I don't want his ex at our wedding.

[malificent7]

We all get on really well but i don't want here there. I think it's because when we 1st got together he was too enmeshed even though she was living with another man (who she cheated on dp with). He admits he was scared of loosing dsd so he had to jeep things sweet.
Dsd will be 14 t the wedding and more than capable of holding her own. I want to have this 1 day on our terms.

@Tomlettegregg

You're being ridiculous. So you don't want to invite his ex despite the fact she's married with 2 kids. Fine. But you also don't want him to tell her she's not uninvited by taking her to one side. That's crazy.

She doesnt need to be told and treated with special kid gloves. She just doesn't get an invitation.

@malificent7

His dd will be absolutely fine. My dd will keep her company and her aunt etc. Dp is fine with her not going. It is the dynamics tbh and as she cheated on dp I think his family would be pissed to see her thete too.

Well yeah exactly and he should be pissed if she was there too!

@malificent7

He told me he wanted her there to look after his dd but realises now she will be fine.

Good problem solved

I think it is weird for me as there is no way on God's earth I would be friends with someone who cheated on me ...i am very discerning when it comes to friends and I feel she had done a number on him so he feels the need to grovel in order for access to his kid. He has sold himself short.
Our friendship with the ex makes everyones life easier including mine and his childs but i think this pandering nonsense needs to stop.

But yeah...problem solved!

@malificent7

He told me he wanted her there to look after his dd but realises now she will be fine.

Look after a teenager? 🤣

What a stupid reason.

Hmmmmm.....i think he does regard her as a friend and still has some fondness for her.

I get it OP. My DH has a teenage child with his ex.

His ex has treated him, and their child, really badly over the years. Very selfish behaviour, fucking everyone around at the last minute, one time she told us she was leaving the country (without DSC) for a week with only 8 hours notice and we had to rearrange our whole schedules to look after DSC on her days. She took a mat leave cover job in another city without any prior discussion and that meant DSC lived with us full time for a whole year. She saw DSC once a week and didn’t pay a single penny in CMS. There are dozens more examples like that I could give you.

He says he doesn’t want to have bad feeling between them because it would upset DSC. But he and I argue about this same issue all the time and it creates bad feeling between us, but somehow that doesn’t matter?

Anyway, DH never says anything. He lets her get away with it all just in case she… what? I’m not even really sure any more. DSC is old enough to get public transport to our house and let themselves in with their key now. He has no reason to capitulate to her selfish demands or keep her sweet. But it’s a dynamic that’s never changed since she first left him 12 years ago, and to be honest, the fact that he lets her treat him so badly - along with the double standards he expects from our relationship - makes me lose respect for him a little bit.

Sorry, that was all about me there. The short version being: I hear you. If it was me, I’d be on strictly civil speaking terms only with anyone who mugged me off like that.

Interrobanger...i get you exactly...i feel he is weak when it comes to standing up to her. But he is amazing in all other ways and world's best dad and i respect him immensely for that!

I'm glad you've sorted it OP but your way of thinking - with regards never being friends with someone that cheated on you, is not a particularly adult way of thinking given that thrrr is s child involved. My parents split and still get on very well. In fact we all (with their respective partners) spent Christmas together. My mum often calls my dad and his partner and goes to visit them. They had 4 children together and have known each other for decades. Although my dad did cheat on my mum, she'd always seen maintaining a relationship with him as a positive. It is much better that my parents can get on and spend time together than there being a lingering animosity.

And, it really isn't for you to decide what your DP is willing to accept or who he is willing to be friends with.

I know that ypu are right to a certain extent kirinm. I am mates with her too in a way and it works well for us. I do give myself a periodic kick up the butt and realise that being friends is best for the child.
Not sure why i have strong feelings about her not coming when we do get on well.

@kirinm it is for OP to decide who comes to her wedding though.
Stepdaughter is a teenager, with all of Dh's family there with her, there is literally no need for her to be there if OP doesn't want her there. It's op's wedding not the step daughter's.
Again, inviting an ex to your wedding doesn't make you 'cool' or emotionally superior.

