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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to not let the ex win

30 replies

Defrump · 01/04/2022 11:57

She is weaponising the children which is sad and I ignored it at first but surely this behaviour is not normal?
Tells them that my partner broke her heart
That he is a liar
That he lies to everyone
That he doesn't love them.
My partner admits he should never have got with her but doesn't regret his kids but she is poisoning them against him even tho she moved on first and has new family.
What would you do?
I'm not leaving him just looking for ways to deal with her poison. Thanks

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 01/04/2022 14:01

I don't think there is really anything you can do about what she's doing with the kids. All you can control is how it affects your household and happiness. What sort of affect is it having?

ExplodingElephants · 01/04/2022 18:45

God I hate when the ex gets like this. DH’s ex got all uppity the other day when he objected to her taking DSD out driving without insurance because she ‘couldn’t afford to add her to the policy’. Apparently DH needs to ‘get a grip’ 🙄 She’s such a bitch, thinks she’s mum of the year and is always doing dangerous things like that.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 01/04/2022 18:47

Ignore, ignore, ignore. It's the only thing that worked for me. As far as possible, don't let it effect you. I used to ask myself why I gave a shit what she thinks of me or dp. Do I give a shit if her friends think I'm xyz? Not really. It's hard when they alienate kids and I've been there, and unfortunately I don't have the answer to that, I really don't.

BingeOnChocolate · 01/04/2022 19:12

As others have said, ignore but also build the childrens self esteem and self worth back up as by putting your DP down, she's dragging them down too. Their poor minds will be conflicted around what mum says and how dad reacts when they relay - my DSD noticed my DP would clench his hand whenever he was furious despite his face being smiley/reassuring/calm. Children do start twigging onto when a person is very negative about a person who's not bad mouthing back but they do need to feel empowered to understand their feelings as sometimes it can be daunting for them to disagree with angry person.

Don't focus on what mum says to them so for us, we tell DSD daily they are loved, they can do anything, they matter and as long they tell the truth about everything including their own feelings, they'll not be in trouble even if it's upsetting to hear. This really helps for when she visits her mum as she's started to realise her mums behaviour on contact days isn't great and starting to find her own opinion on what's being said to her.

If they mention mum said ABC, dad needs to just reconfirm that's incorrect but he isn't going to go down tit for tat except to say he loves them very much and then redirect to whatever you were all doing.

Original poster

Defrump · 02/04/2022 07:56

Hello
We ignored it at the beginning but it's escalated and it's being said A LOT now. Like every single time they come here and they will sing Liar Liar Pants on Fire endlessly. Its bizarre and they do it at my partner's parents and his mum especially gets very distressed. She is the calmest person ever and has ignored and distracted them but it's got out of hand.
When my DH talks to the ex she claims she said it years ago and the kids just remember (yeah right).
I get upset for my husband who is a great father, not Disney, but genuinely wants the best for them.
Is it too much to say they will face consequences for calling us liars- having toys and treats taken away?
I just can't imagine growing up calling my parents names like this and not being court marshalled!

OP posts:

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 02/04/2022 08:11

I think it is too much because they're being told to do it. I would be brutally honest about how it makes you both feel, and how even if someone has told you to say something that being mean is wrong.

I'm just not sure you can punish because it's not their fault

aSofaNearYou · 02/04/2022 10:31

How old are they? I think singing that is quite rude tbh, I wouldn't be totally letting it slide.

I'd probably tell them I don't want to punish them for it if they are being told to say it but it is unacceptable and if they don't stop you will have to punish them.

PaperClipPlane · 02/04/2022 11:40

Depends on their ages. Can their Dad explain this is not ok, he loves them very much and it hurts him when they say nasty things.

Then just continue leading by example - showing them you all love them, show them a happy family time when they're with you. I think over time the truth and reality will sink in rather than their mother's poison.

Original poster

Defrump · 02/04/2022 11:44

The mother is so vindictive despite the fact she moved on first and has a baby aswell. To keep saying to a 5 and 7 year old that daddy broke her heart and is a liar and their new 'dad' is a "good man" just sounds psychotic to me. The younger one wont even say he loves his gran only that mummy is the only lady he loves. So sad.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2022 23:44

You can’t punish 5 and 7 year olds for repeating things like that they’ve heard. Poor mites, she sounds deranged but they need stability and security from their dad, not punishment.

bluejelly · 02/04/2022 23:50

Agree that you can't punish 5 and 7 year olds. They don't know any better. I think calm, consistent, positive it all you can be. You will 'win' in the end.
Tough situation though.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 03/04/2022 10:38

@bluejelly

Agree that you can't punish 5 and 7 year olds. They don't know any better. I think calm, consistent, positive it all you can be. You will 'win' in the end. Tough situation though.

