8 years, I think I'm done

[Sabota]

Been with DH for 8 years and have a now 16 year old DSS. Love him dearly but, I'm so, so tired.

DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed.

DH has ADHD and finds organising, cleaning and managing too overwhelming so the majority of it always falls on me. We've had countless arguments and he promises to try harder but, it's never happened.

I've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

But, its actually more now.

DSS prefers it here because DH waits on him, orders his favorite food and doesn't expect anything in the way of cleaning up after himself. If DSS doesn't get his way, he goes silent on his dad and DH is falling over himself to make things better.

He eats, lays on the sofa or takes over our DD5 bedroom. We have a open plan kitchen/living room but flat is small so I wake up to both DH and DSS sleeping in the only other room. The smell of testosterone this morning was enough for me.
I take my DD5 out just so we're not clambering over each other but still come home to clutter and crap.

I have a midweek visit to look forward to for 2 nights this week (I wfh 40 hours a week) as well as next weekend. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of cleaning, clearing and trying to make the place look less chaotic.

I don't actually know why I'm writing this post other than to vent. And because I just don't know how to make this any better.

Does it get better??

My daughter didn't have her own room from a baby, we moved here when she was 1.5 years old. Up until then, we were 4 people in a 1 bed.
DSS isn't a problem here and I was only looking for a vent. He's not a poor boy, people have bent over backwards to keep him happy but his own mum tells us how manipulative he's become and how he gets no discipline from our side.

I know the solution to this having tried to fix this for years and it's leaving the situation but it's unbearable and tiring to even start the process.

DH is about to go down the therapy route as well as review of the meds for the ADHD and I'm grasping at straws that this may change things for us.

@Finallylostit

OP - does not see this child now teen a part of the family

"DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed." = yes that is called contact and being prented by your parent. This is not saintly act. YOu moved becuse DD came long - not to give SDS a room!

've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

Wt actually f. God forbid a teen should see his Dad and not impact on his new family.

You cn expect your DP to clear up nd stop making excuses and parent both his DCs. AM sure 16 yr old does not want to take over a 5 yr old girls pink room - but where do you want him to go,

Seriously - yes he is a stroppy teen, his father should parent him properly but maybe part of that parenting is ctually providing your child somewhere to sleep, dress etc in your home

I'm gonna politely disagree with you.

Most contact does change when any children hit teenage years. Step or not. With step kids they often move away from formal contact days to more flexible arrangement and quite frankly it's unusual for a teen to want to hang out with their parents. OP hasn't said he's not welcome she's acknowledged that contact was likely to change and the contact has, just not in the way she expected. Shes not mystic Meg, no one will know how their teenagers will swing in those years. Not all teens do this but a fairly large chunk do.

But I agree with you it's totally up to Dp to provide suitable accommodation for his children, however most children in nuclear homes can and do share rooms and it's yet to leave them horrible psychological scars.

I think it's woefully unkind given everyone is going to be suffering in this economic climate soon to say the lack of a 3rd room means DSC isn't welcome. Per-phase two bedroom house is all they can afford ? Maybe they share a room and have a divider so although they don't have their own room they have their own space.
OP wouldn't have mentioned it because she posted about her DH using her as a live in maid and talking about messiness and she couldn't have predicted that all the people who live on aibu also like to haunt this board and would jump on the fact that "shock horror" two kids share a room as a way to vent their own issues with step families.

This wouldn't be considered a issue in a nuclear family or a sign the child was less favoured, it wouldn't be considered ideal sure but people wouldn't have jumped on a women who is clearly vulnerable and given her a good kicking.. over something that is completely not relevant to the post at hand.

He should have his own room. Think that would solve a lot of problems.

I can sympathise with you was going through something similar a little while back,

I wouldn't take the negative messages so seriously as unless your in that position you can't judge, it's extremely hard living with a child who you haven't raised one of which who has been dotted on hand and foot is even harder!!!

I like you got to breaking point, I felt like when we had him the house was ruled by him there are 3 other children in our house he makes four we have DSS 50/50 with his mum,
half the week each and every other weekend each
I felt he was treated differently to other kids in the house and was allowed to get away with everything leave mess have no respect for the house , very overwhelming, I make sure my children 1 we share and other one not DH from previous are respectful to him and I ensure everyone in my house is all treated the same way, to me and in my house it is what works for us, just because step son isn't here 247 doesn't mean he needs more then our other children he's here 50% of it and is treated the same as they all are but this only happened after a
Long long long discussion argument tears and me and hubby came up with a plan to change things within the house it's not perfect I still find some days nothings changed but on the days when it has it makes it a lot earlier to live with,

Is there anyway of being able to make out a divide up in bedroom ? Stud wall perhaps? Might be smaller rooms but both would have own space? And so would you?

