8 years, I think I'm done

[Sabota]

Been with DH for 8 years and have a now 16 year old DSS. Love him dearly but, I'm so, so tired.

DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed.

DH has ADHD and finds organising, cleaning and managing too overwhelming so the majority of it always falls on me. We've had countless arguments and he promises to try harder but, it's never happened.

I've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

But, its actually more now.

DSS prefers it here because DH waits on him, orders his favorite food and doesn't expect anything in the way of cleaning up after himself. If DSS doesn't get his way, he goes silent on his dad and DH is falling over himself to make things better.

He eats, lays on the sofa or takes over our DD5 bedroom. We have a open plan kitchen/living room but flat is small so I wake up to both DH and DSS sleeping in the only other room. The smell of testosterone this morning was enough for me.
I take my DD5 out just so we're not clambering over each other but still come home to clutter and crap.

I have a midweek visit to look forward to for 2 nights this week (I wfh 40 hours a week) as well as next weekend. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of cleaning, clearing and trying to make the place look less chaotic.

I don't actually know why I'm writing this post other than to vent. And because I just don't know how to make this any better.

Does it get better??

He should have his own room.
The main problem is your DH who , to be fair, must have been like this when you married him.
Its your choice, you stay or leave.

@Flickflak

Your DH sounds like a dick to be honest. It’s not your step kid who is the problem. I’d be thinking of leaving as really won’t you be better off?

This 👆

Your situation is unsustainable, because even without your dss the Dh problem will tip you over the edge anyway.

And for those saying “poor boy” if it’s that bad for him why does he keep going there?

Honestly i don't see anything wrong here. He's family, make him feel welcome. If you want him to tidy up, just ask him nicely.

@Sabota
I really feel for you, what an intolerable situation.
Your DH can’t use his ADHD as an excuse to be a slob.
When I was in my 20s I was in a short relationship with a man who has 2 kids. I never met them and am SO glad things never worked out. I’d be living a fate worse than death now (imo) if it had.
Step children would be a hard pass and a deal breaker for me in any future relationship.
With your combo of wimpy Disney Dad DH and his stroppy son, I think you and DD would be happier alone 💖

OP your happiness matters. Will you be happy getting out of this marriage and having a lovely tidy peaceful home. Or will you be really upset that in two years when contact doesn't happen anymore and dss is off at uni you will have that space again.

Tbh my ex now gives me the ick around how he guilt parented. I don't think I could ever get back my respect for him and maybe you feel the same.

Is there anyway you could go off for a few days to get your head together and work out what you want?

@Beautiful3

Honestly i don't see anything wrong here. He's family, make him feel welcome. If you want him to tidy up, just ask him nicely.

If it was that easy I doubt OP would be considering leaving

@chaosrabbitland

it sounds an intorable situation , no wonder your miserable , of course the main problem is your husband , i honestly dont think you should move your dd out of her room and in with you so the stepson gets it instead , its crazy why a child that lives full time in her home should have it taken away from her in favour of one that visits eow .

step parents seem to be judged harshly on here , but i wouldnt take any notice of some of the responses , its beyond me why a woman is supposed to love someones elses kid equally to their own because she married that childs father , as is the suggestion a child should give up their bedroom for one that merely visits on weekends .

its obvious that that the girlfriend cant come as well ,and its quite pathetic really that your dh wouldnt have been saying no straight away .
it could be hopeful this might mean the stepson might not come very much anymore if he wants to spend time with his girlfriend
but in fairness its a chance , you will always have hanging over you how often hes going to be coming by , your husband wont get tough with him and personally in your shoes id be done too

you have said how difficult you could find finishing it , well think about how drained and unhappy you are and just say to him , im not happy and i dont wanna carry this on anymore, obviously you word it how you want to word it . sometimes if you dont know how to do it , the easiest way is just to say it bluntly i have found

Absolutely agree. Your DD needs her bedroom full time, she lives there and it's her only home. Your SS shouldn't take over for 2 nights in 14. He can sleep in the living room on the sofa, get a sofa bed. He can have the living room in evenings to himself and not share with a 5 year old. He has another home and if he doesn't like it, he can go and sleep there.

Maybe let the girlfriend stay one weekend, see if he starts tidying up and listening when she is around.

@Toloveandtowork

Poor kid, my arse. He's taking the piss. Some people love taking up a stick to beat a woman with.

I agree.

He contributes nothing, and has his dad wrapped around his little finger.

The stepmother-bashing on this thread is unbelievable. This woman is working 40 hours a week, doing all the housework... and she's in the wrong because she didn't also manage to provide the poor boyw with a room of his own and room service.

Sabota - I feel for you.

Well you know you are nbu to be utterly fed up
You are allowed to split with your dp for any reason you choose. Sounds like it has run its course.
But don't put ss in the frame, there is no need.
Bear in mind though that your dd will have the same type of relationship with him on access when you leave.

@ZoBo123

Maybe let the girlfriend stay one weekend, see if he starts tidying up and listening when she is around.

