Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

[Bedroom192]

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

Also I am not blind thank you very much. As a partially sighted person I do however resent that being thrown around as an insult.

I have no step children or step parents. You however have a step mother you hate even though you were willing to let her do your child care for you when it suited you.

If either of us have an agenda its not me.

@Scorpio8

I'm curious as to what culture you come from. Why are 'first born' so important to you? Why does it matter so much that she must keep her husband sweet at all costs?

Can you not see that he is the one who should be afraid of splitting up? She would only have to house herself and one small child on 50% of the proceeds of the house. Her child is now 3, so nursery fees are less of an issue, and she is working full-time already. He, on the other hand, if he wants to see his two teenagers, will have a much harder job stretching to house them, and feeding them and cleaning up after them etc.

I don't think you realize how valuable and essential this stepmother is to a single dad. Especially as she comes with both an existing and an ongoing dowry!

Her husband has 3 maybe let him focus on the 2 and she left to look after 1.

That makes zero sense. As you said, he has 3.

Its that's standard thing that's used against step mums that you see here over and over on the boards playing out

The dad with the existing children puts all of his focus and priority onto the children from the previous relationship and the only one who concerns themselves with keeping things fair for the child from the second relationship is the step mum who is them lambasted for it as being selfish

Because this poster had a bad relationship with her step mum who she apparently blames for all her dads misfortune in life, she is actually advocating this kind of behaviour I think

The step mum is supposed to be a passive doormat and the child from the second marriage being not a 'true' first born is just supposed to put up with the dregs

@Almondsandraisins

As I said some people did say she came across as harsh. It wasn't only me.

Nothing to do with my situation.

I get the whole bedroom stuff. Just the I have 1 and basically she didn't care. People should date single men no kids if they can't handle a man with baggage. Think if that was the case the OP having a man no kids would be perfect..

If somehow he stumbled on this post if she left her phone open they be finished.

I don't think OP that bad but she needs some counselling with her DP.

The OP would be better off with a OH who doesn't give in to a stroppy teenager moaning. Step child or not is all a red herring, she seems to be handling the baggage (and she refers to the children far more politely) absolutely fine actually.

There are things posted on MN all the time that people might not want their partners to find, quite frankly if her partner is snooping round what she has posted on MN then she may as well finish with him.

You can twist it how you like but the OP having a vent doesn't make her the evil step mum.

@Scorpio8

"Nothing like his first born too."

Weird hang up. Youngest were always actually the apple of most parents eyes, in eyes dads I know at least. Most dad when they come to have their second children with their wife have completely forgotten about the baby stage so no direct comparison is made also it's hard to have soft spots kids if they are in the fun teenage stage. No child immune to this even DSC.

The youngest often is the child with the highest dependancy which is why the focus is more often than not on them. Which is why most mums at least recongise that children maybe threatened by a sibling (like in any family) because the power dynamic shifts away from them.*

"But tread carefully incase ex get to know all this."

I mean unless she's gonna pay for the extra rooms it would be incredibly hard for her to have any influence in OPs house. Since she's respectfully irrelevant. *
*
"Otherwise she may face their mum and he will be even more annoyed at the being in the middle of that lol."

I mean I like my DSD mum but thankfully if she thought she could dictate what goes down in our house dh would laugh and tell her to jog on. As she isn't a priority or even a thought in our house. Other than to be polite to. Her moods mean 0. But I'm sure there are people who still act like they are married to their ex out there*
*
"There will be much more to come and will be a lot worse that bedroom issue."

Weird scare mongorging meant to keep sm in line. Lol 😂 also can I have next weeks lottery numbers ? Mystic Meg lines are busy.

There's so much whack a doodle stuff on this thread I'm not sure whether to laugh or feel incredibly sorry for you tbh. The fact your arguing so heavily for this means that you have a emotional investment that makes you truly want to believe it. Probably against evidence to contrary

If somehow he stumbled on this post if she left her phone open they be finished.

If your the ex wife and you think ahah I have got the bomb to send to my ex and won't I look like a complete 🛎 end well honestly that's just sad. Tbh.

The fact your arguing so heavily for this means that you have a emotional investment that makes you truly want to believe it.

Her other thread about her step mother is a treat @pitchforksandflamethrowers

Apparently her step mother has held her father back and its due to her he hasn't been able to afford to travel to see family. Oh if you ignore the fact that the @Scorpio8 doesn't work as much as she should and expects her father to keep subsidising her behind her step mothers back despite being a fully grown adult. All whilst expecting her step mum to shut up and do free childcare for her.

But apparently she has no agenda in being anti step mums....

The OP would be better off with a OH who doesn't give in to a stroppy teenager moaning. Step child or not is all a red herring, she seems to be handling the baggage (and she refers to the children far more politely) absolutely fine actually
**
The poor guy in awkward situation he probably thought that he had a good idea. She put her foot down.

Not at the moment she not handling the stepfamily situation.

There's suggestions I made to make things easier and not to disrupt her son's routine.

The other ones do need their space but I agree separating the room. If that's the only option. She banged on about decoration of her DS and the other room being just blue was it. It's not relevant the eldest wants space and maybe the other one too.

