8 years, I think I'm done

[Sabota]

Been with DH for 8 years and have a now 16 year old DSS. Love him dearly but, I'm so, so tired.

DH has him EOW and through holidays. Since we've been together, we've kept the arrangement up despite living in a one bed small flat and when DD came along, moved to a two bed.

DH has ADHD and finds organising, cleaning and managing too overwhelming so the majority of it always falls on me. We've had countless arguments and he promises to try harder but, it's never happened.

I've been content with the fact that DSS will at some change the amount he comes over which would impact us less.

But, its actually more now.

DSS prefers it here because DH waits on him, orders his favorite food and doesn't expect anything in the way of cleaning up after himself. If DSS doesn't get his way, he goes silent on his dad and DH is falling over himself to make things better.

He eats, lays on the sofa or takes over our DD5 bedroom. We have a open plan kitchen/living room but flat is small so I wake up to both DH and DSS sleeping in the only other room. The smell of testosterone this morning was enough for me.
I take my DD5 out just so we're not clambering over each other but still come home to clutter and crap.

I have a midweek visit to look forward to for 2 nights this week (I wfh 40 hours a week) as well as next weekend. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of cleaning, clearing and trying to make the place look less chaotic.

I don't actually know why I'm writing this post other than to vent. And because I just don't know how to make this any better.

Does it get better??

@spaceshiptomars, he does have a job but he's clinging to it with dear life. He lost his long term job when he had a breakdown and the ADHD was discovered.

We both work for the same small organisation. He almost faced redundancy but I have a good relationship with the boss and a job has been carved out for him.

If we break up, he has no where to go buy has a good nest egg as inheritance to rent somewhere. It's enough for a deposit to buy but both our wages wouldn't qualify for a mortgage, let alone his.
He works 25 hours, I work 40.

SS won't be going to Uni I don't think. He's about yo sit GCSEs but hasn't done well (we think the ADHD is hereditary from DH side of family) so he's struggled without the support and his mum won't entertain the idea at all. I think it'll be college and a job somewhere but already there's been talk that he'll have more time to spend here during A Levels as he'll no longer be doing school hours.

Even when 18 year olds go to university, they sometimes don't really become independent. Some young adults obviously do, and are barely ever seen again for one reason or another. (This was me from age 19, for not especially happy reasons.)

But others return home for 3 months of summer, a month at easter, a month a Xmas, and a number of weekends. One of my student neighbours does this. He goes home every Friday and they drop him back on Monday afternoon with his washing done and a bag of food.

So stuff like this need to factored in as possibilities, re any future plans and expectations.

@Sabota

Whoa, this is a bit all encompassing isn't it? No good solution whichever way you jump. Nothing springs to mind immediately, but I can see exactly why you're thinking 'girls room, boys room'.

All teenagers are not selfish arses. Mine would be given a chance but they know I would not put up with it.

I know teens (mine included), who Pinckney up after themselves, do their own laundry, pitch in with cooking and cleaning and babysit younger siblings when needed. Who also have weekend jobs and are polite and respectful of their home and parents.

The lazy selfish teens appear to be on MN and are only behaving like this because they have parents tiptoeing and pandering to their bad behaviour.

I’d hate to think what the DSS will be like as an adult. Probably still expecting his father to be doing everything for him and paying for him.

@frazzledasarock

All teenagers are not selfish arses. Mine would be given a chance but they know I would not put up with it.

I know teens (mine included), who Pinckney up after themselves, do their own laundry, pitch in with cooking and cleaning and babysit younger siblings when needed. Who also have weekend jobs and are polite and respectful of their home and parents.

The lazy selfish teens appear to be on MN and are only behaving like this because they have parents tiptoeing and pandering to their bad behaviour.

I’d hate to think what the DSS will be like as an adult. Probably still expecting his father to be doing everything for him and paying for him.

Totally agree with this. I despair at some of the things people talk like all teenagers do on here.

@frazzledasarock DSS is probably following the example his dad set.

