Cost of living- DSC edition

[buzzbuzzybuzz]

I am annoyed. DH has decided we need to cut back on our energy use and spending. And I agree. However I suggest things like - limit all showers to 5 minutes if washing hair, 4 if not and I just get "but the DSC aren't here very often they don't use much". They do. They charge all their devices, 2 tablets, 2 phones, a smart watch. They watch netflix and "can't take it in turns" tough, 1 screen is all we need They can learn to share.

Then tonight, the final straw, I have some money put aside to take my DC out to a local attraction, nothing big, we aren't talking disney land here people, but I want to go. And I get "oh but I always wanted to take the DSC there" WELL TOUGH I want to scream, you haven't, you've had 5+ years to take them and you haven't. So either I'm taking DC by myself or you can come. I'm not paying twice the cost for the DSC.

Apologies for the slightly incoherent rant, I have tried to edit it to tidy it up a bit.

So you don’t want them to wash their hair properly then? Seeing as it’s advised to massage shampoo into hair for 1-3 mins depending on thickness and then leaving in conditioner for a minimum of 3?

You’re nitpicking to find ways to spite them.

They can turn the shower off in between if they want to wait and they use two in one shampoo and conditioner. Not all hair is the same. If it comes to it and it's an issue we can get them leave in conditioner.

Okay well do you and dad drive? Do you have showers longer than 5 minutes? Do you smoke, drink, buy treats for yourself? I of course presume you NEVER have fancy snacks since you can ‘just eat fruit.’ Because I know for sure if I was telling my kids to ‘just eat fruit’ because they were never allowed a treat, I wouldn’t even be thinking of a takeaway EVER. And if I couldn’t afford for my kids to have a fancy snack twice a month it would be a cold day in hell before I got anything expensive for myself.

No I do not.
He does - to pick them up and drop them back mostly.
I did used to go up to 10 if shaving my legs but have managed to get it down to 4-5 minutes yes.
No I don't smoke. The treats I buy myself are what? 1 a week, not 2-3 a day.
And yes we are not having takeaway ever - have you seen the prices?!

Honestly, if you can’t afford for two children to shower for more than a brief few minutes four times a month, you really need to double-up on contraception.

So you have treats once a week but the kids can’t have them twice a month? There’s your issue.

Ok thanks yes contraception is all sorted thank you and what do we do about the existing 3 children in the household?

Of course they can! They can't have them 2-3 times a day though, there's fruit they can eat and say 1 of the packets of crisps or the chocolate. No need to eat so unhealthily just because its only every other weekend.

We don't have 2 tvs. They like to watch netflix at the same time. This means we have to get the more expensive package for the sake of 2 weekends a month.

You really don't have to get the more expensive Netflix package. You could just all watch the same things. You might choose to pay for the more expensive package so you can watch something different two weekends a month.

Do you let the DSC use your Netflix account where they are not with you, so they are getting a full months value each month ?

Two or three times a day spread out across the month is about the same as you’re having. If the issue is health and you’re concerned about the children’s overall diet that’s different but if you can’t afford two bags of crisps and two chocolate bars every two weeks then you and your husband can’t afford treats for yourself either.

I agree. It comes across ( though hope this is not the case) that you resent them a bit.
Fruit? Wtf This is often more expensive than chocolate or a cheap 6 pack of Aldis finest cheese and onion.

But OP it's bound to be different. Can you imagine only seeing your children every other weekend. Of course you want to make things nice - totally different to seeing them every day.

A toddler needs so much less than older children. Don't set up a comparison that makes you feel bad when it's unnecessary.

I'd be thinking as it's only two weekends a month thankfully we can economise without impacting on them. Brilliant.

No we do not as their mum nicks it. We could all watch the same thing but that is the apparent issue. The two DSC do not want to share they want to watch different things at the same time.

Asking myself the same thing….

Thats the point. I'm having say 1 or 2 treats a week. They are having 2-3 a day for 6 days a month. They don't need that many, we can cut back there. We can afford eg. two packets of crisps and two chocolate bars for them. But 2-3 a day for every day is ridiculous.

Ok I kind of see this yes. Can the being nice be scaled back a bit though?! Or is it like they must not ever be affected?

As usual SM is bad.
I think OPs point is that her DH expects her to cut back but not for the perfect important children.
Either everyone is on board with economising or it's business as usual.
Typical Disney dad crap.

For snacks, instead of buying chocolate bars (£1 for 5?) buy packets of supermarket biscuitsc chocolate bourbons or custard creams or whatever (40p for about 20) - they still get snacks that aren’t fruit and it costs pennies. Or teach them to make cookies, they’re so cheap to make, or cornflake/rice crispie cakes.

The shower thing, unless you have an electric shower saving a couple of minutes will make next to no difference on cost. If they’re old enough to be having 30 minute showers they’re old enough for a grown up conversation about it - just tell them you’re trying to save some money, sure they’ve seen the cost of living crisis going on so please can you try and keep your showers short. Save more money by buying bars of soap and shampoo bars instead of bottles of shower gel and shampoo.

Netflix is a non issue - you have the account you have, they can’t watch what isn’t there. Much like my kid regularly complains that we can’t watch ninjago because we don’t have sky, tough really isn’t it because we don’t have it!!

Involve them in a conversation on what you could cut back on - they’ll be less likely to resent you for imposing rules and more likely to understand the reason and therefore stick to it

I am very fond of them, the eldest has a great attitude and I'm sure they are going to go far in whatever they decide to so with their life. And the youngest is very talented and I assist with one of their hobbies and we have a great time.

Hello @MakeWayMoana I just wanted to say thank you for your post as it makes a lot of sense when I think about my DSC, we need to include them in this conversation. They could even help choose something cheaper if dad can manage to get them out to the shop.

Or for snacks give them a budget per weekend between them and tell them to decide what they want between them and you’ll get it in. You’ve got £5 for snacks from asda, look online and tell me what you want and I’ll add it to the shop.,

If you bought two treats a week they would still be eating the same amount!!! Because their father only cares for them four days a week!

But as you said you can afford it. So it’s not really about money, because any money saved from four bags of crisps a month is going to be negligible.

All the comments going on about how it's reasonable to overcompensate as much as the parent wants to because the SC are not there much and the parent feels guilty sound more ridiculous than OPs proposed measures, tbh.

It's obvious that there's common sense to be applied and a middle ground to be found. I wouldn't be standing outside the shower door timing 5 minutes exactly, but a 20-30 minute shower is more than anyone needs. It might be closer to some 10 days but 20, and certainly 30, is ridiculous. If the household can only afford a certain amount of fancy snacks for most of the month, then that should continue when they're there. And the fancy Netflix is an obvious thing to cut back on.

Nothing OP is talking about it rocket science, or punitive. A lot of people need to get a grip.

I don't think so. Maybe about the trip but the rest is nit picking.

It’s the NRP animal farm model of stepfamilies: everyone is equal, but SC are more equal. It’s extremely frustrating and breeds resentment.

#notallstepfamilies

OP, it sounds like you really don’t have much experience or understanding of teenagers. It’s normal they want to watch different things on Netflix at the same time.

You seem rigid and unfeeling about this. Saying you can get them leave in conditioner to save on costs… I’d be tempted to tell you to fuck off if you were my partner and suggested that to me for my kids.

Why are you taking about “we” in terms of paying for music lessons and yet the money for you taking your toddler to an attraction comes out of your money you don’t put in the joint account?

Maybe your DH needs to keep more money back from the joint account in order to spend it on his eldest.