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Original poster

Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

311 replies

Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:08

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

OP posts:
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Yousee · 14/08/2022 18:51

Surely PPs can understand a mother feely a little prickly when her DH makes stupid suggestions to benefit his DC to the detriment of their own?
Off the top of head, two occasions I've felt the cold winds of "absolutely fucking not" WRT DSD:

  1. DH wants her in my will equal to my children (I don't pay CM for her now, not suddenly going to start providing financially for her when I'm dead)
  2. DH huffed about her being in the smallest room in our new house (she's the only person in the family who has their own room - due to gender/age gap - and is here EOW and half hols - why would we be squishing the full time residents up only to waste all that space??)

I don't feel cold towards her generally at all, but when I feel the fundamental best interests of my own children are under threat, yeah I don't like that.
So I think OP deserves a break on that score. The fact that her DH is even entertaining this nonsense would really piss me off.

bluberries · 14/08/2022 19:04

bcc89 · 14/08/2022 18:10

I meant if you're saying this is just your husband's problem. If affording a house is on the question at all, that shouldn't just be your husband's issue, just because they are HIS children. I just find the attitude pretty awful.

Show quote history

Well it is his problem tbh

DuchessDarty · 14/08/2022 19:05

In this situation the DH is making a suggestion that would benefit one of his DC, to the detriment of two of his DC. I think this is the way to explain it to him. It’s not his child versus the OP’s.

I do feel sorry for the 13yo but birth order and age gaps can be a bitch.

DarkShade · 14/08/2022 19:25

Your DH is being so short sighted. Yes the middle child might be fine with sharing with a toddler now, but he absolutely will not be fine at 14 sharing with a 6 year old while his brother has his own room. It's massively unfair.

Your elder one will be doing his own thing in a few years time and less likely to spend loads of time there anyway.

LearnedAxolotl · 14/08/2022 19:30

The 11yo can't share with a 3yo. That's not fair to anyone. He's going to be a teenager very soon. Plus what if the 11yo then starts stamping his feet and demanding his own room? Your dc going to sleep in the shed?

wordler · 14/08/2022 19:32

DuchessDarty · 14/08/2022 19:05

In this situation the DH is making a suggestion that would benefit one of his DC, to the detriment of two of his DC. I think this is the way to explain it to him. It’s not his child versus the OP’s.

I do feel sorry for the 13yo but birth order and age gaps can be a bitch.

This is the best way to discuss with your DH - the age range means it's going to impact both the younger boys if the 13 year-old had a room to himself.

To keep things more peaceful at home try to get to the bottom of why having a room of his own is 'all he wants in life' now. Is it lack of alone time (some of us introverts need that for our mental health), is it noise related, feeling displaced by all these new younger siblings? Do the 11 and 13 year old have all the same bedtimes and privileges?

I'd go with a room makeover for them - creating more individual space, partition, individual decor etc, and combine it with giving your 13-year-old more alone time or time away from all other kids on a regular basis. So DH take the older ones out separately for individual treats or activities on a regular basis.

Another idea is it possible to create a hangout space in the loft, or in the garden in a little summer house / shed that the older kids could take turns using. So that they only sleep in the same room but there is space to hang out with friends or study on their own.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 14/08/2022 19:40

@DuchessDarty no I was referring to
op, not the other poster (who without sounding harsh - was my focus of my posts but my response to ops comments).
I think ops responses in my opinion maybe just due to some of fairly hairy comments on this thread

You will excuse my ignorance but I don't get your reference re bullying -from have seen there hasn't been examples of bullying from DSC but I granted may have missed something.

I don't think op would be willing to suggest one of the ideas to DH if she wasn't empathetic to DSC feelings on some level.

wordler · 14/08/2022 19:48

Also - it might have been prompted by seeing and hanging out at friends' houses and realising it's fun to have your own space and have friends round. Perhaps he's the only one of his friends group that has a younger sibling hanging around all the time.

If that's the case I do think having a 'cool teen hangout' space where the older kids can take turns to have friends over might go some way to help ease his upset over not having his own room.

ImAvingOops · 14/08/2022 20:16

I think the OP is pissed off at her husband and some posters are reading that as her being cold towards the children. I don't think she is - I think she's just annoyed that she already pays more than is strictly speaking her share and still her h isn't fucking happy and is demanding more!
Shes just expressing her frustration that he is wanting her to sub his commitments to his children at the expense of her own.

lookluv · 14/08/2022 20:30

I shared with my sister from 12-16 - hated it but that was life. He will get over it. My sister had the far corner and I was by the door which meant she walked through my space every time and I was never allowed on her side of the bed room. It was small and petty but it really niggled me at the time. Logic has little space in the average teen brain.
I always felt hard done by on the room front, we moved house when I was 16 and I finally got my own space, my brother who had previously had a big room all to himself now got the smallest room as the youngest!! I went to Uni aged 18 in the September and when I came home that Xmas, he had moved me out of the room into the small room and it has pissed me off ever since = as it was thereafter known as his room and the small room was never mine - as pathetic as it was - I felt less important than my DB. This teen will feel Dad is prioritising youngest DC over eldest irrespective of practicalities

It happens in all families, blended or otherwise

Just less of the vitriol on this forum would be ideal, the teen can ask, he can moan but at the end of the day practicalities and life happen. He would not be a teen if he didn't just don't need the vile comments that are coming out.

DuchessDarty · 14/08/2022 20:34

For · 14/08/2022 15:47

You’re in the right OP, and everyone knows it including your DH, who is being weak and doing a crap job of saying ‘no’ to a stroppy lazy teen who clearly needs to hear it.