I just curious why the eldest wants his space. I do think a conversation needs to be had not for them to give in to the demands. But it might also be a simple thing too.
That's why I said could one sleep in the lounge to give the other space. It wouldn't be forever maybe until they sort the room out.
Otherwise the eldest will moan and moan and eventually not go and that will make her OH upset and he resend her for that.
I looked at all points her not just the stepchildren I even said I agree with her.
But she was wrong on the third point. She was harsh. I don't care if no one agrees.
I can see half of you splitting from your partners if your no onr careful with their attitude towards the SC.
For one minute have you ever thought how it affects your DP.
All need to grow up and act like adult not spoilt brats.
I pray these men wake up ditch you all

@Almondsandraisins oh god I have just read that thread. You know I started to feel sorry for pp but now she has my upmost pity tbh.

I think the fact that most on here realise that dad acting out of guilt isn't the same as a dad acting out of love nor is he playing favourites but the guilt game and I can imagine that being painful to any Dc to hear.

As a step child I'm so glad my parents raised me to be self sufficient and to not have to rely on someone I openly dislike to baby sit my children and rely on my fathers cash to find my lifestyle as a 40 year old.

Imagine what that must do to one's self worth. Sadly I think she's angry at the wrong person.

Maybe some counselling would help.

Whilst I appreciate your prayers that my DH will wake up and ditch me, I have already explained I am not a step parent. But thanks for praying for divorce for me, it feels so very religious but not in the spirit of religion at the same time...

Her DH decided to give in to a stroppy teenager, the OP disagreed. As an equal adult in an adult relationship she had the right to do so.

Its not exactly hard to work out why a 13 year old wants his own room, but that doesn't mean they can magically create one if he doesn't want the room partitioned.

@Scorpio8

All need to grow up and act like adult not spoilt brats.
I pray these men wake up ditch you all

Didn't you create a thread saying you hate your sm but you use her for free childcare and your father subsides your income and your calling us brats ?

LOL okay 👍🏻

I don't care if you post my thread doesn't scare me. Should scare you when your stepchildren get to be an adult. If you don't fix up now your ruin your marriage/ relationship.

Trying to help you ladies but all of you know best. One day you all learn just like the OP.
A serious lesson needed and would love to see positive threads.

Its an eye opener to the replies on here isn't it!

So you having an opinion is you trying to help, and other people having an opinion is 'us knowing best'

I'm not sure what the OP is supposed to have learnt in this senario, other than plenty of people on MN agree with her.

If you would like to see some positive threads you are welcome to go post some.

How is that going to "help" any of us? We are not your dad and step mum, you have absolutely zero insight into whether our marriages will be in trouble. Your situation is not universal.

@Almondsandraisins so beautifully done as well.

The ironic thing is, we are being educated that if we don't listen to DSC adult on here (which I am also one - probably I don't count in Pp world because I disagree) then we will lose our DH ... ironically she hasn't lost her step mum and as much as she hates and is clearly jealous of her sm, she's still around. Annoying the siht out of her.

So basically ladies the joy to come is - they may never like you but you will care less and be ok with it.

I really don't care lol.
You all stuck together talk bad about your stepkids and be there when your single
It's definitely an eye opener to how much counselling you all need to resolve your issues and think of your Dh/Dp.

No way this upsetting me just makes me laugh. You got a lot coming to you with the stepkids your own kids lol. The get the brunt of it if stepkids resend them because you resented them.
I don't like my stepkid oh I find 1 so annoying. My Oh let's his DD hey away with murder. Oh the ex this and that.

Why would you get with a man with children. If you cannot handle it.
Why not date a single man that way no baggage to deal with.
It's ridiculous honestly have a word with yourselves.

So I am enjoying this so fun.

Good luck to you all very much needed.

Thats a very good point about her SM still being married to her dad

So I think the firm lesson from here is be nice to your step children or they will leech money from your DH for years to come and wish divorce on all the women on the internet who dont agree with them

Such a shame I don't have step children with all the excellent advice being wafted around

It's definitely an eye opener to how much counselling you all need

Ironic

Well if I ever get together with a man with kids (now that you have cursed (sorry prayed) for my DH to divorce me) I will be sure to heed your wise instruction to be a doormat for my DH and step children.

Because apparently only wives need to think of their husbands feelings, never the reverse.

A 40 year old living off her fathers income telling people they need counselling because sm is clearly jealous of me😂😂😂 rightyho. So much so they came on to mn to give ransoms a lecture on the first born comes first 😂😂

Whos spoken badly about their step kids ?
I mean people have commented on a poster who has seemed a tad misguided...but that has nothing to do with them being a step child or not, more to do with general issues that poster faces as a human.

Did she know the man had 2 kids already? Was she forced to have a child with the same man? Did she not love the children but still decided to marry him? Care less what she pays for, doesn't mean squat. That said, the little one needs own room simply bc of all the needs of the little one and that's it. End of story, what is all this ridiculous rant? This post shouldn't exist...all she wants is to validate it's ok to resent the step children.