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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want his ex at our wedding.

230 replies

malificent7 · 10/01/2022 10:49

We all get on really well but i don't want here there. I think it's because when we 1st got together he was too enmeshed even though she was living with another man (who she cheated on dp with). He admits he was scared of loosing dsd so he had to jeep things sweet.
Dsd will be 14 t the wedding and more than capable of holding her own. I want to have this 1 day on our terms.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 11:47

Who wants her there?

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 10/01/2022 11:48

Surely ex spouses have no place at a wedding?
How bizarre!!

TheWickedStepmum88 · 10/01/2022 11:52

@Tattler2

Two people who cannot agree on something as elementary as who can watch them get married, quite possibly have bigger issues. If the sanctity or status of your wedding is determined by the guest list than maybe a wedding should be postponed a bit until you are certain that it is the participants rather than the observers who matter in the actual marriage.

It seems as though the bride and groom are not starting off on the same page. If your initial thoughts are so different, it may suggest that your perspectives and outlooks may not be very compatible.

OP hasn't really clarified if her SO has suggested this at all, perhaps it's coming from someone else.

But I tend to agree. My SO would LAUGH at anyone suggesting his baby mama come to our wedding, it's so disrespectful to even suggest.

gobbledygoook · 10/01/2022 11:55

Oh OP, don't you know?! You're meant to invite the ex, allow her to wear her old wedding dress, sit her at the top table and have a speech about how amazing she is. Otherwise you're showing your DSC that you're replacing her and don't like their real mum, obviously. 🙄

Tattler2 · 10/01/2022 11:57

Surely, anyone that the bride, or groom thinks of as a friend and who wishes the couples well is appropriate as a guest.

It does not bode well when marriage start off with fundamental disagreements.

Does anyone even know if the ex wants to attend the wedding?

PinkButtercups · 10/01/2022 11:59

@gobbledygoook

Oh OP, don't you know?! You're meant to invite the ex, allow her to wear her old wedding dress, sit her at the top table and have a speech about how amazing she is. Otherwise you're showing your DSC that you're replacing her and don't like their real mum, obviously. 🙄
This 😂.
RedWingBoots · 10/01/2022 12:02

@Tattler2 The norm in the UK is you don't invite ex partners to weddings.

It is a bit shit if you were all university/sports team/group friends and the invite is a more of an informal group invite as random people have to make up excuses why they aren't coming to people who don't know they were an ex-partner.

Original poster
malificent7 · 10/01/2022 12:06

He didnt suggest it...i just stated that i wouldnt feel comfortable.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 12:07

@malificent7

He didnt suggest it...i just stated that i wouldnt feel comfortable.
So what's the issue?
LaBellina · 10/01/2022 12:09

Perfectly reasonable, I guess most of us in your situation wouldn’t want the ex there. Why should she be in the first place 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
malificent7 · 10/01/2022 12:09

I think its because when we 1st met their boundaries were very weak...now they are much stronger and this is my opportunity to draw a firm clear boundary. At the same time dp has worked very hard to build a friendship with his ex for the sake of his dd( and they get on). Given she cheated on him, i wouldn't be able to be mates myself if someone had cheated but i have supported him.
I don't want this to be a big snub.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 10/01/2022 12:10

The issue is that he wanted her there for his dd and as he thought " we were all ok now?" We are but....

OP posts:
LaBellina · 10/01/2022 12:12

A wedding is a day where the wish of the bride definitely trumps the wish of the (step) child.

Sally872 · 10/01/2022 12:16

That's a nice thought but you are completely reasonable to disagree and at 14 I doubt she needs anyone there as she will know most of the guests anyway. Definitely not a snub, I think ex would be surprised to get an invite no matter how amicable they are.

Original poster
malificent7 · 10/01/2022 12:16

It's not a declaration of war...it's a declaration of setting up on our own terms.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 12:16

She's going to have all of his side of the family there and has presumably met yours too? She doesn't need her mom.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 12:24

You don't need to justify this at all OP and he needs to recognise that his desire to show his DD that "everyone is ok now" is not as important as the bride being relaxed and happy on her wedding day. If it's truly the case, she will be aware of it the rest of the time, she doesn't need you to sacrifice your comfort on your wedding day to prove it to her at that exact moment.

Original poster
malificent7 · 10/01/2022 12:25

I do feel a bit bad for not wanting her there though...like the "uncool" gf. She has a dp and 2 kids with her dp.
I think it's because she got jealous when i met dp and tried to reel him bk in ....even though she was living with the om. I never quite forgave her for that...she didn't want him but didn't want me to either. I guess she's only human. If it wasn't for that i'd prob be ok with it.
I mean i do go to her house for her kids events and am generally ok with that.

OP posts:
LublinToDublin · 10/01/2022 12:27

@malificent7

The issue is that he wanted her there for his dd and as he thought " we were all ok now?" We are but....
12:06 malificent7

He didnt suggest it...i just stated that i wouldnt feel comfortable

I'm confused OP.
Did your dp suggest it or not?

MsJaneAusten · 10/01/2022 12:29

What @LublinToDublin said.

You’re absolutely not unreasonable to not want her there, but it’s very unclear about whether anyone is suggesting she should be

Original poster
malificent7 · 10/01/2022 12:31

I said i didnt want her there then he gave me reasons why she should be then i felt "triggered" that he defended her. Stupid i know.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 10/01/2022 12:32

He didn't suggest it 1st.

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 10/01/2022 12:34

It’s not stupid. It’s your wedding. If you’re not comfortable with it then she shouldn’t be there.

girlmom21 · 10/01/2022 12:34

Have you started wedding planning? If so, it sounds like it's time to write a guest list. You'll need to know numbers before you book venues anyway.

aSofaNearYou · 10/01/2022 12:36

@malificent7

I do feel a bit bad for not wanting her there though...like the "uncool" gf. She has a dp and 2 kids with her dp. I think it's because she got jealous when i met dp and tried to reel him bk in ....even though she was living with the om. I never quite forgave her for that...she didn't want him but didn't want me to either. I guess she's only human. If it wasn't for that i'd prob be ok with it. I mean i do go to her house for her kids events and am generally ok with that.
The feeling that you are being the "uncool" gf comes from years of gaslighting teaching women that they should aspire to be the "cool gf" who is comfortable and accepting of all manner of things, even things that it's perfectly reasonable to feel uncomfortable about. Don't fall for it, it will make you a martyr. This isn't a big ask, he should be perfectly willing to do this for you in the same way that you have been perfectly willing to support him with his daughter and rub along with his ex for years.