Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

[Bedroom192]

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

I was with you until you said "I don't have three children, I have one".

You chose to marry a man with two children. Your family includes three children. You should also be finding a way to afford a house where each of your three children between you can have their own room.

I was completely on your side, until you made out like this was just your husband's problem. YABU.

Totally agree with you. I wouldn't change rooms either. It makes no sense!

The way you speak about the step kids is a little strange though tbh. There are 3 kids in the house not just 1. You just sound very harsh! Do you not get on with them too well?

Nope, it makes perfect sense to keep it how it is.
Two years age difference compared to eight years age difference just simply wouldn't work.
I had to chuckle when you said they have to share at home!!! Is he demanding his mum magics up a separate bedroom?!

My two brothers (6 years age difference) had to share until the day my older brother moved out! It's life!

I'd quite like to magic up a lovely 4 bedroom detached house in the country but hey, I can't afford it!

I agree with others, they keep it today and you'll all work out a way to screen it off. Just like countless others have to do.

*tidy

If they were all OP's children she would have the authority to make the eldest two tidy their room. She has 1 child, not 3.

I had to chuckle when you said they have to share at home!!! Is he demanding his mum magics up a separate bedroom?!

Did you not read that the OP said they have the SDC 50:50 @rainbowstardrops ? Or do you just automatically consider a mum’s house ‘the home’? If so, you might want to stop chuckling for a sec and consider why you think that.

@DuchessDarty I imagine she's responding in kind to some of the fairly mad responses on here. Humans are gonna human.

I mean most teenagers iMO have a tendency to bratishment,selfishness, laziness ect because their brains are taking a massive developmental leap but doesn't mean they are forever going to be this way. It means they are showing behaviours of those things and that can be in the moment dislikeable. If this was a mum taking about her Dc I doubt people would be commenting that she seems to resent her step kids.

Certain ages are known for pushing boundaries teenagers and toddlers for instance.

Certainly any child trying to guilt his dad into having a room all of his own, isn't thinking of anyone other than himself (or maybe even maybe given thought to anyone else), I don't think it's a step issue just a normal teenager pushing boundaries (which is normal) and I would say the same in a nuclear family set up too - just people wouldn't be blasting the op for saying these things if she was mum opposed to step mum.

You can be empathetic to any childs wants and still tell them no, sometimes the most empathetic response is no.

Based on OPs comments, she's taking on the partition wall idea to DH. Financially it's not always feasible to be able to have a four bed house and the costs of it or to build a loft or basement (all valid ideas but may not work)

As a side note- I find toddlers harder work than teenagers based on my lived experience but different strokes different folks.

It doesn't make sense to move them - irrespective of whether they are full siblings, the age difference doesn't work.

The best option is to split the room. B&Q do floor to ceiling room dividers that don't need any fixing as they're tensioned between the floor and ceiling with screws. You can even add doors and windows. Or divide as PP said using bunk beds. This link shows how to DIY it. However, room division would - for me - only happen if 11 and 13 yr olds keep their room tidy for x amount of time.

craftedpine.co.uk/blogs/crafted-pine-blog/dividing-a-bedroom-with-bunkbeds

Yes I did read it thanks! So sorry I should have put their other home!
Jeez. Nitpicker.

You should also be finding a way to afford a house where each of your three children between you can have their own room.

Is a room each a requirement? I'm sure there are children up and down the country sharing a room with a sibling.

You should also be finding a way to afford a house where each of your three children between you can have their own room

It's pretty normal for kids to share bedrooms. Bunk beds were made for a reason.
I didn't have my own bedroom until I moved out.

I would also be questioning what happens in 2 years when the 11 year old demands their own room too?! What will DH say to that when he's already allowed it for one?!

No where in the thread have I said I haven't spoken empathetically to DSC13 about it. The issue is between me and DH, not me and DSC13.

This is her husbands "problem" he has 3 kids he's found someone able to help finance one of them (her own). Its up to him now to make up the difference for the other two to have their own room or explain to them that just like many many children up and down the country they have to share a room.

I mean I'd like my own room for my work stuff, instead of having to share with DH but we can't afford to just buy a room for my office etc so I just have to make do with a little corner of the house.

It's just factual saying I have 1 child not 3. There are 3 children in my family but only 1 is mine. Both of those statements are correct.

As I've said, I consider DSC a lot, I pay for a lot, I include them in a lot, I do a lot for them. But I will never do anything that disadvantages my son to benefit them. That's my line.

That's very generous of you. I don't pay anything for my DSC other than a higher mortgage than I otherwise would ad we need an extra room for them to share and half the bills.

I meant if you're saying this is just your husband's problem. If affording a house is on the question at all, that shouldn't just be your husband's issue, just because they are HIS children. I just find the attitude pretty awful.

Yes if he thinks it's imperative that DSC have a room by himself he needs to sort a 4 bed house. I personally don't think it's a huge issue him sharing. Certainly not to the point I'll be working extra or taking on a higher mortgage than we need / want to make it happen.

I'm not saying we'll never have a 4 bedroom house in the future. But right now it's not that much of an important issue imo that we'd need to move house to make it happen, taking on a bigger mortgage than we'd like and leaving a house that is good for us in other ways.

@Bedroom192 you aren't being unreasonable. Please ignore the posters that don't quite see how if DH is desperate for all the kids to have their own room and you don't, it is in effect his problem.

It's fine for him to want it, it's fine for you not to be fussed. The person who cares the most about something should be the driving force behind making it happen ( that's not to say you won't be involved as I'm sure you will still contribute financially)

But we really have to stop with this whole a man wants this so a women must absolutely bend over backwards to make it happen.

Again these posters wouldn't be saying this to you if your title didn't have step in it.

Are you planning to have any more children? The older one is getting to the age where he might not want to keep coming over, so problem in your house might soon be solved!

I imagine she's responding in kind to some of the fairly mad responses on here. Humans are gonna human.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers By ‘she’ you mean @For rather than the OP, right? If so, I don’t think that people suggesting to a grown woman directly that she may not be showing enough kindness is equivalent to saying that a child is clearly bullying the people he considers weaker (the OP as she’s a woman and her toddler). Based on no evidence. The OP can respond to accusations about her, the child cannot. One is a grown up, one is a child who is doing a very normal teenage thing of asking for his own room.

If this was a mum taking about her Dc I doubt people would be commenting that she seems to resent her step kids.

Well no. Because all the kids were the mum’s; there wouldn’t be step-children to resent. And if the teenagers were the mum’s and the toddler was her step-child, as in this scenario she’d be advocating for her step-child to keep a room to themselves…

If all the kids were the OP’s and she was talking about her teenagers with this level of detachment in comparison to how she talks about the toddler, posters would probably raise it.

Completely agree teenagers are selfish. They’re designed to be. When people say take an empathetic approach, they don’t mean say yes. They mean acknowledge his feelings, ask him for solutions (doesn’t mean you’ll say yes), and see what you can do to make things a little better for him. Eg he and the 11yo taking turns to have an hour alone in the room,, or a new freedom/responsibility that recognises he’s the oldest. Those are examples of the top of my head, I’m not necessarily saying they should be done.

Just say no, it’s vastly impractical with the age gap and completely reasonable for your DSC to both share a room as they are similar. I reckon your DSC13 knows it’s unreasonable and is pushing the boundaries a bit. Stay firm.

Similar in age I meant