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Original poster

Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

311 replies

Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:08

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

OP posts:
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DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 15/08/2022 21:05

DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 18:03

I read that, in the context of what followed, as meaning the 11yo would be in with the 3yo and the 13yo would be left with his own room. I thought 'swap them round' meant the boys and not the rooms as such. I thought a later sentence was inferring the 11you would be in the 3 yo's room.

But it is ambiguous , I could well be wrong, and I am in a spectacularly grouchy mood this afternoon (partly thanks to my own teens) so I apologise for sarcasm-ing at you @funinthesun19 Wine

Show quote history

I read it the same as @funinthesun19 because the info in the OP about the toddler's room being themed vs the DSC's room having no theme wouldn't have much relevance if the DH was proposing that the 11yo was moved into the themed room as opposed to the toddler moving out of it.

But yes, we could be wrong, who knows!

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 15/08/2022 21:06

@SpaceshiptoMars I will give it a shot, ironically I come from a Uber hot country originally but the heat was dry and sadly I have acclimatised to Uk weather (have never typed a more depressing sentence than that.)

I have just been asked how much does air con cost.. and I know where this line of chat is going.... 😩😩😩

I don't think towels will fit for DSC as sensory wise she struggles but will suggest it. Fan was similarly dismissed as felt weird.

At this point may suggest bunking in with horses but I think she will take me seriously 😳 and I probably shouldn't go there.

DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 23:09

Ah see @DebussytoaDiscoBeat , my interpretation on why the OP told us about her son's room being themed was: it's always been a sore point between the OP and her DH that she took so much care and attention over her toddler's room by for example making it themed, and not so much attention on the DSC's room (in the DH's eyes anyway).

But yes, who knows.

DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 23:14

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 15/08/2022 20:42

@DuchessDarty I find wine or cakes helps and you have my sympathies I think heat does something to teens brains that makes them go a bit ott so I'm with you with grouchy mood (I'm ready to stick my head in vat of hot oil currently)

Thank you @pitchforksandflamethrowers Smile I have neither cake nor wine tonight unfortunately, but I do have some chocolate!

YellowPlumbob · 15/08/2022 23:18

I mean… My 14YO & 12YO would love their own bedrooms, but I also have a 6YO and will never be able to afford a 4 bedroom house, so it’s tough shit.

They have the biggest room, then 6YO and I’m in the sodding box room. Youngest is fast asleep by 7:30pm, my eldest two are not, so either of them sharing with the youngest would be a nightmare here too.

What happens when the middle child demands their own room? Do you then have to give up your living room? Will the elder child agree to swap and share with their much younger sibling?

cheninblanc · 16/08/2022 11:18

They are there 50% of the time and your child together 100%. They should share

funinthesun19 · 16/08/2022 12:57

But it is ambiguous , I could well be wrong, and I am in a spectacularly grouchy mood this afternoon (partly thanks to my own teens) so I apologise for sarcasm-ing at you

Ah it’s alright. I just jumped to conclusions mainly because of the thread title more than anything.

ZephyrPenguin · 16/08/2022 16:19

Completely understandable to not have a toddler - for all intensive purposes -sharing a room with a tween(pre-teenager). The only thing that I really disagree with is your notion that they're too old to have their rooms decorated out in a way that they enjoy; that isn't right. How is it okay that as an adult we come in and change an entire home to our standards, decorating it how we want no matter what it might seem like to other people, then deny our children the same ability with their bedrooms? What sense does that make? 'Oh I'm not too old to format a room/home to fit me and make me happy but my child sure is?' It also seems extremely unfair that you went out of your way for your biological child and made their room a comfort zone for them yet refuse to do the same for your stepchildren. I also will never understand the belief of 'I have one child, not three;' you are a step parent and chose that role even before having your biological son. You chose to be a parent to your husband's biological children yet have the audacity to be like 'those aren't my kids?' Why did you get with someone who had children; if you did not want to be a legitimate parent to those children? I completely understand your stepchildren feeling jealous over the treatment that your biological child receives regardless of age; it's actually pretty clear you treat your son better than your stepchildren. If you didn't you wouldn't be getting a lot of the resentment and fight that you are getting from your 13-year-old stepson and blowing it off as 'just usual teenage drama' is a total cop out. No, you should not have to pay more for your biological child to be at a disadvantage however there is more you can do to make things better for your stepchildren and by your own admission you're choosing not to.

