DSS moving in for 3 months

[Timeandthymeagain]

We are ex pats and live overseas. DSS's mum wants to take a job in another part of the country for 3 months so she can retrain and leave DSS with us. He can walk to and from school from his mum's and ours it's a 20 minute drive each way to a bus stop. This has literally been dropped on us, as she wants to move next month. My parents are coming to stay for 6 weeks during the time she wants and we've already got trips booked (during school days) that we'd need to cancel, or me hire a car and go alone with my parents and leave DH here. Plus we'd feel pretty guilty doing anything adult only and leaving DSS at home, but I've only seen my parents once since COVID when I managed to negotiate a 'work trip' to get my back to the uk for a week. DH is travelling with work during that time too, so I'd need to negotiate flexibility with work to get him to and from school, I'm not asking my parents to get a grumpy 15 year old out of bed at 7am or be at home by 4 to collect him. We are both happy to look at any other 3 month period this year. Just not her suggested dates. Is that fair?

My parents are elderly, they used to travel yearly but obviously COVID stopped that, last visit my Ddad took really unwell.the whole trip was extremely stressful and fearful, he flew home and had to have surgery and I was due to go back but obv's COVID.
They may not continue to visit after this one. I don't think it's too much to ask to not have to rearrange pre-booked stuff because she's decided after over a decade it's time to update a qualification.
Which she CAN do without leaving the state for 3 months or at ANY point through the next 12 months.

She has no one that can help.
She is non contact with most of her family who are here and DH's family are overseas, like mine.

Well I’m afraid she will have to be more flexible about her training options.

Just say no.

Ah, so really she was always expecting you (and your family as they're visiting) to provide the childcare. She obviously considers you a convenient childcare provider- except you're not your DSS's parent, you don't have PR and your parents certainly don't!

Stand your ground, OP, his parents need to sort this out and she needs to realize that you're not a convenient free childcare provider who can be used anytime she feels like it.

They expect the parents of their step child to parent, not to assume that they are default unpaid unappreciated childcare.

@Liorae this will bells on.

Can you imagine this being a step dad posting this ?

There certainly wouldn't be the suck it up buttercup to him.. must be having a penis that allows them to be able to say no to unreasonable requests.

If the child was self sufficient and able to get to school sure, but if he needs to be minded like a 3 year old to get up from bed because he's been raised like a 3 year old - you can't expect people to be like yay all this extra work dumped last minute on me.

I'm so thankful.

I look after all the family kids bar one, because he's a violent little blighter, bigger than me even at his age (14) and literally has to be handheld to do basic things, rude and frankly a misogynistic at every turn. He's parents can't understand why people don't want to mind him when they go on holiday (for a rest). And the reason is that frankly they have created a absolute devil who acts about 6 years old. It's not really his fault because they enabled it his whole life.

Now they reap what they sowed.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate that this is parenting and it's DSS's home so we should accommodate which we are able to do with notice and a discussion around dates, then mutually agree. I'm not going to be bullied into accepting something that involves a huge amount of compromise on my part when DSS's mum won't compromise and starts throwing insults when she doesn't get what she wants in an instant. That classic behaviour on her part. Of course if this was the only option for her, we'd look at ways to make it work but that's not the case. Nor is it an emergency or unforeseen incident. DH is letting her cool down before trying the discussion again.

Well done for standing your ground OP.

She'll just have to do the qualifications another time or locally.

Don't give in!

Yep, definitely stand your ground.
It's too short notice, you have your parents visiting, you have trip's planned, DSS school is 40km in the opposite direction to your work and dh is away for 2 weeks then add to that being called names by the ex, nope fuck that.
Anyone on here bleating about it's DSS home and you need to sacrifice yourself on the alter of step parenting needs to give their heads a serious wobble.
You are not defacto parent when DSS has actual parents, stick to your guns with the MN classic "sorry, that doesn't work for me"
Be strong op

His mother may just drop him on your doorstep and drive off. Beware.

@Liorae if she does that's a whole other situation, that I'll deal with if it happens?

I really hope it doesn't, but I have heard of such things. When one parent won't accept a "no" from the other.

The main question is: what is the DH doing to help sort this out?

He's 15! Carry on with your plans there's really nothing for you to do here. He doesn't need babysitting, just a roof over his head and feeding. Pretty sure as a normal teen he will not want to socialise with you and will want to stay in his room talking to friends.

@Butterfly44 so we can leave a teen home alone for 6 days? During term time? Right-o

At 15 absolutely. It's dependent on the teen but assuming he's got no issues that mean he shouldn't be left alone, no problem at all. If you ask that question on the teen group you'll find that's pretty much the consensus. It's not uncommon. Parents of my child's friend at that age went on hol for a week, they got themselves to school, at weekend hung out with friends and a sleepover at ours. My now 16yo goes away on trips/festivals without needing us. Totally capable. What would he need you to do that he can't do himself? As long as there is food in the fridge and you call to check in.

You course you shouldn't say yes, even if she and your husband were still married you'd discuss dates first.

You have every right to say that it needs to be later in the year.

For the name calling alone, I’d be forget it! Just say, the answers no-we can’t do these dates as DH is out of the country. We are available from … if you still want to do it then. Or why don’t you try the local training instead?

You've was my think it's ok to go on holiday for a week and leave a 15 year old in what isn't even his primary residence, a 20 minute drive from his school bus stop that he needs to get to every day? I mean I'm quite a relaxed parent but wtf 😆

Don’t ask, tell. “Sorry but that’s not going to work for us because . Happy to have him any other time.”

@Butterfly44 it's bloody negligent to leave a 15 year old for six days by themselves and the safeguarding lead at his school would be very interested.
18 yes 15 no....
And it still means he wouldn't be able to go to school.
Also the op deserves some time with her parents on their trip. Would she be able to relax knowing he was all 'Kevin mcallister' at home. I doubt it. My nerves would be shredded.

@Stomacharmeleon At 15 its not negligent at all. Like I said it really depends on the child and how mature they are. They is no law or safeguarding around leaving a competent 15yo alone. Obviously it's sensible to put things in place and check in - it's not a wreckless home alone scenario! At 16 they can leave home, and start earning. Everyone knows their own circumstances. I live in a safe neighbourhood and have mature sensible teens who I know would cope absolutely fine. It's certainly not unusual to do.

It's not the legal aspect, it's the emotional aspect. Oh hey DSS we are off for a luxurious hotel beach break. You can't come you need to get yourself to and from school and feed yourself (which is utterly alien to you) - seriously?

Not your fault, but if feeding himself is alien to a 15 yr old, that is a serious parenting failure.