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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want his ex at our wedding.

230 replies

malificent7 · 10/01/2022 10:49

We all get on really well but i don't want here there. I think it's because when we 1st got together he was too enmeshed even though she was living with another man (who she cheated on dp with). He admits he was scared of loosing dsd so he had to jeep things sweet.
Dsd will be 14 t the wedding and more than capable of holding her own. I want to have this 1 day on our terms.

OP posts:
pictish · 12/01/2022 18:26

🤷‍♀️

BurntToastAgain · 12/01/2022 18:26

The fact that anyone would argue that a stepdaughters preference to have her mother there is more important than the bride being comfortable.

Even on your own wedding day, you are supposed to grin and bear it because of the SC’s preferences and wants.

Not a need. She’s 13 and could sit with her grandparents. Or a friend. Or many other things. Just a preference.

nevergoesaway · 12/01/2022 18:29

@pictish

I’m not implying that OP has to agree to it. I’m more concerned by Mumsnet handing out a flat no with fuck all to go on other than BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE.
Yes and if it was the OP insisting that her ex came to the wedding and her fiancé didn’t want him to, everyone on here would be on his side and it would be GROOM GROOM GROOM.

It’s just not fair to insist on a guest being at a wedding if it makes either the bride or groom feel uneasy.

aSofaNearYou · 12/01/2022 18:32

@pictish

What a self-absorbed bunch.
Are we supposed to be upset by this? You are the one mocking a bride for not wanting to feel uncomfortable on her wedding day. If you think that makes people self absorbed, then you're really not the one coming across well.
KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 18:44

@pictish

Simply uncomfortable? Oh well, must let the bride have her way. Who gives a shit about the groom and/or his daughter when the bride is…uncomfortable? Nothing worse than that.
If the groom is uncomfortable not having his ex there then he has issues
pictish · 12/01/2022 18:45

I’m not seeking to upset you. I’m being honest. That’s what I think.
It may fly against popular opinion but who cares about that? We’re not Borg. I genuinely can’t see a tangible reason not to invite her if the groom would like it for his daughter. People invite other people they wouldn’t wish to have at their wedding ALL THE TIME .

I had to invite fil to my wedding. That made me uncomfortable. He doesn’t think I’m good enough for his son but hey, I made the requisite noises in his direction then looked right through him as I enjoyed my wedding. It was no skin off mine. I’m not insecure, he’s a silly pompous man.

We both invited dh’s ex. She’s a pal.

People perceive things different ways.

pictish · 12/01/2022 18:50

And I am perfectly (ok, reasonably) rational. Thank you.

aSofaNearYou · 12/01/2022 18:53

@pictish

I’m not seeking to upset you. I’m being honest. That’s what I think. It may fly against popular opinion but who cares about that? We’re not Borg. I genuinely can’t see a tangible reason not to invite her if the groom would like it for his daughter. People invite other people they wouldn’t wish to have at their wedding ALL THE TIME .

I had to invite fil to my wedding. That made me uncomfortable. He doesn’t think I’m good enough for his son but hey, I made the requisite noises in his direction then looked right through him as I enjoyed my wedding. It was no skin off mine. I’m not insecure, he’s a silly pompous man.

We both invited dh’s ex. She’s a pal.

People perceive things different ways.

Your FIL is immediate family to your husband, his ex is not immediate family to the groom, it isn't on the same level in terms of compromise being needed.
HeckyPeck · 12/01/2022 18:57

Pictish, you say OPs fiance and his ex are friends so it's fine, but they clearly aren't.

Friends don't threaten to stop you seeing your children to get their own way. Not any friends I've had anyway.

pictish · 12/01/2022 18:59

I’m not arsed to argue semantics about the nature or intricacies of varying relationships and how they relate to wedding invitations. That is so specific to the individual scenario there is no point.
There’s no actual rule.

aSofaNearYou · 12/01/2022 19:00

@pictish

I’m not arsed to argue semantics about the nature or intricacies of varying relationships and how they relate to wedding invitations. That is so specific to the individual scenario there is no point. There’s no actual rule.
Yes, there is no actual rule, yet your default response is to be scathing and mocking.
pictish · 12/01/2022 19:07

I’m not being that scathing. Some of what I’m reading is why people have unnecessary drama in their lives…because they uphold these arbitrary opinions, seemingly without needing details.
You’ve heard nothing from the dh2b, just agreed that she’s an ex so she can’t come. Because bride.