Yousee · 16/08/2022 16:37

I also will never understand the belief of 'I have one child, not three
There's a difference between a belief and a statement of fact. A "legitimate parent" is one who either gave birth to, adopted or acquired legal PR for a child. None of which applies to OP or the vast majority of SMs.
OP has said she painted the room for the kids, they and their father are old enough to sort a theme out between them should they wish to, there no reason it should all be left to OP.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 16/08/2022 16:47

I also will never understand the belief of 'I have one child, not three;' you are a step parent and chose that role even before having your biological son.

I'm not sure how it's hard concept to grasp. I have two Dc and one DSC. My DSC has a fully functioning mum and frankly wouldn't want me to be the mum role and frankly neither would her mother.

I will never understand why sm are held at a higher standard of care than a child's own parent. She chose her her child to decorate her child's room, if dad wants to put the same time and effort into DSC room turning it into a themed room. He can crack on.

Never under stand how his failing is suddenly hers. Surely he's the one who chose to have children with two women. Why are people happy to crucify op but dad in this equation- it's like he doesn't exist.

Which is mad as he is the father who created the dynamics in this situation. Barking

Jeenie89 · 16/08/2022 17:22

Okay so I created an account to say something since I couldn't watch any longer. Mum. Several people have stated that you married this man knowing he had kids. You keep asking why that matters? I'll tell you. You are now a parent to these kids. When you married this man you adopted his kids. You seem to understand the logical responsibility aspect of being a parent to children even if they are step children. That's great. Do you want a gold star? I do not get it.

You have said "I don't have 3 children, I have 1." This is explicitly implying several things. Firstly, you do not emotionally care for the step kids the way you do your biological son. Secondly, you do not WANT to care for your step children the way you do for your son. And thirdly, you will never allow your biological son to be inconvenienced in any way even if it is for the greater good.

That being said, your original concern- you are 100% RIGHT. The baby needs his own room. The 13 year old can suck it up like a big kid. Absolutely.

But what if your baby was 10? And he had his own room? And your 13 year old stepson wanted his own? Based on your emotional response I'm guessing you would stand your ground again even if it did make more sense to give the older child their own room. This is the issue.

These setp children probably already have a bad idea of you because you treat them like a bill. A chore. An obligation you don't like. Because if you actually liked these kids- you would never say something like "I dont have 3 kids, I have 1". No OP, you have 3 children. And whilst your reasoning is perfectly sound right now in this case, if you keep up this type of attitude there will come a day where its abundantly clear that this is unacceptable behavior from a parent figure.

These are impressionable preteens. I'd like to ask you to think about how those boys would feel if they read that line. "I don't have 3 kids, I have 1". How would they feel reading that? Not nice.

You will never be these kids bio mom. No. But your responsibility as a parent and guardian in any way shape or form to them is to be a good parent. And whilst you may think you are being a good parent to them by providing for their most basic needs- you are not being a good parent to them emotionally if you are thinking this way. The fact that you ever even typed out those words means you did not think of how they'd feel.

Why does it matter OP? Because no kid needs to feel like they are unliked, unwanted, and unloved in their own home. You do not love these kids the same way you love your own son. And you think that it is ok to express that. Do I think you need to force yourself to love these kids? No OP. But A: You should have thought about that before marrying a man with kids, and B: You should not act like it's ok going around saying thoughtless heartless comments like that, and you should make sure your kids do not FEEL the fact that you have a favorite. You will scar these boys for life. You will give them literal emotional scars. They will grow into adults that do not care about anything, or overcompensate for what they could not get. I'm thinking you may even just be holding out on expressing these things straightforwardly until they move out of your house so you don't have to worry about them or their feelings anymore. That's destroying a family OP. Furthermore if this is how you really think I can guarantee those kids feel it. OP, it doesn't matter how much physical stuff you provide for the kids. They don't pay attention to that unless it's completely absent. Why? Because again- it is the bare minimum. They do not see the money you spend. They don't see your bills. They don't see you thinking about how much you need for their xyz- they see you, not having a single interest in them besides what is absolutely necessary to the naked eye. And as a parent, that is not ok.

