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Step-parenting

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Original poster

8 years, I think I'm done

180 replies

Sabota · 09/04/2022 22:41

Been with DH for 8 years and have a now 16 year old DSS. Love him dearly but, I'm so, so tired.

DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed.

DH has ADHD and finds organising, cleaning and managing too overwhelming so the majority of it always falls on me. We've had countless arguments and he promises to try harder but, it's never happened.

I've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

But, its actually more now.

DSS prefers it here because DH waits on him, orders his favorite food and doesn't expect anything in the way of cleaning up after himself. If DSS doesn't get his way, he goes silent on his dad and DH is falling over himself to make things better.

He eats, lays on the sofa or takes over our DD5 bedroom. We have a open plan kitchen/living room but flat is small so I wake up to both DH and DSS sleeping in the only other room. The smell of testosterone this morning was enough for me.
I take my DD5 out just so we're not clambering over each other but still come home to clutter and crap.

I have a midweek visit to look forward to for 2 nights this week (I wfh 40 hours a week) as well as next weekend. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of cleaning, clearing and trying to make the place look less chaotic.

I don't actually know why I'm writing this post other than to vent. And because I just don't know how to make this any better.

Does it get better??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Midlifemusings · 10/04/2022 18:45

@SpaceshiptoMars

This is a DH problem as he should have made it clear that his son was family and made decisions that a parent who has a child should make - ensuring they have accommodation for their child.

Well, yes. In an ideal world, the DH would have the full range of health and abilities, OP would not have had a sick mother and a bereavement to handle, and the son would be self-motivated and pushing his Dad to earn more money! Also, the pandemic would never have happened and Ukraine would still be a sunny paradise full of glowing fields of wheat.

Now, back to reality and what next.....

I don't think it is any form of lala land thinking to ensure your children have suitable accommodation. It is a basic need.

When you have a child you have respsonibilities and housing them is one of them.

Seeing your child as part of the family and making decisions based on being a parent vs a single person when you have a child is also a very basic thing.

The vast majority of parents see their kids as part of the family and find a way to provide suitable accommodation. Neither of those are 'out there' ideas.

thingymaboob · 10/04/2022 18:45

@Midlifemusings

The root of the problem is that when a move was made to a bigger apartment, OP DH's didn't advocate for his son as being part of the family and needing to be welcomed and given space in the home. Now OP sees him as a guest overstaying his welcome versus a member of the family. The apartment is too small for 4 people when there are two adults, a teen, and a young child. The teen is odd man out as he isn't a member of the nuclear family and as OP says - a guest in her home. This is a DH problem as he should have made it clear that his son was family and made decisions that a parent who has a child should make - ensuring they have accommodation for their child.

Absolutely agree. This boy is a part of the family but hasn't been treated as such. I'd be absolutely devastated if my parent bought / rented a place without consideration about where I'd stay. I think you and DH have caused all these issues and I think you're being really unfair.

Sprucewillis · 10/04/2022 18:55

Sorry for your loss OP. I hadn't ready about your DM passing away recently.

@candlesandpitchforks I really don't like it when men get a free ride either. This isn't about a the DH though. And it does read like DH is trying to keep the peace by buying DSS his favourite things to eat etc.

OP says she is tired of the DSS and his behaviour:

He eats, (we all eat OP) lays on the sofa (he has nowhere else to go) or takes over our DD5 bedroom (he should have his own room).

If you don't like DSS or DH in your space why are they there? Why not ask them to leave. You are never (either of you) going to prioritise DSS's needs.

FWIW there are still 2 children at the centre of all of this.

SpaceshiptoMars · 10/04/2022 18:55

The vast majority of parents see their kids as part of the family and find a way to provide suitable accommodation. Neither of those are 'out there' ideas.

But in this instance the DH wasn't providing housing at all, right from the beginning. It's all on the OP. He's only working part-time, and presumably is paying adequate maintenance, because no issues with ex are mentioned. You're expecting the OP to fund all the housing costs in order to squeeze in a baby for herself. Whilst also taking on a full housekeeper role for DH and DSS.

It's easy to stand on the sidelines, making one demand after another. And to make sniffy comments about how you'd never get yourself into that position!

Sprucewillis · 10/04/2022 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 19:01

@Midlifemusings

That's all well and good but money and space doesn't grow on trees.

SpaceshiptoMars · 10/04/2022 19:04

This is the bit I find hardest to read- you are wishing him away. It's actually really sad. You say you love him dearly but you clearly don't even like him.

This is bollocks, excuse my French. If you could wave a magic wand and present OP with a 4 bedroomed house she could afford, most of her problems would vanish overnight. DSS could mess up his room in peace, she could allocate a room as an office for her to WFH, and everyone in the household could breathe a little easier. Yes, there would still be the cleaning - but the constant being on top of each other pressure would be gone. It would be far more enjoyable when DSS was there and most of the irritation would disappear.

sprucewillis · 10/04/2022 19:15

@candlesandpitchforks

Since you asked my advice for the OP would be this.

