Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

[Bedroom192]

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

Your husband does not have the luxury of thinking of just 1 child

No he doesn't. I never said he did.

Do DSC live with you? I think if it's their main home then sharing a room will cause arguments and make them feel like second class. If they are only there EOW they can suck it up.
A 3 year old sharing a room with an 11 year old isn't going to work .
Your DH needs to decorate their room so it feels special, not themed clearly but put as much time and effort in as was put in for their siblings room so they feel equally valued. Longer term if they live with you then maybe a bigger house might be needed. Dividing the room would only work if each new room had a window.
Clearly you want the best for your own DC but it's tricky as you married someone who already had kids.

I think you are right with the room situation, however think you are unreasonable to say your DSC are not your children in a way that you don't think you should consider them and it should be your husband.

If you read my post I did say that I agree with your main reasoning about the rooms. I’m not disagreeing with that. I just think your third reason is a bit sad. Yes you have one biological child but you also have 2 stepchildren who live with you 50% of the time. My stepmother treated us all the same even though she too paid half of the mortgage and bills.

Sounds like DC13 is trying his luck as he knows fine well he’s not going to get his own room at his mum’s. Stick to your guns OP, it’s not practical at either house.

The fact that you are even discussing this crazy suggestion is a bad sign.

I consider them a lot in daily life. But I won't consider their needs / wants over and above what I think is best for my son no.

What's your h going to do when dc11 inevitably wants the same? Sharing with a 13yo makes more sense than sharing with a 3yo and not being able to use the room at night.

Your reasoning is 100% correct imo. Is there a way to divide the room so both get some privacy ?

Yanbu, mainly due to the age gap and one child spending more time there. My dds still.share now they're adults when they come back from uni, and have the same 2 year age gap.

I also don’t understand why it’s not up to you to consider how to decorate your DSC room. Surely it’s your and your DH home so the 2 of you together decided how to decorate and the 2 of you arrange for it to be done. It sounds like you’ve decorated your whole house together and gone “there, that’ll do” for the DSC and said not my kids I’ll just not bother

@Soontobe60 that’s a ridiculous suggestion, why should they do different weeks?

@Bedroom192 the only solution is the partition suggested up thread. Your DH needs to sort this order he can organise a move / extension / conversion.

But you are saying you only have one child and acting like anything to do with DSC is down to your husband alone.

Like another poster - I have said I agree with you for keeping the children in the rooms they are currently in. It's just your reasoning in saying they are not yours so it's not up to you that I find a bit harsh. Hopefully it's not like that in real life and DSC don't also feel that

It's completely bonkers to expect an 11 year old to share with a 3 year old just because a 13 year old says they want their own room.

It's perfectly reasonable for the 13 year old to desperately want their own space but it just can't happen if there are no rooms spare.

I completely agree with you but at the same time I'd do something to make the dsc room nicer.

Can you both afford an extension? If so this would solve the issue while improving the value of your house.
I have a lot of sympathy for the 13 year old - both his parents have had more kids, to his detriment really - I would have hated sharing a room. But this isn't your fault or your problem to fix.

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely.

So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Start here. If it’s always been a sore point that youngest got something older DC didn’t (time & effort) then fix this first.

DC13, it’s not possible for you to have your own room, because the age gap with DC3 is too big and you’re at different stages. So you and your brother need to share. But we totally hear what you are saying about having your own space that’s all yours and want to help. How can we divide you z& your brother’s room so that it feels more private?

yanbu.
They are here 50%of the time. Too big an age gap for sharing a room with DC. Stand your ground on this!!

The way to look at it and to present it to your DH is to consider how you’d handle it if all three boys were your children.

You’d surely come to the same conclusion: 11 and 13yo share as the age difference is five for them to do so. The 11yo sharing with the 3yo makes things harder for both the 11yo and 3yo, although more the 11yo.

Put aside your points of wanting an lovely room for your son and him being your priority; it’ll come across as emotive. If you stick to the practicalities it’s purely logical so your DH will have a harder time arguing with you.

Personally I think the two eldest being SC is a bit of a red herring.

The issue is the ages of the children and even if they were full siblings it's just not fair on the youngest and the middle child to share.

Their needs simply aren't

Do you have attic space? You don’t need a full on attic conversion if you don’t use it as a bedroom, just as extra space. Or room for a teen shed in the garden?

I think you just need to properly hear the eldest and empathise it's a pain in the arse to share and it's a shame you can't afford a booger home.

Also ask him to problem solve - he provides a list of workable suggestions. You can go through them and evaluate them alongside him.

It will include things like "get rid of DSS2/DS" and "the others share" but you can simply state oh I see that works for you but not for the other 2 because x y z.

I'd go with
'No.'

Wrong actually. I painted DSCs room the paint they chose (blue). They are far too old for any sort of theme and never asked for one so yes their room looks blander in comparison but they have a LOT of kit. All of which I've been involved in the purchase of.

Fully agree with Random and others who are saying this needs empathy-based problem solving that involves DC13, and that you need to put aside your own frustrations about room tidiness, DH’s attitude/who pays for what etc. Focus on talking empathetically with DC13.

My 2 x ds's have own rooms. 6 year gap and sharing was no longer working.. Teen dd's will always share...
It's called The Way Things Are...
Family life and no complaints here...
Your dh would be told to sort it himself or stfu!!

Try again...

Personally I think the two eldest being SC is a bit of a red herring.

The issue is the ages of the children and even if they were full siblings it's just not fair on the youngest and the middle child to share.

Their needs simply aren't compatible due to the age gap - bedtimes, play, interests, tidiness etc

You DH is talking about disadvantaging both of the two younger children (middle child might be ok with the idea, but they will hate it in practice, especially as they grow older) to pander to the eldest.

The option is to fully/partially partition the SC room and if the eldest says that's not good enough then fine - don't do anything.

Stand your ground OP.