You are frustrated at this 13 year olds response. Valid. What isn't valid is you stooping down to a level where your response to a child is "Well you aren't my kid anyway so I don't care about how you feel in the matter."

I urge you to ignore the anger and passive aggressiveness boiling up inside of you after reading this and do some serious self searching. You married this man. Issues with step children can and will ruin marriage. You have a parental responsibility to be fair and kind to all your kids. Once again, OP...you do not have 1 child. You have 3. I hope that you begin to act like it. Or you will very deeply regret it later on.

Advise? OP, tell that kid all the reasonings you gave us. Be patient. If he gets upset you tell him you uunderstand him even if you do not. You try to see things from his perspective. Express that to him. Express how you are trying your best to understand him well. Then when he opens up you teach him how to see things from your perspective so he understands the reasonings. Then you move on. And he may not be happy with that. And that is ok. Just have the same exact talk. Be patient. Be understanding to him and his feelings. And ask him to do the same. This way at least you tried. And you've shown that you are trying, and that you would like him to try as well. This is only the beginning of many issues ypu may have OP. Maybe it isn't the beginning at all. But it isn't gonna change unless you start acting like a parent in all aspects.

Jeenie89 · 16/08/2022 17:31

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 16/08/2022 16:47

I also will never understand the belief of 'I have one child, not three;' you are a step parent and chose that role even before having your biological son.

I'm not sure how it's hard concept to grasp. I have two Dc and one DSC. My DSC has a fully functioning mum and frankly wouldn't want me to be the mum role and frankly neither would her mother.

I will never understand why sm are held at a higher standard of care than a child's own parent. She chose her her child to decorate her child's room, if dad wants to put the same time and effort into DSC room turning it into a themed room. He can crack on.

Never under stand how his failing is suddenly hers. Surely he's the one who chose to have children with two women. Why are people happy to crucify op but dad in this equation- it's like he doesn't exist.

Which is mad as he is the father who created the dynamics in this situation. Barking

The problem here is that OP is ostrasizing their step children by doing the absolute bare minimum.
Is it the dad's fault for having multiple kids? Or the mums fault for leaving her kids with them? Who knows. That has absolutely nothing to do with this.
OP is a parent to 3 kids. Whether or not those kids have a bio mum is irrelevant because bio mum is not living at their house. OP doesn't need to be a super step mum she needs to realize she agreed to whatever relationship role she needed to fulfill by marrying this man. For you it might be ok to not treat your scs like your bio kids because their bio mum is involved. But still imagine how uncomfortable (not to mention any other negative emotion) your step kids would ever be if they heard you say "you are NOT my kids." It's simply not ok morally. Why do you think kids hate step parents? Because you act like that and think it's ok when no one asked you to act like that. Furthermore kids will only treat you like that or desire little to no contact at the reaction of the adults in their life. Meaning either you or their mum made it clear that you do not accept them. It is sad.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 16/08/2022 17:41

@Jeenie89 I don't know maybe because I was a step child and I have respect for DSC mum and my DSC to not think my relationship is the same as a biological parent. And as a mum I would find it laughable that my Dd sm mum would consider her equal parental responsibility (and more so because of her gender) than her actual parent aka her dad.

But sure she's doing the bare minimum and her dads just not relevant 😂😂 okie dokie.

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 17:47

OP is a parent to 3 kids.

No she isn't. You can bash your head against the wall all you like trying to make it so, but she isn't.

Arthursmom · 16/08/2022 17:57

Age gap is simply too big. You're totally right. I also resent the implication that you should consider your step children above your own child. Life does not work that way. Stand your ground! Erect a partition if needed.

