Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

[Bedroom192]

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

I do believe that in some cases the two eldest need their own space. Someone I know got 3 bedroom. The two eldest boys have their own room. But the girl has to share with the mum. I did think it was unfair on the girl but saying that can see why it's done this way.

Do you? Sounds ridiculous and unfair. The kids don't have to spend all day playing in their room if they don't want to but it's perfectly normal to have to share a room to sleep, them fighting is NOT a good reason to say another child should just not have a room. They need to learn not to fight. Similarly with sleeping in the lounge. Disruptive for all, especially if they have an earlier bedtime than the adults.

Sharing a bedroom with a sibling is common and not the end of the world. You certainly do not NEED to buy a bigger house you probably can't even afford to buy just because some preteens may or not fight. They need to manage their behaviour, and buying a bigger house may not be a possibility.

@aSofaNearYou

A solution needs to be done. I know it's really difficult situation.

I think a bigger house or separating the room.

She a bit harsh toward them and needs to still be considerate of their feelings.

But even if they share the room at night. They need to be taken out individually by the day to they get space. Like dad may go shop the 11yr old goes with the eldest gets that bit of space. Dad may go in garden the eldest goes to help. Just stuff still need to done so they are kept separated sometimes.

There's a reason why the 13 year old wants space and a conversation needs to happen so that all happy.

@Scorpio8 So are you suggesting that the children's mother should also move house, as the 13 & 11 year olds also have to share there? What a pity nobody thought of buying bigger houses when the parents originally split up!

I think if something not done I am afraid the 13 year old will say they not visiting their father and it will upset him
Where is he going to go then? He shares with the same sibling at his mother's house but nobody seems to be suggesting the mother gives up her lounge?
If anything at all should happen apart from telling the 13 year old that's life and to get on with it, the parents should just take a child each then they can have a room to themselves in each house and everyone will be happy as Larry.

You cannot allow a 13 year old to dictate how your home runs. He doesn't even have his own bedroom at his mums, so he isn't better off at either home. I'm sure his mum will still send him to dad's, for a break.

@Scorpio8 I wonder how you OH would feel if he saw your post here. I personally think you be a single mum soon.

What a nasty thing to say. If you dislike so intensely what op has put, that you feel the need to try and scare the op by veiled treats of put DSC first at all times or you lose your husband, I suggest you not throw rocks in a glass house.

Good god there's ridiculous and there's this thread. Funny how no one's suggested Dm but a bigger house or give up her bedroom so Dc don't have to share at her house... I suppose some people really do encourage Disney dadding....

Your dear child lives there full time and little ones need their sleep. Within a week the 11yo would be moaning about sharing with LO. DH can put up a privacy screen in his DCS room. There are lots of cheap options. Wait til he suggests that his DC get a room each and LO moves in with you. This father seems to forget he has THREE dcs not just the older 2

Stand your ground - at this age ANYTHING you do for dsc13 won't be enough. How is his proposal remotely fair on dsc11 who will also be a stroppy 13 y.o. soon?

I would also state clearly to dsc13 that you would be prepared to engage in an adult conversation about the options when he demonstrates the ability to tidy AND clean his room, contribute to household chores, behave respectfully etc. But right now there isn't even a conversation to be had on the subject.

Teens do need some privacy that's ultimately isnt unreasonable - is the room divided? Or dividable? There are loads of ideas on the internet about dividing rooms with big shelf units etc and that might give him more sense of personal space.

Or even physically creating two small rooms maybe be better than one big one. Don't completely dismiss this idea - People on the Property board here are awesome at advising on how rooms can be reorganised and there may be an easy-ish way to sneak in a partition wall.

I had a tiny box room as a child, just room for a bed and a single wardrobe (it even had the staircase bulkhead cut out) and I sometimes complained about space but it was still my haven and I loved it, for all I was cramped. I would rather have had that tiny space of my own, than had to share. It's not about size of room, perhaps, but a longing for privacy?

And what when dsc2 gets to 13 and starts demanding their own room because they don't want to share with a much younger child....

@WhistPie
No but she took on a man with kids and the mum will always be connected to them too.
It's life and it's tough.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

It's true how she acting will cause them to split.
Because she got a child with him now he suddenly above the other two. I get the bedroom issue but a bit harsh how she talks of the kids.
She seems resentful of the bedroom issue because it's caused an argument.
There will be much more to come and will be a lot worse that bedroom issue.

To be honest I don't think its your 3 year old that's being disadvantaged the most here (although I do take your point about the mess)

I think the 13 year old is being incredibly selfish to his 11 year old brother, expecting him to move out of his own room, to share with someone significantly younger than him, in a bedroom that's been decorated for a 3 year old and that he won't be able to sit in after a certain time and will have to be completely quite in when he goes to bed. Never mind the fact that 3 year olds are always sleeping through the night etc, and small children tend to be earlier to wake than teenagers which he practically is.

