DSS moving in for 3 months

[Timeandthymeagain]

We are ex pats and live overseas. DSS's mum wants to take a job in another part of the country for 3 months so she can retrain and leave DSS with us. He can walk to and from school from his mum's and ours it's a 20 minute drive each way to a bus stop. This has literally been dropped on us, as she wants to move next month. My parents are coming to stay for 6 weeks during the time she wants and we've already got trips booked (during school days) that we'd need to cancel, or me hire a car and go alone with my parents and leave DH here. Plus we'd feel pretty guilty doing anything adult only and leaving DSS at home, but I've only seen my parents once since COVID when I managed to negotiate a 'work trip' to get my back to the uk for a week. DH is travelling with work during that time too, so I'd need to negotiate flexibility with work to get him to and from school, I'm not asking my parents to get a grumpy 15 year old out of bed at 7am or be at home by 4 to collect him. We are both happy to look at any other 3 month period this year. Just not her suggested dates. Is that fair?

If your oh insists he’s coming then you need to completely step back from care. Carry on with your plans, don’t rearrange your work, don’t put yourself out at all. Obviously you should still be friendly and lovely to dss but none of the care. Your oh does it/sorts it and plans it all with no help from you.

I agree with @ijustneedanamefgs . If your DH decides that DSS is staying, let him organize everything. You’re stuck in the middle of their disorganized parenting and clearly expected to pick up the slack whenever necessary-it’s completely unfair, more so because your parents are visiting. I wouldn’t waste your breath arguing with your DH anymore, nor would I arrange counseling to discuss the situation- HE can arrange it if he wants to.

Step back from the situation, OP, and let your DSS’s actual parents sort this out. All the best. 💐

There's so many comments on this thread, all with differing opinions, mostly saying it's the OP's husband that should be dealing with this, or the boys parents etc etc
But, at the heart of all this is a young lad who is being messed about and potentially made to feel a burden. Adults please sort this

So we got the dates it's 4 months in total. Is DH unreasonable to reduce maintenance, to help us with the cost over the next few months?

His mother should be paying you maintenance if he's living with you, let alone DH reducing it. If she's not caring for him, and you are, why on earth would you continue to pay her?

Good idea to go to counselling. Suspect it might make him realise that while he has a responsibility to parent, with that comes some compromise (his work trips)

Yes I think you're ok to request reduction in maintenance if you have full time care (and costs ) for 4 months

This. She should be paying DH.

If he fails to arrange this, agrees no payment either way or worse, keeps paying her, I think my patience would be challenged.

Even if the mum is being a shit parent, it doesn’t mean the dad can be too. He should absolutely put his son first and suck it up. If you can’t help with childcare he’ll have to make other plans (but unless there’s a backstory, I can’t imagine not helping my DH in this kind of situation).

Stop it altogether and claim from her.

So you have agreed to it?
no obviously not unreasonable, she should be paying you maintenance. At the very least as maintenance is worked out on overnight contact over the year then it may end up 50/50 which could mean no maintenance either side for the year?

I've not agreed it but I've been forced into it. My friend has offered me and my parents an apartment on the coast and I'm seriously considering going. But I'm reluctant to leave the house I built, most of which was enabled by my job to enable us to gain cash quickly. My home is much nicer than a rental by the beach .... he said the mist awful thing tonight. Realising that this is dead in the water.

Oh no - what did he say?

Oh no op. What did he say? If you've paid for this house, don't leave it. He can bloody leave it.

Oh I’m so sorry. You seem to have supported him so much and the one time you don’t agree with him (rightly imo) he turns on you. You deserve better.

We've have 4 rounds of IVF, multiple attempts post collect, a couple that resulted in suicide attempts. I'm clearly desperate to be a mum.
Yet tonight during a calm discussion from me around logistics.....
You say you want children, but the thought of having one for 3 months has turned you into a gibberish wreak.

I'm so sorry OP. Infertility is very painful.

I would take your friends offer though. Even if the place isn’t as nice at least the tension would be less. It would give you a break from the situation. Obviously protect your right to the house as it seems your husband can’t be trusted to act decently.
Otherwise maybe he could move, even to ss house as it will be free and make things easier for ss.
Your oh is an ass. He wouldn’t have been able to facilitate his relationship with ss all this time without you. He’s used to you putting him and ss 1st all the time to your own detriment. Selfish ass!!

Kick him out. He can figure out how to accommodate his son.

What a bully he is

Oh my goodness @Timeandthymeagain that is awful. I'm very sorry.

His whole approach to this has been poor, but that is such a cruel and unnecessary thing to say.

Ok I was being nice when I said ass, insert lots of words here that would probably get me banned!!! I hope this guy wakes up!!

That's a low blow. What an arsehole.

The thing op you won't be parenting as a mum or dad would in those 3 months.

Having struggled with fertility- I absolutely get it. But if you ever do come to having children (with this man or another) you may end up being very angry because what he's suggesting is the same thing is actually worlds apart. In so many aspects. He's a ass 🎩. And you deserve better

It's night with me, he tried to bully himself into bed. My gorgeous staffy had jumped into bed with me as she could tell I was upset. He tried to move her, but she is on full protect mode. She is sleeping to create a barrier. I honestly don't know what to do....

Just take your time and do what’s best for YOU. Don’t consider anyone else. It’s ok to be selfish here. I suspect your oh thinks you will back down and even though he says he won’t travel, your ss can get the bus etc he’s not actually expecting that to happen if you are there.
My main concern is your mental health though, I think you need to reach out for some support through this if you haven’t already

My mental health is in the gutter.
I have a hugely stressful professional job, by some act of god I seem ok there.
I am currently on a mental health plan, I snapped the week before Christmas and took a Henkel (very sharp chefs knife) to my arm. It resulted in multiple internal and external stitches. My parents don't know, but as a medical family they will guess pretty quickly.
But apparently it's ok for me to carry this burden.

I’m glad you are on a mental health plan, use it and adjust it as needed. You need to stay strong.
This situation is not your burden and you need to find a way to step back. If your husband is determined it happens then the burden is all on him. Unfortunately the burden you are left with is the fact he hasn’t respected your thoughts, feelings and needs at this time. But take that 1 day at the time. Nothing needs to happen today, tomorrow, this week. Make sure he knows how you feel and that you need space. He goes to the sofa/spare room or you do. I would seriously consider your friends offer to give you a break from the house altogether. Get your mind straight before you make any big decisions.