8 years, I think I'm done

[Sabota]

Been with DH for 8 years and have a now 16 year old DSS. Love him dearly but, I'm so, so tired.

DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed.

DH has ADHD and finds organising, cleaning and managing too overwhelming so the majority of it always falls on me. We've had countless arguments and he promises to try harder but, it's never happened.

I've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

But, its actually more now.

DSS prefers it here because DH waits on him, orders his favorite food and doesn't expect anything in the way of cleaning up after himself. If DSS doesn't get his way, he goes silent on his dad and DH is falling over himself to make things better.

He eats, lays on the sofa or takes over our DD5 bedroom. We have a open plan kitchen/living room but flat is small so I wake up to both DH and DSS sleeping in the only other room. The smell of testosterone this morning was enough for me.
I take my DD5 out just so we're not clambering over each other but still come home to clutter and crap.

I have a midweek visit to look forward to for 2 nights this week (I wfh 40 hours a week) as well as next weekend. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of cleaning, clearing and trying to make the place look less chaotic.

I don't actually know why I'm writing this post other than to vent. And because I just don't know how to make this any better.

Does it get better??

Your husband is never going to be the partner you want him to be. The SS is just another victim of his shitty behaviour. Cut your losses and move into your own place/ask him to leave. Sounds like it would be better for everyone.

Wrong place to vent I'm afraid - ur a Step-mum so pre-judged to only care about urself and the needs of ur "own". Ur not going to get a fair hearing so wouldn't bother trying.

Speak to family or those that know ur situation for advice. They will know if ur being unreasonable or not

[quote RussianSpy101]@Getyourarseofffthequattro they managed to get another bedroom when she got pregnant[/quote]
Yes they did, because it's ops child, ops responsibility.

If the dad wanted to take responsibility for his own child, he really shouldn't have moved in with op into a one bedroom flat, should he?

It is not her responsibility to provide a bedroom for his child. It's his.

[quote RussianSpy101]@Getyourarseofffthequattro they managed to get another bedroom when she got pregnant[/quote]
No, OP said it was when their daughter was over a year old that they moved.

They had to stay in the area for her mother, and they rented what they were able to afford, and juggled.

It's not working. And OP is now bereaved on top of everything else.

[quote Sabota]@sprucewillis, I didn't move in with DH, he moved in with me.
I had a 1 bed flat. DD was a surprise baby and because of my mother, we had to stay in the area and only a 2 bed was affordable. Read my previous posts, even then, we were 4 people in a one bed for almost 14 months before moving to a slightly larger flat.
I've done what I can. My DH should've done more and he hasn't. There's my problem and not with SS who, believe it or not, I love dearly.[/quote]
I think you're getting a hard time over the bedroom. And you're right DH is the issue. My only concern would be what happens now going forwards. Would your DH expect to have your DC to stay for any length of time? If he cant afford space or clean and feed his Son how will he cope with 2?

Why do you live in a two bedroom flat when you have two, different sex, children? Surely they both need a space to themselves, the teenage stepson more so?

It is not her responsibility to provide a bedroom for his child. It's his. I agree. And it's not really helpful to OP to just keep saying on repeat that they should have got him a bedroom. If it wasn't an issue for dad why should it bother OP.

Does your DSS have any plans to go to Uni? He's 17, this situation shouldn't continue indefinitely.
It's harder in a small space and you are on top of each other.
My DSC certainly followed their Dads lead on tidiness (he isn't and they weren't!) But managed to be tidy at Mums (she is, they were).
It can be hard work living with teenagers - look on the Teenagers board. These are non step families too, really struggling.
My tips, ruthlessly declutter. The less there is, the easier it is to feel less overwhelmed.

So DH hasn’t provided a room for his child, does no housework when his child is there and doesn’t parent (either?) child sufficiently.

What are his good points? Loves his family, has a plan for your lives to improve, works hard?

Really from what you’ve written I suspect you’ve been minding a man child from day 1, he would still be inadequate without the SC.

You, DD (& SC Tbf) deserve better, you don’t need to stay another 8 years.

Disclaimer - I’m not an SM.

@timestheyarechanging

Why do you live in a two bedroom flat when you have two, different sex, children? Surely they both need a space to themselves, the teenage stepson more so?

How is this helpful now?

It is a DH problem. You and DSS are caught on it.

Is your DH likely to be any different when your DD becomes a teen? If not, I would be starting putting my ducks in a row, it is not easy to do all the parenting alone when carrying another adult on your shoulders as well.

Is the DSS planning on going to uni? If so, things may be much easier when he does.

It was the responsibility of the OP and her DH to make space for his child - they did this for their joint child.

The sofa was fine when a 1 bed and should still in theory be fine in a 2 bed house but now it is too much for OP to cope with because of other things that have not been addressed.

This is more about the adult relationship and dynamic than the DSS. OP sadly needs to fix this before anything else can be resolved.