OP we all make mistakes, many of us misinterpret situations we are in and stay in relationships in the hope it will get better. It’s not your fault DH isn’t a great partner & father.

Your latest update is telling, he doesn’t work full time (maintenance on a reduced income?), he is in danger of losing his job/family income, presumably is home more but doesn’t do any housework, you don’t say if he cares for his child’s needs.

On the other hand you are working 40hrs, take responsibility for his job, do all housework/shopping? Was caring for your mum, do the admin, all childcare? Presumably pay most of the bills.

What use is he? Do you even love him?

What are you thinking for the future? What do you want to change?

@timestheyarechanging

Why do you live in a two bedroom flat when you have two, different sex, children? Surely they both need a space to themselves, the teenage stepson more so?

Yes OP, how silly of you to be poor, you should try being rich instead!

If your DH is affected by the adhd to the extent that he can only work part time can he claim disability benefits? Then use the money for a cleaner? Do you think it’s genuinely that bad?
Personally if the ss is only there every other weekend and part of the holidays I’d just put daughter in with you (no need for your husband to move out the room?). The ss would then have some space and won’t be under you feet constantly. Your daughter is only little and won’t need privacy and space for a few years

I get you OP, perhaps the only thing I would do is wait for a bit just in case your recent bereavement is reducing your tolerance threshold and affecting how you see your relationship especially when the load you are carrying almost on your own is only going to increase in the future.

@bungleandgeorge, he applied for PIP in December when there was talk of redundancy which has just been declined.
It is genuinely that bad, I havent posted for traffic. Our room isn't big enough for the 3 of us to sleep together when SS is here unfortunately. Dh normally sleeps on sofa, SS in DDs room and DD with me.

@thebigdilemma, I understand what you're saying. Dh is kind and loving and has a clean heart. I can't phathom that the ADHD isn't part of his misgivings because he's genuinely not an arsehole but can't understand why he won't take steps and make changes.
He's neglected his responsilbility towards me whilst I've upheld mine as a wife, a friend and a mother.
I know we'll attempt to have a conversation tonight about this, he'll apologise, say he'll make changes and then nothing will happen.
This was the cycle before my mum passed away and perhaps bereavement has made me more tired but I honestly can't see changes happening.

You deserve to be appreciated & happy.
This scenario is making you miserable.
Both of them could spend half an hour a day tidying or cleaning, or doing the washing up or helping cook, together.
You are their servant.
Your H may have ADHD, but he is also a pisstaker

I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time on here, OP. Ignore the unpleasant comments.

Presumably DH pays maintenance from his part time wage, and you are main source of income?

Given that you work full time, clean and run the home, look after your small daughter, pay the bills, organise his meds and appointments and probably a million other things week in, week out, you are really not asking for much.

Presumably your DH would still be living at his mum’s if he hadn’t met you?

I’m not sure how many more chances you want to give DH to get himself together. You’ve said he falls over himself to accommodate DSS and is overwhelmed with guilt if he ever has to say no to him. And yet, DH is unable to do anything for you or your daughter but is happy to sit back and let you carry him. This feels like very contradictory behaviour, which makes me wonder how much of it is voluntary, as opposed to involuntarily part of his ADHD.

No one would blame you if you asked him to move out.

Out of interest, why does he sleep on the sofa with his son rather than in bed with you? Is your DD giving up her room each time for no reason if DSS and DH are both on the sofa?

At 16, DSS shouldn’t expect to have overnights with his girlfriend on the sofa of a small flat with 2 adults and a small child in the next rooms. Don’t feel guilty about saying no.

At 16, DSS shouldn’t expect to have overnights with his girlfriend on the sofa of a small flat with 2 adults and a small child in the next rooms. Don’t feel guilty about saying no. agreed, they can go to her house or his mums house or a hotel or whatever

Was the PIP paperwork left to you, OP, or did he take care of that? That was a very quick turnaround/refusal in the current climate (massive backlogs, unfortinately for claimants).

Is he always truthful, 100%?

