Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

[Bedroom192]

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

Who said she's not kind to them? That's a huge speculation. It seems her attitude isn't towards them, it's towards the eldest's attitude and whining and her husband who wants to give in to it.
Her frustrations on this topic don't correlate to the rest of their lives.

Because you said you don't have 3 children you have 1 child. I was with you until you made that comment.

You won't be any great loss to the OP then, since this is nothing but non offensive reality.

Because you said you don't have 3 children you have 1 child. I was with you until you made that comment.

She does have 1 child though. There are 3 children in the family unit but only 1 of them is hers. I always wonder why people find this so offensive when it’s just a fact. The other two children are her husband’s children who he shares with another woman. Again, just a fact.

Stick to your guns Op.

Only on this site is it against a kids human rights for siblings to share a room.
Your dh being an arse
Oldest dss is trying it on - tell him to jog on

“I don't have 3 children, I have 1.“ lady that is a super fucked up thing to say. Coming from a step child who’s stepparents feel the same way as you do about your step kids: fuck you. That shit hurts so deeply and it stays with you for a very long time. You better hope your kid or either of those kids who aren’t yours never hears that from you bc you will scar them. You might treat them with kindness to their faces but to say that you don’t have 3 kids, only 1 isn’t kind at all.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience growing up but you need to work out your issues without taking them out on random strangers. Step parents do only have the children they have, their step children are not their own. It doesn't mean they can't treat the step children well, but if someone failed you growing up, be that your step parent treating you badly or your parents not noticing you couldn't handle the situation they were putting you in, it wasn't because your step parent admitted you weren't their child. That is just a fact.

Being exposed to simple, neutral facts and truths about their own family relationships is not what fucks kids up.
Nobody gets upset if their granny doesn't claim to be their auntie, nobody's heart shatters when their cousin turns out not to be their uncle. If they do, it's because they have been lead to believe certain things, have certain expectations of that person, and it was a nasty shock when they found out it wasn't true.
It's much deeper than knowing the woman your dad married isn't your mother.

It is... Literally a fact. Why do facts scar you so badly?

@Drobinson1055 I'm sorry what has op put that makes her sound like the evil step mother of Cinderella ?

And because she's so evil that's why they don't tidy there room 😵‍💫 can't be kids being kids ... just wow

And the people saying it's not messed up are ignorant. When you marry someone with kids it's your responsibility to treat those kids with respect and op sounds like she despises them and I'm pretty sure the kids are picking up on it. She should've married a single man. Why do people nowadays think it's okay to treat other people like shit? Because those people are heartless and ignorant, lol. You know who you are.

Heh, you were a stepkid weren't you?

Wow some of these comments are shocking! Some of you 'ladies' need to give your head a wobble, totally over the top and unnecessary.

OP if you haven't disappeared crying in a corner at these nasty comments yet - for what it's worth I think you are being totally reasonable and you should stick to your guns.

Why should DSS's wants/ needs trump DS's needs? Bedrooms have clearly already been established and sound perfectly reasonable, you can't evict DS from his bedroom because his brother wants it.
Can you imagine the outcry on MN if it was the other way round? Why are the resident children's needs & feelings often ignored in these posts?

Why are the resident children's needs & feelings often ignored in these posts?

I'd guess it's because the poster is triggered and is using MN to vent their childhood pain instead of taking it to a counsellor. They want to invent a bad guy so they can give them a 'well-deserved' kicking, because the source of their pain is out of reach.

Oh calm down, you've put forth absolutely no evidence to support this reading of OP and it doesn't exist.

So their mom never gets a break - wonderful idea.

Don't feel like you need to hold back

pitchforks - slightly patronising and re iterating my point. I was not in a blended family and had to share - so I get this is not a blended family issue.

My issue here is the number of SMs who are so rude about the feelings of the DSC on this subject. Like the SM they are allowed to feel slighted and upset and want something different but the reality is it ill not change.
Does not make this child entitled, selfish - they will suck it up but the wording of posters on here and the way the OP expresses herself are quite rude to a person who is still developing an learning that fair is not always fair and life is not always easy.

And yes for some kids it will have lasting effects into their adult lives.
What goes on in their mothers house is irrelevant it is how their fathers house handles the subject.

I still don't think OP should change the rooms

You should also be finding a way to afford a house where each of your three children between you can have their own room.

Haw, haw, haw.

Maybe the mother should find a way to have a 4 bedroom house so that each of her children can have a room to themselves?

I was writing back to OP suggested that she has afforded a house for her DS to have his own bedroom, therefore her husband should solely find the money for an upgrade to a four bed. It would help if you'd quoted the full thing, not the bit you found funny by itself without context.

@lookluv My issue here is the number of SMs who are so rude about the feelings of the DSC on this subject. Like the SM they are allowed to feel slighted and upset and want something different but the reality is it ill not change.
Does not make this child entitled, selfish - they will suck it up but the wording of posters on here and the way the OP expresses herself are quite rude to a person who is still developing an learning that fair is not always fair and life is not always easy.

In your opinion. I don't lump sms with a brush of they are all rude about their DSC on this topic and actually I haven't seen any rudeness tbh iMO

This isn't a blended issue your spot on, and frankly with any child teaching them money is a constraint is a good thing and also the lesson life isn't fair. I don't care if they are DSC or DC that's a lesson if not taught when children, will be a nasty shock as adults.

I'm not gonna report that comment but can we lay off the personal attacks please. We should be able to have a discussion without doing that 👋🏻

@Bedroom192

What would you do if you had another baby? Would you say that your eldest needs the stepkids room?

I don't see a problem in your little one having their own room. Or they need to share a room.

I wonder how you OH would feel if he saw your post here. I personally think you be a single mum soon.

I do believe that in some cases the two eldest need their own space. Someone I know got 3 bedroom. The two eldest boys have their own room. But the girl has to share with the mum. I did think it was unfair on the girl but saying that can see why it's done this way.

Do they always fight? So they have any additional needs?

If they do then that would need to be considered and think you have to get a 4 bedroom house. If they don't then maybe discuss with the eldest why he finds it hard sharing. I think separating the room a good idea.
I think if something not done I am afraid the 13 year old will say they not visiting their father and it will upset him. I think best option could be looking at a bigger house. Or set them up in lounge or dining.
I do think you need to be careful how you come across.

@Bedroom192

Not sure how how lounge is but could you set the eldest two where they sleep in the bedroom and lounge. Get a sofa bed and 1 week eldest has his and 2 week the 11yr of has it.
In the day like you want you lounge back you can get you OH to take the them out. So really they not just there playing games all day stuck together in one room. They are there to spend time with their father.
I think you OH should spend some time with his two on his own. Your ds sees him all week. Sunday a day for all of you.
So Saturdays all they really doing is coming back from a long day out tired with their dad straight to bed. One in the bedroom and one in the lounge. But rules need to be set.