I listened to you OP. Step parents (esp mums) on here are made to feel shite if they don’t accommodate sc above and beyond their own kids or comfort. You know it’s DH with his convenient ADHD that prevents him being a parent or helping. And it sounds like you have taken on the non Disney parenting bit while he is there. What’s your relationship like with him? Does he listen to you? Can you sit him down and talk to him? 16 year olds can be just like big toddlers (Kevin and Perry was close to the truth!) but sometimes they still need an adult to adult. Pack your Dd up, walkout and say, we are off out, you guys get time alone and need to do some tidying oh and dinner when we come back. I’ve done my bit for this week.

It was the responsibility of the OP and her DH to make space for his child - they did this for their joint child.

No, it was just DHs.

@Sprucewillis I disagree with you. When two adults decide to merge a family I think it is on both of them to do right by the DC.

It's easy to blame DH he isn't here to defend himself. By your own admission you have stated that you won't move out of the area because of your DM.

You have had 10 years to sort this issue out and you have chosen not too. DSS has just not been a priority for you or DH.

The only person 'suffering' here to DSS. Poor boy it must be even worse at his DM's.

--

Just really quickly I have a question the OP is asking about whether to leave her DP due to him treating her as a maid and DSC doing the same. Why are you fixating on the room element when that's nothing to do with the situation at hand.

Ultimately you can't pull money from no where, her DH chose to move in with her, and she had to stay where as she was care taking for her mum, who has recently passed away and she's dealing with that on top.

As a side note I really dislike people who give men a free pass to create bad situations and just dump it on the women.

Can you tell me exactly what advice your giving her as you probably haven't noticed but advice seems to be lacking from your post ?

Also why would we assume it's worse at his DMs ? I feel like I have missed something...

Look I know MN loves a good debate over a bedrooms and SC and there have been posts in the past where we all collectively have hammered a SM who refused to make space for a DSC (the famous nursery debate post)

But this post isn't about a room or sharing.

It's about a DH not pulling his weight and in fairness a DSC who is acting just like ever other teenager known to man.

Can we stop making this a DSC problem by proxy of the room and try to be kinder or at least offer advice even constructive to a women who's clearly at end of her rope and lost her mum.

Shame bombing is not constructive.

The DSS is clearly not a poor hard done by kid. If he were he’d not be wanting to spend so much/any time at his father house.

OP tell your H to leave. He can organise a place of as many bedrooms as required and serve his son hand and foot. At least then you have your own space and sanity.

Your H sounds like a terrible father and a worse husband.

I'm afraid I'd be done in this situation as well. The pair of them are treating you like a skivvy and it's absolutely not on. I'd be kicking the lazy pair of them out and letting them crack on with living in their own mess.

@Finallylostit

It was the responsibility of the OP and her DH to make space for his child - they did this for their joint child.

The sofa was fine when a 1 bed and should still in theory be fine in a 2 bed house but now it is too much for OP to cope with because of other things that have not been addressed.

This is more about the adult relationship and dynamic than the DSS. OP sadly needs to fix this before anything else can be resolved.

No it wasn't. It was his parents responsibility. Not ops.

By your own admission you have stated that you won't move out of the area because of your DM.

She died, @Sprucewillis. The OP said a while ago that her dear mum died last year, and how much she misses her.

DSS has left saying he'd like to come back for longer later this week. Really, really don't think I've made him feel unwelcome if he's keen on returning.

So, to answer the question about DH. He was flat sharing up to just before we met but had moved back in with his mums.
He had one room, his son would visit every other weekend with DH also staying with his son at his ex wife's house which, when I came in to the picture stopped.
The ex wife is happily married, nothing untowards there except she got free childcare when DH would stay as she also has 2 young girls. To answer those that think DSS home life is shit, it isn't. They all have their own rooms, ample space and other than being a stroppy teenager, have a good relationship with him, as do I.

I've already said, finances didn't allow us straight away to move bigger. And I've juggled ever since.

We've had words already this morning after SS left because DH became moody due to comment I made about them both sleeping on the sofa. He can't cope with conflict so currently locked himself in the bathroom whilst I've finally admitted that this has been my biggest fuck up to date. We should never have got together.

Oh OP you poor thing. It seems so overwhelming right now but step by step you can get through this.

@Sabota ignore the reflex replies, they are just cruel.

Does your DH have a job? What do you anticipate happening if you ask him to find another place to rent on his own? Can you stay in the current place on your earnings by yourself?

Is 'live separately until DSS is independent' and then try again with the marriage an option? Or will DH promptly be looking for another housekeeper with a good income?

[quote RussianSpy101]@Getyourarseofffthequattro they managed to get another bedroom when she got pregnant[/quote]
If you had bothered to read OP's posts you would know that isn't the case. But no, it's much more fun to jump on OP and make her feel even worse, isn't it?
OP, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. As others have said you have a DH problem, he's bloody useless. I do believe you love your SS and one thing I would ask you to consider is this: if you do leave please tell your SS he is welcome to come and visit you and his little sister. It could mean the world to him.