Cost of living- DSC edition

[buzzbuzzybuzz]

I am annoyed. DH has decided we need to cut back on our energy use and spending. And I agree. However I suggest things like - limit all showers to 5 minutes if washing hair, 4 if not and I just get "but the DSC aren't here very often they don't use much". They do. They charge all their devices, 2 tablets, 2 phones, a smart watch. They watch netflix and "can't take it in turns" tough, 1 screen is all we need They can learn to share.

Then tonight, the final straw, I have some money put aside to take my DC out to a local attraction, nothing big, we aren't talking disney land here people, but I want to go. And I get "oh but I always wanted to take the DSC there" WELL TOUGH I want to scream, you haven't, you've had 5+ years to take them and you haven't. So either I'm taking DC by myself or you can come. I'm not paying twice the cost for the DSC.

Apologies for the slightly incoherent rant, I have tried to edit it to tidy it up a bit.

OP, it sounds like you really don’t have much experience or understanding of teenagers. It’s normal they want to watch different things on Netflix at the same time.

Yes and it's also perfectly normal for parents to say no to this if they can't afford it.

Another point on the showers, they may be more economical and better for the planet than your toddler’s baths. Swings and roundabouts.

I didn’t say it was all stepfamilies. But the DH here is applying the animal farm philosophy. Everyone cuts back, except the SC. And that is frustrating if you have to live with it.

Taking 4 minute showers yourself every single day and rationing your child’s bathing, but having the SC arrive to spend 30 mins in the shower is favouring them. Same with snacks being unlimited for the SC but limited for everyone else. If there’s economising you be done, everyone shares in it. And it sounds like things are tight if it’s down to considering 4 or 5 minute showers.

Teenagers might want to do a lot of things, but for various reasons not be able to. Only having the basic Netflix and having to share it is not a Cinderella tale. 🙄

I help pay for the music lessons as I want to.

(Presumably someone can twist that into me hating them somehow).

@aSofaNearYou @SudocremOnEverything thank you I feel heard.

I think you’re getting a hard time as they are step children. What you actually seem to be asking for is for everyone in the house to be treated equally. You’re cutting back across the board and it’s really not fair to have 2 members of the household that are not as well.

Do I agree with your shower time limit of 4-5 mins - nope. But do I now limit the time my own children spend in the shower - yes. Previously I didn’t care now I do.

Limiting pricey snacks when you don’t have a load of spare cash is sensible. They are expensive and unhealthily. I’m doing the same with myself and the kids. Less for money but more about health.

And not everyone can afford a Netflix account with more than one user at at time. Sometimes people have to share. I would say though if they already have the tech don’t limit it for the sake of money spent charging the tech but if one is on Netflix the other can use another app.

If they special treatment isn’t address then as your toddler gets older they’ll with feel like the second class citizen in comparison whereas everyone should feel equal.

No you didn't say it was all stepfamilies, you said it was the NRP model. Which implies all NRP families. I get you're exaggerating for effect but it's tiresome as a lot of NRP families don't run that way. A lot of parents and step-parents are better than that.

Why are you mentioning "rationing your child's bathing"? The OP didn't say she was doing this. Her toddler could be bathing in champagne for all we know.

As for snacks - unless the toddler is snacking on chocolate bars and crisps then there's going to be a big difference between their snacking and that of the DSC's anyways. Same for adults. Most adults don't snack as much as teenagers do, and they don't need to do it as much as teenagers do because they don't need as many calories. It's not comparable.

For me though, it's that they're there 4 days a month most of the time. The least the father can do is let them have a a long shower or extra snack now and again.

I agree that having the basic Netflix and having to share is not a Cinderella tale.

The toddler isn’t going to feel like a second class citizen because their older sibling had a shower, a bag of crisps and a bar of chocolate twice a month. Unless they live a literally impoverished life.

I also would try to involve them in the discussion, perhaps taking an enviromental angle as well in terms of the showers and although I would avoid the 4 min shower maybe suggest keeping showers to 5-10 mins. Presumably their mother is also trying to cut back a little on costs and I imagine they will hear about it in school.

No you didn't say it was all stepfamilies, you said it was the NRP model. Which implies all NRP families. I get you're exaggerating for effect but it's tiresome as a lot of NRP families don't run that way. A lot of parents and step-parents are better than that.

I said the NRP animal farm model. That does not necessarily generalise.

It’s not all NRPs, but it is usually specific to NRPs.

There’s a difference.

For me though, it's that they're there 4 days a month most of the time. The least the father can do is let them have a a long shower or extra snack now and again.

You're saying "not all NRP families" then literally advocating for acting exactly like one of those NRP families. Nothing can ever be a bit much because "they're not there all the time, it's the least you can do". In reality nobody needs a half an hour shower, especially with the rest of the house drastically cutting back. It's selfish and excessive, how often they are there doesn't really come into it. That's a really long shower.

Also, I'm pretty sure teenagers do not need more calories than adults.

Just on the Netflix: on the basic package you should be able to stream live on one device and download and watch offline on another - sp both could watch different things at the same time doing this.