*for ex to be there with her

[quote EllaPaella]**@kirinm* it is for OP to decide who comes to her* wedding though.
Stepdaughter is a teenager, with all of Dh's family there with her, there is literally no need for her to be there if OP doesn't want her there. It's op's wedding not the step daughter's.
Again, inviting an ex to your wedding doesn't make you 'cool' or emotionally superior. [/quote]
This

[quote EllaPaella]**@kirinm* it is for OP to decide who comes to her* wedding though.
Stepdaughter is a teenager, with all of Dh's family there with her, there is literally no need for her to be there if OP doesn't want her there. It's op's wedding not the step daughter's.
Again, inviting an ex to your wedding doesn't make you 'cool' or emotionally superior. [/quote]
Some of you have a massive chip on your shoulders. I didn't say the OP should invite her or say the dad's suggestion that the child needs support there is wrong. I do think the stepmothers on this thread who have categorically decided it's an apparent rule that exes aren't invited to weddings are ridiculous given that such a rule is absolute bollocks.

But there is no rule that you can't be friends or that exes can't be friends because one cheated on the other and it isn't up to the OP to decide who her DP should be friends with.

And as someone who has step parents and who's son has a step parent, if exes get on and can get on it is far far easier long term.

@kirinm nah that's not just what SMs are saying it's also mother's.

As a mother I have good boundaries with my ex, we are friendly and co parent well but would I expect a invite to his wedding ? No that would be weird sense of entitlement to expect that. I would be concerned about the wife feeling uncomfortable on her wedding day. I don't give a fig about my ex as I'm not territorial over him.

Sure the DP can be friends with his ex, no problem, however at OPs wedding she does get to decide who comes and who doesn't. The first wife "wants" doesn't trump a bride feeling comfortable on her wedding. It's not about the first wife and it's a lesson that many struggle with.

Boils down to entitlement. I'm not entitled to make someone else uncomfortable on their wedding day due to what I want or social niceties.

@kirinm I don't entirely disagree with you, but the wedding is the subject of the thread so it's hardly surprising that is what people are responding about.

Also, this doesn't sound like a simple case of him wanting to be friends with his ex and OP being controlling. From the way she has described it, it sounds like he is putting an expectation on OP for HER to view his ex as extended family and guilt tripping her for any sign that she does not, and that is just so far beyond the realm of acceptable expectations of your partner that it's no wonder OP has ended up annoyed and resentful about the whole thing. He needs to be held accountable for his manipulation.

OP also intimated that the ex may have tried to win him back when she and her partner first got together. The very fact that OP feels she needs to justify not wanting to be around this woman after all that, and has been twisted into feeling she must see her as "family", is really fucked up.

Yes it's good for the SC if the parents get on, but they've both treated OP appallingly and some of us empathise with that rather than just saying "but it's great for the kid!" As if that makes any difference to OPs predicament.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@kirinm nah that's not just what SMs are saying it's also mother's.

As a mother I have good boundaries with my ex, we are friendly and co parent well but would I expect a invite to his wedding ? No that would be weird sense of entitlement to expect that. I would be concerned about the wife feeling uncomfortable on her wedding day. I don't give a fig about my ex as I'm not territorial over him.

Sure the DP can be friends with his ex, no problem, however at OPs wedding she does get to decide who comes and who doesn't. The first wife "wants" doesn't trump a bride feeling comfortable on her wedding. It's not about the first wife and it's a lesson that many struggle with.

Boils down to entitlement. I'm not entitled to make someone else uncomfortable on their wedding day due to what I want or social niceties. [/quote]
No, that's what you as an ex is saying.

I, as a daughter of step parents is saying it is better to get on if you can - that doesn't mean invite them to everything and if the bride isn't comfortable with the ex attending her wedding then that warrants a conversation with her partner rather than an outright refusal to invite her given it is also HIS wedding.

