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Original poster

Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

311 replies

Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:08

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:09

To add, we moved from a 2 bed to this 3 bed when DS was a baby with the intention of the 3rd bedroom being his. So DSC have always shared. We didn't take a bedroom away from them for our son.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/08/2022 15:11

Dh can decorate his dc's room. Partition it so they have their own space.

Iamnotthe1 · 14/08/2022 15:12

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/08/2022 15:11

Dh can decorate his dc's room. Partition it so they have their own space.

This.

Original poster
Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:13

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/08/2022 15:11

Dh can decorate his dc's room. Partition it so they have their own space.

Have suggested this multiple times! Not good enough for DSC13 apparently.

OP posts:
TolkiensFallow · 14/08/2022 15:14

Stand your ground. What does he want to do when the other DSC wants their own room? It’s one of life’s hard lessons - they might want their own room but guess what, you can’t have everything you want and it’s not possible.

SeaToSki · 14/08/2022 15:14

I would completely agree with you, and also add that (assuming that the DSC dont live with you 100% of the time) that giving one DSC a room is a waste of space for the time they dont spend there, and also that the younger DSC is likely to throw a fit that he has to share with ‘a baby’ whilst his brother’s whining has got him a private bedroom and is just setting you all up for more drama in the future

Original poster
Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:15

They are here 50% of the time

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 14/08/2022 15:16

He doesn’t get to decide - he's a child! Tell him that when he is able to keep his bedroom in a fit state for 6 months you will consider putting a partition up. Until then, no chance!

ladywithnomanors · 14/08/2022 15:16

i would leave the bedrooms as they are. You are right the age gap is far too big for the younger two to be sharing. All kids moan about having to share - that’s life!
However you seem quite resentful of your stepchildren. You knew your DH had children before you got married and had a child with him. You chose to be a stepmother and a little more kindness would go a long way.

Original poster
Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:17

SeaToSki · 14/08/2022 15:14

I would completely agree with you, and also add that (assuming that the DSC dont live with you 100% of the time) that giving one DSC a room is a waste of space for the time they dont spend there, and also that the younger DSC is likely to throw a fit that he has to share with ‘a baby’ whilst his brother’s whining has got him a private bedroom and is just setting you all up for more drama in the future

Younger DSC is a lot more laid back than DSC13. I actually think he wouldn't mind the idea of it but I'm sure in time the practicalities of it wouldn't work out. It's not so much the actual sharing, I don't think he'd care (he doesn't mind sharing now) but the fact he couldn't use his room past a certain time in the evening would wear thin pretty fast!

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 14/08/2022 15:17

So you give DSS 13 his own room, then the 11 year old complains it's not fair that he has to share with a toddler...
What do you do then?

Soontobe60 · 14/08/2022 15:17

An alternative is for the boys to come on different weeks - so theres only 1 there at a time.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/08/2022 15:17

My dd's (15+16)are here all the time and share a room!! At one point I had 3 x ds's sharing when ds went nc with his df for lack of parenting!!
Sometimes dc just need to be told no. It isn't abuse!
The lack of respect would be getting to me op. Your dh is a sap.

Original poster
Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:18

ladywithnomanors · 14/08/2022 15:16

i would leave the bedrooms as they are. You are right the age gap is far too big for the younger two to be sharing. All kids moan about having to share - that’s life!
However you seem quite resentful of your stepchildren. You knew your DH had children before you got married and had a child with him. You chose to be a stepmother and a little more kindness would go a long way.

How on earth do you know how much kindness I show them?

I'm not open to this suggestion at all no because I think it's ridiculous and unfair on my son, but it doesn't mean I'm not kind to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:18

Soontobe60 · 14/08/2022 15:17

An alternative is for the boys to come on different weeks - so theres only 1 there at a time.

DH and his ex would never agree to this.

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 14/08/2022 15:20

The laid back 11 year old won't want to be sharing with his little brother in 5 years time when the older wants his girlfriend round when he's 16 and the younger is an annoying 8 year old...

CinderellaFant · 14/08/2022 15:20

Do they have their own rooms at their mums?

Original poster
Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:20

You knew your DH had children before you got married and had a child with him

And I really don't know what this even means in the context of this situation. Yes I knew he had children. What part of this does that change?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:21

CinderellaFant · 14/08/2022 15:20

Do they have their own rooms at their mums?

No they share there too. She has another two younger children who share another room and they have one together.

OP posts:
Holidaydreamingagain · 14/08/2022 15:22

I think your reasoning about the age gap is absolutely fine as is your reasoning aboit the disgusting mess (although I don’t stand for pigsty’s). Ds13 needs to get a grip on the bratty behaviour However the attitude to your step children and the reasoning you’re resentful for paying for anything whixh might inadvertently benefit your step children isn’t a very nice attitude.

Nadal · 14/08/2022 15:23

Nope. Age gap is too big. It's not practical. End of.

Rtmhwales · 14/08/2022 15:24

Holidaydreamingagain · 14/08/2022 15:22

I think your reasoning about the age gap is absolutely fine as is your reasoning aboit the disgusting mess (although I don’t stand for pigsty’s). Ds13 needs to get a grip on the bratty behaviour However the attitude to your step children and the reasoning you’re resentful for paying for anything whixh might inadvertently benefit your step children isn’t a very nice attitude.

But it's not resentment toward paying for her step children. She's saying she's not willing to pay 50/50 and put her child at a disadvantage sharing and in a disgusting tip of a teenage room. There's nothing wrong with that. If her DH wants to make the room nice for his kids that's on him.

Original poster
Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:24

Holidaydreamingagain · 14/08/2022 15:22

I think your reasoning about the age gap is absolutely fine as is your reasoning aboit the disgusting mess (although I don’t stand for pigsty’s). Ds13 needs to get a grip on the bratty behaviour However the attitude to your step children and the reasoning you’re resentful for paying for anything whixh might inadvertently benefit your step children isn’t a very nice attitude.

I pay for a lot of things that benefit my step children. I pay 50% toward their holidays, their food, I pay toward their presents on birthdays and Christmases, I pay toward a larger house with a garden they enjoy.

What I won't do is pay for something to benefit my step child but disadvantage my own child in the process.

OP posts:
Herbie0987 · 14/08/2022 15:24

The family is made up of 2 adults and 3 children, you are married to the father of all the children. I agree the 2 elder children should share due to the age difference to their sibling. If the bedroom is big enough look at dividing in 2 so they have their own space.
Your husband does not have the luxury of thinking of just 1 child.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/08/2022 15:25

And op's dh surely knew when op and him had a dc it would need a bedroom?!
What happens when the next dsc demands own room? Op and dh sleep in the lounge?