Yousee · 16/08/2022 17:57

But still imagine how uncomfortable (not to mention any other negative emotion) your step kids would ever be if they heard you say "you are NOT my kids."
Why can't you imagine that for many, many people (including my own DSD and her mother) it would be deeply uncomfortable, unwanted and downright fucking offensive if I began to behave and declare as if DSD was my own daughter?
Using my imagination and knowledge of the real people involved in my family, I'd go as far as to say it would damage relationships and cause DSD to kick back out of loyalty to her mother and DHs ex to kick back out of the sheer rage at me trampling all over her right and responsibilities as the real mother.
I'm talking I'd totally change up her entire life. I'd decide to have her live with us and change schools and be a proper part of our family.
Oh, did you not mean I have to treat her like my own in that sense?
Well, what did you mean then? Only when theres donkey work to be done or something needing paid for I'd imagine.

Yousee · 16/08/2022 17:59

And also, marriage and adoption are two completely unrelated legal statuses. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

hoglethotel · 16/08/2022 18:01

"Why can't you imagine that for many, many people (including my own DSD and her mother) it would be deeply uncomfortable, unwanted and downright fucking offensive if I began to behave and declare as if DSD was my own daughter?"

True, you only have to see the many threads over the years where the step mum has taken the child to get their hair cut / ears pierced / some outfit the mother doesn't approve of to see how quickly the stepmum is told she's not the parent and has overstepped the mark.

It does smack of double standards on here sometimes.

bcc89 · 16/08/2022 18:02

The "I have 1 child, my husband has 3" was in relation to OP having a house that houses her ONE child with his own bedroom. She was actually saying that her husband doesn't provide a bedroom each for the other two.

Might as well have said "I can provide my own, why can't he provide for his adequately" 😂😂

Catfordthefifth · 16/08/2022 18:24

Jeenie89 · 16/08/2022 17:22

Okay so I created an account to say something since I couldn't watch any longer. Mum. Several people have stated that you married this man knowing he had kids. You keep asking why that matters? I'll tell you. You are now a parent to these kids. When you married this man you adopted his kids. You seem to understand the logical responsibility aspect of being a parent to children even if they are step children. That's great. Do you want a gold star? I do not get it.

You have said "I don't have 3 children, I have 1." This is explicitly implying several things. Firstly, you do not emotionally care for the step kids the way you do your biological son. Secondly, you do not WANT to care for your step children the way you do for your son. And thirdly, you will never allow your biological son to be inconvenienced in any way even if it is for the greater good.

That being said, your original concern- you are 100% RIGHT. The baby needs his own room. The 13 year old can suck it up like a big kid. Absolutely.

But what if your baby was 10? And he had his own room? And your 13 year old stepson wanted his own? Based on your emotional response I'm guessing you would stand your ground again even if it did make more sense to give the older child their own room. This is the issue.

These setp children probably already have a bad idea of you because you treat them like a bill. A chore. An obligation you don't like. Because if you actually liked these kids- you would never say something like "I dont have 3 kids, I have 1". No OP, you have 3 children. And whilst your reasoning is perfectly sound right now in this case, if you keep up this type of attitude there will come a day where its abundantly clear that this is unacceptable behavior from a parent figure.

These are impressionable preteens. I'd like to ask you to think about how those boys would feel if they read that line. "I don't have 3 kids, I have 1". How would they feel reading that? Not nice.

You will never be these kids bio mom. No. But your responsibility as a parent and guardian in any way shape or form to them is to be a good parent. And whilst you may think you are being a good parent to them by providing for their most basic needs- you are not being a good parent to them emotionally if you are thinking this way. The fact that you ever even typed out those words means you did not think of how they'd feel.

