Cost of living- DSC edition

[buzzbuzzybuzz]

I am annoyed. DH has decided we need to cut back on our energy use and spending. And I agree. However I suggest things like - limit all showers to 5 minutes if washing hair, 4 if not and I just get "but the DSC aren't here very often they don't use much". They do. They charge all their devices, 2 tablets, 2 phones, a smart watch. They watch netflix and "can't take it in turns" tough, 1 screen is all we need They can learn to share.

Then tonight, the final straw, I have some money put aside to take my DC out to a local attraction, nothing big, we aren't talking disney land here people, but I want to go. And I get "oh but I always wanted to take the DSC there" WELL TOUGH I want to scream, you haven't, you've had 5+ years to take them and you haven't. So either I'm taking DC by myself or you can come. I'm not paying twice the cost for the DSC.

Apologies for the slightly incoherent rant, I have tried to edit it to tidy it up a bit.

I think there are a couple of things going on here - I understand wanting to make sure everyone "pulls their weight" so to speak when it comes to saving money. It's not fair for everyone else to be limited and some people enjoying things others can't have. But the other side of that is it's the balancing act of not making visiting so awful that they don't want to come, and also that, while I can see you don't mean it to sound that way, quite a lot of your posts make it sound like you really resent the children. There's a balance that's somewhere between having a 20-30 minute shower and making someone standing cold and wet in the bathroom with the shower off while their conditioner soaks in...equally I wash myself while my conditioner soaks - I have timed it and a shower takes me about 7 minutes including washing my hair and doesn't feel incredibly rushed - maybe the answer is 10 minutes for hair washing? It would still 1/2 or 1/3 the price but no one is having to rush so a shower can still be a nice thing.

The same applies to most money saving measures. Obviously if one is literally totally brassic then there is no other choice, but as a rule things that are fairly cheap but brighten up your day (netflix, a bag of crisps etc) seem like a good deal when one can no longer afford bigger treats like days out etc.

The deal with the SC and the day out would really irritate me though.

If it's all about being equal and the SC needing to do their bit then surely it should also be equal on days out etc, regardless if that is going to cost more?

If it's all about being equal and the SC needing to do their bit then surely it should also be equal on days out etc, regardless if that is going to cost more?

o/p is not stopping them. She is taking her dc with her personal money. If her dh wants to take his dc he needs to get off his arse and sort it.

And the cutting back (for everyone else) was the DH’s idea…

DH has decided we need to cut back on our energy use and spending

I'd personally let the showers, charging and TV go as it's not often they stay with you. Although tbf I'd probably be hurrying along anyone who had a 20-30 min shower in our house because I think it's unnecessary and the steam leads to damp if not well ventilated.

However I totally get you re the snacks. It depends what they are. I know because my own husband does this.

Whenever DSC stay (and it's more than EOW in our case), he can go and spend £15-£20 a time in the shop on "treats" for them. It's fine as a one off and obviously every now and then I may do the same for our DC but not multiple times a month/week. It's unnecessary. We have food at home, it may not be exactly what they want but it's fine and it's there if they are hungry. They don't need £15 worth of snacks all the time. We aren't too bad financially fortunately but I can totally see me saying that needs to stop if we were struggling. It's stupid and is just trying to make their time here "fun" but it's not family life.

You can't apply the same rules for everyone because they are very different ages. You have to apply the rules appropriately and according to their respective age.

30 mins is too long for a shower but 4 mins is ridiculous. Meet them half way.

I sense that there's a significant underlying tension somewhere here. I'm definitely not anti step mother. My own children have a wonderful step mother who I am happy to have in their lives. But there was a little dig about your SC's mum earlier and I just wonder whether there's a lot more to things.

Oh and I don't see the problem with cutting to the basic Netflix package either. Families up and down the country are doing the same thing, cutting on subscriptions where they can etc.. it may not seem important to some because it's "just" and extra fiver or whatever but seriously, just count yourself lucky you aren't having to consider every possible way of saving like this.

Them having to share Netflix is not a hardship and then being step children doesn't make it one.

Thank you yes this is the situation with the day out.

But there was a little dig about your SC's mum earlier and I just wonder whether there's a lot more to things. where was the dig please? She does a great job.

I didn’t say every time he was in the house - I said twice a month. Which is how often these kids are in their father’s house. And yes, they are family. To me, it’s normal family life to allow your children treats every other weekend.

And they can have them! Just they can cut back like everyone else in their family who lives in this house.