OP, I have ADHD. I am a single parent to two small kids and I have my own business. My house is a complete shit tip most days but if I NEED to do something I will.

The issue here isn't your step son it really IS your partner. HIS actions are making life unbearable.

The SS isn't going to vanish, its your partner that needs to change. And it looks like you have given him a free pass because of his ADHD.Many many business entrepreneurs have ADHD, It doesn't mean you get to take a easy ride at home.

The issue really is with your partner and him taking the piss out off you

Most families where the children live together full time would not put a five year old girl in with a sixteen year old boy, because their bedtimes and needs are so different, and one of them is well into puberty, the opposite sex, and will want privacy.
Dividing a room seems the answer practically, plus getting both children to help in appropriate ways.
But the Ops husband opting out of parenting is the issue.

@mummaL32. Thank you for your suggestion and sorry to hear you've been through the same.
I think it's too late with changing the way DH parents him. I've seen him.almost hyperventilate if he's had to ask him to do anything and he'll apologise profusely to the point of embarrassment. It's why DSS gets away with so much, he knows he can.

As for the stud wall, it's a long room but narrow and only one window. Putting up a stud wall will plunge at least one side into complete darkness.
Our room is smaller so can't partition that.
The only thought I had was moving DD in with me permanently and have the other room as father and sons room to share.

Ps. Those that say that DDs room is girly and pink. It's not. She's into nothing like that and neither have I entertained spoilt child syndrome 2.

In this context is EOW every other week or every other weekend?

@lockdoorsopen
I have given him a free pass over the years, this is true. But, I feel he tries to pull his socks up when I burn out and he'll write out rotas, leave sticky notes everywhere as reminders and he'll try his best.
Then, he'll zone out. He's gone. And there we are again, living in chaos because he's forgotten. And then the weekend comes again and there's four of us with me cleaning and managing all 3 because one can't, one won't and one is a 5 year old.

I'm absolutely done. Just don't have the strength to try and get out of this shitty situation.

And I forgot to say, DSS has asked if his GF can come and stay here on his weekends too. I've said no and now DH is beside himself with guilt and DSS is in a strop.

I knew early on that we wouldn't have the finances to go into a 3 bed. I was a carer to my mum too so had to stay in the area which is why I hedged my bets on DSS changing how often he'd be here.

But, I can see how this will unfold and just finding it very difficult to admit that it may cost me my marriage.

So drop the rope. What's the worst that could happen if stuff doesn't get done around the house? See if DH really doesn't care or if he's just used to you doing it.

With the divider I know annoying and not ideal! But you have add electric to make room light when in there , it's for sleeping and some privacy we did on one of our bedrooms and had an extra light fitted it's like a box room within a room but it works and is big enough just for a single bed and draws and a Tv ! It also only cost us £200 for a door plus all materials I shopped about wicks b&q etc pain in the arse but was done in a day !
Also remember that it can be removed later down the line!

I wouldn't give the strop over the girlfriend staying any attention

Hubby needs to wake up there is no sodding guilt needed as he sees his son provides for him and has a home he's welcome in whenever he wants !
You have been together 8 years he must of known when leaving the relationship with DSS mother he would meet someone else and life would change , trouble is if he's doing all he should be for son it's almost a bit of a cop out on DH for not pulling his weight or wanted to be Disney dad which isn't reality

Is he the same with your daughter? If she didn't get own way would he sulk?

@craftyyankee, I've tried dropping the rope too. All that happens is I'm left to deal with the aftermath and it impacts the rest of the week. I manage everything, the household, daughter, arrangements, bills, his mum, his meds, appointments etc because he can't.

@mummaL32, with our daughter, he tries his best to discipline her but he gets frustrated with her quite quickly. He's massively loving and spoils her too but I know it's because he feels guilt because he is aware of his own shortcomings.

it sounds an intorable situation , no wonder your miserable , of course the main problem is your husband , i honestly dont think you should move your dd out of her room and in with you so the stepson gets it instead , its crazy why a child that lives full time in her home should have it taken away from her in favour of one that visits eow .

step parents seem to be judged harshly on here , but i wouldnt take any notice of some of the responses , its beyond me why a woman is supposed to love someones elses kid equally to their own because she married that childs father , as is the suggestion a child should give up their bedroom for one that merely visits on weekends .

its obvious that that the girlfriend cant come as well ,and its quite pathetic really that your dh wouldnt have been saying no straight away .
it could be hopeful this might mean the stepson might not come very much anymore if he wants to spend time with his girlfriend
but in fairness its a chance , you will always have hanging over you how often hes going to be coming by , your husband wont get tough with him and personally in your shoes id be done too

you have said how difficult you could find finishing it , well think about how drained and unhappy you are and just say to him , im not happy and i dont wanna carry this on anymore, obviously you word it how you want to word it . sometimes if you dont know how to do it , the easiest way is just to say it bluntly i have found

@chaosrabbitland, thank you.
I forgot how unkind some posters can be towards step parents so I have chosen to ignore some of the comments here.
I know what I have done over the years and I'm more than comfortable with myself. I've come from a single parent household myself and wouldn't ever try and hurt a child's feelings.