Why does it matter OP? Because no kid needs to feel like they are unliked, unwanted, and unloved in their own home. You do not love these kids the same way you love your own son. And you think that it is ok to express that. Do I think you need to force yourself to love these kids? No OP. But A: You should have thought about that before marrying a man with kids, and B: You should not act like it's ok going around saying thoughtless heartless comments like that, and you should make sure your kids do not FEEL the fact that you have a favorite. You will scar these boys for life. You will give them literal emotional scars. They will grow into adults that do not care about anything, or overcompensate for what they could not get. I'm thinking you may even just be holding out on expressing these things straightforwardly until they move out of your house so you don't have to worry about them or their feelings anymore. That's destroying a family OP. Furthermore if this is how you really think I can guarantee those kids feel it. OP, it doesn't matter how much physical stuff you provide for the kids. They don't pay attention to that unless it's completely absent. Why? Because again- it is the bare minimum. They do not see the money you spend. They don't see your bills. They don't see you thinking about how much you need for their xyz- they see you, not having a single interest in them besides what is absolutely necessary to the naked eye. And as a parent, that is not ok.

You are frustrated at this 13 year olds response. Valid. What isn't valid is you stooping down to a level where your response to a child is "Well you aren't my kid anyway so I don't care about how you feel in the matter."

I urge you to ignore the anger and passive aggressiveness boiling up inside of you after reading this and do some serious self searching. You married this man. Issues with step children can and will ruin marriage. You have a parental responsibility to be fair and kind to all your kids. Once again, OP...you do not have 1 child. You have 3. I hope that you begin to act like it. Or you will very deeply regret it later on.

Advise? OP, tell that kid all the reasonings you gave us. Be patient. If he gets upset you tell him you uunderstand him even if you do not. You try to see things from his perspective. Express that to him. Express how you are trying your best to understand him well. Then when he opens up you teach him how to see things from your perspective so he understands the reasonings. Then you move on. And he may not be happy with that. And that is ok. Just have the same exact talk. Be patient. Be understanding to him and his feelings. And ask him to do the same. This way at least you tried. And you've shown that you are trying, and that you would like him to try as well. This is only the beginning of many issues ypu may have OP. Maybe it isn't the beginning at all. But it isn't gonna change unless you start acting like a parent in all aspects.

You needn't have bothered. Marriage does not equal adoption. They have a mum, and they live with her 50% of the time.

Ilovedthe70s · 16/08/2022 18:27

Jeenie89 · 16/08/2022 17:22

Okay so I created an account to say something since I couldn't watch any longer. Mum. Several people have stated that you married this man knowing he had kids. You keep asking why that matters? I'll tell you. You are now a parent to these kids. When you married this man you adopted his kids. You seem to understand the logical responsibility aspect of being a parent to children even if they are step children. That's great. Do you want a gold star? I do not get it.

You have said "I don't have 3 children, I have 1." This is explicitly implying several things. Firstly, you do not emotionally care for the step kids the way you do your biological son. Secondly, you do not WANT to care for your step children the way you do for your son. And thirdly, you will never allow your biological son to be inconvenienced in any way even if it is for the greater good.

That being said, your original concern- you are 100% RIGHT. The baby needs his own room. The 13 year old can suck it up like a big kid. Absolutely.

But what if your baby was 10? And he had his own room? And your 13 year old stepson wanted his own? Based on your emotional response I'm guessing you would stand your ground again even if it did make more sense to give the older child their own room. This is the issue.

These setp children probably already have a bad idea of you because you treat them like a bill. A chore. An obligation you don't like. Because if you actually liked these kids- you would never say something like "I dont have 3 kids, I have 1". No OP, you have 3 children. And whilst your reasoning is perfectly sound right now in this case, if you keep up this type of attitude there will come a day where its abundantly clear that this is unacceptable behavior from a parent figure.

These are impressionable preteens. I'd like to ask you to think about how those boys would feel if they read that line. "I don't have 3 kids, I have 1". How would they feel reading that? Not nice.

You will never be these kids bio mom. No. But your responsibility as a parent and guardian in any way shape or form to them is to be a good parent. And whilst you may think you are being a good parent to them by providing for their most basic needs- you are not being a good parent to them emotionally if you are thinking this way. The fact that you ever even typed out those words means you did not think of how they'd feel.

