Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

[Bedroom192]

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

Have you a 2nd reception room that they could use in the evening as their space?

Partioning may be more attractive when they accept having their own room won't help.

One night a week the boys alternate to come on their own?

We don't have a second reception room.

I'll tell him it's partition or nothing (DH I mean).

I don't think their parents would ever agree to them coming by themselves.

Not a chance. Resident child, huge age gap, different sleep patterns.. Your argument about you paying 50% is reasonable and valid but actually not even needed here. Daddy post divorce guilt of some sort playing up. Your DH needs to go and sort himself out.

I am the biggest advocate for step kids there is , I can’t stand posts when it’s clear the step kids are treated differently to the biological kids.
your post isn’t about this , it’s perfectly fair and if they were all biological kids of both of yours I’d say the same !
stick to your guns x

@Bedroom192 Would this work in the dsc bedroom? They would have clearly defined own space within the one room.

It would work yes but whether we'd be able to DIY it is another story 🤣

I’m sympathetic to step children, I was a step child myself.

in this case, I would keep things as they are, the two oldest boys need to share a room. The 13 year just cannot have everything he wants.

Assuming a garage conversion is not a possibility either... I also think that your DC should keep his own room. I would point out the reasons for the two youngest not sharing, but would focus my arguments when presenting on how it is not fair on the middle DC. Essentially he would be kicked out of his room from 7pm every night, so as not to wake your youngest. How is that fair? Does the middle child not deserve to access his own room at all times, and to make reasonable noise in it, until his bedtime? Playing computer games, chatting with friends etc or even having them for sleepovers etc. In essence, your DH is favouring his eldest over his second child and this is not fair on the middle child. Focus your arguments on how he is forgetting the middle child.

Whilst you say your DH wouldn't consider having the two boys on different weeks, offer it as a solution. It shows willing on your side, and is a solution he is refusing to consider, which kind of puts the emphasis back on him to find a solution. Even if the two boys staggered their time, so they spent some time together and some time alone. Eg child 1 was with you Mon - Wed, Child 2, Tues - Thurs.

Also, I don't know about sizes of room, but if you have the biggest, would you consider swapping with the boys so they had the biggest room and split as others have suggested? If you can do this. shows willing on your part.

What about PP's suggestion of speaking to the 13yo about it empathetically and listening to what he says, even though you have to say no, then coming up with ideas where you can make things better for him, eg. partition?

Also, assume middle child will be going up to secondary in Sept. Will he not want his own room to study in of an evening? Can't do that, play music etc if younger sibling is sleeping there.

I love all the comments saying keep the rooms as they are but apparently op resent/wants DSC gone/second class citizens ext 🙄

If people think damage has been done to DSC due to the split. It's up to mum and dad to make up for this as they are the reason DSC live across two homes. Not op.

Just imo of course as a step child.
Op your fine, your husband is being silly.

It was 1 boy, 2 girls, 2 parents growing up.
Boy got his own room, girls shared.
Boy left home, but instead of allowing 1 girl to move into the extra room, parents turned it into office for father.
Youngest girl finally got her own room at 14 when there were no more kids left at home.
You may not get what you want, but you get what you need…

They just have to cope with what they've got. They can't expect to boot someone who lives there all the time out of their room.

Any way of putting up a partition in one of the bedrooms ? If not do they at least have the largest of the bedrooms ?

I get your third point completely. I have a DD with my DP and two DSS’s I am the main bread winner , pay for a lot sometimes more than 50/50 of bills due to CM, I paid for a gorgeous room for DD and my DP didn’t pay a dent the two DSS room is always messy and dad has dad guilt so doesn’t make them tidy and is too stingy to pay for nice interiors.

I have zero guilt my DD has a nicer tidier room that I paid for and spend time tidying

I love all the comments saying keep the rooms as they are but apparently op resent/wants DSC gone/second class citizens ext 🙄

And on the flipside of that @pitchforksandflamethrowers is all the comments talking about the 13yo being a brat. Or in one case, “controlling” and deliberately trying to bully the woman and the small child in the house. Very unreasonable comments by @For there.

I was certainly on the OP’s side in this disagreement from the beginning and still am, but the more she replies, the more I wonder how genuinely empathetic she is to the DSC1.

The OP has had lots of suggestions and has responded to why some won’t work but hasn’t acknowledged/responded to the advice about talking to her DSC. Or refuted that he’s a brat or on a power trip.

On another note, filling an 11yo and 13yo’s room with lots of tech isn’t necessarily the best thing for them. It makes it much harder to control internet and gaming usage.

I'm surprised no one has told you yet to put your DC in your room so the SDC can have a room each. Bio children aren't usually allowed equality on here.

@hoglethotel why should the boys be split up though and its still not your own room is it ?
Maybe her dh actually wants to see all his children together
There are great temp solutions to giving extra space
Assuming the 2 sharing have the largest room in the house ? Its possible to make almost separate spaces
When we had 2 bed with our 2 boys we as adults moved to the smaller room and gave them the larger one so they could have more space and separate zones as such
Op are they in the largest room and your ds in the smallest of the 3

We have DSC9 all half terms and half of the summer holidays. We use her room as an office when she's not here and when she is we just put all her stuff in etc and make the bed up in there. It is what it is but she can't share with my DC as one is a 10yr old boy and the other is a toddler who, like you say, goes to bed early etc etc.

It is what it is for now!

Agree your current room split is the only sensible solution.

I do feel sorry for both the DSC though - both parents have chosen to go ahead and have new families who then get their own rooms, they have to move around and share all the time. I'm far from a step child worshipper but I can see how they must be frustrated and the teenage years are going to be hard. I think you (as a couple) need to put some effort into giving them their own space - room divider, garden room, garage, even a shed would be better than nothing.

YANBU and generally I am not on stepmum's sides.

@bluberries maybe they do pester there mum, there os nothing wrong with the 13 year old wanting there own space , thats normal , its just a case of explaining to them that you have limited options and explaining etc ,

I would not let them take my child's room, but I do think you should tidy theirs with them helping, I couldn't allow this in my home. They need to be taught what is acceptable. X

You're too kind to them! No way would one room in my house be a pigsty.

Teenagers or not, it's not necessary

@worriedatthistime

If the eldest wants his own room, and there's no other way to achieve it, then this a perfectly adequate solution that should be considered, but is also perfectly able to be dismissed.

Not sure why the dad's desire to see the children together should trump the Children’s desire to have their own space. And they could also stagger the days so they have the room to themselves some of the time, but share on others. This way children get their own space, but dad also gets time with all 3 children together.

Short of magically finding an extra room, they are going to have to find a compromise somewhere and they need to consider all options, and free to dismiss any that don't suit.