I don’t know op, but when a person who is supposed to be a partner becomes “another person that needs mothering” first goes the attraction, then the financial security and finally things turn toxic. It is not lack of trying on your part, I think you need to hope for the best but start planing for the worse so, if you have to split, you can before things get so bad the nasty stuff starts.

It's totally unreasonable that his dad and him don't clean up after themselves and leave it to you OP. And taking over DD5s bedroom is just strange.

How is it ‘strange’ taking over the dd bedroom? OP doesn’t like him sleeping in the living room. Where else is he supposed to go? Should he curl up in a tiny hall in a corner and spring awake the second light touches the room? He has to sleep somewhere.

This isn’t even about the stepson - I don’t know why it’s in step parenting at all. The boy is just being used as a convenient vessel to realise that she is married to a useless and selfish husband. The only thing the step son seems to have done wrong is sleep in the living room - when he has nowhere else to sleep!

Ask DH to leave and enjoy your flat with your daughter

So because DH has ADHD he can’t cope with cleaning!! I had no idea that was a medical symptom of ADHD- I might need to use that excuse

@Prometheus

So because DH has ADHD he can’t cope with cleaning!! I had no idea that was a medical symptom of ADHD- I might need to use that excuse

There's a strong element of prioritising the most important thing and everything else goes hang.

So because DH has ADHD he can’t cope with cleaning!! I had no idea that was a medical symptom of ADHD- I might need to use that excuse

If you have adhd then you should know that executive function is a very very common struggle, of which managing time and chores and housework fall under. Just because your adhd does not cause this struggle does not mean the many who do are lying.

That doesn't mean OP should be happy managing it all on her own, she does not deserve the hard time she's getting on here, I know my dh finds it very frustrating when he sees half a sink full of pots because I've gone into another room and started vacuuming, or that I've left the vacuum out in the living room because I've suddenly remembered the laundry I forgot to hang out four hours earlier. Some tasks take me a significantly amount of time if it involves following instructions like cooking from a recipe. So sometimes dh ends up taking over to get things done because it's frustrating for him watching me struggle taking an hour to do something because I can't stay focussed on because it's like ten little tasks in my head all at once and he'd be on step 9 whiles still at step 2.

He's had to work very hard at not taking over all the time to get things done more efficiently and he knows I feel like an absolute piece of shit when somethings needed doing that's obvious to everyone else just hasn't registered with me. I won't be surprised if that's not how the OP has ended up being responsible for everything over time.

The root of the problem is that when a move was made to a bigger apartment, OP DH's didn't advocate for his son as being part of the family and needing to be welcomed and given space in the home. Now OP sees him as a guest overstaying his welcome versus a member of the family. The apartment is too small for 4 people when there are two adults, a teen, and a young child. The teen is odd man out as he isn't a member of the nuclear family and as OP says - a guest in her home. This is a DH problem as he should have made it clear that his son was family and made decisions that a parent who has a child should make - ensuring they have accommodation for their child.

This is a DH problem as he should have made it clear that his son was family and made decisions that a parent who has a child should make - ensuring they have accommodation for their child.

Well, yes. In an ideal world, the DH would have the full range of health and abilities, OP would not have had a sick mother and a bereavement to handle, and the son would be self-motivated and pushing his Dad to earn more money! Also, the pandemic would never have happened and Ukraine would still be a sunny paradise full of glowing fields of wheat.

Now, back to reality and what next.....

@SpaceshiptoMars

This is a DH problem as he should have made it clear that his son was family and made decisions that a parent who has a child should make - ensuring they have accommodation for their child.

Well, yes. In an ideal world, the DH would have the full range of health and abilities, OP would not have had a sick mother and a bereavement to handle, and the son would be self-motivated and pushing his Dad to earn more money! Also, the pandemic would never have happened and Ukraine would still be a sunny paradise full of glowing fields of wheat.

Now, back to reality and what next.....

Making sure your child has space in your home is hardly a utopian daydream. It’s a basic parental responsibility. Same as helping manage the household work.