Why does it matter OP? Because no kid needs to feel like they are unliked, unwanted, and unloved in their own home. You do not love these kids the same way you love your own son. And you think that it is ok to express that. Do I think you need to force yourself to love these kids? No OP. But A: You should have thought about that before marrying a man with kids, and B: You should not act like it's ok going around saying thoughtless heartless comments like that, and you should make sure your kids do not FEEL the fact that you have a favorite. You will scar these boys for life. You will give them literal emotional scars. They will grow into adults that do not care about anything, or overcompensate for what they could not get. I'm thinking you may even just be holding out on expressing these things straightforwardly until they move out of your house so you don't have to worry about them or their feelings anymore. That's destroying a family OP. Furthermore if this is how you really think I can guarantee those kids feel it. OP, it doesn't matter how much physical stuff you provide for the kids. They don't pay attention to that unless it's completely absent. Why? Because again- it is the bare minimum. They do not see the money you spend. They don't see your bills. They don't see you thinking about how much you need for their xyz- they see you, not having a single interest in them besides what is absolutely necessary to the naked eye. And as a parent, that is not ok.

You are frustrated at this 13 year olds response. Valid. What isn't valid is you stooping down to a level where your response to a child is "Well you aren't my kid anyway so I don't care about how you feel in the matter."

I urge you to ignore the anger and passive aggressiveness boiling up inside of you after reading this and do some serious self searching. You married this man. Issues with step children can and will ruin marriage. You have a parental responsibility to be fair and kind to all your kids. Once again, OP...you do not have 1 child. You have 3. I hope that you begin to act like it. Or you will very deeply regret it later on.

Advise? OP, tell that kid all the reasonings you gave us. Be patient. If he gets upset you tell him you uunderstand him even if you do not. You try to see things from his perspective. Express that to him. Express how you are trying your best to understand him well. Then when he opens up you teach him how to see things from your perspective so he understands the reasonings. Then you move on. And he may not be happy with that. And that is ok. Just have the same exact talk. Be patient. Be understanding to him and his feelings. And ask him to do the same. This way at least you tried. And you've shown that you are trying, and that you would like him to try as well. This is only the beginning of many issues ypu may have OP. Maybe it isn't the beginning at all. But it isn't gonna change unless you start acting like a parent in all aspects.

What a load of bollocks

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 16/08/2022 19:08

You are now a parent to these kids. When you married this man you adopted his kids

Great - from this moment on, every time a newbie poster gets their arse handed to them for referring to their DSC’s mother as “BM” because its use is only permissible in the context of adoption, we can point the frothers to this gem of a post.

Someone had also better tell my DSC’s mum that I’ve adopted her DC, I’m sure she’ll be over the moon.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 16/08/2022 19:16

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 16/08/2022 19:08

You are now a parent to these kids. When you married this man you adopted his kids

Great - from this moment on, every time a newbie poster gets their arse handed to them for referring to their DSC’s mother as “BM” because its use is only permissible in the context of adoption, we can point the frothers to this gem of a post.

Someone had also better tell my DSC’s mum that I’ve adopted her DC, I’m sure she’ll be over the moon.

I too can't wait for that conversation with DSD and her mum.

They will be thrilled and not put out at all. Imagine no worrying where to sit at the wedding. It would be at top table by my husband, first in line for graduation ect. I cannot wait.

Or I'm guessing by adoption it means adoption of all the costs, childcare, and any other women work. Not any of the fun stuff.

As I said it's a weight off my mind... now to go call DSM and tell her I have equal say in schools, medical conditions ect and it will be two against one so me and my DH can out vote any decision made by mum.

Hurrah (I'm being heavily ironic just fyi)

PMAmostofthetime · 16/08/2022 19:39

@Bedroom192 whilst not illegal NSPCC advised that children over 10 should not share with children under 10 as children over 10 will be going through puberty.

Is there no chance to reconfigure the upstairs and knock the walls through and make 3 separate bedrooms? I guess the question also remains if you plan on having more children too?
As then this is a lot of work to then have to move or add an attic conversion/ extension.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 16/08/2022 20:43

Jeenie89 · 16/08/2022 17:22

Okay so I created an account to say something since I couldn't watch any longer. Mum. Several people have stated that you married this man knowing he had kids. You keep asking why that matters? I'll tell you. You are now a parent to these kids. When you married this man you adopted his kids. You seem to understand the logical responsibility aspect of being a parent to children even if they are step children. That's great. Do you want a gold star? I do not get it.

