8 years, I think I'm done

[Sabota]

Been with DH for 8 years and have a now 16 year old DSS. Love him dearly but, I'm so, so tired.

DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed.

DH has ADHD and finds organising, cleaning and managing too overwhelming so the majority of it always falls on me. We've had countless arguments and he promises to try harder but, it's never happened.

I've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

But, its actually more now.

DSS prefers it here because DH waits on him, orders his favorite food and doesn't expect anything in the way of cleaning up after himself. If DSS doesn't get his way, he goes silent on his dad and DH is falling over himself to make things better.

He eats, lays on the sofa or takes over our DD5 bedroom. We have a open plan kitchen/living room but flat is small so I wake up to both DH and DSS sleeping in the only other room. The smell of testosterone this morning was enough for me.
I take my DD5 out just so we're not clambering over each other but still come home to clutter and crap.

I have a midweek visit to look forward to for 2 nights this week (I wfh 40 hours a week) as well as next weekend. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of cleaning, clearing and trying to make the place look less chaotic.

I don't actually know why I'm writing this post other than to vent. And because I just don't know how to make this any better.

Does it get better??

[quote Midlifemusings]@ilovemyboys3

And it seems likely he would stay more often if he had a space there and was welcome without his 'testosterone' bothering the OP.

Nothing has been done to make this his home or to see him as part of the family - there is only so much as a child that he can do.[/quote]
It's always been this way though, it's nothing new so surely it's the set up for the last 8 years which would explain the fact they don't have or need a 3 bed house. In an ideal world yes they'd have a 3 bed but if they simply cannot afford it, why spend a fortune more for a bedroom to sit empty 26 nights a month?

@NotTheOW

I am curious if you considered your children at all in choosing housing or did you just plan and make decisions to house yourself and your partner and assume your children''s other parent would be responsible for housing? Did at any point you think that you should consider housing that had space for your children?

I am curious as to your perspective given your point of view that OP's DH has no duty or responsibility to provide suitable accomodation for his son. You seem to think that is an unreasonable expectation.

Did at any point you think that you should consider housing that had space for your children? of course we did but we had to compromise. Like OP we went from a 1 bed tiny flat where the DSC had to sleep on a pull out bed when they stayed over to a 2.5 bed where they have to share a room. It's not ideal. They'd rather not but that is life. We can't afford bigger so we muddle through.

@Midlifemusings

You're not in the UK, are you!

Would dh agree to set some ground rules ?
I know you can't magic up space but maybe a sofa bed in the lounge that he sleeps on or you and he gets use of your bedroom in the day , that way your dd still has her space
Does he have a few things at yours that are His own ? Clothes etc
Ideally your dh needs to be backing you up and getting your dss to also pull his weight
But my own teenagers spend a fair bit of time lazing in their bedrooms, but they have set chores and have to muck in at times

Plenty of kids share in many homes or parents have to sleep in the fromtroom etc so people can't just afford to move that I get
I have seem some great space saving ideas online where people make most use of space they have etc
OP sounds tired as she is working full time and picking up all the slack at home when there is another adult in the house and a teenager old enough to pull his weight as well

@worriedatthistime this is a teenage boy and a toddler girl. They aren’t even full siblings. Completely unsuitable for them to share.

Diagram needed! Floor plan of the flat with dimensions!

Seriously, if DSS is going to be spending more time in the flat soon because of part-time college lectures rather than full-time school, it is going to take more than a few space saving gadgets to sort this out.

@Sabota Would you be able to consider a move to a cheaper area now you are no longer responsible for your Mum? Or is anything in range of both your jobs still prohibitive?

OP

This post has/will bring out the trolls... don't feed them.

Where the F these people think you can just easily buy a 3 bed house is unbelievable. Most can't even afford to piss in the pot they own. Urrgh... so annoying

Don't give up on your relationship because of this. Give your husband an ultimatum. Can your daughters room be split. With the age difference it's bot ideal for them to share.

You have every right as DSM to tell him to get his shit together, wash and tidy up after himself

@wakeybakey00

OP

This post has/will bring out the trolls... don't feed them.

Where the F these people think you can just easily buy a 3 bed house is unbelievable. Most can't even afford to piss in the pot they own. Urrgh... so annoying

Don't give up on your relationship because of this. Give your husband an ultimatum. Can your daughters room be split. With the age difference it's bot ideal for them to share.

You have every right as DSM to tell him to get his shit together, wash and tidy up after himself

Give over - it's been 10 years. This is not a new issue. The fruits from this tree have been long in the ripening. They've even upsized once before, but only for DD.

[quote Midlifemusings]@NotTheOW

No money doesn't grow on trees however considering your child as part of the family and ensuring they have suitable basic accommodation are basic needs that most families - even those with very little money - are able to provide.

Do you also think that feeding your child should be optional for a parent if you think that it isn't a parental responsibility to house your own children? There are programs to support basic needs if for some reason a parent is disable and unable to earn an income that is sufficient to provide food and suitable housing.

They were able to move from a one bedroom to a two bedroom to ensure OPs daughter had a room so they apparently can see a child as part of the family and provide suitable accommodation for one of the two children in the family. The other child should have the same worth and value.[/quote]
You seem to be forgetting that before the OP. Her DH was living in a one bed with his mother and his DS also didn't have a room then either as he shared with his dad.

DH then moved in with OP knowing her housing situation and knowing she couldn't move away due to her mums situation. These choices were totally on her husband.

Step parents shouldn't be held at a higher standard than the actual parents. The parents have responsibly to make sure their children are house adequately. OP has no parental rights to DSC which you would be very keen to point out if she crossed that line I'm sure.

