Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

[Bedroom192]

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

@aSofaNearYou

Yes ofcourse a man loves all his children. That boy his first so yes he might have a softer spot for the 13 year old why he suggested not saying OP wrong on the senco of the bedroom situation. Realize how he DP feeling he very torn.
It's horrible for the children who didn't ask for this situation. Yes they have to get use to it.
Soon OP won't have to worry because soon they won't be going over there to stay. She will be happy then. Another 3 years it won't be an issue.
There definitely will be a whole set of issues awaiting her. Good luck

There definitely will be a whole set of issues awaiting her. Good luck

@Scorpio8

Do you have a crystal ball, a tent and a fairground spot to go along with your predictions?

@aSofaNearYou

No Senco stupid phone mistyping lol.
But the bedroom situation. I agree the little one need his own to room but the attitude like a spoilt brat. I won't be buying a house with him for my ds not to have a room.
Yes but you have 1 he got 3 children to think of too. That will always be the case.
I just wonder how this poor man feels.
Hope this gets sorted and this don't end you both OP.
Think he deserves an apology and for you to suggest what people have said splitting the room.

From my own experience and that of friends I actually think it's more typical for it to appear that parents have a softer spot for the youngest child (not saying it's true but it's how a lot of people I know with siblings felt) because they are the "baby" of the family. I've certainly never really heard it being the opposite.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Well it common sense which you don't seem to have. Teenager get older and have a who set of new issues that come with it.

One might be good the other might be bad. Her husband will need her support and then there's her ds.

@CrockOff

I meant when they become a first time dad. They will have that experience of only having one and then having more later..
I wonder if he always remembers how it was before his second or his ds with her now.
Same goes for mothers.

He got the experience of the eldest two and now of the his new ds but the poor guy torn. He wants to please them all and he can't he will have to upset someone. I feel for him. But tread carefully incase ex get to know all this.

He won't be able to win in this. I actually wish they went for a four bedroom house. I get its not always possible.

There's always the SC side and the man side we don't know.

There definitely could be more to this too.

Sadly his side, her side and the truth.

But tread carefully incase ex get to know all this. the ex has nothing to do with this. She is irrelevant here.

That's craziness, because then the ex never gets a full break!

What has the ex got to do with this? Given they share a bedroom at the ex's house she clearly doesn't have a moral objection to shared bedrooms

And you concern for a 13 year old seems to be massively outweighing your concern for the 11 year old who is apparently to be thrown out of his bedroom and made to share with a toddler to appease the 'first born' 🙄

@Almondsandraisins

No he shouldn't share with the youngest buy can see why he said that..I agree it wouldn't work.

I feel sorry for these kids didn't ask to be in a situation like this. A simple solution everyones happy. I think what been suggested above.

Maybe that's it the 13yr old sharing all week by the time weekend comes he wants to have his space. We don't know what happens at the mum's house.

Well she put her foot down and his up to her Dp to sit his eldest and suggest splitting the room and them having their own room no possible. I think eldest wants his space from his brother now. Again it will fall on the parents to sit the boys down.

So basically you agree the OP has done nothing wrong due to the constraints of the house, but you are still hoping that the ex wont hear about it (because of some vague unvoiced threat of what might happen in your head) and the OPs DH deserves an apology even though the OP has said nothing wrong?

Clear enough I guess 🙄

That's craziness, because then the ex never gets a full break!
I hope this is a joke, as OP would never get a break from her DSC either but at least she wouldn't have the threat hanging over her that her marriage might end if the ex finds out the kids share at their dad's house too 😂😂😂

Agree the DSC share and the little one have his own room.

FWIW I was the older step child and got on brilliantly with my step mum and half siblings. But at no point was my DstepM my mother, or equivalent, nor did she 'effectively adopt' me. What nonsense.

@Almondsandraisins

There's other stuff she said that came across bad. She need to still fix her attitude this will not be first disagreement over the stepkids and realize how caught in the middle he is..she fighting for her son someone got to back them up that's any decent father would do. Otherwise she may face their mum and he will be even more annoyed at the being in the middle of that lol.

He isn't caught in the middle. Saying he is caught in the middle and dragging the ex into it who isn't even involved implies that the ex has one opinion, the op has another and her OH is stuck in the middle.