That's a point, worth a try. He might be keen to impress her by making a show of how helpful he is.

I know I couldn't live like that. It sounds so claustrophobic, in so many ways.

OP, you said you were a carer for your mother? Is she still in your life; or are you bereaved, do you mind me asking? It's just that you sound stress-overloaded and sad at the same time

@ilovemyboys3

"He's got another home, if he's not happy he can go there"

Really? This is his home with his Dad. Would you be happy if you found out your son was being treated like that? Oh it's alright, he can have the sofa! I mean, what's he even doing here? He's got a home!

The lad, and more so his Dad, need to bloody sort themselves out, but the lad should be felt welcome - it's his home too.

Morning everyone. I'm going to try and reply to a few questions here but have already woken up to both men sleeping on the sofa last night which incidently is also my kitchen so I've had to wait until a reasonable hour to make a cup of tea.

@spinningtheseedsoflove, I am bereaved. I last my mother to Covid last year August and I've been heartbroken ever since. Mum was my rock and we lost her quite suddenly.

The GF stayed one weekend towards Christmas which wasn't planned or at least not communicated to me until the last minute. DH bent over backwards being the perfect host to both son and GF and I was left cleaning and cooking. SS was exactly the same, didn't lift a finger, took her out and then spent the rest of the weekend as per norm.

I know what's stopping me leaving this situation and that's admitting that everything I've tried to fix hasn't worked. Despite DH being the way he was when we met, ADHD was diagnosed only a couple of years ago and I thought with meds and therapy, things may change for the better.

It will just take a different mindset now to start unravelling everything.
I'm sad but not devastated. I've been through a tough childhood and come out the other side somewhat unscathed. If I can do that, I can do this.

Thank you to all those that have shown support.

I think even if this was just the 3 of you in the flat you might be at then of your tether.

Your dh sounds incapable of being a helpful partner. It’s easier for him to let things be a mess, not parent his son, let the girlfriend stay etc etc

It would be hard for him because of his adhd.

Honestly sounds like living on your own, concentrating on your daughter would be a better option.

@sprucewillis, I didn't move in with DH, he moved in with me.
I had a 1 bed flat. DD was a surprise baby and because of my mother, we had to stay in the area and only a 2 bed was affordable. Read my previous posts, even then, we were 4 people in a one bed for almost 14 months before moving to a slightly larger flat.
I've done what I can. My DH should've done more and he hasn't. There's my problem and not with SS who, believe it or not, I love dearly.

@Finallylostit

OP - does not see this child now teen a part of the family

"DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed." = yes that is called contact and being prented by your parent. This is not saintly act. YOu moved becuse DD came long - not to give SDS a room!

've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

Wt actually f. God forbid a teen should see his Dad and not impact on his new family.

You cn expect your DP to clear up nd stop making excuses and parent both his DCs. AM sure 16 yr old does not want to take over a 5 yr old girls pink room - but where do you want him to go,

Seriously - yes he is a stroppy teen, his father should parent him properly but maybe part of that parenting is ctually providing your child somewhere to sleep, dress etc in your home

Oh look! Here you are again telling other people what they think and how they feel. What a surprise that is!

What happens if you stopped cleaning and cooking for them? Go away for a couple of weeks?

Op you have my sympathies. I probably would leave in your situation not only because you can't pull a 3rd bedroom our your arse but because your DH sounds like a burden rather than a help. You should be a team.

Oh and ignore all the "poor boy" comments. Can't be that bad or he wouldn't spend so much time there!

@Cyclemarine

I feel sorry for this child, I wonder if he knows how unwelcome he is by one of the adults in the house. Remember, he was around ( in your partners life) before you. Maybe he misses his Dad being with his mum or being single but he just has to get on with it. And you too need to get on with it because you chose to come into their/his life.

Oh for god's sake, no she does not have to "just get on with it". Choosing to get into a relationship does not mean, nor should it ever mean, that you have to put up with anything that person or their kids may throw at you. What a ridiculous mindset.

It's totally unreasonable that his dad and him don't clean up after themselves and leave it to you OP. And taking over DD5s bedroom is just strange.

I totally understand why you've had enough, you'd be better off elsewhere.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Op you have my sympathies. I probably would leave in your situation not only because you can't pull a 3rd bedroom our your arse but because your DH sounds like a burden rather than a help. You should be a team.

Oh and ignore all the "poor boy" comments. Can't be that bad or he wouldn't spend so much time there!

Maybe it's the way he sees his Dad so he has to suck it up?

@Sabota he’s not unwelcome but he doesn’t, and has never in the past 8 years, had a room at his dads house? Is that right?
Yet as soon as you had a child with his dad, you moved to a bigger house so that your child could have their own room?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro they managed to get another bedroom when she got pregnant

Where did DH live and cope before he moved in with you? Was it a shithole? Did DSS have a room there? Am wondering if this behaviour was why he split with his ex? Re the waiting to make tea? Absolutely not, its not like its 7am, go and make you and Dd breakfast!