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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

8 years, I think I'm done

180 replies

Sabota · 09/04/2022 22:41

Been with DH for 8 years and have a now 16 year old DSS. Love him dearly but, I'm so, so tired.

DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed.

DH has ADHD and finds organising, cleaning and managing too overwhelming so the majority of it always falls on me. We've had countless arguments and he promises to try harder but, it's never happened.

I've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

But, its actually more now.

DSS prefers it here because DH waits on him, orders his favorite food and doesn't expect anything in the way of cleaning up after himself. If DSS doesn't get his way, he goes silent on his dad and DH is falling over himself to make things better.

He eats, lays on the sofa or takes over our DD5 bedroom. We have a open plan kitchen/living room but flat is small so I wake up to both DH and DSS sleeping in the only other room. The smell of testosterone this morning was enough for me.
I take my DD5 out just so we're not clambering over each other but still come home to clutter and crap.

I have a midweek visit to look forward to for 2 nights this week (I wfh 40 hours a week) as well as next weekend. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of cleaning, clearing and trying to make the place look less chaotic.

I don't actually know why I'm writing this post other than to vent. And because I just don't know how to make this any better.

Does it get better??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

missymarrk · 09/04/2022 22:50

Poor kid..

Cyclemarine · 09/04/2022 22:54

I feel sorry for this child, I wonder if he knows how unwelcome he is by one of the adults in the house. Remember, he was around ( in your partners life) before you. Maybe he misses his Dad being with his mum or being single but he just has to get on with it. And you too need to get on with it because you chose to come into their/his life.

SophieSoSo · 09/04/2022 22:57

No not poor kid, he’s 16 years old and being waited on hand and foot and sulking when he doesn’t get his own way!

Should the OP continue like this for another 8 years? She sounds exhausted

Finallylostit · 09/04/2022 23:00

Not sure what to say that is helpful.

For 8 years you have not accommodated this child now ageing teen with his own spce in his fathers house. Itis good that he wants to spend time with his Dad - but with no bedroom what do you expect him to do?

You come home to chaos, because you and your DP have not considered his son as part of the family, he has no space where he can store stuff, vegetate and smell for himself.

Sorry I could really lay into your situation but none of that will help you but if you give a teen zero space in his home then you will have to be more flexible.

You either need a 3 bed flat or you need to accept the situation or leave

Toloveandtowork · 09/04/2022 23:02

Poor kid, my arse. He's taking the piss.
Some people love taking up a stick to beat a woman with.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2022 23:04

@missymarrk

Poor kid..

Yeah, poor OP’s DD living in a shit tip despite her mum’s best efforts because her dad is a Disney dad who’s neglected to teach his son basic life skills and has allowed him to be lazy, selfish and manipulative.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 09/04/2022 23:05

He's had no space of his own and no boundaries set.
You allow you husband to do nothing but expect his son to be different.
You have enabled them both to take the piss .

candlesandpitchforks · 09/04/2022 23:06

Wow never had bingo called so early on a post. Did you have anything helpful to say ...

Also please give over if the 16 year old is so scarred from the divorce of his parents, they, not op has the responsibility to send him to therapy if it's effecting his ability to do basic tasks such as clean up after himself.

As a mum I would have lost my temper a long time ago, however this isn't a step issue so much as teenagers are a nightmare and he's not a child with no ability to clean up after self and DP is enabling this.

Sadly you have a DH problem not a DSC because quite rightly DSC could turn around to DH and say well you don't do anything to help. DH needs to be sorting this out with DSC.

You have my sympathies! Thing is with any Nero divergence- they can get over issues such as the one you mentioned but it takes hard work and effort on their part but right now your making his life easy by just doing it. Time to make this impact him more ... you may find it wasn't his ND impacting his ability to change all along !

Bananarama21 · 09/04/2022 23:06

He is effectively still a child why would access stop at 16? He shouldn't be lazy but he hasn't really got a space of his own and no attempt has been made to provide him with one. Teenagers are hard I have an 13 year old half of the week his room is a put but it is his safe space to retreat to.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/04/2022 23:07

I do agree with pp that he should have had, and should now have, his own space in his own house. He has to shunt between the two houses, that isn’t his fault.
Your DH needs to start clearing up though, and telling his son to do the same.

ImHavingAnOldFriendForDinner · 09/04/2022 23:09

No fucking way is it "poor kid", he's 16 so therefore needs to stop the sulking and get off his lazy arse.