You said they don’t need fancy snacks - they can eat fruit. You were talking about cutting out, not cutting back. Look, I’m all for cutting back but that’s not what this is about - I think you resent that your husband treats the step kids differently and want to make a point by making them join in this ‘cutting back’ that involves them having extremely short timed showers, not watching TV separately and not charging devices. But the fact is that your husband cares for his children a tiny tiny amount of the time and you want to make it miserable for that tiny amount of time.

But if you are so so much on the poverty line that a child charging an iPad and having four bags of crisps a month is pushing you over the edge then speak to your husband about it, tell him you simply cannot afford these things, and let him see how he’s going to proceed. I would think if he’s on NMW working an extra hour a week should provide for his children in the small amount of time he cares for them.

involves them having extremely short timed showers 4-5 minutes isn't short

I don't think it matters how often someone is there. No one needs 40 minute showers or to make their way through 4 bags of Christmas and multipacks of chocolate bars in one day/weekend. The fact that probably equals the amount OP/her DH/their child may have throughout the month is really neither here nor there. It's unnecessary.

My DSC stay a few nights less than 50:50. I don't expect them to make up for that by going through unnecessary amounts of food when they are here just so they have had as much as we have by the end of the month. We live here all the time, they don't. Which is exactly why we pay maintenance to contribute toward their food/bills/whatever else at their mums home.

When they are here they can eat the same as everyone else (doesn't have to mean literally the same things, but not excessively like no one else in our family does).

Same with showers. I'm not limiting to 4 minutes because I think that's OTT but no one in our house needs a 30-40 minute shower. I don't give a shit how often you stay, it doesn't matter. We don't do that here, none of us. If their mum wants to allow that at hers that's up to her.

I'm assuming OPs husband pays maintenance. So he is contributing to their food and other things whilst they aren't with him.

4 bags of crisps not Christmas ha.

Of course it is.

As I say upthread, I totally get the snack thing because my husband does it too. He spends more money on unnecessary snacks for DSC every time they stay and they make their way through it every time. It's a silly waste of money and if I were looking to seriously cut back, that would be one of the first things I'd suggest.

He annoys me himself with it sometimes. He'll come in and eat 3 bags of crisps in one sitting or grab 3 kit kats in one go. It's annoying because the more he has in one go the sooner they need replacing and that isn't free. No one NEEDS 3 bags of crisps a day and so on. It's wasteful.

It is every time they’re in the house if they’re there EOW. 🙄

Anywhere else on MN people would be insisting that loading kids up on junk food snacks was poor parenting. But through the stepparenting looking glass it seems that love must be shown in chocolate and crisps.

Great comment, nice to see some common sense on this thread!

It's crazy.

So by some weird logic if your DSC stay EOW it would be fine for them to go through a multibag of crisps in that time because your family has had that many over the course of a full month so it's only fair..? What?

No. DSC should be eating like everyone else does. That may mean a bit more food if they are teens, fine but it doesn't mean it's fine for them to 'make up' because they aren't there all the time by eating more than necessary meaning OPs family is having to spend money on replacing good more often than they otherwise would.

Ops husband makes a financial contribution toward their food the rest of the time via maintenance, he doesn't need to make up for anything when they do stay by giving them more than necessary of his families as well. (I'm assuming the maintenance because he obviously should be paying it).

Wash your hair over the bath or in the sink. It will save you water and energy as you can turn the water off between shampoo and conditioner.

it’s a waste it just pouring down the drain whilst you wait your 5 minutes.

Isn’t 4 mins the recommended length of time for a shower from water boards?

It probably is. Personally I'd prefer a bit longer but half an hour is taking the piss imo. If you want to relax for that long have a bath. Showers aren't for long relaxing washes imo. As you say, it's just wasted going down the drain.

Typical and reasonable for me would be 10 mins to wash my hair, wash myself and shave legs or something. I don't know what you'd be doing in the shower for 30-40 mins other than just standing there which isn't necessary and is wasteful.

It probably is. Personally I'd prefer a bit longer but half an hour is taking the piss imo. If you want to relax for that long have a bath. Showers aren't for long relaxing washes imo. As you say, it's just wasted going down the drain.

Typical and reasonable for me would be 10 mins to wash my hair, wash myself and shave legs or something. I don't know what you'd be doing in the shower for 30-40 mins other than just standing there which isn't necessary and is wasteful.

Do you let the DSC use your Netflix account where they are not with you, so they are getting a full months value each month ?

No we do not as their mum nicks it.

It was this bit