You have said "I don't have 3 children, I have 1." This is explicitly implying several things. Firstly, you do not emotionally care for the step kids the way you do your biological son. Secondly, you do not WANT to care for your step children the way you do for your son. And thirdly, you will never allow your biological son to be inconvenienced in any way even if it is for the greater good.

That being said, your original concern- you are 100% RIGHT. The baby needs his own room. The 13 year old can suck it up like a big kid. Absolutely.

But what if your baby was 10? And he had his own room? And your 13 year old stepson wanted his own? Based on your emotional response I'm guessing you would stand your ground again even if it did make more sense to give the older child their own room. This is the issue.

These setp children probably already have a bad idea of you because you treat them like a bill. A chore. An obligation you don't like. Because if you actually liked these kids- you would never say something like "I dont have 3 kids, I have 1". No OP, you have 3 children. And whilst your reasoning is perfectly sound right now in this case, if you keep up this type of attitude there will come a day where its abundantly clear that this is unacceptable behavior from a parent figure.

These are impressionable preteens. I'd like to ask you to think about how those boys would feel if they read that line. "I don't have 3 kids, I have 1". How would they feel reading that? Not nice.

You will never be these kids bio mom. No. But your responsibility as a parent and guardian in any way shape or form to them is to be a good parent. And whilst you may think you are being a good parent to them by providing for their most basic needs- you are not being a good parent to them emotionally if you are thinking this way. The fact that you ever even typed out those words means you did not think of how they'd feel.

Why does it matter OP? Because no kid needs to feel like they are unliked, unwanted, and unloved in their own home. You do not love these kids the same way you love your own son. And you think that it is ok to express that. Do I think you need to force yourself to love these kids? No OP. But A: You should have thought about that before marrying a man with kids, and B: You should not act like it's ok going around saying thoughtless heartless comments like that, and you should make sure your kids do not FEEL the fact that you have a favorite. You will scar these boys for life. You will give them literal emotional scars. They will grow into adults that do not care about anything, or overcompensate for what they could not get. I'm thinking you may even just be holding out on expressing these things straightforwardly until they move out of your house so you don't have to worry about them or their feelings anymore. That's destroying a family OP. Furthermore if this is how you really think I can guarantee those kids feel it. OP, it doesn't matter how much physical stuff you provide for the kids. They don't pay attention to that unless it's completely absent. Why? Because again- it is the bare minimum. They do not see the money you spend. They don't see your bills. They don't see you thinking about how much you need for their xyz- they see you, not having a single interest in them besides what is absolutely necessary to the naked eye. And as a parent, that is not ok.

You are frustrated at this 13 year olds response. Valid. What isn't valid is you stooping down to a level where your response to a child is "Well you aren't my kid anyway so I don't care about how you feel in the matter."

I urge you to ignore the anger and passive aggressiveness boiling up inside of you after reading this and do some serious self searching. You married this man. Issues with step children can and will ruin marriage. You have a parental responsibility to be fair and kind to all your kids. Once again, OP...you do not have 1 child. You have 3. I hope that you begin to act like it. Or you will very deeply regret it later on.

Advise? OP, tell that kid all the reasonings you gave us. Be patient. If he gets upset you tell him you uunderstand him even if you do not. You try to see things from his perspective. Express that to him. Express how you are trying your best to understand him well. Then when he opens up you teach him how to see things from your perspective so he understands the reasonings. Then you move on. And he may not be happy with that. And that is ok. Just have the same exact talk. Be patient. Be understanding to him and his feelings. And ask him to do the same. This way at least you tried. And you've shown that you are trying, and that you would like him to try as well. This is only the beginning of many issues ypu may have OP. Maybe it isn't the beginning at all. But it isn't gonna change unless you start acting like a parent in all aspects.

What a load of utter crap. Especially the first paragraph!