Cost of living- DSC edition

[buzzbuzzybuzz]

I am annoyed. DH has decided we need to cut back on our energy use and spending. And I agree. However I suggest things like - limit all showers to 5 minutes if washing hair, 4 if not and I just get "but the DSC aren't here very often they don't use much". They do. They charge all their devices, 2 tablets, 2 phones, a smart watch. They watch netflix and "can't take it in turns" tough, 1 screen is all we need They can learn to share.

Then tonight, the final straw, I have some money put aside to take my DC out to a local attraction, nothing big, we aren't talking disney land here people, but I want to go. And I get "oh but I always wanted to take the DSC there" WELL TOUGH I want to scream, you haven't, you've had 5+ years to take them and you haven't. So either I'm taking DC by myself or you can come. I'm not paying twice the cost for the DSC.

Apologies for the slightly incoherent rant, I have tried to edit it to tidy it up a bit.

Your SC sees their father Every other weekend.
What are you going to do to make that equality ????
Why do you think that is the OPs job? Surely you and the person you chose so carefully to father your child should be dealing with that?

*Your SC have two parents who are seperated , and live in separate houses and the warm fuzzy feeling of having two parents as a kid will never happen again.

Your SC have a right to live in the house and eat what their dad gives them.
They will be his children forever; you may not be his wife forever. I can't believe you make such a big fuss over a few snacks*

so by this logic, all single mums or those not living with the child’s dad should also treat their children like special little treasures, allow them to eat any snacks they choose, have an unlimited budget, and cater to every whim because nothing will make up for the fact their parents aren’t together.

or does this only apply to dads and step mums?

don’t be daft. Divorce is shit, but kids need normal lives and boundaries. If the kids are that damaged by their parents not being together, that’s on the parents.

Your SC sees their father Every other weekend.
What are you going to do to make that equality ????

what if a mum has kids with a second husband? How on earth will she make that equality when some of her kids have two parents that live together and others only see their parents every other weekend?

is she going to let those with an NrP have the nice snacks and the days out? Make the others cut back and have less? How on earth does she make up for those kids who will never have the warm fuzzy feeling if two parents in the same house?

fucking ridiculous argument.

Why is it so unbearable to consider that the DSC might be perfectly happy with the set up and not want everyone "making up" for their parents being seperated all the time.

Can OP please be specific about the snacks they are having ?
and how much they cost ?

OP..just provide the snacks that YOU want to provide... and tell husband to buy extra out of his own pocket.

Can OP please be specific about the snacks they are having ?
and how much they cost ?

does it matter? If the household is cutting down on expensive snacks, shower use etc to save money as their budget doesn’t reach their current expenditure, why is it ok for two of the households children to be exempt from these efforts because they aren’t full time residents?

mumsnet needs to decide whether non resident children are equal parts of the household, or special invited guests who don’t need to follow household norms.

generally even if you are a guest, manners dictate you adapt to the rules of the house. I wouldn’t wear my shoes visiting a house where outdoor shoes aren’t worn inside, I wouldn’t take alcohol visiting muslim or teetotal friends. I wouldn’t insist my brother buys in certain foods or shampoo I like when I go to visit.

perhaps a compromise on the snacks would be to allow the dc a trip to the shop with their pocket money? As a child we never routinely had crisps/biscuits/chocolate, if we wanted it we spent our own money in the corner shop.

I guess this thread highlights the main problem with divorcing and then having a 2nd family. It can turn into an ill-concealed battle for basic resources. It happens in nuclear families too, but feelings are a lot stronger when there are 2 competing families. Hence the ludicrous arguments above to justify giving 1st family children a bigger slice of the pie.

How is this thread even a thing. The house is cutting back on costs. There isn't a need to explain it past - we need to cut costs so xyz is happening.

You don't need separate rules or food allowances for different kids. The house rules are just house rules.

>> an ill-concealed battle for basic resources. It happens in nuclear families too

Smartest and most insightful thing anyone said in ages. Underneath the small things that we talk about politely are actually big things. We’ll all pretend this is untrue and
ludicrous (oh no, it’s not that serious! Calm
down!) because we feel so uncomfortable about these huge, scary, issues that bring up deep feelings and base behaviour.

