Cost of living- DSC edition

[buzzbuzzybuzz]

I am annoyed. DH has decided we need to cut back on our energy use and spending. And I agree. However I suggest things like - limit all showers to 5 minutes if washing hair, 4 if not and I just get "but the DSC aren't here very often they don't use much". They do. They charge all their devices, 2 tablets, 2 phones, a smart watch. They watch netflix and "can't take it in turns" tough, 1 screen is all we need They can learn to share.

Then tonight, the final straw, I have some money put aside to take my DC out to a local attraction, nothing big, we aren't talking disney land here people, but I want to go. And I get "oh but I always wanted to take the DSC there" WELL TOUGH I want to scream, you haven't, you've had 5+ years to take them and you haven't. So either I'm taking DC by myself or you can come. I'm not paying twice the cost for the DSC.

Apologies for the slightly incoherent rant, I have tried to edit it to tidy it up a bit.

Like a PP, I think your suggestions seem somewhat mean snd petty. You knew your DH had DC when you got together. It's up to him to make the financial decisions regarding them. The only issue I think you can tackle is maybe to ask for showers to be 10 mins max - say its environmental/cost saving.

Trips out, snacks etc are up to their Dad and if he chooses differently to the choices you would make for your toddler, then so be it. The Netflix thing sounds mean -i t's already paid for -on their behalf, why does it matter if DSC let their Mum watch it - how does that further impact yiur household? Signing them out is petty and serves no purpose. It must make the DSC feel pushed from pillar to post. If you can't afford it, then none of you have it.

Not meaning to be as harsh to you as that sounds, just trying to consider from DSC perspective.

if he chooses differently to the choices you would make for your toddler

It is his toddler too.

How often do you actually have the 2 DSCs in the house?

Sorry yes I meant 'your' as in the toddler belonging to both of you!. The choices for the older children will be different though due to their age. The toddler won't be aware of/notice the economies, the older children will, so your DH has a different view.

It's up to him to make the financial decisions regarding them

I think this is too simplistic. It depends on other factors.

Are we talking about his own disposable/ personal money? Then yes (providing he also provides adequately for his toddler with OP from it i.e. he's not going out spending all his personal money on treats for some of his kids but not the other).

Or are we talking about bills/food/subscriptions that OP is expected to pay half of?

I pay half of all of our bills and food and things like that. My husband has two children from a previous relationship and we have one together. It certainly isn't just up to him to decide they can have extra long shower sessions or to decide we are spending X amount more on food because he doesn't want to tell DSC to cut back on snacking because those are bills I'm paying toward. If he wants to start paying more of the energy and food bill then fair enough but if I'm paying half then I expect an equal say not just 'they are my kids so I make the financial decisions for them'. If that was his attitude I'd be expecting him to pay more of the bills to cover that.

And I don't even necessarily agree with OP re the examples she's given (think 4 mins for a shower is a bit stingey and a bit of extra snacking not the end of the world) but I don't like the idea of it being his sole financial decision because they are HIS kids if OP is also expected to cover half of the bills we are talking about.

This has been answered - their father cares for them every other weekend. Four days a month. And on those days they have the gall and gumption to charge their phones and eat TWO snacks a day. Two snacks which could be a biscuit in the afternoon and a bag of crisps after tea. Which is apparently greedy and pushing the family into poverty.

Maybe OP could be honest with her husband about that then. ‘I don’t want to pay bills as a family anymore. Your kids are eating four or five snacks a month and I’m not paying for that, you need to pay for it.’ Of course he’ll need to pay for the Netflix they use four nights a month too - I’m sure op and her husband never ever use it, it’s just for the sc. They could set up some sort of housemate situation in which they pay for only what they use, and perhaps have separate labeled cupboards. Then op can stop resenting the small extra amount of money her SC are costing her in a few bags of crisps a month.

Gosh you're very invested Kanaloa.

My comment wasn't solely about OPs situation (I even went on to say I don't agree with her examples so calm down).

My only point was in reference to a previous poster's comment that his children are his sole financial decision. That doesn't really work if you're expecting someone else to contribute half to those decisions. If we're saying anything to do with his children is his sole financial decision then he should be paying everything for his children.

I wouldn't do that personally as the OP as I don't think the examples she's given are a big deal. But if I had a conversation with my husband about finances and his response was 'well they are my kids so it's my decision' whilst I was also paying half of whatever we were discussing I'd be telling him to pay for all of it then.

I mean you’re obviously invested too - but I’m not particularly vexed. Just think this is all so petty and not entirely about finances.