Unfortunately I wouldn't be so sure, manipulative and abusive people do "win" an awful lot.

whatstheteamarie · 03/04/2022 11:42

Does your DP have 50/50 custody? If not can he look at increasing his time with them?

The more time he spends with his DC, the more he will be able to show them what kind of man he is.

Original poster

Defrump · 03/04/2022 15:33

It was our weekend but they didn't even stay one night. Its so awful to see my husband nearly in tears. The younger boy repeated about daddy being a liar to me aswell but was actually very affectionate towards me.
I just can't see them being deprogrammed until maybe the teenage years

OP posts:

DragonOverTheMoon · 03/04/2022 15:42

Sometimes I controversially think the best thing the dad can do is step back and re engage when they're older. Parental conflict hurts children so much

M0RVEN · 03/04/2022 16:26

@Defrump

It was our weekend but they didn't even stay one night. Its so awful to see my husband nearly in tears. The younger boy repeated about daddy being a liar to me aswell but was actually very affectionate towards me. I just can't see them being deprogrammed until maybe the teenage years

Why didn’t the children stay over two or three nights if that’s what was planned?

Original poster

Defrump · 03/04/2022 16:57

The older boy was crying saying he missed his mum. His mum tells them she misses them so much and the older lad said he felt bad coming to ours. When my partner asks her about it she denies doing that.

OP posts:

unim · 03/04/2022 17:09

Have a look at therapeutic parenting techniques, you might find it helpful.

I would continue to ignore / grey rock, and focus on building your relationship in a positive way. If you don't react - including talking to the mum about it - it's more likely to fade out.

M0RVEN · 03/04/2022 23:17

It sounds like the children need to spend a lot more time with their dad, so that they can see for themselves what kind of man he is.

And if they don’t like staying overnight they could just come for the day and go home at night.

IMO you are getting very caught up in what the children say and wheat you want them to say. It’s entirely normal for a 5 yo to say that he only loves his mum. You sound very controlling trying to get him to say that he loves his gran.

If your partner genuinely does want the best for his children then he needs to stop policing how his ex parents the children and do the best job of parenting himself, to set an example.

TBH you sound like you are looking for an excuse to see the children even less than you do already. However If his ex is such a terrible person and a bad mother, he needs to care for his children more, not less.

Original poster

Defrump · 04/04/2022 07:24

Eh? Where have I said I was forcing anyone to say they love gran???? I have taken advice from this board from the beginning and don't try to act like I'm their mum however I am very hands on with them. It's about helping my husband whose heart breaks when they say they want to go back to mummy's.

OP posts:

lickenchugget · 04/04/2022 07:32

TBH you sound like you are looking for an excuse to see the children even less than you do already

Where has OP indicated this?

Go grey rock, as others have said, OP. Ex wants a reaction, don’t give it to her. Easier said than done, I know!

unim · 04/04/2022 17:14

@Defrump

You just need to get over this as a parent; it hurts at first but it's just a normal developmental stage to favour one parent over another at times (usually the one who isn't actually there at any given point!) and you need to be the adult and just love them even when you're not their favourite.

My little one was telling me the other day that I'm the worst mum in the world and she hates me! (I think that was when I wouldn't put jam on her hot cross bun...)

But honestly they will probably also be crying to mum when they get back about how much they miss daddy!

Theunamedcat · 04/04/2022 17:26

Except you dont know how he behaved in the past do you? My exes girlfriend has only evergreen the good side of him the side that "fought" to see his kids (except he didn't really he dumped them during lockdown rang me saying he wanted to see them again and I said OK but he tells everyone how he fought really hard for them 🙄) he could have treated them badly in the past and changed his ways 🤷‍♂️

skipperjonce · 04/04/2022 17:33

Why wouldn't you put jam on hot Cross buns?! Big blob of butter then jam smeared on top. Heaven! (misses point of thread)

Theunamedcat · 04/04/2022 18:29

@skipperjonce

Why wouldn't you put jam on hot Cross buns?! Big blob of butter then jam smeared on top. Heaven! (misses point of thread)

I have honestly never tried this any particular jam?

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