I’ve been party to both a step family situation and a blood family situation with ongoing resentment over trips, resources, and yes, snacks. This was a BIG THING with my cousins....that my grandmother apparently provided different snacks for certain kids during individual visits.
These cousins (the blood family situation) still were resentful decades later, no exaggeration, and still talked about it.
The adults in the situation, since it was not safe to risk alienating the wealthy trip- and snack-providing grandparents, redirected their resentment at the other cousin, who was unaware they were being favoured and innocent of asking for any favours at others expense. It wasn’t about a stupid can of Pringle’s so much as it was about a lot of other things underneath.

Acknowledging the “bigness” of the underlying issues will help...and it’s good to direct your anger at the appropriate people.
DH sounds like he could use some talking to. A kid who eats an extra pack of crisps per usual protocol (unless he/she’s been told not to) is not being red carpet royalty deserving of rude names.

You don't need separate rules or food allowances for different kids.

Yes @pitchforksandflamethrowers , the DSC should have the same food allowances as the OP’s DC. Perfectly reasonable to make teenagers eat the same as a toddler and not be able to help themselves to snacks.

No I didn’t miss that part.

Did you miss the part where the OP said her DH can spend what he likes of his own money on his DC1 & DC2?

So the DH could use his own money to take the DSC. But the OP thinks that’s a waste of money as she thinks they’re too old for the attraction.

The OP using her own money on her DC for the attraction is a red herring here. Her and her DH are not agreeing on what’s a waste of money and what isn’t.

@DuchessDarty 👍🏻

Needless to say op - whether DC or DSC - most kids will understand the need to cut back on things. Their friends parents will be doing just the same thing and if it boils down to it food and heating needs to be prioritised this isn't a step thing more a effect everyone but the Uber rich thing. If DH wants to pay for trips away for all his kids let him, if he expects you to pay half whatever bill you have equal say and a discussion needs to be had.

The ‘uber rich?’ Come on. OP’s gripes were with them eating two/three snacks four times a month and charging their iPads. This is not about finances - it’s about resentment. Personally I would hazard a guess that her husband’s miserable and whinges about them (op and her toddler) having anything, hence her wanting to make sure everyone feels the pinch. But the issue there isn’t that four bags of crisps a month and a pack of biscuits plus four nights charging time is breaking the bank.

As someone else said,

What are the snacks the SC are eating and what is the cost ?

If it is bags of crisps that cost a few pounds a month OR are they eating foies gras, smoked salmon canapes?

How much money are we talking about the snacks that causes so many problems.

It's all about the money. It always is. So how much money are the snacks ?
and bear in mind, they are growing teenagers so they WILL eat more.

I see what’s going on here. You and your children have to cut back but poor widdle steps can use as much as they want. That’s not fair and he needs telling that. By the way that money as you have said is from your personal spend so if he wants his DC to go as well then he can pay for them. He’s only whining because he sees a freebie for his kids. Petty man. Take your DC and have fun

It's all about the money. It always is. So how much money are the snacks ?
and bear in mind, they are growing teenagers so they WILL eat more

it’s not. It’s about the principle. The members of the household need to take steps to cut down on expenses.

why should the two adults and child who are normally resident go without- make an effort to cut down on electricity use, eat more sensibly- my teenagers can easily spend £30 on weekend treats, coke, biscuits, crisps, while the fruit goes to waste. We’ve put a stop to that for financial and health reasons.

so when dsc visit why should they be allowed to ignore all normal household rules. If, as per mumsnet, it is their home to and should be treated as such, then they aren’t exempt. So no more buying in crisps specially for them and eating two packets a day, they can eat what’s in the house and budgeted for. Everyone else is taking shorter showers so they can cut down from 30 mins to 15 easily.

they aren’t revered guests who have every whim catered to. They’re teenagers who are part of the household.

if o/p had phrased it differently people would be saying he’s a Disney dad and needs to stop spoiling them when they visit, they’re part of the household like everyone else.

You and your children have to cut back but poor widdle steps can use as much as they want.

The OP's children aren't having to cut back though. There's been no information about the OP's toddler cutting back on food, tv access, and snacks (naturally, as at their age it's not something they'd have to cut back on due to money). So it's not comparable to the effect on the DSC.

The OP wrote "it is about my DH's refusal to make any cut backs that will affect the DSC in any way while the rest of the family is trying to be careful." This is disingenuous, it make it sound like her own children are having to be careful when, due to their age, they're not. It's the adults (the OP and her DH) who are being careful. Which is fair enough, they're adults. It's reasonable to have different expectations of adults and teenagers when it comes to budgeting and what to give up. Obviously the teenagers should be cutting back, its the fact that the ways in which the OP expects them to cut back are miserly or, in the case of charging devices overnight, irrelevant.