Arguably DSC living situation has improved since DH moved in with SM as there is a second room to share.

Please can we stop excusing men and making it s joint problem, when it's not.

I know right! Let's overlook that without OP then they might still be living at DH's mums.

*let's not

And magically getting another room isn't going to solve OP's problems anyway. It's just being used as a stick.

@candlesandpitchforks

If you had read my earlier posts that led to that one you would see that I have said repeatedly that the problem is her DH.

Although I do think that women who marry men who don't give a fig about their kids and can't even be bothered to feel responsible to ensure they have a bed are ignoring a lot of major red flags. If you choose a man who doesn't feel any basic responsibility for his own children, why would you think that person would be responsible for other aspects of day to day life?

@sprucewillis, I'm only going to feed you once because somehow, whilst I've written a lot here you seem to have made up your own scenario.
It's been 8 years, not 10.
I cared for my mum, she died last year.
My step son doesn't hate me and I've never ever made him feel unwelcome.
I cook his favorite meals, take him out, ensure he has quality time with his dad, his sister and ensured my side of the family have made him feel like he's been one of their own since we met.
I've taken care of his emotional needs, physical, he has a bedroom here when he stays, has his own clothes which I top up.
We chat, we laugh, we go out, just me and him.
I did not just magic up a 2 bed when I fell pregnant, I started saving because I knew we had to get more space as we were growing. Despite this, it took us another 24 months from pregnancy to move to a bigger place.

My issue is with DH and his lack of commitment to us. My resent towards the whole SS situation is he shows he CAN bend over backwards for his sons needs but at the expense of me.

My mistake since last night was posting in the wrong board. This should have been on relationships or SEN issues but not on step parenting. And yet you @sprucewillis, haven't let it go.

She is not a legend/goddess/perfect SM for doing the absolute minimum to look after this child have you read OP's latest post? She does a damn lot more than the bare minimum.

[quote Midlifemusings]@candlesandpitchforks

If you had read my earlier posts that led to that one you would see that I have said repeatedly that the problem is her DH.

Although I do think that women who marry men who don't give a fig about their kids and can't even be bothered to feel responsible to ensure they have a bed are ignoring a lot of major red flags. If you choose a man who doesn't feel any basic responsibility for his own children, why would you think that person would be responsible for other aspects of day to day life?[/quote]
Looks like we agree on that point that it's DP issue (it's what I have been saying the entire time but people keep coming back to the room issue making it about DSC issue which it's not). This bedroom thing is literal a red herring.

That said people create children and ignore red flags all the time, at least half the children of blended families are created from people ignoring red flags so that statement could be said of anyone, it certainly doesn't just apply to step mums, it applies to anyone. But to suggest OP deliberately or wilfully ignored the signs DH wasn't a great human being ignores the fact this poor women was clearly vulnerable when they met as no one takes care of the caretaker and probably hoped for better.

We have all fallen for people who look on the surface like good people in a bad situation, no one can predict the future. I certainly didn't with my ex DH. I think it's unkind to assign character flaws based on hope and wanting to help. Hard to tell if someone's down on their luck or just in a hole of their own making.

Space... when I moved out and had two kids couldn't afford a 3 bed, so kids got one room each and I got a comfy sofa bed in the living room. I had a cupboard in my daughters room but essential clothing in a chest of drawers in living room so I would not wake her up etc. if I needed something.
When either of them where at his dad's, I would sleep in their room to start with but eventually I found I did like being on the sofa bed even when they were not in.
I know with open plan is much trickier, but still doable.

Trying to be practical - a lot of the irritation I can imagine comes with then sleeping and “being” in the living room I totally get in - SS recently moved in and was on the sofa for 2 weeks until I snapped and converted dining room into living room so SS had a proper space.

Couple of options

1. Get DD a double or bunk beds in her room. Then when SS is at yours he and your DH sleep in there, your daughter in with you. Means the sleeping is done away from living area, he and you get space.

1. If DD room is bigger can it take a double and a single / cot bed? If so is it an option for you to swap rooms about? So when SS is there your DH and you stay in your room with DD in with you? And SS in DD room?

Also have u checked any benefit entitlements you and DH may qualify for? X

@aSofaNearYou

"Oh for god's sake, no she does not have to "just get on with it". Choosing to get into a relationship does not mean, nor should it ever mean, that you have to put up with anything that person or their kids may throw at you. What a ridiculous mindset."

Actually you're being ridiculous - I didn't say anyone has to put up with anything someone throws at them. Her attitude of wishing he sees his own dad less to me is shocking, and the fact he doesn't have his own room but yet she's moaning about him spreading himself out in the sofa doesn't seem very welcoming to me. His behaviour is annoying,his Dad seems indulgent but it isn't out of the ordinary wild behaviour for a teen. If you're not willing to deal with normal teen behaviour think twice before getting with a man who has children. Simple.

[quote Midlifemusings]@candlesandpitchforks

If you had read my earlier posts that led to that one you would see that I have said repeatedly that the problem is her DH.

Although I do think that women who marry men who don't give a fig about their kids and can't even be bothered to feel responsible to ensure they have a bed are ignoring a lot of major red flags. If you choose a man who doesn't feel any basic responsibility for his own children, why would you think that person would be responsible for other aspects of day to day life?[/quote]
I agree, my main issue is always with the parent in these situations, even though I find it sad when step-parents treat children as guests, it still all comes down to the parent for allowing the situation to arise. In this case the Dad really should have been making sure they had space for his child, before having another one.

It's very normal for a teen boy raised by his mother to want to spend time with his Dad. If he goes away to uni, he might even want to spend a lot of the holidays he has with his Dad and little sister, which again is totally normal young adult behaviour.