Honestly OP you say you are doing this belt tightening so that all kids are treated the same.

well your toddler has TWO parents every day.
Your SC sees their father Every other weekend.
What are you going to do to make that equality ????

The SC deserve to get extra treats, because they don't have both parents.

Oh FFS.

Indeed.

For many people it seems that SC genuinely are more important than resident children. Equality is a concept that only applies where it benefits the SC.

And other children should simply be grateful that they have a family. For the moment anyway.

Erm what? They do have both parents and they also get the added bonus of having me and their step dad. So if anything they have 4 adults who care about them?! This is a really bizarre argument.

cut back on the fruit juice, the fizzy drinks,

It is the washing machine that will use a lot of electricity but I doubt you are doing the SC massive laundry.

Why make it so miserable for them when they stay.

20 minute showers is enough.

eh..."They do have both parents and they also get the added bonus of having me and their step dad."

No, you are not the bonus, especially if they have a few snacks cut.

Your TODDLER has a life living with both his mother and father in the same house as one family unit.

Your SC have two parents who are seperated , and live in separate houses and the warm fuzzy feeling of having two parents as a kid will never happen again.

Your SC have a right to live in the house and eat what their dad gives them.
They will be his children forever; you may not be his wife forever. I can't believe you make such a big fuss over a few snacks.

Dad is the one who is trying to get us all to cut back, but every time a cut back will affect DSC he protests. This is unfair. That is the main point if this thread. Yes I see now some of the proposed cut backs are unnecessary but a long shower is not somehow compensation for their parents splitting up. They wouldn't have had the warm fuzzy feeling if their parents were still together as they were not in a happy relationship. Of course they have the right to live here and eat. The fuss isn't about the snacks, it is about my DH's refusal to make any cut backs that will affect the DSC in any way while the rest of the family is trying to be careful.

• Your toddler gets his parents full time so there is nothing that can ever be addressed to do with the SDC - they are not subject to any normal parenting rules and you owe them everything to make up for their parents splitting.

• They will be his kids forever and you won't be his wife forever (vaguely threatening and completely and utterly irrelevant)

Bingo!

They will be his kids forever and you won't be his wife forever (vaguely threatening and completely and utterly irrelevant)

I would also like to add pretty patronising as if I don't already realise people get divorced!

Not just you that owes them everything.

The toddler should be grateful that they’re allowed to exist at all. The can have a life framed as an apology to the SC for that existence.

I am sure that you and he both have your own "pocket money" to spend as you please. So ask him to use that to pay for the snacks. Cut back on his drinking etc

As for the SC parents not in a loving relationship, that might be the case, but it doesn't mean that the children feel that way. May be they hated each other but front of the kids they may have given them lots of love, and real love before the relationship deteriorated.

I think it would be good of you to sit down with your husband and make a list of cutbacks.

1. his cutbacks. 2. your cutbacks. 3. household cutbacks that affect everyone. 4. for the SC , snacks but can you find cheaper.

They will be his kids forever and you won't be his wife forever (vaguely threatening and completely and utterly irrelevant)

These days, so many kids are going NC, that it's a complete toss up which relationship will last longer. However, the kids won't be caring for him on a daily basis when he gets old, and the SM might. So you can push that button all you like, but self-interest may well prevail.

Okay well in that case bring that up to him for sure! When he says your child can’t have any snacks of course say ‘okay we will no longer buy any snacks.’ Or buy an amount per family member per month and that’s it, so it’s totally equal. But the issue here is that I think you’re trying to stop him being unfair while being unfair yourself - ie wanting the kids not to eat snacks or charge iPads. Sit down and budget together. Make sure he’s cutting back himself, not just nagging you.

I would wonder if this maybe comes from him being a bit of a dick. Why can you only give your child one shallow bath a week? Is this his idea while his older children shower for 30 mins? I think if he’s the one moaning at you for bathing the baby this is a big big issue. But the problem isn’t the stepkids eating a few snacks and having a shower. It’s a mean DH.

Indeed.

There’s also the fact that, by deciding that the relationship with his wife doesn’t matter, it’s really not a given that the younger child will continue to live with its parents.

maybe men should actually work
harder at maintaining good relationships with their second wives for the sake of the children he has with her. Rather than acting like she is disposable and the relationship doesn’t matter.

After all, he knew he had children in a relationship that had broken down when he decided to start a new relationship and have more children. The toddler is also his child and surely, if having divorced parents is so awful for his other children, he should be doing all he can to ensure his youngest child is protected from that.

Deciding that the SC must be prioritised because just living with the toddler is enough is to risk a second divorce.