doesn't work for YOU.

At 15, if he can't get himself awake and to school, that's not your problem.

From 11, my kids set their alarms and got themselves ready and to school by themselves. I left for work before they left for school, once they were in high school.

Nicecow · 12/01/2023 01:08

Menomenon · 10/01/2023 20:27

Just suck it up - that’s parenting.

Yep, this. Sorry OP

Fraaahnces · 12/01/2023 01:30

He needs to say it’s not possible during that particular time due to his working travel commitments and your work and travel plans and and she needs to have a more collaborative approach to parenting in the future. The things that are arranged during that time period can’t be changed, so she will have to sort out an alternative plan for herself.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 12/01/2023 02:01

Nicecow
*
Menomenon
Just suck it up - that’s parenting.

Yep, this. Sorry OP
*
Total and utter bollox !! The 'parenting' is down to one of the actual parents !!

Not dumped in the lap of the step parent. Who needs to grow a backbone and tell both of them to sort it out as she is NOT the default in their inability to parent effectively.

Kanaloa · 12/01/2023 07:47

Fraaahnces · 12/01/2023 01:30

He needs to say it’s not possible during that particular time due to his working travel commitments and your work and travel plans and and she needs to have a more collaborative approach to parenting in the future. The things that are arranged during that time period can’t be changed, so she will have to sort out an alternative plan for herself.

And what about when she says it’s not possible for her to cover his contact times during his two weeks away? Why is it ok for him to regularly step out of parenting and not the mother?

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 12/01/2023 09:50

@Kanaloa
Before DH travels and books work trips there is a conversation. 'I need to be away with work for 1 week, can you be around to help?'
If yes, he goes. If I can't then he has a conversation with his mum, if she can't then he finds an alternative.
Simple.
We've said 100% we can help, but can't for 100% of her proposed time period, any alternative dates can work but just not these particular dates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 12/01/2023 09:50

@Kanaloa
Before DH travels and books work trips there is a conversation. 'I need to be away with work for 1 week, can you be around to help?'
If yes, he goes. If I can't then he has a conversation with his mum, if she can't then he finds an alternative.
Simple.
We've said 100% we can help, but can't for 100% of her proposed time period, any alternative dates can work but just not these particular dates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 12/01/2023 09:50

@Kanaloa
Before DH travels and books work trips there is a conversation. 'I need to be away with work for 1 week, can you be around to help?'
If yes, he goes. If I can't then he has a conversation with his mum, if she can't then he finds an alternative.
Simple.
We've said 100% we can help, but can't for 100% of her proposed time period, any alternative dates can work but just not these particular dates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 12/01/2023 09:51

Sorry the app had a meltdown didn't mean to post multiple times....

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2023 10:06

If she won’t engage - utterly immature and gutless - he needs to text/message/email and say this isn’t how people sort childcare and he won’t be facilitating her work jolly.

Is she likely to just pitch up and dump DSS on your doorstep? Hopefully not. But she’s shown herself to be selfish and non collaborative so who can say. Poor DSS either way having a woman like that for a mother.

I’d draw a line in your head and try not to worry about it now.

Original poster
Timeandthymeagain · 12/01/2023 10:16

She responded to DH today basically calling me and my parents all the names under the sun for not picking up the slack and turning our long awaited trip upside down to facilitate her preferred training dates 8 hours away, when she could and has done them previously in the same city.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 12/01/2023 11:17

Is this usual behaviour for her?

She's not likely to get the outcome she wants by being so agressive and rude.