I've tried being blunt and he'll just promise to put things right and try harder. I just need to face it that he can't and the only effort he can muster isn't towards saving his marriage but what he finds natural which is pandering to his son.

You have two children in the family but only made space in the home for one. How did you and your DH possibly come to that decision?

I too feel mostly for your DSS. It is sad to see a child who isn't even considered to have enough worth in the family to be given space in the home. And to hope he would just stop coming so that you could just live happily without him. Poor kid.

A lot if your annoyance seems to hinge on the fact that he’s ‘taking over’ the living room/your daughter’s room but where else did you think he’d sleep? Even if he was in the hallway I’m sure he’d be in your way. When you marry a man with a child, surely you’re aware that child will visit and take up house room? I know you hoped he’d stop coming but to be honest that sounds bit daft. Why did you hope your husband would stop seeing his teen son?

I would think of it the other way. You want to leave your husband but you know little he values his first child. Will he be the same with your dd? How will you feel when she comes home and says ‘yeah I slept in the living room. No, Amy wasn’t happy, she hates me being in the way haha. But I don’t have a bedroom. Dad bought me a takeaway though.’

You also seem to be conflating your lazy and selfish husband who parents poorly and won’t help in the household with your stepson. It’s not his fault his father shunts all the housework onto you, and to be honest that seems to be why you’re leaving. But that has very little to do with the stepson.

@Midlifemusings

You have two children in the family but only made space in the home for one. How did you and your DH possibly come to that decision?

I too feel mostly for your DSS. It is sad to see a child who isn't even considered to have enough worth in the family to be given space in the home. And to hope he would just stop coming so that you could just live happily without him. Poor kid.

@Midlifemusings but what is the op supposed to do? Pull an extra room out of her arse? She has said that they can't afford a three bedroom and it's not her responsibility, he is dh's son so he should have thought about how it was all going to work not the op.

I think your marriage is over. You don't respect him (who could?) I'd be making plans to separate. In the meantime, do the boy/girl bedroom thing. Sympathy, OP. I can hear how hard you've tried to make this work. It's okay to say 'I'm done' now.

OP we live in a 4 bedroom house and my massively entitled, manipulative SD (21) first refused contact as a punishment to DH when she didn't get what she wanted (or when he disciplined her age 14) and now is no longer allowed in her home after a huge safety incident last year so the bedroom is not the issue here.

My DH is a self confessed lazy arse and would happily sit and not notice all the work that needs doing around him. I very blatantly point out to him sometimes that this house does not magically run itself and things need doing. And he does them. So does SS. It's frustrating but very achievable

I cannot believe some of the unsympathetic and ludicrous comments you are getting, @Sabota. It is clear from your posts that you are trying your best and have reached the end of your tether.

Right now you are totally stressed out because you are trying to cope in a situation which simply does not have a realistic solution. Your husband will never change and your life would be infinitely calmer if you left.

Can you instead focus your energy on extricating yourself from this chaotic life? Make a step by step list of what you need to do to leave? What is actually stopping you?

Sounds like you've realised this is a DH problem. I'm sorry things have got so tough.

I dont say this often but I haven't read all the messages - I can guess though that a fair few are criticising you. I know though that things unfold and it's great with hindsight to say that you should have provided a 3rd bedroom as I am sure you know that would have been ideal and would have done if you could. Of course the point of your thread though is that his Dad hasn't made any of this happen and your 'job' was to be welcoming not the sole provider. We have no reason to assume you didn't. The fact that your son wants his girlfriend round etc suggests he feels very welcome or at least believes she will be. Presumably he wouldn't want her in a situation that is upsetting or that he perceives to be difficult.

I just really wanted to say that I feel so sorry for you that you are feeling that you are at the end of the road.

Do you think your husband knows how it feels?

Would trying the male / female room - as you suggest - be a potential solution? Not ideal at all but neither is the situation now.

I think your marriage has run its course OP. And you are now going through the painful realisation. There's no point apportioning blame. Sending hugs.