I don't think the partner's suggestion that his teenage daughter needs company is a very good reason for inviting the ex though. If he'd said that he was really good friends with his ex and wanted her there as a friend then I think ruling the ex out as a guest is not up for the bride to decide on her own.

My comments actually come more from the OP's subsequent posts where she's suggesting that SHE finds it difficult that her OP is friends with his ex given that the ex cheated on him. That is not for her to decide and will only cause issues outside of the wedding.

You can be friends with someone and still not invite them to your wedding for all sorts of reasons though.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@kirinm I don't entirely disagree with you, but the wedding is the subject of the thread so it's hardly surprising that is what people are responding about.

Also, this doesn't sound like a simple case of him wanting to be friends with his ex and OP being controlling. From the way she has described it, it sounds like he is putting an expectation on OP for HER to view his ex as extended family and guilt tripping her for any sign that she does not, and that is just so far beyond the realm of acceptable expectations of your partner that it's no wonder OP has ended up annoyed and resentful about the whole thing. He needs to be held accountable for his manipulation.

OP also intimated that the ex may have tried to win him back when she and her partner first got together. The very fact that OP feels she needs to justify not wanting to be around this woman after all that, and has been twisted into feeling she must see her as "family", is really fucked up.

Yes it's good for the SC if the parents get on, but they've both treated OP appallingly and some of us empathise with that rather than just saying "but it's great for the kid!" As if that makes any difference to OPs predicament. [/quote]
The OP said she sees her as extended family and gets on with her - I didn't realise she was being forced to get on with her.

The OP also said that she doesn't understand why - and feels uncomfortable - that DP wants to be friends with his ex because the ex cheated on him. For me, that shouldn't be an issue for HER (although I do appreciate that might not put the ex in great light as far as OP is concerned).

@kirinm Forced is too strong a word, but there are other one's - manipulated, guilt tripped, pushed.

Read OPs posts again. She talks of him crying over this, and telling OP "he thought they were ok", he views her as family etc. In the next breath OP says that she views her as extended family, but also hates the idea of her being there and feels anger towards her. I would argue that it sounds very much like she doesn't view her as family, but feels like she is supposed to based on the expectations he puts on her. There is a degree of speculation there, but what is clear is that he HAS guilt tripped her over this issue and tried to manipulate her. That alone is not ok and likely to lead to resentment, because it is perfectly natural of OP to not feel that way.

@kirinm it's also what I say as a SM and also what I say as a SD. This also isn't a day to day thing. Getting on and being pals doesn't mean I expect a invite to my ex's wedding.

My views are also this based on what OP has put because both the mum and the DH to be have both crossed boundaries in the past. But in my view the HB is worse because he gas lighting her into accepting his world view of his ex because fammillly.
She is entitled to feelings of her own and the ex wife's feelings on the matter don't trump that, not OP the wedding day. Give abs take on day to day sure but this is different.

The simple matter of the fact is that actually OP is ok to not want this on her wedding day. There's only drama because the adults are making it so, as per usual in blended families. I as a SD wouldn't have given a fig tbh.

But If my DH disregarded me saying a situation made me uncomfortable on my wedding day I would be seeing red flag 🚩. I would be very concerned if the ex then was expecting/demanding to be invited and my HB to be was being a wet lettuce about it.

Kids don't care about adult problems, we need to stop pretending that creating drama in their name is appropriate or healthy. This is about acting as a unit and right now OP DH isn't acting as a unit with OP and the ex is encouraging the divide.

That is not good for the children involved.

@BurntToastAgain

You can be friends with someone and still not invite them to your wedding for all sorts of reasons though.

Exactly. Nobody is obligated to invite anyone to their own wedding. Except when they are a DSM, it seems.

Yes it is only poor step mums who are forced to invite certain people to their wedding that they may not want there. That doesn't happen to anyone else at all 🙄

Have you ever arranged a wedding?