Decide if you are happy in this relationship and want to maintain it. From the drip feed about everyone else's shortcomings, I would guess that you don't.

Ask DH to leave.

Or start to prioritise both of your DC equally. Move to an appropriate property. Location is no longer an issue. Start to treat DSS like a valued member of the family.

Consider some counselling with DH to work on issues you have in your marriage and how you parent 'together'.

Set up a chore rota for 'everyone' in the household and reward achievements appropriately. Set some ground rules about putting away dishes for 'everyone' and stick to them firmly but fairly.

Sprucewillis · 10/04/2022 19:17

@SpaceshiptoMars

This is the bit I find hardest to read- you are wishing him away. It's actually really sad. You say you love him dearly but you clearly don't even like him.

But OP doesn't need a 4 bed mansion. The family need a 3 bed property. They are no longer constrained by location.

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 19:20

But OP doesn't need a 4 bed mansion. The family need a 3 bed property. They are no longer constrained by location. if it were that easy they'd have a 3 bed property..

Sprucewillis · 10/04/2022 19:22

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NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 19:23

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Sprucewillis · 10/04/2022 19:24

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IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 10/04/2022 19:35

The poor kid has no space of his own! And then you blame him for being in the lounge? That's really unfair OP.

Midlifemusings · 10/04/2022 19:36

@SpaceshiptoMars

And as I said it is a DH problem. He was the one that didn't advocate for space for his son and didn't consider his son part of the family - leading to OP now seeing son as an unwanted guest overstaying his welcome.

It is a DH issue for sure.

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 19:38

None of them have a space of their own though. OP shares with DD when DSC is there.

Midlifemusings · 10/04/2022 19:41

@NotTheOW

No money doesn't grow on trees however considering your child as part of the family and ensuring they have suitable basic accommodation are basic needs that most families - even those with very little money - are able to provide.

Do you also think that feeding your child should be optional for a parent if you think that it isn't a parental responsibility to house your own children? There are programs to support basic needs if for some reason a parent is disable and unable to earn an income that is sufficient to provide food and suitable housing.

They were able to move from a one bedroom to a two bedroom to ensure OPs daughter had a room so they apparently can see a child as part of the family and provide suitable accommodation for one of the two children in the family. The other child should have the same worth and value.

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 19:44

There are programs to support basic needs if for some reason a parent is disable and unable to earn an income that is sufficient to provide food and suitable housing. state benefits aren't that generous.. we could do with an extra room but as we can afford our current house the state isn't going to pay for a bigger one with an extra bedroom.

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 19:46

And OP said her husband got turned down for PIP. (Which isn't surprising as the government make it reaaalllly hard to qualify)

ilovemyboys3 · 10/04/2022 19:49

[quote familyissues12345]@ilovemyboys3

"He's got another home, if he's not happy he can go there"

Really? This is his home with his Dad. Would you be happy if you found out your son was being treated like that? Oh it's alright, he can have the sofa! I mean, what's he even doing here? He's got a home!

The lad, and more so his Dad, need to bloody sort themselves out, but the lad should be felt welcome - it's his home too. [/quote]
Yes... really! He stays every other weekend - it's not his home. If he lived there 50/50 then yes it's a home but somewhere you sleep 4 nights a month isn't a home.
Regardless of whether it's his dads home, it's not his. He needs space so he's able to have somewhere to sleep but I don't think they need to bust a gut to afford a 3 bed house for 4 nights a month!

Arewethebadguys · 10/04/2022 19:55

@Toloveandtowork

Poor kid, my arse. He's taking the piss. Some people love taking up a stick to beat a woman with.

This

Sprucewillis · 10/04/2022 19:55

@NotTheOW

None of them have a space of their own though. OP shares with DD when DSC is there.

12 days out of 14 they do.

Midlifemusings · 10/04/2022 19:55

@ilovemyboys3

And it seems likely he would stay more often if he had a space there and was welcome without his 'testosterone' bothering the OP.

Nothing has been done to make this his home or to see him as part of the family - there is only so much as a child that he can do.

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 19:57

12 days out of 14 they do. and DSC has space at mums for 12 out of 14 days. We don't all live in an Ideal world where we can buy a new house easily

sprucewillis · 10/04/2022 19:59

@NotTheOW

12 days out of 14 they do. and DSC has space at mums for 12 out of 14 days. We don't all live in an Ideal world where we can buy a new house easily

NotTheOW I bet they'd have one PDQ if OP has another child - just saying

I bet they wouldn't - just saying
Evidence says otherwise.

We seem to be stuck in a loop

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