Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

[Bedroom192]

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

If he wants 3 kids and wants each to have a separate room then he needs to earn more.

Pretty simple really.

Most people with 3 kids either accept life is more expensive and it's worth it, or are high earners and can afford it without compromising their lifestyle.

Unfortunately I want doesn’t mean I get. It is totally reasonable for your stepsons to share a room and to make it easier in your situation it is the same at their mums. I would be seriously pissed off with your DH tbh for even suggesting a change. As you say if he is that desperate for everyone to have their own room he needs to work out how to pay for it, of course you have to be nice to his kids but it is not your responsibility to house them.

You’re in the right OP, and everyone knows it including your DH, who is being weak and doing a crap job of saying ‘no’ to a stroppy lazy teen who clearly needs to hear it.

Don’t let them bully you.

If the DSC room is big enough, maybe consider a partition, but really the problem is DS13 wanting to feel powerful in the household. I bet this isn’t even about him wanting his own room, it’s about exerting power in the household over those he instinctively perceives as weakest: the woman and the youngest child. If DS13 was already in his own room, he would be challenging you in some other way about something else, and getting his dad to back him up.

Only your DH can get him back in his box.

Tell your DH to sort out his kid.

Of course the fair thing would be that they share with the younger child 50:50, one week the thirteen year old shares bed at 7pm and the following week the 11 year old shares. The three year old keeps the themed room. The shared room has a budget to update of their choice. Their shared things are kept in their shared room.

I think once this is suggested the thirteen year old will never mention it again, apart from to ask how much budget can we have to do up the room?

Good luck op

Excellent suggestions by PP to speak to the 13yo about it empathetically.

Agree with this - it's not a crime for a 13 year old to want their own space, it's also not a crime for your DH to consider it as an option.

It's not realistic though, and the person I'd feel most sorry for would be the 11 year old who would care more about sharing with a toddler than the toddler probably would!

It's just life unfortunately, the 13 year old will suck it up eventually (hopefully...!!!)

Do you have garden space for a shed to be a den? Still have to share a bedroom for sleeping, but have somewhere quiet and private to escape to if needed.

Spend £25k on a loft conversation/child cave to placate a 13 year old?

Really?

Plenty of children grow up sharing a room and survive.

In this case it's a nice large room and has been kitted out to meet every teen desire,

You are actually allowed to say 'no" to children.....

It'll not work with the 11 year old sharing with the toddler. It'll come unstuck the first evening.

Does your DH seriously think it's reasonable and fair to make the 11 yr old share with a 3 yr old? They would both hate that. In order to give one what he wants he's being unfair to the other. What if 11 yr old then announces its also all he ever wanted to have a room to himself? Will DH move the youngest into the shed?

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.
This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

These are issues you should have considered when you chose to have a child with a man who already had two children. DSC13 and DSC11 have clearly been the losers when their parents decided to have second families with new partners.

However, I do agree that DSC(11 & 13) should continue to share a room under the circumstances.

Chill! I’m not suggesting a £25K attic conversion, now am I? I’m saying if there’s a suitable attic space the OP’s family could consider the possibility of making ‘a room’ (board it out etc) relatively cheaply if that adds some extra space for growing teens, in the absence of a 4-bed house.

Of course you can say no. Of course you don’t need to ‘placate’ a 13-year-old by indulging their every whim.

But on the flip side he’s a kid with 2 homes, both of which he has to share space at, who’s expressing his ‘greatest desire’ is for a room of his own. It’s also OK to listen to that desire sympathetically and see if there’s a solution that’s practical and not ruinously expensive.

13? Probably just wants some privacy to have a wank 😂. Sorry but it's true. He'll likely start spending a LOT of time in the bathroom. I agree a room divider seems the best option here.

Not a chance would i give eldest own room in your circs. Of course the child that lives there full time should get their own room. And with the age difference as well, it's a ridiculous suggestion from DH.
The two eldest share at Mum's too, so no different.

@Herbie0987's post was in support of you @Bedroom192. They were saying your DH cannot just think about 1 DC, given he has 3, unlike you who has 1. DH does not have the luxury of putting the desires of his DS13 above, and in front of, everyone else in the household.

You're absolutely fine OP. Your DH is being ridiculous and blinded by some sort of dad guilt.

DH is in the wrong.

No way would I give up my childrens room for a step child who doesn’t live there full time.

I agree with you, don't change anything. Agree with a previous poster, put a partition up, to divide the sc's room.

Then tell them to pester their mum about it as there's nothing you can do

I agree with not changing the current set up. A 3 and 11 year old sharing isn't going to work.
But a partition for the room or an alternative hang out space (if affordable) would be a nice compromise.
A boarded out attic or shed could be made into a cool teen space.

FFS there are always - what I imagine are 'the ex-w' on these boards who look for any possible sleight that their kids are not treated in exactly the same way in all matters as the SM dc.. regardless of any practicalities involved. It's completely batshit bonkers.

Of course the bedroom set up stays as it is. You can't put a 3 year old in with an 11 year old. End of.

Sdc are exactly the same as all dc. They chance their arm and need to be told 'no' - for the reasons stated.

No child - step or otherwise will need trauma counselling because they had to share a room.

You get what you are given within the capability of your parents economic circumstances.

My previous neighbours went down the route of letting their teenage son have the garden shed to turn into a den. In the end they couldn't get him out of it, he loved it.

Suddenly the shed was the tidiest place in their home. The son painted it inside, begged a comfy chair from his grandad, got other bits and bobs donated - even a mini fridge. He had his posters, plants, books, out there it was his domain.

The wifi worked out there and with a waterproof extension lead at his disposal he was happy as Larry. He didn't sleep out there, although he probably would have done if his parents would let him.

We've considered the loft before but it's not really suitable.

Extension not financially feasible

YANBU, age gap, different bedtimes, tidyness: all good arguments. The financial 50% aspect makes sense as well but I wouldn’t bring it up as it can be taken the wrong way.

Offer the partition. It's that or nothing.