I don't understand the assumption that the toddler cannot be making any cut backs due to their age. They're not a breast fed baby, many toddlers do have snacks and other treats that might be being cut back on.

I'm not sure what you understand. I made it clear we had no information on if the toddler was cutting back on snacks or indeed on anything else. But let's be real, it wouldn't be the toddler making cutbacks, it would be their parents. The toddler won't be helping themselves to snacks in the same way the teens would. Having said that, given how the teens's access to Netflix is controlled by having to have their father log them in every time, maybe the teens aren't able to help themselves.

I see an opportunity to strengthen connections here, if it's done with sincere positive feeling and not in a manipulative flattery sense.

DH:
“DSC, I know it stinks to have different treats and shorter showers, especialy since you aren't here that often, but you aren't guests here.
This is one of your homes where you live and you are members of the family of equal importance to every one else. Everyone else is having to cut back while this crunch lasts so unfotunately you will too.
And yeah, it also sucks when you aren't here, because everyone else is still cutting back on stuff when you're not around.
I’d love it if you can think of some alternatives for us as a family to save money, or fun things we can do for cheaper or for free.
You’re bright, maybe there’s some really good ideas that me and OP haven’t thought of."

Why does it matter if they are helping themselves? They may previously have had snacks that they now aren't. Toddlers do eat snacks.

And there is clearly a huge difference between only being allowed occasional, shallow baths, and being allowed to regularly luxuriate in the shower for half an hour.

@aSofaNearYou it doesn’t matter if they are helping themselves, what matters is the OP thinks they are having too many snacks regardless of whether they are handed them or help themselves. Correction, the OP said ‘fancy’ snacks but by fancy she seems to mean crisps and chocolate as that’s what she’s described the snacks as.

When asked about the OP’s DC being allowed ‘fancy’ snacks and Netflix the OP replied that her DC was a toddler, implying these issues were irrelevant.

LOL at your emotive language about the showers and baths The toddler isn’t having an “occasional” shallow bath, don’t be ridiculous. Twice a week is regular, not occasional. That’s 8 times a month. (And that’s perfectly reasonable of course.)

The teens having showers during the four days they are the OP’s house during a month is more occasional than the toddler’s baths, but yet you use the term ‘regularly’ for them. We don’t know if they have a shower both days they are there. But if they do, that’s 4 times a month.

It’s reasonable and appropriate for a teen to shower every day. We don’t know if they’re having 20-30 min showers every single time, although I agree they shouldn’t be having such long showers. However teens are always going to need more washing than a toddler. Even if they had shallow baths themselves, they would still use more water than the toddler because of their size.

The OP deliberately corrected someone earlier who said the same about the teens showering 4x a month at the OP’s. The OP responded that it’s 8 times per month as there’s two of them. They can’t help that’s there two of them and so as a unit they’re going to cost more. A solution of course would be for the DH to downsize his kids from his first marriage from two to one.

It's not emotive language at all, I bathe my toddler every day so a couple of times a week would be massively scaling back for me. I don't agree that they require less washing, they get covered in food and muck that older kids do not. If i'd had to cut back to a couple of times a week, the idea of anyone in the household then having 20-30 minute showers as standard would really bother me as that's a massive discrepancy and totally unnecessary.

I'm not sure about the snacks, OP described them as fancy and you can get pretty pricey crisps and chocolates. If they're just not standard variety pack fodder then obviously that's not all that much, but the language suggested they were more expensive than that and causing a strain on the budget.

There's not that much clarity on the snacks so I don't have as much of an opinion on that, but the showers would really bother me.

Of course it’s emotive language: twice a week is objectively not occasional.

It doesn’t matter how often you’d bath and whether twice a week is a low amount for you.

OP didn’t say she had to cut back on the toddler’s baths. In fact because of previous posts by me and others she had the perfect opportunity when replying to say she’d cut back on the baths but didn’t.

Perfectly normal that you bathed your toddler every day but it’s also normal not to. My DC2 has dry, sensitive skin and we realised quickly when he was a baby that a bath every day wasn’t good for his skin. We gave him a bath 2 times a week. That’s professional advice. Didn’t mean my toddler was mucky; you can clean up food and muck from a toddler’s face without giving them a bath! In fact it would be wasteful to give them a whole bath just because they had a dirty face or hands or their clothes were dirty.

Teens need more regular full-body washing than toddlers because unlike toddlers, teens sweat, can have oilier skin due to hormones, have periods and other bodily functions that require a wash.