Don’t let them bully you.

If the DSC room is big enough, maybe consider a partition, but really the problem is DS13 wanting to feel powerful in the household. I bet this isn’t even about him wanting his own room, it’s about exerting power in the household over those he instinctively perceives as weakest: the woman and the youngest child. If DS13 was already in his own room, he would be challenging you in some other way about something else, and getting his dad to back him up.

Only your DH can get him back in his box.

Tell your DH to sort out his kid.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers this us the list I was referring to that mentions bullying and the 13yo trying to exert power over who he feels is the weakest. As you say there is no evidence for this view so I’m not quite sure where it comes from.

Thanks for clarifying you meant the OP. It was the post above and a few other comments by PP that I was saying were harsh about the 13yo, not the OP’s.

DuchessDarty · 14/08/2022 20:35

Bloody typos/autocorrect: this is the post…

NewMoney1000000 · 14/08/2022 20:41

The choice is a partition or no partition, that’s it.

ilovemyboys3 · 14/08/2022 21:05

Stand your ground end of!

LightningAndRainbows · 14/08/2022 21:20

Could DH pay for a shed in the garden or a caravan?

SpaceshiptoMars · 14/08/2022 21:26

@DuchessDarty @For

I have come across someone similar to the lad that For describes, and can only feel sympathy for her at whatever age he impacted her life... However, that list is pure projection, and it will only compound problems to assume the worst motives of this 13yr old. More likely to be very immature and not considering anyone's needs and feelings other than his own!

BronzeSage · 14/08/2022 22:51

I like the solution proposed by RandomMess.

sundayvibeswig22 · 14/08/2022 23:15

I agree with pp that the fact they're dsc is a red herring. The dsc are the same sex and similar in age. Your dc is a toddler. It makes logical sense (to most people anyway) that the two oldest should share. Your dsc sounds like he's trying to assert some power. You and your dh need to stand firm. I'm from a family of 5 dc. My two brothers shared and two sisters shared. I had a room of my own as I was 5 years older than my next sister. It's hardly child abuse to share!

LearnedAxolotl · 14/08/2022 23:19

lookluv · 14/08/2022 20:30

I shared with my sister from 12-16 - hated it but that was life. He will get over it. My sister had the far corner and I was by the door which meant she walked through my space every time and I was never allowed on her side of the bed room. It was small and petty but it really niggled me at the time. Logic has little space in the average teen brain.
I always felt hard done by on the room front, we moved house when I was 16 and I finally got my own space, my brother who had previously had a big room all to himself now got the smallest room as the youngest!! I went to Uni aged 18 in the September and when I came home that Xmas, he had moved me out of the room into the small room and it has pissed me off ever since = as it was thereafter known as his room and the small room was never mine - as pathetic as it was - I felt less important than my DB. This teen will feel Dad is prioritising youngest DC over eldest irrespective of practicalities

It happens in all families, blended or otherwise

Just less of the vitriol on this forum would be ideal, the teen can ask, he can moan but at the end of the day practicalities and life happen. He would not be a teen if he didn't just don't need the vile comments that are coming out.

If you're away most of the time why should the big room sit there empty and your brother get a small room?

rnsaslkih · 14/08/2022 23:26

I’d tell dh he needs to be stricter with the state of their bedroom.

you and your dh should clean and tidy it up as a one off when the boys aren’t there. Then make sure you have maximised storage opportunities etc. then put a partition in.

WhistPie · 15/08/2022 00:06

Why don't you suggest to DH that the 13 yo has a room to himself, as does the 11 yo. The 3yo then sleeps with you & DH - it may put a dampener on your sex life but surely he'll think it worth it to make the 2 elder boys happy?

lookluv · 15/08/2022 00:17

Learned - it was the not asking and just moving my stuff that annoyed me. He could have moved into big sis room which was bigger but no he chose mine. I understand the logic sometimes the manner and execution are lacking. He went through my stuff - he knew I was coming back as halls kicked you out at the end of term. I was gone 9 weeks ffs!!!

In this house the eldest will never have a room of his own - he will leave home and younger bro will get room to himself and the youngest will have room to himself.
You can see why he wants his own space as all teenagers male or female do - in this case he will never get what he wants whether that is right or wrong is irrelevant - he will feel hard done by.

Yousee · 15/08/2022 06:58

@WhistPie I'm pretty sure your suggestion was in jest, but this does come up quite often on these threads as a serious suggestion. Which fascinates me as there must be some magical way that people know how to stop younger half siblings from growing from 3 year olds into 6 year olds and then 9 year olds etc for however long it suits everyone else in the family.
Which of course is open ended because I've also read very Ernest arguements about why a 22 year old DSC who stays one night a year should not be "pushed out" by having their room redecorated for a younger sibling to use 🤔

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 15/08/2022 07:01

WhistPie · 15/08/2022 00:06

Why don't you suggest to DH that the 13 yo has a room to himself, as does the 11 yo. The 3yo then sleeps with you & DH - it may put a dampener on your sex life but surely he'll think it worth it to make the 2 elder boys happy?

Have you slept with a 3 year old ? They don't suddenly stop growing.

Why does keeping the elder too happy have more value than the 3 year old ?

Sigh

Starseeking · 15/08/2022 07:25

WhistPie · 15/08/2022 00:06

Why don't you suggest to DH that the 13 yo has a room to himself, as does the 11 yo. The 3yo then sleeps with you & DH - it may put a dampener on your sex life but surely he'll think it worth it to make the 2 elder boys happy?

I'm sure this suggestion must be a joke to get the DH to see sense once it impacts on him, otherwise ConfusedConfusedConfused

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