8 years, I think I'm done

[Sabota]

Been with DH for 8 years and have a now 16 year old DSS. Love him dearly but, I'm so, so tired.

DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed.

DH has ADHD and finds organising, cleaning and managing too overwhelming so the majority of it always falls on me. We've had countless arguments and he promises to try harder but, it's never happened.

I've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

But, its actually more now.

DSS prefers it here because DH waits on him, orders his favorite food and doesn't expect anything in the way of cleaning up after himself. If DSS doesn't get his way, he goes silent on his dad and DH is falling over himself to make things better.

He eats, lays on the sofa or takes over our DD5 bedroom. We have a open plan kitchen/living room but flat is small so I wake up to both DH and DSS sleeping in the only other room. The smell of testosterone this morning was enough for me.
I take my DD5 out just so we're not clambering over each other but still come home to clutter and crap.

I have a midweek visit to look forward to for 2 nights this week (I wfh 40 hours a week) as well as next weekend. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of cleaning, clearing and trying to make the place look less chaotic.

I don't actually know why I'm writing this post other than to vent. And because I just don't know how to make this any better.

Does it get better??

Your dd is priority to you and should have her own bedroom.
Sounds horrible op. I'd hate my SS16 being around lots. No advice, just solidarity.

[quote Cyclemarine]@aSofaNearYou

"Oh for god's sake, no she does not have to "just get on with it". Choosing to get into a relationship does not mean, nor should it ever mean, that you have to put up with anything that person or their kids may throw at you. What a ridiculous mindset."

Actually you're being ridiculous - I didn't say anyone has to put up with anything someone throws at them. Her attitude of wishing he sees his own dad less to me is shocking, and the fact he doesn't have his own room but yet she's moaning about him spreading himself out in the sofa doesn't seem very welcoming to me. His behaviour is annoying,his Dad seems indulgent but it isn't out of the ordinary wild behaviour for a teen. If you're not willing to deal with normal teen behaviour think twice before getting with a man who has children. Simple.[/quote]
I was responding specifically to your comment when you quite clearly said that because DSS was around before OP and misses his parents being together, she just had to get on with it.

Which is a ridiculous attitude that implies being a step parent means you can't find anything down the line unreasonable. If that isn't what you meant, why did you say it?

Can't believe some of the replies on here. OP can't magic up another room out of thin air and obviously the person who's here four nights a months will just have to make do. I'm sure OP would love to have a bigger place (who wouldn't !) but if she can't then she can't.

Bonkers how people here want her to bend over backwards to give the son a room - this is not the issue, it's a red herring. The real issue is the DH's lack of parenting and his inability to pull his weight in chores. The ADHD sounds like an excuse.

OP, in a couple of years the son will probably move out anyway, so it's up to you if you want to put up with this for another couple of years - but that won't fix your partner not pulling his weight and leaving all the house work to you. Personally I'd leave because I couldn't be arsed anymore, and also to give your dd a better life. But you need to do what will make you happiest, whatever that is.

I'd start looking at finances etc, because if you're married divorce can be a long, dragged out, bitter affair.

I had some fantastic advice here that really helped. I sat down with DH and told him we'd arrived at the end of the line...he was shocked.
He hasn't bolted into action but we've sat and talked. We've pulled out of a big financial responsibility which will give us some options within the next couple of years to move away and to something bigger. Also, if we do break up, at least we're not tied together financially.

He's chased therapy and his referral to an NHS run ADHD clinic. I've also signed up to therapy that specialises in supporting those in relationships with Neurodiverse people.

He's also bucked up with chores and what doesn't get done, I leave it. He's only slightly better with speaking up with SS, still indulges him but I've just have to disengage as refuse to now get involved.

This is a SS weekend, we've had a nice day but I've taken DD out to relatives whilst they've had a father son catch up. Flat looks like shit but OH knows he needs to deal with it tomorrow.

It'll be slow but I'm willing to find the last bit of energy working towards this marriage. DD adores her dad and I feel, with alot of work, we could be OK.
If not, he'll always be my best friend, SS will always have a big space in my life and I could live with that ending too.

Ok. The way I see it

You and your DH are in the wrong. He should have had his own space (however small)

You managed to move house quick enough when your dd came along

Your DH is in the wrong for Disney dad behaviour & not parenting properly.

The kid is not a 'poor' kid but he is a teenage boy. It's normal they're a bit selfish & smelly it's just that usually most of that is confined to their own room.

As is so so so often the case on here, you have a DH problem.

If you split up - I can guarantee you dd will be the pain in the arse without a room in the new woman's life. Men like this don't change.

You & your DH need to make changes & accomodations & he needs to parent.

Get a bigger house (move to a flat, or slightly
Less nice or less convenient area & commute) get 3 beds.

Teach him life skills, make rules, Set boundaries, appoint tasks for dss & your dd

Kids don't magically learn life skills when their parents are a bit crap.

Stop moaning & luxuriating sanctimoniously OP. This kid has been in uour life since he was 8.

It wasn't your job to parent him but why the he'll were you loving, staying with & having another kid with a man who treats you like a skivvy & is a shit dad.