The reality is the OP is refusing to let her OH give in to a 13 year olds sons demands that disadvantage both his younger siblings. The irony is she is the only one actually parenting the three children properly (based on this thread) and yet somehow you have decided she is the wicked witch of the north.

Please tell me on what planet giving into a 13 year olds unreasonable demands is better fucking parenting, and not giving into them means she needs to 'fix her attitude'. What attitude, the one that says she gets an equal say of what happens in the house she lives in?

Step mothers are not second class citizens in their own homes you know?

@Almondsandraisins

No I agreed with the bedroom stuff.

Yes her OH is torn what to do and how he probably say to his eldest what he wants he can't get no space.

From that if he digs his heels in demand and then her OH just wants to give that will be the issue.

I feel something not right here not with the OP but the 13 year old..
Imagine his being his dad's first born he may want to move in.
He a typical teen and like I said soon he won't even want to go there and stay he be out with friends maybe getting into all sorts this when things may get harder.

I just hope the OP understands his difficult position and the conversation he will have to have with his son. It might see a big deal about your OH having kids and just saying no but it's difficult to them.
Especially when those boys won't have mum and dad together. Who knows how they dealing with the set up and may they just don't like the OP. I don't know if she has a good relationship with them otherwise she could have said to the eldest with OH that it's not possible.
It will seem now they got DS together he gets a lot but really they had 13 years and 11 years with their dad.
We just don't know how they are feeling to actually comment.
Like I have said a little work needs to be done here with her attitude. She keeps going she will lose him.

Like I have said a little work needs to be done here with her attitude. She keeps going she will lose him.

She...... will lose.... him????

I don't think you've got the dynamics right here. He.... risks losing.... her. He has far and away too much to lose in this situation.

Like I have said a little work needs to be done here with her attitude. She keeps going she will lose him.

Again, keeps going with what??

Imagine his being his dad's first born he may want to move in.

You seem absolutely obsessed with your status as "first born."

It's of very little significance.

Like what? Unless you're going to start actually backing up this claim you're just clogging over the thread. She hasn't said anything bad. And the mum's wrath is really not a concern 😂

You really do have a hang up with the first born thing don't you.

Sometimes the oldest is closer to the dad, sometimes the youngest, sometimes a middle child. Being born first does not make a child more likely to be closer to their father.

And precisely what attitude is she supposed to take to not 'lose' this man. We don't all have to be subservient with no opinions of our own you know.

She was right but what, she shouldn't express her correct opinion for fear of her man leaving her? Fuck that shit. There is no way I want to be in that relationship.

@Almondsandraisins

You blind because you see no issue with her showing resentment which clearing she is.

Tbh the issue is he partner suggestion and it's clear something up with eldest.
Nothing to do with my thread.

As I have said many people said she was harsh I feel she carries on it will split them up.

It's not even the bedroom issue that's is the issue it's the way she comes across about them.

That issue with the rooms can be resolved if instead of coming ranting it easily could have been sorted.

She says a lot I will point everything out in original post all resentment because of the issue with bedroom.

There is no resentment showing in these posts

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

Her husband has 3 maybe let him focus on the 2 and she left to look after 1.

Sorry if there's not issue here with her even admitting she unreasonable. She surely end up single.

She is wrong on the above comment. I even got the bedroom issue she blown it up out..I have said they need to understand his reasoning why he wants his space. Not that she should allow him to have the room and the 11 yr old sleep with her D's even I wouldn't allow it. She just rude

Well yes, her DH and her 13 yr old step son appear to think they can dictate to the OP how the house that she half owns/pays for is set up and the DH appears to only be thinking of the eldest sons needs, not the youngest (or even the middle sons for that matter)

SS13 is treating the OP like a visitor in her own home who doesn't have a say and unless the DH clamps down on his entitlement then his behaviour will worsen.

If her DH continues to let her SS treat her as if its not equally her home then yes she may end up single, because she may leave the man who wont parent his child properly.

There is someone being rude here but it isn't the OP. I never understand why people think what they say on a forum is what they have said to the DH or SS's face.

And actually its perfectly reasonable to show resentment if your DH is considering something that will detriment 2 out of 3 children because he doesn't want to say no to the first. The OP isn't supposed to swallow all her feelings and be a placid stone just because she is a step mum. Its perfectly okay to be resentful of unreasonable behaviour.