It’s frustrating.

pictish · 12/01/2022 19:10

The OP will do what she likes anyway. She wants affirmation, she’s got it. It’s fine.

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 19:11

@pictish

I’m not being that scathing. Some of what I’m reading is why people have unnecessary drama in their lives…because they uphold these arbitrary opinions, seemingly without needing details. You’ve heard nothing from the dh2b, just agreed that she’s an ex so she can’t come. Because bride.

It’s frustrating.

That's all that's needed though. One party doesn't want them there. They don't need to be there.
BurntToastAgain · 12/01/2022 19:14

@pictish

I’m not being that scathing. Some of what I’m reading is why people have unnecessary drama in their lives…because they uphold these arbitrary opinions, seemingly without needing details. You’ve heard nothing from the dh2b, just agreed that she’s an ex so she can’t come. Because bride.

It’s frustrating.

If the thread were reversed and the op wanted to invite her ex to suit her daughters preferences but her fiancé was against it because it made him uncomfortable… we’d all be saying she was unreasonable. Because groom.
Starseeking · 12/01/2022 19:22

@pictish

Apparently NOTHING trumps the bride. Hmm

You do realise a wedding is a day to celebrate a BRIDE and GROOM??? Confused

Tomlettegregg · 12/01/2022 19:25

You're being ridiculous. So you don't want to invite his ex despite the fact she's married with 2 kids. Fine. But you also don't want him to tell her she's not uninvited by taking her to one side. That's crazy.

BraveGoldie · 12/01/2022 19:26

OP, this feels like a bit of a fuss about nothing. Of course you don't want her there - perfectly natural. Your DP has already agreed..... so.....?

I don't see why he shouldn't tell her individually - seems diplomatic and worthwhile if he has a good coparenting relationship. So don't know why you said no to that. Other than that, what's the issue?

BurntToastAgain · 12/01/2022 19:29

If a man I was going to marry insisted in inviting his ex wife to the wedding, I’d be tempted to point out that he already had his chance to invite her to a wedding. And to stop being ridiculous.

His desire to indulge all his daughter’s wants (not needs) is not a good reason for insisting on inviting his ex. She doesn’t need to be there. If he can’t put his fiancée’s happiness before his nonresident father crap on his wedding day (remembering that his daughters needs can easily be met with other family members or friends), then he shouldn’t be getting married at all.

Starseeking · 12/01/2022 19:30

@Tomlettegregg

You're being ridiculous. So you don't want to invite his ex despite the fact she's married with 2 kids. Fine. But you also don't want him to tell her she's not uninvited by taking her to one side. That's crazy.

No one needs to take anyone to one side to explain why they're not being invited to a wedding, least of all an EXW. No-one has to be at any wedding, except the bride, groom, two witnesses and the registrar.

This is one of the most bizarre step-parenting threads I've read on MN. I've really heard it all now; even on the day the couple are celebrating their relationship, a DSM is still expected to put herself at the bottom of the pile. That's what's ridiculous.

Original poster
malificent7 · 12/01/2022 19:32

His dd will be absolutely fine. My dd will keep her company and her aunt etc. Dp is fine with her not going. It is the dynamics tbh and as she cheated on dp I think his family would be pissed to see her thete too.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 12/01/2022 19:32

Unless you are pretty good friends with his ex, which is generally unusual, it’s inappropriate to have the ex at a wedding. And no stepchild needs there mum there unless they’re a toddler - lots of other members of family and friends that are known to them will be there for company (if they need it!). I’d think a teenager would prefer their best friend to be invited more than their mum!

And yes he does need to reorganise his boundaries. You all need a good working relationship, but that’s all.

Interrobanger · 12/01/2022 19:39

I genuinely can’t see a tangible reason not to invite her if the groom would like it for his daughter

Reading between the lines I think that the groom really wants his ex there for him. That’s why OP is uncomfortable.

Original poster
malificent7 · 12/01/2022 19:42

He told me he wanted her there to look after his dd but realises now she will be fine.

OP posts:
Interrobanger · 12/01/2022 19:44

Great. So she doesn’t need to come then.

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