Op I'd have serious conversation with your husband and basically say what you have said here. Step parents get a bad rap on here because apparently we are allowed to moan about our birth kids but not the step kids, the poor little poppets need to be wrapped in bubble wrap and babied forever to make up for coming from a broken home 🙄

Original poster

Sabota · 09/04/2022 23:09

No, he is not unwelcome. The situation is.
I've helped, guided and parented him when his dad hasn't been able to.
And I've done everything I can to make space, planned activities, entertained and taken us all away but he's just not been that interested.
He has a mum and step dad and masses of family on all 4 sides that have doted on him and spoilt him.
I would be the 1st to feel sorry for him if I felt it was warranted. Its not.

OP posts:

gogohm · 09/04/2022 23:09

Poor dss, his dad didn't consider his needs - as a dad the existing child matters, a two bedroom flat isn't sufficient space. But ultimately you have a dh problem, his son needs him to he a good role model and parent him, he feels guilty so compensates badly. It's at least 5 years before you realistically he may have his own home full time, possibly considerably longer. My dp's dd has moved in with us full time, something you have to accept when in a relationship with a parent

Finallylostit · 09/04/2022 23:10

OP - does not see this child now teen a part of the family

"DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed." = yes that is called contact and being prented by your parent. This is not saintly act. YOu moved becuse DD came long - not to give SDS a room!

've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

Wt actually f. God forbid a teen should see his Dad and not impact on his new family.

You cn expect your DP to clear up nd stop making excuses and parent both his DCs. AM sure 16 yr old does not want to take over a 5 yr old girls pink room - but where do you want him to go,

Seriously - yes he is a stroppy teen, his father should parent him properly but maybe part of that parenting is ctually providing your child somewhere to sleep, dress etc in your home

Bananarama21 · 09/04/2022 23:11

Just because his dm family have been great with him isn't an excuse for his df to let him down having no space at his father's which that much contact isn't remotely fair.

Bananarama21 · 09/04/2022 23:14

Finallylostit

You hit the nail on the head. I don't think op would be as dismissive to her dd when she turns 16 wanting her space back.

Original poster

Sabota · 09/04/2022 23:20

And to those saying he should have had his own space, I couldn't magic up a 3rd bedroom, we can't afford it.

DD5s bedroom is his when he comes over and daughter is currently digging her feet into my kidneys whilst I seek a little refuge in the only place that's mine.

OP posts:

SirVixofVixHall · 09/04/2022 23:27

But you say “I’ve done everything I can to make space “etc.
You aren’t “making space” for him, he isn’t a guest ! This is his home. Would you say the same about your dd ? Would you say that you “make space “ for her ? What ever you say about loving him, it all sounds so begrudging. He isn’t your son , I get that, but your DH should be parenting his son properly, he should be making a home for him.

WonderfulYou · 09/04/2022 23:27

I think DSS is irrelevant here.
Your DH needs to be more involved with cleaning and his ADHD is not excuse - I think if he helped around the house more you would feel less overwhelmed.

You say you wfh?
Could you get a different job or work in an office?
I literally couldn’t cope wfh in the place that I already feel suffocated in.

MyDcAreMarvel · 09/04/2022 23:28

@Sabota And to those saying he should have had his own space, I couldn't magic up a 3rd bedroom, we can't afford it. you didn’t ever give him his own bedroom but your dd has had one from a baby.
He isn’t “taking over her room” at all what a nasty thing to say. Get a sofa bed , clear out half your dresser and wardrobe and give him your room when he stays.

Original poster

Sabota · 09/04/2022 23:29

@imhavinganoldfriendfordinner....I've had plenty of serious conversations with DH.
But, ultimately he reverts back to being the Disney parent because of the guilt.

It is a DH problem, I know it is. But, I'm tired trying to fix it. And that's where resent starts to build.

OP posts:

SirVixofVixHall · 09/04/2022 23:30

It really reads as though you think the family is your DH, you, and your dd, while dss is a visitor. If he also feels like this then that might be why he doesn’t act like he lives with you and clean up.

Flickflak · 09/04/2022 23:36

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SirVixofVixHall · 09/04/2022 23:36

Surely he needs a quiet place where he can study too, is he doing his GCSEs I think you need to move to a more suitable place or try and put in a stud wall somewhere to make a space for him, even if both children then have v small rooms.
Must be pretty dismal to come over like a visitor, with your little sister having her own room that you get to occasionally use and with everyone resenting you.
I do see that this is annoying for you, but your DH is the problem and his son is paying the price of this more than you, as he has no choice.

Finallylostit · 09/04/2022 23:37

No you can not magic up another room but you can be more understanding of the unacceptable situation his father allows his child to be in.

Sounds crap for all but to spend 26/52 weekends either without your own space or sleeping in a pinky girly room - a surly teen is the least this household can expect

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