If I were you I wouldn't talk to your DH about how its unfair on your 3 year old, or not totally, I would be worried about how its unfair on the 11 year old and how selfish the 13 year old is being in not considering his feelings at all. He isn't asking for his own bedroom, he is trying to throw his brother out of his own bedroom.

Offer a partition or nothing, and if the master bedroom is bigger than the one they share I would be willing to consider swapping personally to make it easier to partition but it depends on whether that would work for you.

My dc are 14, 12 and 5 - same sex.
We lived in a 2 bed until dc 3 was 2 - Dc1 and 2 had always shared.
Then we moved to a 3 bed and Dc1 and 2 shared and Dc3 got his own room.

It just made sense for the oldest 2 to share.
Dc1 and 2 are close in age, have similar interests and even had some shared things (like boxing kit,
mini fuseball table etc).
Asking dc2 at 9 to share with a 2 year old just didn't seem fair.
Plus the different bed times would have been a nightmare. Dc1 used to grumble (semi good naturedly) about being the oldest but not having his own room but he did understand why it was Dc3 who had his own room and just got on with it.

So it's not even a stepchild 'thing' imo -
even if all 3 dc were yours you might well be of the same opinion that it just makes more sense for the 2 close in age to share.

In your shoes I would absolutely put my foot down and not give an inch on this even if it caused ructions...it would be a deal breaker for me if DH insisted on it just to bend to the will of a 13 year old and I'd be making this clear to him.

So? Are you suggesting the Mum should also have her own bedroom in the OP's house??? Take on 2 DSC and Mum comes along for contact weekends too?

Any quotes? Because this is just a lot of projection, you've made your own thread today and your position about this is clear. She hasn't said anything harsh about them, there's nothing to back this up.

@aSofaNearYou

She has been harsh because someone before me said it too.
I will always stick up for SC but if I generally seeing a sm being nice will say too.
The selfishness now she got her own child is the problem. I get the bedroom issue but if she continues being selfish because she has lo sooner or later it will be noticed my OH sorry to say.
Even if the children start to realize would want to be here if their mother got told. She definitely be finished and this what happens when you get with a man with two child before yours.
Nothing like his first born too.

Nothing like his first born too.

Ohhhhhh. I seee. You mean nothing like his first born son..... Who will inherit everything....

Nothing like his first born too. what do you mean by this?! The first born shouldn't be treated any differently to the other children. This isn't the royal family here.

@fufflecake

I don't think Scorpio can quite wrap her head around a woman owning property and going out to work. All women must be absolutely in dread of 'definitely you finished' and onto the scrap heap....

Again, evidence? Just because someone else said it doesn't mean they actually had a leg to stand on either. OP hasn't said anything harsh about her SC. She may not have said anything specifically kind but she hasn't said anything unkind either. She isn't being selfish about her own child because in this instance, what she's saying is just logical. It makes far more sense for two preteens to share than one preteen and a toddler.

Again with the weird "nothing like their first born" comments, like on your other thread. You're clearly very defensive about being number 1 to your dad but I can assure you that is absolutely not universal. I for one am not at constant risk of my DP kicking me to the curb because his precious first child means more to him than myself and the two children we share. That is simply not the case.

@SpaceshiptoMars

They will always have that bond. People are happy when your have your first and excited but anymore than first 1, 2 no ones that's excited.

Having money doesn't come into it. That's probably how you think but not me hun.

Each and everyone of you certainly have the biggest wake up call coming. Some will definitely not survive if you carry on with the attitude and resentfulness..have to laugh and good luck to you all you will need it.

I'll be ok thanks.

Can't see anywhere the OP has been harsh about her DSC

Yeah most parents love their children equally, its pretty fucked up parenting to love your first born more than the rest

And if the OP having an equal say in how the house that is half hers will cause her OH to split up from her then that is a relationship she is well out of. Equal partnerships means equal decisions and she has very good reasons for her choices here and I hope her OH listens to them like a sensible adult and doesn't start banging on about first borns 🙄

They will always have that bond. People are happy when your have your first and excited but anymore than first 1, 2 no ones that's excited.

What on earth does this even mean? Are you okay?

Of course most normal parents feel equally about ALL of their children and not just their first born.

I really don't think it's us that have a wake up call coming 😂

Honestly, you genuinely think you can tell us that our partners aren't bothered about their children beyond their first and second? It's laughable.

My DP loves all his children but if anything, he has a bond with the children he actually lives with that he will never have with the first, who he doesn't. Not something I'd ever feel the need to brag about because I'm not an arsehole but seriously, this strange "first is most special" mentality you have is ridiculous.