There are different ways to get extra calories. It doesn’t have to be sweets, crisps and chocolate.

My teenager eats far more than me. He’s growing like a bloody weed. And he does a lot of sport. So I bulk out meals with extra veg/carbs and ensure there’s an extra portion for him to have his second dinner (a regular feature). Or I keep a pot of soup available for him to eat if he’s hungry. I don’t just buy loads of snack foods, but he’s got plenty to eat.

Fair enough @SudocremOnEverything

But the model doesn't apply here.

The toddler is presumably exempt from budgeting.

The OP is comparing the DSCs to herself when she talks about equality for showers and snacks which is rather petulant and illogical because (a) they're teenagers and she's an adults and (c) she's there every day and (b) the DSC are NOT there most days.

The only "treating them nicely"/them being special or exempt the OP talks about in terms of them getting extra than her is them having a 20 minute shower a few times a month and 4 chocolate bars a month each. That's pathetic. She included the charging as the main 'offence' by the DSC but was soon put right about that.

The OP is serious about budgeting and has been reading threads about it, yet did not know the cost of charging your phone is negligible. That suggests she's driven here much more by irrational emotion than facts, and isn't particularly knowledgable about budgeting.

It's ambiguous but sounds like the Netflix package has already been purchased anyway. If she wants to go back to the basic package then that would be a way of budgeting sure. I'm not sure how her and her DH can both let the boys watch things on separate screens AND not let them use it when they are not at the OP's house. This doesn't make sense to me, as if they're using separate screens ie their devices then they'll have the password saved in that, unless they have to ask the OP/her husband to input it each time, which sounds a bit tortured for all.

I wet my hair and body in shower then turn it off while lathering up shampoo and soaping body. Then turn it back on to rinse everything off

Great tip.

Also your username - are you my dog?

Nope, I'm my dog 🤣

And you wouldn’t allow him to have a snack once every two weeks? Or a shower longer than 5 minutes? You’d just tell him to have a bowl of soup instead of ever having a treat?

That’s not normal. To begrudge your step kids a couple of chocolate bars when they see their father twice a month is petty and weird. And op is obviously just looking for anything to pin on them. Oh they charge their iPads! They shower too long! They eat too many snacks!

They visit twice a month! Cutting back on their snacks and showers and saving £6 per on Netflix is not going to make a huge difference financially. It’s silly to act like this is all over finances. It’s obviously not.

Do you know they may be your best allies. I have a teen very interested in reducing energy consumption we recently got an energy reading kit from local library that identified vampire energy suckers.

So I say talk to them let them take a little supported lead, excellent learning opportunity and it changes the tone. I think you are well intentioned but your op reads a little off as in they need to share the suffering 😉

In reality nobody needs a half an hour shower, especially with the rest of the house drastically cutting back. It's selfish and excessive, how often they are there doesn't really come into it. That's a really long shower. this is what I was trying to get at thank you.

And no my toddler doesn't bathe in champagne. They get 1 or 2 shallow baths a week.

They are only here 4-6 days in a usual month so why do we feed them a weeks worth of snacks here? Presumably they have snacks at mums, and I seriously doubt she lets them eat the quantity that dad does as she's not a Disney mum and knows that level of consumption is unhealthy.

I think you are well intentioned but your op reads a little off as in they need to share the suffering it was meant to come across as if we are one family then yes they should be treated the same. If we've all been cutting back as much as we can all month then why should they then be allowed really long showers?

And you wouldn’t allow him to have a snack once every two weeks? Or a shower longer than 5 minutes? You’d just tell him to have a bowl of soup instead of ever having a treat?

It’s food. If he’s hungry he has plenty of food to eat. I don’t spend my life snacking on crisps and chocolate either. I don’t routinely have either in the house. Never have. I’d frame a treat for him as taking him climbing or something. He gets crap to eat occasionally - but I don’t think packets or crisps and chocolate bars every time he’s in the house is a great idea.

And i don’t monitor how long anyone in my house showers. But I don’t have to. If the OP is worrying about this stuff, I suspect her budget is tighter than mine (it might not be smaller - but her household may have more expenses).

They visit twice a month!

I thought the official MN telling an OP on SP off position was ‘it’s their home’. I guess if she wants to treat them as members of the household, then she must be reminded that they are honoured visitors to whom the standard rules don’t apply.

Mumsnet: stepchildren should be treated exactly the same, they are family, not guests and it is their home.

also Mumsnet: dads should stop “Disney dadding” and making out like they’re the best, most fun parent. Kids need discipline and it’s not fair on mum when they get away with everything at dads and she has to set boundaries when they get back.

also mumsnet: eww not showering twice a day is grim, you can be in and out in 3 minutes, including all leg shaving/hair washing…

also mumsnet: oh but they’re only there 4 days a month, just give them everything they want.never mind the rest of you are cutting back to save money and going without, why should they have to. It won’t cost you that much more…20 minute showers, posh food, whatever.

o/p there is nothing wrong with treating your sdc as family members, and subjecting them to the same rules as everyone else. I also agree if he wants to take the sdc to said attraction he gets off his arse and sorts it.